Advice, please: How do I signal that I'm NOT interested?

[Princess Pea]

There's a man I've known from church for about five years. He's kind, and gentlemanly, and an all around great guy, and all the men on this forum who fit that description as well are going to hate me for this ... but I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. I just don't. He's never asked me out, but I have occasionally gotten "vibes" from him that feel like romantic interest (great attentiveness, touches, birthday cards when no one else in the group has gotten one ... ) I feel really awkward when I get those vibes, and even more awkward when we're in situations where we're acting like a couple (he often seeks me out to sit next to me during the worship service and we end up sharing a hymnal ... very cozy ... or if we go for lunch afterwards with a pair of married friends the waiter assumes he's dealing with two couples and sets up the bills accordingly ... I sometimes feel like I'm in a Sunday-only pseudo-relationship.) He really is a super guy, and the main reason I want to be careful not to send him the wrong signals is that I absolutely do NOT want to mess with his head. In any way. But in the process of being careful, I know I pull away from him, or even push him away, and I'm sure he's noticed and wonders why.

I know ... I know ... I should talk to him about it. But how do I even start that big awkward conversation? I'm not even sure I've been reading his "vibes" right ... probably not, since in all these years he's never actually made a move. Every conversation I can imagine basically boils down to a blunt "I don't know if you're interested or not, but if you are, just give it up." So ... the question is ... is there any way to make it clear that this is a friendship and not a potential romance without going through an awkward phase?

Please be gentle ... in this situation I feel like I'm about fifteen years old. It may sound strange, but I have no idea how to be "just friends" with a man. I don't think I'm just flattering myself with delusions of an imaginary crush. I've had too many dateless years to see myself as God's gift to men.

Edit: Maybe I should call him up and offer to set him up with one of my friends? Would that do the trick?

 

[wildthing]

What every happen to saying that your not interested? Can't be any simpler then that.

 

[Blank123]

Maybe he is interested or it could also be that this is just his personality to be affectionate with his friends. Has he shown any interest in spending time with you alone outside of church settings?

In any case I think you definantly should call him up or pull him aside and talk things out. If it turns out that he was interested in you like that then just let him know that you like him as a friend but you're not interested in anything more.

 

[frank1234]

There's a man I've known from church for about five years. He's kind, and gentlemanly, and an all around great guy, and all the men on this forum who fit that description as well are going to hate me for this ... but I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. I just don't. He's never asked me out, but I have occasionally gotten "vibes" from him that feel like romantic interest (great attentiveness, touches, birthday cards when no one else in the group has gotten one ... ) I feel really awkward when I get those vibes, and even more awkward when we're in situations where we're acting like a couple (he often seeks me out to sit next to me during the worship service and we end up sharing a hymnal ... very cozy ... or if we go for lunch afterwards with a pair of married friends the waiter assumes he's dealing with two couples and sets up the bills accordingly ... I sometimes feel like I'm in a Sunday-only pseudo-relationship.) He really is a super guy, and the main reason I want to be careful not to send him the wrong signals is that I absolutely do NOT want to mess with his head. In any way. But in the process of being careful, I know I pull away from him, or even push him away, and I'm sure he's noticed and wonders why.

I know ... I know ... I should talk to him about it. But how do I even start that big awkward conversation? I'm not even sure I've been reading his "vibes" right ... probably not, since in all these years he's never actually made a move. Every conversation I can imagine basically boils down to a blunt "I don't know if you're interested or not, but if you are, just give it up." So ... the question is ... is there any way to make it clear that this is a friendship and not a potential romance without going through an awkward phase?

Please be gentle ... in this situation I feel like I'm about fifteen years old. It may sound strange, but I have no idea how to be "just friends" with a man. I don't think I'm just flattering myself with delusions of an imaginary crush. I've had too many dateless years to see myself as God's gift to men.

Edit: Maybe I should call him up and offer to set him up with one of my friends? Would that do the trick?

Hi there; First of all, I think you should be clear in your own mind about what you would like in this "relationship". If you absouloutly have no interest in him, then just "not talking to him" is a problem. You don't have to start the conversation by:"Listen I am not interested in you in that way...". You can simply start the conversation by pulling him aside and asking him If you have sent mixed messages to him or some thing like that. Then after he starts talking about that, You can simply opologize if you have sent any mixed messages to him and assure him(gently) that you just like to keep it as a "friendship" relationship. Also you have to know that a lot of times there can not be any just "friendship" relationships between a man and a woman who see and communicate with each other constantly. So It's your responsibility to draw the line and not let him stay in that "status" for long. Also I know that you hate doing this, but there is no other way around it than communicating with him about the sittuation. Some times people need to hear the words coming out of your mouth so they can get the message. It's normal, so don't be shy. Talk to him.

 

[Alexander1982]

Boy I am soo really gonna feel sorry for the guy.

Love is extremely confusing . That's why you really cannot trust your heart

I have no advice for you because frank1234 already said it

But I wonder do you know how he would truly feel when you tell him your not interested? I mean know it really really deeply...put yourself in his shoes - then you'll find the right words to say

So so depressing

 

[JPPT1974]

Pull him aside and talk out things
Just really be polite and friendly
But firm and get to the point
Good luck at it!

 

[SpeakLife329]

lol I agree with the above post examine yourself, after all these yrs well 5 but still why is it that you ya know hang out with him go to lunches with him and all that ..maybe you like him too and just afraid of getting hurt, that's normal. The way you describe him it isn't a goon or a weirdo..seems genuine but if you true to your heart have interest in him, you need to go to him and flat out ask wither or not he likes you in that way, if he does he's a complete gentlemen not to push the envelope, if he doesn't he's a nice friend, but examine your heart ot see if u have feelings if not ask him and if so make it clear that you just want to be friends.

hope that was clear.
blessings
Kim

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

scream and run away



jk.... I honestly don't know what to tell you. I guess the setting him up with a friend thing might work -- although I used to know a guy who liked this girl (that HAD A BOYFRIEND) and she tried to set him up with one of her friends and he STILL thought he had a chance with her, even in spite of the boyfriend and the matchmaking attempt.

 

[Erinwilcox]

What every happen to saying that your not interested? Can't be any simpler then that.

Not if he's never said that HE'S interested. . .then if he's not, it could all be very awkward.


Princess Pea, perhaps it would help to have a female friend get involved. . .to sound him out and clue him in. Perhaps a married female would be best, but either way, it might help things if he is interested to have a friend subtly hint that you are not.

 

[Irascible]

Princess Pea,

I'd prefer that you have a quick and to the point conversation about it.

If you can't muster that then write a very clear, very good natured and very short hand written note. Don't make it formal and don't have it notarized. No dotting your I's with little hearts. Then when it's just you and he, hand it to him and insist he read it immediately. Don't hand it to him and walk off.

If you choose either method, don't prep him with some long winded speech. Don't prep him at all. Don't have some horrible "I'm about to rip your heart out." look on your face. We don't even know where his heart is. People respond in kind. The more you build up a big giant ball of angst about this the more of that you'll get from him. Just play it cool and be done with it immediately. Mailing or e-mailing a note means you still have to have a nervous encounter to talk about it. After you talk to him or after he looks at the note he needs to see the "It's all cool." look on your face. So you better have that look on your face. Getting the best response out of him is all about the response that's coming from you.

If you do all that then you've done more than enough. Frankly I'm annoyed with him about this. If he were touchy-feely to everyone that would be one thing. But since he singles you out he must know that he's putting you on the spot. Whether he knows it or not, your handling of this situation with care is as much as he could ever ask. If he responds badly then don't you dare get some guilt trip about it. I'm not saying he's not a great guy overall. But if he were a true gentleman as it relates to this situation then he would not force your hand like this with the nonstop quasi-boyfriend behavior.

Doing this through friends? Gah! Are you 15 or something? Wait, you already mentioned that. Seriously, it would humiliate him something horrible if you involved mutual friends or people he has to see at church. And trying to handle this with clever indirect questions just worsens the problem. IF he has feelings then just as soon as you ask him that question he may lie to save face. That doesn't clear up anything. Be clear about what you think and about your concerns. That will force him to think clearly.

 

[Jenster]

The problem as I see it is that he's not making his position clear. One possibility is that he does just want to have a Sunday relationship. If you go to a large church, it's nice to sit with someone, and nice to go to lunch with someone. I'm not saying that it means nothing to him, but maybe it doesn't mean as much as "I really like you and want to date you."

The other real problem is that you feel uncomfortable, which I totally understand. Maybe I'm 15 years old at heart too (gah!), but I like the idea of involving a third party. Specifically, the husband in the husband-wife team you go to lunch with. Or any husband who is a friend of the two of you. Or any husband whose wife is a good friend of yours. You get the point: someone in the church can sound him out. Unless he has no friends whatsoever.

I'm rambling here, but is there no way for you to sit with a woman friend, so that he doesn't sit next to you? Or better yet, sandwiched between a woman friend and a couple?

Also, I am curious (as another poster mentioned) why you go to lunch with him? I'd broaden the circle at lunch or make plans with others. Though it may be a pain, there are certain 'defensive' things you can do to keep the distance between you guys. When someone tries to cling to you like a barnacle, the best thing is to pry him loose and immediately outfit yourself with other barnacles.

I've done The "I don't know if you're interested, but need to let you know I'm not interested" Talk with men. Eh, I think one man didn't take it well, and the other one periodically seems to think he still has a chance. It does relieve you because then you know you've been clear. But it may not change his behavior.

 

[Pyrogenesis]

Oh! I know this one It happened to me a month or two ago. I asked her out for coffee and we got along really well, etc. We went out again, and she pretty much just said straight out that I was a really awesome guy, but there just wasn't any attraction there. It was good knowing where she stood, because it ment that I wasn't constantly second guessing or trying to interpret what she said.

My advice is don't play 'the game'. Just let him know where you stand; it'll save a lot of time and heartache.

 

[Labayu]

You can simply start the conversation by pulling him aside and asking him If you have sent mixed messages to him or some thing like that. Then after he starts talking about that, You can simply opologize if you have sent any mixed messages to him and assure him(gently) that you just like to keep it as a "friendship" relationship. Also you have to know that a lot of times there can not be any just "friendship" relationships between a man and a woman who see and communicate with each other constantly. So It's your responsibility to draw the line and not let him stay in that "status" for long. Also I know that you hate doing this, but there is no other way around it than communicating with him about the sittuation.

This is good advise. Better still is suggesting that other people have suggested that you could be sending him mixed messages (And hey I think you could be giving him mixed msgs- there you can use me so your not lying- i really do think you might be btw!)... That way it's neither of your faults, it's just "other people" who assumed. If he hasn't been open about it and he does like you he wont admit it if you're clear theres no attraction when you phrase it like that. Its a great way to save face for both of you, keeping the friendship AND letting him know you're not intrested!

But females can swing on this kinda stuff. They want you not to take no for an answer if they like you deep down but not if they dont

One girl who told me in no uncertain terms that there was no chance for us is now upset because I'm not paying her enough attension or pursuing her

 

[Irascible]

The other real problem is that you feel uncomfortable, which I totally understand. Maybe I'm 15 years old at heart too (gah!), but I like the idea of involving a third party.

It's been suggested that Princess may be sending mixed signals. Maybe, maybe not. But to act like a good friend for five years only to turn around and counsel him as though he were a stalker - that's not only a mixed signal but darn near two faced IMO. You may protest my comparison. But others on the forum have come here for advice about what to do about unwanted, clingy, near stalker types at church who couldn't take no for an answer. Bring others in was the exact advice given, and the right advice. But this guy is not a stalker and hasn't been told no. She calls him friend and willingly accepts his acts of friendship.

The focus in the quote above is on feeelings. Feelings lie and don't relieve us from doing the right thing. But let's speak to feelings anyway. Can you imagine how it would feel if a good friend of 5 years sat you down and counseled you with two others about a problem you didn't even know existed? You go from everything is fine to making it church gossip in one fell swoop with not so much as a single word of warning. He'll feeel lower than dirt and probably won't want to show his face.

One more comparison and I'll shut up. Imagine if your closest CF buddy, someone with whom you thought you got along with very well, suddenly had a mod post a public thread in which you were warned to stop acting so fresh. It would be utter humiliation and a betrayal. In Princess's case were talking about two extra people and not a forum. But the principle is the same. If you call someone friend then you handle embarrassing subjects privately like any friend would.

 

[Jenster]

Well, sure. If it's true that Princess Pea has been acting like a close dear friend and is now changing her tune, she needs to confront him directly. I completely agree.

But that's IF. If Princess Pea could clarify for us, that would be helpful. I can easily see her being in a situation in which she has not shown him interest beyond being friendly. And now he's trying to change things without having the courage to say so.

As for the third party, I think my point is being misunderstood, 'Ras. There's no public humiliation involved in one brother taking the other aside to sound him out on where he stands. At least, I should hope not! It's sorta sad if the single man can't confide his affections in anyone, especially a married brother. The married guy could take the single guy out for a drink, and bring up the topic of dating during the conversation. "So you interested in anyone? I notice you hang out with Princess Pea, anything going on there?"

It's not the married guy's responsibility to do anything but sound him out. Maybe there's nothing there, and he can let Princess Pea know, much to her relief. Or maybe he'll find there's a situation there that Princess Pea needs to address head on.

Princess Pea does not have enough information here, that's my point. That's why she's feeling paralyzed. (Well, that and fear of hurting his feeelings.) IMHO, she can either ask for help from a third party, or take the responsibility of bringing up the topic with the man -- when he hasn't even brought up.

(As for the poster whose date had told him "thanks, but I don't see you that way," well, that's nice he was willing to ask her on a date in the first place. Not just do date-like things without a word, as Princess's guy seems to be doing....)

Princess, if you were say something to this fella, I'd suggest keeping it simple: "Joe, you know how we've been sitting together during church for awhile? Well, I wanted to let you know that some people are thinking that that means we're a couple. I have to tell you, I'm uncomfortable with that impression. I'd like us to still be friendly, but can we agree to not do certain things that look couple-y?"

I'm not discounting anyone's opinion here. Just giving my own.

Princess, I hope everything works out for you. Let us know...

 

[Irascible]

I love your example statement. Good stuff.

But the mission impossible routine... A friend takes me out on false premises; casually finds out what he really wants to know; and then secretly reports back to my other friend? Oy vey.

 

[OhhJim]

I'm going to be a little different, and suggest that there might not be a problem here. He hasn't actually asked you out. Could it be that he understands he will never get anywhere with you, but he just enjoys being around you?

You feel awkward around him? Nothing wrong with that, just avoid him. Easier said than done, I know, but still not impossible. Maybe talk about guys you like. Maybe be blunt: "I'd rather sit by myself, today".

Or, if that's not enough, I agree with the other posters who say have a friend talk to him.

 

[OhhJim]

...and all the men on this forum who fit that description as well are going to hate me for this ...

Oh, btw, it's not that we object to women not liking some good guy. I think we all understand that sometimes the romantic interest just isn't there. What frustrates us is women who date evil men instead of the good men who like them, and then complain about how horrible their dates are. Or, they complain about how there just aren't any good men out there.

You see the difference?

 

[Princess Pea]

Thanks, everyone. There are too many responses here to speak to each bit of advice individually, so I'll just say that collectively you've been VERY helpful. I admit I'm still hoping to avoid a Discussion. For one thing, if what he's doing is indeed signaling an interest, he's doing it nonverbally, and he might prefer that my response also be nonverbal, if that makes any sense. Also, as at least one person pointed out, there may not actually be a problem here at all, and if so, the less said the better. I think I'll give it a bit more time and make sure it's not all in my head. But if I reach the point where I must speak, you've helped me figure out what to say, and I thank you.

To clarify a couple of points, this friendship started in the context of a larger group. At once time there were 7-8 of us, including the married couple, who would sit together in church and then usually go out for lunch afterwards. But now the group has shrunk down to just him, me, and the married couple. If there were even one other single woman left from the group I'd be much more comfortable - but that's not how it is. The wife understands the situation and is wonderful about acting as a buffer ... but when they have duties elsewhere, which is more often than not, it's down to him and me.

As to leading him on ... I NEVER go out for lunch alone with him. He never even suggests it if the married couple isn't there (he used to, but I always found a reason I couldn't, and I think he got the picture.) If he's seated already when I arrive at the worship service I don't sit with him, and he'd actually stopped sitting with me too. But I did something about a month ago that most likely did send a mixed message. It's too long a story to go into ... I'll just say that he had backed off quite a lot, and then came a moment one Sunday morning last month when I felt compelled by circumstances to suggest sitting together. Since then he's been seeking me out to sit with me every week that I've been there. So I have to admit to sending a mixed message there ... all I can say is, I felt like I didn't have a choice, and besides, I thought it would be OK because he had backed off recently ... guess not.

Anyway ... thanks again, both for the advice and for being kind to a 36-year-old teenager!

 

[Princess Pea]

Could it be that he understands he will never get anywhere with you, but he just enjoys being around you?

I really hope that's it!

Oh, btw, it's not that we object to women not liking some good guy. I think we all understand that sometimes the romantic interest just isn't there. What frustrates us is women who date evil men instead of the good men who like them, and then complain about how horrible their dates are. Or, they complain about how there just aren't any good men out there.You see the difference?

Yes, that makes sense. Thanks!

But this guy is not a stalker and hasn't been told no. She calls him friend and willingly accepts his acts of friendship.

That's what makes it hard ... I would like to be friendly, if at all possible. I just don't want my friendly gestures to be misconstrued, and I'm not sure how to do that, or if it's even possible.

Its a great way to save face for both of you, keeping the friendship AND letting him know you're not intrested!

I think that might work. Good idea!

The problem as I see it is that he's not making his position clear. ...

The other real problem is that you feel uncomfortable,...

When someone tries to cling to you like a barnacle, the best thing is to pry him loose and immediately outfit yourself with other barnacles.

A very accurate summary, and the barnacle analogy cracked me up.

Hi there; First of all, I think you should be clear in your own mind about what you would like in this "relationship".

True. I don't want a romance, but a platonic friendship would be great ... if it's possible.

I have to get off the Internet now, but for those of you who I didn't directly quote here, I still appreciated your words!