Advice for a friend

[Living4God]

Hi there! I'm new to the forum, so I'm not sure I've posted this in the right place.

Anyway, I need advice about a very serious matter with a friend. He is a devoted Christian who is active in the church, but lately he's has been struggling with a deep depression because of guilt from a previous sin. About ten years ago, he was drunk at a party and raped his sister who was passed out. She has no idea that anything ever happened.

He has asked for forgiveness and is truly sorry for his sin, but he feels God is punishing him or something because he was a Christian at the time of the sin. He thinks he is still sinning by not going forward and admitting to his sin. I told that since he repented, God has forgiven him and isn't punishing him. I also told him that confessing to God was enough and that he would only destroy lives by bringing up a sin no one knows about. He is very reluctant to agree with me, however, so can any of you give me Bible verses to back up my statements or any additional advice on helping him out of depression? Also, please keep him in your prayers.

 

[Serapha]

Living4God,



There is a small conflict in what you have posted,


"About ten years ago, he was drunk at a party and raped his sister who was passed out."

"he feels God is punishing him or something because he was a Christian at the time of the sin."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best advice for your Christian friend, is to start over and be assured by the scriptures of his salvation.

When he is certain of his salvation, he may be certain that the grace of God and the mercy administed through the blood of Christ has covered that sin.

Now, just because a sin is covered by the blood of Jesus' atonement for us, does not mean that the repercussions for that sin are also removed.

Your friend abused his sister, and that is against the laws of every state in this union. Christians are called to submit to the authority of the governing powers, and to abide by the laws of the land.

That is the conflict, that the sin is forgiven, but the accountablity is still there. Your friend isn't being "punished" by God, but is being held accountable by the Spirit of God.

"He thinks he is still sinning by not going forward and admitting to his sin."

I would ask, "going forward" for what? Accountability doesn't require that one publicly confess their accountability to the church, the accountability is to his sister. If nothing else, he could go to his sister, and tell her that he knows there are actions in his past which offended her, and ask for her forgiveness. If he is certain that she was unaware of the actions of that night, then there is no reason to bring the matter up 10 years later. But what if she is aware, and that is a stumpling block to her view of Christianity? If he sincerely approaches her, and opens the door without identifying the "sin", at least he has opened the door... and put himself at her mercy for forgiveness.

Your friend is suffering from the results of the "sin of omission", better known as being aware of a sin but not addressing the sin, but rather, looking away.

A Bible verse for depression....

Psalm 100:4
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.


Matthew told the Lord that if he had wronged anyone that he would restore that person. When Matthew placed the fact that he was willing to restore the person, the Lord said, "This day is salvation come to this house"...

Not meaning that Matthew was saved at that point, for salvation is a process, and restoration for past transgressions against people was a part of the salvation process for Matthew.

To restore the relationship in his own mind, your friend needs to talk to the sister and be assured that the relationship is "restored". As it stands, it is not "restored" for your friend. He doesn't have to confess the action to be "restored". There is not absolute that Matthew restored anything to anyone, but the fact that Matthew was willing to restore the relationships with anyone he had offended (or cheated).

Questions?

~malaka~

 

[Living4God]

Thanks for the in-depth reply.

As for the conflict of committing such a horrible sin as a Christian, he was saved as a child and then went through a period of rebellion, drugs, etc... as a teenager.

Here is the strange part. He is very close to his sister and was even the one who led her to Christ. (Their close relationship tells me that she doesn't know anything about his abuse.)

Anyway, about going forward, he feels like he needs to quit hiding his sin, get it out in the open, and take the consequences. I think that it would only do harm and would destroy his sister, his family, and his reputation. (I have to admit, that even though he is a Godly man, I think differently about him and feel kind of uncomfortable around him now that I know his past.) So, am I right, or should I tell him to follow his conscience?

 

[La Bonita Zorilla]

How old was he and how old was his sister at the time? Has he refrained from committing further rapes and abuses since then?

I'm of a mixed mind. It would seem the best course of action would be to let it go, and don't tell anyone. But it appears he has been doing that and it is not working for him. It seems the relationship with the sister is such that MAYBE if he told her she'd forgive him. Could he maybe tell some neutral third party without giving his name or his sister's? I'm thinking he could call like Family Services Association or a similar counseling service.

People get drunk and what they do is a blur. Is he off the sauce? Is it not also possible he thinks he did it but he really didn't? Not to belittle it; I was sexually abused by my Dad at ages 9-13 and at first it mostly happened when he was drunk at night. Then later it happened in the afternoons when he was sober, but, before it did, I rationalized he was doing it because he was drunk. Sometimes we are quick to excuse the actions of a drunk because often they are lovable. But often the drinking just masks the personality.

 

[Living4God]

How old was he and how old was his sister at the time? Has he refrained from committing further rapes and abuses since then?

I believe they were both older teenagers at the time. He says that he was living with a girlfriend and was quite promiscuous at the time, but that this was the only time he did something abusive. Of course, they all say that, but I think I believe him. I mean, it can't get much worse than what he told me, so why wouldn't he tell me if there was anything else. Also, he is a good Christian now and is trying to do what's right.

I'm of a mixed mind. It would seem the best course of action would be to let it go, and don't tell anyone. But it appears he has been doing that and it is not working for him. It seems the relationship with the sister is such that MAYBE if he told her she'd forgive him. Could he maybe tell some neutral third party without giving his name or his sister's? I'm thinking he could call like Family Services Association or a similar counseling service.

I believe he is using me as the third party. Counseling may be good for him, but could they arrest him if they found who he was?

People get drunk and what they do is a blur. Is he off the sauce? Is it not also possible he thinks he did it but he really didn't?

He doesn't drink at all anymore, I don't think he has in quite a few years. I hadn't thought about the fact that he may not have actually done it. That gives a slight ray of hope.

Not to belittle it; I was sexually abused by my Dad at ages 9-13 and at first it mostly happened when he was drunk at night. Then later it happened in the afternoons when he was sober, but, before it did, I rationalized he was doing it because he was drunk. Sometimes we are quick to excuse the actions of a drunk because often they are lovable. But often the drinking just masks the personality.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I can't imagine what that would be like. It also makes me feel sick to think about my friend's sister having something like that happen and then blindly thinking all is ok. But, if something like that happened to me, I don't think I would want to know about it ten years later.

 

[La Bonita Zorilla]

I believe he is using me as the third party. Counseling may be good for him, but could they arrest him if they found who he was?(

COUNSELORS would have an obligation to report child abuse but this seems like they were both over 16 and then that wouldn't apply.

Now if she found out and SHE decided to file charges she could, but, most prosecutors would never take it to court, unless he confesses, and then, with a good attorney he could probably get probation at the worst.

Under the new HIPPA rules counselors are more strongly required to maintain confidentiality. Unless the abuse was ongoing most would conclude their ethical obligation would be to not say anything about it now.

Also, in the height of the ritual abuse hysteria many stated lowered the statute of imitations (the legal time beyond which a case can be prosecuted) but the Supreme Court struck that down. So it is unlikely everywhere he wouldn't be prosecuted for something like that from ten years ago. He might want to make an anonymous phone call to a counseling agency to clarify that before going in.

 

[Lotar]

That truely is horrible. My heart always goes out to people who have to go though those kind of things, it's the ultimate betrail of trust.

I think that if he ask God's forgiveness, he is forgiven. But it is likely that God is putting it on his heart to confess.
I think it is his responsibility to confess and appologize to his sister. There is no excuse for his actions, drunk or not, he knew what he was doing. He should face up to the consequences of his actions. If he goes to jail, he goes to jail.