Advice Needed

[Got Eternal Life?]

I wasn't sure rather to post this here or the women's discussion but, since it is related to marriage, I decided to post it here.

My problem is with my mother-in-law. A little bit of background first: When my husband and I first married, my mother-in-law and I got along great. I looked up to her in a spiritual sort-of-way. She's very involved in the church and has been for as long as I've known her. But, after about 2 years I started noticing little things, such as a negative attitude. Then a little while longer after that while I was visiting her, she threw a cussing fit at my father-in-law (whom I have great respect for and love very much). I was very surprised! Ever since then, her temper and poor attitude has just escalated. She went back to school to become a massage therapist with a focus on spiritual healing. The stuff that she does is very new-age and that worries me.

So, that's the background. Here's my problem:
My daughter went through a stage of stealing. Oh man! It's only been since before Christmas that she has straightened up. I tried everything with her - spanking, grounding, taking toys away from her, adding to her chore list...

Well, it just so happens that my mother-in-law's sister came to visit my mother-in-law for a couple of months - this was before Christmas. My daughter stole $20 from her.

Then last night on our way home, my daughter said to me, "Mom, Granny read me part of the book that she gave to you (Parenting Isn't For Cowards). She read me a poem that I didn't understand and then after that she said, "Ya know, Sierra, it is very emberrassing to have a grandaughter that is a thief." She told me that her granny told her this a long time ago but, considering that and the fact that she is telling so much later tells me that it really bothers her. My first instinct was that as soon as I got home I was going to call her up and give her a piece of my mind. It is soooo wrong to belittle children like that! I think that we need to build their confidence even when they do wrong not break them down. But, I decided that I should give myself a cool-down period before saying anything to her - and, of course, get some advice from you guys.

Since then, she has given me lots of unwanted advice about this or that (mostly about raising kids and how to be a good wife) and it's driving me nuts. I generally just nod my head in agreement or mumble, "yeah". But, it's really starting to dig deep and I know that I am going to blow up on her.

My question is, do I approach her with this? She is very defensive and gets offended very easily. I don't want to start a family argument but, I also DO NOT want her doing such things to my kids.

 

[andiesmama]

What does your husband say about the whole thing? I think that's where you need to start, since it IS his mother! Then either he or both of you can talk to your MIL, that way you're presenting a "united front" and you don't look like the bad guy!!

And you're more than welcome to post this on the Women's Discussion as well....I frequent that board, well, frequently (lol) and I know alot of the gals there would have some great advice as well as what you'll get on this board!!

Welcome to CF!

 

[GirlieGirl]

^^^ Word Sista.

 

[andiesmama]

^^^ Word Sista.

lol

 

[searle29678]

I agree with andiesmama. Talk to your husband first. If he sees a problem like you do (in my opinion, there definately is one) then you should decided a time and talk to your mother in law. Your child is exactly that. Your child. You need to protect her from things that could harm her, including not so encouraging words from grandma. Though she may have meant well, these little statements can inspire more bad behavior by making the child feel like less than she is.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

I have talked to my husband before about his mother's attitude. His response is, "Whaddya want me to do about it? It's your problem." So, without the help from him I'm stuck with dealing with it myself. I'm not very pleased about it but, I know that if my husband isn't going to stand up for his kids than I'm going to have to. Part of me wants to avoid the whole thing but, then I know that I can't. This isn't the first time that she has said something along these lines to them.

What I don't understand is that she's always willing to give me advice when I ask for it and it's always good advice - sometimes it's not. But, then she turns around and does stuff like this. Personally I think that she has her own emotional problems. I would like to reach out to her too - but, I'm not the best people-person either.

So, any advice that doesn't involve help from my husband? Can you suggest a certain approach that I can use?

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

^^^ Word Sista.

Ha!!! Guess what I did a couple of weeks ago?

...I changed churches!!! LOL

 

[searle29678]

Ok, if you are gonna have to deal with her yourself, I suggest being up front. Tell her that you don't mean to offend her or make her feel bad but you need to talk to her about some of the things she has said to your daughter. Just lay it out as nicely, but completely, as possible. Let her know why you feel the way you feel and you appreciate the way she tried to help but you want to do it another way. You might hurt her feelings and there may be no way around it. Sooner or later, she will come around and get over it. This is your child we are talking about and you gotta do what you gotta do. There isn't really a politically correct or "nice" way to say that "what you are doing is hurting my child in my opinion." You know?

 

[heartnsoul]

Since the incident about your MIL happened a long time ago, I would just let it go. Maybe just have a talk with your daughter and help her to understand why grandmother feels the way she does about stealing. After all, stealing is wrong and maybe your MIL doesn't know how to constructively and positively express her disappointment. I don't think she purposely tried to hurt your daughter. You know your MIL has emotional problems and is negative. Negative people say negative things (sometimes they don't even realize how abrasive they could come across to other people). That's who they are. I'm not excusing her behavior nor am I saying it's right. What I am saying is that as a parent, parents are sometimes a little too overprotective of their kids. And since this happened a long time ago, it's not worth all the grief. Your MIL may have already forgotten the incident, so by bringing it up again, it will only cause ill well feelings. Why bother? Life is too short to dwell on negative things and dredge up past incidences. Let it go and move on. If your daughter seems emotionally disturbed by what her granny said, then maybe you can explain to her why granny said what she said. Afterall, stealing is wrong. So I can understand why your MIL feels that way she does. Instead of being defensive about your own daugher, maybe you can side with your MIL and have a loving conversation with her and let her know that you also feel embarrassed and ashamed that your daugher stole things. This will create a better relationship between both of you instead pitting your daughter in the middle of you two. Please forgive me if I offended you. I am seeing this situation objectively. Sometimes it's difficult for parents to see things objectively when it comes to their kids. That's natural, but if you ever want to bridge that gap between you and your MIL, you need to step back, be objective, and try seeing things from your MIL's point of view. If you can understand your MIL, then you're half way there to patching up the relationship. Hope this helps. Again, sorry if my advice offends you. Good luck with everything and keep us posted.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

If your daughter seems emotionally disturbed by what her granny said, then maybe you can explain to her why granny said what she said. Afterall, stealing is wrong. So I can understand why your MIL feels that way she does. Instead of being defensive about your own daugher, maybe you can side with your MIL and have a loving conversation with her and let her know that you also feel embarrassed and ashamed that your daugher stole things.

I'm not emberrassed or ashmed of my daughter for stealing. I was certainly disappointed in her but kids go through things like that and they have to learn their lessons! It would be one thing if she was a teenager or a grown woman but, she's not, she's only 7 and she has learned many lessons from this (I hope that it's over with anyways ). I can't just sit back, swallow my pride and wait for my MIL to chop her down again and I certainly won't make excuses for my MIL's behavior. What kind of an example would that be? I don't want my kids to think that anyone can say anything to them and they just have to ignore it and walk away.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

Ok, if you are gonna have to deal with her yourself, I suggest being up front. Tell her that you don't mean to offend her or make her feel bad but you need to talk to her about some of the things she has said to your daughter. Just lay it out as nicely, but completely, as possible. Let her know why you feel the way you feel and you appreciate the way she tried to help but you want to do it another way. You might hurt her feelings and there may be no way around it. Sooner or later, she will come around and get over it. This is your child we are talking about and you gotta do what you gotta do. There isn't really a politically correct or "nice" way to say that "what you are doing is hurting my child in my opinion." You know?

I tell ya what... why don't you call her for me? LOL

I think that in the long run, even if it will hurt her feeling or whatever it does to her, I'll be better off just being up-front with her. I'll do my best to be a "good girl". Blah! I'm dreading this already! What am I saying? I've been dreading this since last night.

 

[searle29678]

I hope it goes well. Just try to put the shoe on the other foot. If someone had something like this to say to you, how would you want it said. Pray for guidance and let er rip, so to speak. I'm praying all goes well. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Yitzchak]

There is a series of books out that have the title boundaries in them. They can be found in Christian bookstores. I would look into reading a few books and maybe talk to tyour pastor or someone else you trust about what would be a reasonable limit to set upon a mother-in-law.

The issue of whether you are making mistakes as a mother is secondary. I am not saying that you are , only pointing out that us making mistakes does not justify or give permission for someone to cross our personal boundaries. To put it in everyday language , "it doesn't give them the right to run our life just because we made a mistake or because they don't agree with how we are doing it." So whether you actually have made mistakes or whether your mother-in-law just sees it differently. The same basic truth remains. It is not o.k. for her to run your life or interfere in a way that you did not invite. The burden is upon you though to set limits since a person who crosses other people's boundaries seldom stops on their own accord.

The first step is that you have to decide what boundaries you want to set. Myself, I would have no problem just striaght out saying to my mother-in-law something like this. "You know what - I don't like criticism even when it is infered and I espeacailly don't like it when it is done in a rude or disrespectful way towards me or towards my daughter. "

So basically I guess what I am saying is you probably need to stand up to her not just about this specific situation but about the whole relationship. She needs to understand that her rude behavior is not justifyed because you or your daughter did something she doesn't like.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

Okay, well, here is where I'm at at this point...

1. Pray
2. Do some reading
2. Talk to my Pastor
3. And I quote, 'let 'er rip'

I have to laugh at this whole 4-step process that I have going on... I'm never this prepared for anything!! But, when it comes to my mother-in-law, I need all the preparation that I can get! LOL

Any other advice?

 

[searle29678]

My grandma on my dad's side and my mom went round and round over stuff like this my whole life. My brother and I have made a lot of mistakes and my sister is real young and she actually said to my mother in front of all of the kids "Well, you got one chance at a good one left" My mother's problems with my grandma has caused a lot of friction in the family, so I suggest keep it short and sweet and don't let it get out of control and don't let the children know if there is bad blood between you two at any point. I've watched it my whole life and my mom is not good at keeping things civil when it comes to her kids. Just remember that not everyone sees things the way we do and try to be understanding. I'm sure you already knew that though. I'm sure things will turn out fine.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

I'm sure you already knew that though.

Not really. I grew up with the most loving family I've ever known. Everyone got along - and I have one HUGE family! I guess that I was blessed that way and maybe that's why even the little things bother me. I've never known how to deal with confrontations. I am the worst - I'll be shaking in my boots and sick to my stomach before I even dial her number !

 

[murron]

Maybe I've missed something...

I'm not sure where the fault is in a grandparent telling a grandchild that it is embarassing to have a grandchild that is a thief. It IS embarassing. Further, part of learning to control one's behavior involves understanding how those behaviors affect everyone around them. My in-laws have carte blanche to correct my children or point out things they are doing which are bad. I may not always 100% agree with my in-law's POV (point of view), but they are involved in my children's lives and have an interest in their development and well-being. My hubby's stepdad has said a few things to my children, even to me, which I didn't particularly agree with - and so I make sure to talk to my kids and let them know that they have to take into account the various things expected of them in different settings, with different adults around. I think that is critical to developing the ability to adjust to being around different personalities.

I seriously doubt you can change your MIL. Your energy may be better spent using this situation (and conflict) to help your daughter understand how her actions affect others and how she can use this to learn how to adjust to what is going on around her.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

Maybe I've missed something...

I'm not sure where the fault is in a grandparent telling a grandchild that it is embarassing to have a grandchild that is a thief. It IS embarassing.

God made us all with faults. And, I don't believe in negative discipline. There are other ways to go about disciplining children without harming their self-esteem.

I may not always 100% agree with my in-law's POV (point of view), but they are involved in my children's lives and have an interest in their development and well-being.

My in-laws also have an interest in my children's development and well-being but, that doesn't give my MIL the right to discipline in an area that I have already taken charge of. If my kids are at her house and they get into trouble.. well, fine, they're in her hands - as long as she is reasonable with it.

I seriously doubt you can change your MIL. Your energy may be better spent using this situation (and conflict) to help your daughter understand how her actions affect others and how she can use this to learn how to adjust to what is going on around her.

Isn't all things possible through God? I would like to keep this from happening again. My husband can't stand his mom because she did the same to him when he was young (and she still does)! I would like for my kids to have a positive relationship with their grandmother. Her interfering in my life and my kids life would be like me interfering in her marriage or telling her what she did wrong in raising my husband. I don't do that because I know that it's not my right.

 

[murron]

God made us all with faults. And, I don't believe in negative discipline. There are other ways to go about disciplining children without harming their self-esteem.

My in-laws also have an interest in my children's development and well-being but, that doesn't give my MIL the right to discipline in an area that I have already taken charge of. If my kids are at her house and they get into trouble.. well, fine, they're in her hands - as long as she is reasonable with it.

Isn't all things possible through God? I would like to keep this from happening again. My husband can't stand his mom because she did the same to him when he was young (and she still does)! I would like for my kids to have a positive relationship with their grandmother. Her interfering in my life and my kids life would be like me interfering in her marriage or telling her what she did wrong in raising my husband. I don't do that because I know that it's not my right.

I appreciate that you disagree with what I said. But, you did ask for advice, and sometimes that means considering options that you may not agree with. I simply see this in a different light than you. I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm right, I'm not saying I'm wrong and you're right. I would just encourage you to consider advice that differs from what you are looking for - sometimes looking for advice which only supports what you already want to hear causes you to overlook other options that could save you a lot of grief.

To break it down more simply. There can be a positive outcome or a negative outcome. Only you know the person (your MIL) involved and how she's going to respond, be that positive or negative. If she's going to be negative about you approaching her over this, you probably aren't going to accomplish anything positive. But you could use this to work with your daughter and help her see other perspectives ...which would be a positive, without causing further antagonism with your MIL.

I do believe anything is possible with God; but I also believe that we are not capable of changing another person. Sure, God can, but God does not force people either, the person has to be willing to let God work in their lives.

I hope that whatever course of action you choose has the positive results you desire and will benefit everyone involved.

God bless,
Murron

 

[bliz]

I'm with Murron on this one! You're going to hate the rest of my answer, too, so skip ahead now if you only wish to be reaffirmed.

Your daughter was not belittled or disciplined in a negetive way. Her grandmother let her know that she knew full well excatly what was going on and it certainly sounds like that needed to be done.

The fact that your husband feels that this is none of his business is a bit clue that everything is not gong well in your marriage and home life.

Stealing at age 7 is not part of an inevitable phase - stealing at 4 is. At age 7 is is an indicator of greater problems.

I fully understand tht you don't care for advice from your MIL. Nod and smile and say "I'll have to think about doing that." each and every time and she may get a hint and back off... but you need to listen to good advice from someone quickly before your daughter becomes impossible.