Advice for helping widowed friend?

[kaykay637]

My husband and I are currently leading a grief recovery class at our church. One of the ladies in the group lost her dear husband last summer and seems to be really struggling. (My husband and lost our only child 6 years ago. So we DO understand intense grief. But we obviously have not had the particular experience of losing a spouse of many years.)

Can any of you speak to this situation? Is there anything that you would say helped you during the first year after the loss of your spouse? Any suggestions you would make? Anything you would do differently?

Was there anything specifically that YOU did that seemed to help you? Was there anything that you did that you would advise someone to AVOID?

 

[dellinw]

kay, I really can't say much to help. I have only been widowed for 9 mo. Just call and check on her, include her in social plans, even if she says no, try to urge her to attend. You see, we really don't know who "me" is. It was always "us". I was married for 43 yrs. I am just a lost lonely soul. It seems like all our couple friends have deserted me. I guess they just don't know what to do with me or what to say to me. She is blessed to have friends like you to help. God Bless
Helen

 

[kaykay637]

kay, I really can't say much to help. I have only been widowed for 9 mo. Just call and check on her, include her in social plans, even if she says no, try to urge her to attend. You see, we really don't know who "me" is. It was always "us". I was married for 43 yrs. I am just a lost lonely soul. It seems like all our couple friends have deserted me. I guess they just don't know what to do with me or what to say to me. She is blessed to have friends like you to help. God Bless
Helen

You sound almost EXACTLY like what she says about herself. Especially the part about not knowing who "me" is. My friend has children and grandchildren and she is active in their lives but she still feels "adrift."

Thanks for responding and prayers going out for you too.
kaykay

 

[JeanR]

Just knowing you are there helps. The night Terry died, my friend, Mary Jane, stayed with me the entire night. She never left my side. She didn't have to say anything, she was just there. That is what is important to her now. To know that people are there.

 

[kaykay637]

Just knowing you are there helps. The night Terry died, my friend, Mary Jane, stayed with me the entire night. She never left my side. She didn't have to say anything, she was just there. That is what is important to her now. To know that people are there.

Yes, I know what you mean. The night we buried our son, one of my friends stayed at our house till 3:00 am when I told her she didn't have to stay any longer!

Does anyone have any suggestions I can give to this lady HERSELF to help HERSELF?

Does staying busy help? Is there any kind of "mindset" that helps? Would you advise her to get involved in things?

I probably haven't been clear as to what type of advice I'm looking for. Is there anything that you have done to help yourself that worked out well for you? Anything to avoid?? What advice would you guys that have been through it give to another widow/widower themself?

In leading this class, I am looking for ways I can pass along which can help her help herself. Since I haven't been in exactly this situation, I have difficulty speaking to it, if you know what I mean.

My condolences on your loss, Jean. Prayers for you. Thank you so much for your input here.

 

[dellinw]

Yes, I know what you mean. The night we buried our son, one of my friends stayed at our house till 3:00 am when I told her she didn't have to stay any longer!

Does anyone have any suggestions I can give to this lady HERSELF to help HERSELF?

Does staying busy help? Is there any kind of "mindset" that helps? Would you advise her to get involved in things?

I probably haven't been clear as to what type of advice I'm looking for. Is there anything that you have done to help yourself that worked out well for you? Anything to avoid?? What advice would you guys that have been through it give to another widow/widower themself?

In leading this class, I am looking for ways I can pass along which can help her help herself. Since I haven't been in exactly this situation, I have difficulty speaking to it, if you know what I mean.

My condolences on your loss, Jean. Prayers for you. Thank you so much for your input here.

Kay, I am seeing a grief counselor, that has helped a lot. Just had my first session without crying. Also, if their is a widows group meeting. I found one at my daughters church. around 35 widow ladies attaend. we have a good time of sharing and eating of course. She needs to get out of the house as much as possible. Small day trips helped me. God Bless
Helen

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I lost my husband of 25 years, 3 years ago. We have two boys that are now ages 10 and 14 (they were 7 and 11 then). I didn't go to grief counseling, although I think it helps alot of people, I didn't want to go and cry with a bunch of strangers. That's just me. What helped me the most is having people care about me. Having people offer help even if I didn't need it, and include me in things. It is hard because you feel suddenly like a fifth wheel when everyone around you is coupled up, and you don't have your spouse anymore. I felt and still feel that no one "gets me". They don't understand the lonliness or the loss, though they do try, I give them credit for that. The only thing worse I could imagine would be losing a child, like you have. Losing the one person that truly loved you and was there for you no matter what.....just devastating. Of course people have to help themselves get through things too, but really, if she is struggling, she needs people.....people that care about her, that will constantly check on her, and invite her, and be there for her, even if she just wants to be alone. No one can really understand another's grief....we are all different people and we all handle things differently. That's why I have always felt that people "just don't understand". She may be like me, she may not. I used to hate it when people would say they understood, because I knew they just couldn't, they may have wanted to, but it's just not possible in my book. For me, I kept busy, and tried to be strong for my boys. But I needed people that would just listen to me, and let me cry if I needed to, or talk about my husband if I needed to. The reminder is there....everyday, the loss is there.....everyday. She needs people to rally around her to help her through this difficult time and maybe use her talents to help others in need. I also felt a strong urge to help others, knowing that time here is really so short. Hope that helps.

 

[kaykay637]

Thanks for the input, dellinw and memoriesbymichelle. Prayers and my condolences to the both of you.

Yeah, it helps me understand the feelings of someone who has lost their spouse to hear what you guys have to say about it. I know that in some sense, grief is grief and there is a lot of commonality. However, I also know that I also understand the dynamics of losing a child better than losing a spouse. So it helps a lot to hear from you guys. Thank you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Glad to be of assistance.

 

[JeanR]

The best thing to help myself was to go to grief counseling. I didn't want to be part of a big group, so I went for one-on-one counseling. Davd was a gigantic help to me and guided me through each thing I was feeling and dealing with.

It is hard to say what you can advise your friend to do because grief is an individual thing. The one thing Dave did say, however, was to follow your heart. If you feel like crying, cry; if you feel like going for a walk, go for a walk; if you want to go away to a hotel and be alone, then go. There are not rules or guidelines.

People want so much to help, but the reality is they can't. It is hard, but your friend will find her way. The best thing is to let her know you are there. Please don't tell her that you know how she feels because she knows you don't, really. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but it is the reality a widow knows.

The fact that you are asking shows that you truly love and care for your friend. Just continue to show you that love.

Jean

 

[kaykay637]

The best thing to help myself was to go to grief counseling. I didn't want to be part of a big group, so I went for one-on-one counseling. Davd was a gigantic help to me and guided me through each thing I was feeling and dealing with.

It is hard to say what you can advise your friend to do because grief is an individual thing. The one thing Dave did say, however, was to follow your heart. If you feel like crying, cry; if you feel like going for a walk, go for a walk; if you want to go away to a hotel and be alone, then go. There are not rules or guidelines.

People want so much to help, but the reality is they can't. It is hard, but your friend will find her way. The best thing is to let her know you are there. Please don't tell her that you know how she feels because she knows you don't, really. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but it is the reality a widow knows.

The fact that you are asking shows that you truly love and care for your friend. Just continue to show you that love.

Jean

This may be too personal, but because my husband and I are leading this grief recovery class, I'm interested. What kinds of things did your grief recovery counselor talk with you about?

I think your "follow your own heart" advice is best and that's kind of what I told her. She keeps seeming to need reassurance that what she's doing and feeling is "normal."

 

[JeanR]

I have been going for grief counseling every 2 weeks for the last 17 months. We have covered every topic imagineable.

At first, I would say I basically cried. There were times I couldn't even talk. I was just trying to deal with the everyday and with my husband's parents--who are a handful. I was overwhelmed and just being able to voice that with an impartial person was good. I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or making someone feel uncomfortable around me. Dave was very supportive.

One thing Dave helped me with was the stages of grieving. At first the disbelief (Terry died very suddenly) and shock, then reality setting in, acceptance. He explained that the mind suffers a terrible shock when a spouse dies suddenly and that the brain turns to mush. It would take a full year for the brain to heal--that doesn't mean grieving is a year, just that it would take that long for the brain to heal. I was having trouble with my memory and he explained that when the brain heals, it blocks out devasting feelings and memories.

We've talked about the emotional roller coaster I was on. Some days good, other days I didn't want to get out of bed. We talked about how to help my kids, how to handle finances, how to make decisions on my own, how to handle work, how to find my way in a new life.

I could list more, but it would be endless. I hope this helps. If you are involved with a grieving ministry, I would suggest talking with hospice, or a grief counselor for guidance. Perhaps your pastor would know of someone? Please let me know how you do.

Jean

 

[kaykay637]

Thanks for all the input. And thanks, Jean, for trying to go over specifically some of the things you covered with your grief counselor. After our son's death, I read many books about grief, but I am just trying to get some insight into a particular grief that I haven't experienced.

Blessings to you guys. I know it must be a tough road to walk.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think it would be helpful to her to know that pretty much anything she is doing or feeling is normal.....for her and that there are basically no rules or handbooks and it's just a long and painful process, but God is with us every step of the way, he says he will never leave us or forsake us. Also even though God is God and he knows the outcome, He did lose His son to a very painful death so he knows what we are going through. Of course He also knew He could raise Him up again, but in the same manner, if we are christians, we will see our loved ones again. I don't know, it helped me when I realized that everything I feel God has felt in some aspect or another. So whatever she has to do, or feel, or say, is completely normal....for her. God bless you for leading such a group.