advice needed

[BrodyAl1]

Hi all,
I have a situation that is complicated by Asperger’s, especially the social awkwardness part.
Briefly, my comfort level has always been around women in social situations, I find them easy to talk to, and since I never like sports and other male activities, I always had a harder time talking to men.
I work for a large company, and last year, a man in another department, whom I’ve known for over 20 suffered a tragic loss, and I felt very badly for him. Even though we’ve never really talked beyond the “hey, how are you doing stage,” I felt such compassion for him that I tried my best to be a supportive friend, even putting my social anxieties aside, checking in with him a few times a week so see how he was doing. It has been difficult for me at times, trying to say the right things, and also to make conversation about other things as well (I am bad at conversation). I even started watching baseball to have something to talk to him about (he is a huge sports fan), and to my surprise, I became a fan!
A couple of months ago he had invited me to a get together at his house on the one year anniversary of his loss, and even introduced me to his sisters as a good friend from work. It felt like maybe our friendship was moving to the next level. That has always been a difficulty for me – making friends, and getting beyond the “hey, how are you doing” stage.
A couple of weeks ago I got up the courage to suggest that we try to get out to lunch one day (he is often on conference calls, so we only talk for a few minutes a couple of times a week). He said he would check his schedule and get back to me. He never did, and in a way it was a relief (we really don’t have too much in common), but at the same time, I wonder if he just forgot, or if he just doesn’t want to be bothered.
I had stopped by his office this past Friday and we talked for a couple of minutes. I didn’t stay too long as I honestly didn’t have too much to say. He was friendly and polite, which is really all I can ask, so that was fine. I’m torn about asking him again in a week or so about going to lunch, or just let it go. As stated, we don’t have a lot in common, but at the same time, he is a nice guy and I would like to be his friend. I’ve never had a male friend to go out to lunch with now and then, and I’m sure that underlying need is part of what makes me want to try asking him again about lunch.
Any advice/suggestions are appreciated.
Brody

 

[jackmt]

I identify so much. I am 55 yrs old and have never had a male friend that wasn't primarily a mentor since my early 20's. And back then I was more a mascot than a peer. I often send and receive the wrong messages. I am often astounded at how people get the ideas they have of me.
The thought occurred to me that maybe he mistook your suggestion for lunch as a homosexual overture. Or, perhaps, he is in a socially superior position and it is inappropriate for you to do the initiating. I don't know. As I said, these thoughts occurred to me. In either case, you may need to disclose your condition and ask him to be totally up front with you, as you (probably) don't get hints, sarcasm, social cues, etc. And if it is the first case, it might not hurt to express interest in one of his sisters!