Just to be brief...I have recently discovered that my husband has been looking at porn on the computer. Even though he is a christian he insists on denying it. I am so confused, hurt, humilated, ashamed, upset,etc. I know to turn to God and that's what I'm doing, but I just don't know how to feel or act.
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Advice and Support
- Thread starter bugdoddle24
- Start date
May I ask how you know this? That is, what evidence there is that he is looking at porn?
Is there any other who has access to the computer?
I'm not saying you are wrong, but before convicting the man, I would like to hear the evidence.
Assuming he has been looking at porn, it is likely fear that is preventing him from admitting it.
Marv
Is there any other who has access to the computer?
I'm not saying you are wrong, but before convicting the man, I would like to hear the evidence.
Assuming he has been looking at porn, it is likely fear that is preventing him from admitting it.
Marv
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christalee4
Senior Veteran
If he has been looking at porn, he probably doesn't feel too good about it either. I think there is a saying how people react when confronted with a major upheaval in their lives: anger, denial, then acceptance. If he has been looking at porn, and you should have positive proof that he has - rather than angry confrontation, you might want to approach it more obliquely. You saw it, and yes, you are hurt by it, and you'll pray for him. Hopefully, he will accept that he has a problem with it, and that he should stop looking at it.
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4jacks
Village Idiot =þ
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If he's been doing it and he's denying it.
then before you sort out how you should feel, take a minute to see how he feels...
He obvisouly feels like a big butt head for doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing. He's feels awful for hurting you. And his conscience is probably telling him he's a big butthead head.
With that in mind, try to re-act as if you just found your kid with Pot and not the Hubby with Porn.
There's nothing wrong with taking a stand and saying... "THIS IS WRONG, YOU PERVERT!" and putting down the foot.
Of course, he obviously knows it's wrong, so you just need to state that you also know it's wrong, and then it would be nice if you could help him overcome it.
www.settingcaptivesfree.com
www.xxxchurch.com
Are two websites with plenty of resources to help you do that....
Best Wishes.
then before you sort out how you should feel, take a minute to see how he feels...
He obvisouly feels like a big butt head for doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing. He's feels awful for hurting you. And his conscience is probably telling him he's a big butthead head.
With that in mind, try to re-act as if you just found your kid with Pot and not the Hubby with Porn.
There's nothing wrong with taking a stand and saying... "THIS IS WRONG, YOU PERVERT!" and putting down the foot.
Of course, he obviously knows it's wrong, so you just need to state that you also know it's wrong, and then it would be nice if you could help him overcome it.
www.settingcaptivesfree.com
www.xxxchurch.com
Are two websites with plenty of resources to help you do that....
Best Wishes.
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I found it because the websites were in the recycle bin of the computer. He claims they were pop ups, but pop ups do not show in your cookies. He has too much pride to talk to me or to try and work it out. He just tells me that "If I was a good wife I would shut-up about it." I don't know what has gotten into him. I am staying at my moms because we have two small girls and I do not want them to hear him. He will not even contact me to try and work things out. I am always the one trying to fix things. I just don't understand why he chooses to do things to show me that he doesn't care.
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Maybe this is a stupid question, but aside from the porn issue, how is your marriage? Do you two go to church; can you both see your priest/pastor about this?bugdoddle24 said:
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Our marriage is what I thought was ok. He goes to work, school, and gym. There really is no romance in the marriage because he claims he does not know how, but yet he "use to." We both go to church, but I'm not sure he is willing to do anything. He hasn't even tried to contact me.
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bugdoddle24 said:
Contact you? Don't you sleep in the same bed?
Ask him if he wants to deal with this or if you have to talk to the pastor, his father, or some other guy he respects first to help get him through the denial. Tell him you love him and if this is the reason he hasn't been romantic you'll love him more if he kicks it and starts acting like he used to. Use your natural persuasiveness without throwing the book at him while being firm about him not doing this anymore. I've heard around half the pastors consistently look at porn so its not like your husband is odd or alone in this sin. God be with you and yours.
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We have talked about it and went to a couple at our church that we really look up to. He tells me that he was only doing because I was not giving him sex and that it has been a couple of months because he and God dealt with it. I am just having a lot of trust issues with it obviously because I do not understand it. To me it's disgusting and degrading.Mrs. Enigma said:
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If he has been into porn as you say. Then you are rightly indignant. Porn is bad. However it seems that your marriage has issues and his viewing porn might be just a symptom of a bigger problem. I recommend seeking marriage councilling.bugdoddle24 said:
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Seems to me there are a few issues for both of you to look at.
The big question re porn is why? There can be several reasons, some worse than others.
Men can turn to images when there are other sexual issues that need looking at.
But, unless he talks to someone nothing will progress.
John
NZ
The big question re porn is why? There can be several reasons, some worse than others.
Men can turn to images when there are other sexual issues that need looking at.
But, unless he talks to someone nothing will progress.
John
NZ
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Diane_Windsor
Senior Contributor
bugdoddle,
Two words: marriage counselor
No, make that three words: professional marriage counselor
DIANE
Two words: marriage counselor
No, make that three words: professional marriage counselor
DIANE
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I think Diane's advice is very good. It is very possible, even likely that your whole marriage is on a downward spiral, but you can stop it, if willing.
Example, you said he claimed you weren't giving him sex, you didn't say if that was correct or not, but let's assume that, at least in his mind, it is correct. The normal response of the wife is to say something like, "Oh ishta, I feel so dirty, I don't want sex with you now." To which the normal response of the guy is, "There she goes again, I didn't get married to be celibate, and he turns back to the porn."
Both use the other as an excuse for their improper behavior and it damages and damages the relationship.
He already used you as an excuse for the porn. Are you also using him as an excuse for what you do?
Porn's message isn't very subtle, it is always available, it requires little or nothing from him, it wants him, it never judges him. A common response by wives to it is to turn into the guy's mother figure, and punish him, and withold sex from him, and so on. His wife becomes associated with punishment and strife, porn with fun and relaxation.
Much better to bring in a third party that can help you get back on track.
Marv
Example, you said he claimed you weren't giving him sex, you didn't say if that was correct or not, but let's assume that, at least in his mind, it is correct. The normal response of the wife is to say something like, "Oh ishta, I feel so dirty, I don't want sex with you now." To which the normal response of the guy is, "There she goes again, I didn't get married to be celibate, and he turns back to the porn."
Both use the other as an excuse for their improper behavior and it damages and damages the relationship.
He already used you as an excuse for the porn. Are you also using him as an excuse for what you do?
Porn's message isn't very subtle, it is always available, it requires little or nothing from him, it wants him, it never judges him. A common response by wives to it is to turn into the guy's mother figure, and punish him, and withold sex from him, and so on. His wife becomes associated with punishment and strife, porn with fun and relaxation.
Much better to bring in a third party that can help you get back on track.
Marv
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bugdoddle24 said:
A healthy way to look at sex for most men is like food. People have different appetites for it. If you withold it he'll be okay for awhile but eventually he'll have to meet the need. Why would he want to go to Baskin Robbins if he's got his favorite ice cream in the freezer? In my not so humble opinion you helped bring this on by witholding sex.
Don't lock the freezer anymore.
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Mary_Magdalene
AKA..Godschosengirl
Autumnleaf said:
what if there was a medical reason a woman (or man) couldn't have sex for months? is that a license for the other person to look to another source?
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Godschosengirl said:
Ask the Gospel according to Paul.
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heatherwayno
Jesus- Lover of My Soul!
Beleive me I am not taking your husbands side, but maybe it really is just because you were not having enough sex. Men have a real physical for sex. Try talking to him about your sex life and what makes him unhappy about it. DOn't give up. I feel that not staying int he same house with him is going to drive a wedge even farther between the two of you and you owe it to your girls to try to work it out with their father. I will keep you in my prayers!
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Sweeterthanhoney
wife, mother, hairstylist extraordinaire
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first of all, I can''t believe the way you are supportiing this man for looking at porn! I don't care if she never gives him sex! There is never a good reason to justify looking at porn. We don't know anything about their marriage, their growing up years and the baggage that comes with it, etc.
Have you thought maybe he's been addicted to it since he was a teen? He isn't gonna just one day think "gee, I haven't been gettin it enough lately, I think I will look at some naked women on the net"? I DON'T THINK SO!! Those addictions run deep, and he needs counceling. We don't know how often they had sex, maybe he wants it every night. There is a thing called self control. I thing some of you men use your "need" a little to easily to make women feel guilty if they are ill or tired or just plain don't want it that night.
How would you feel if you found out your wife was looking at porn? Bet that wouldnt make you feel very good about yourself either!
Major counceling needs to be happening here. And he needs to except responsibility for his actions without blaming her! JMHO!
Have you thought maybe he's been addicted to it since he was a teen? He isn't gonna just one day think "gee, I haven't been gettin it enough lately, I think I will look at some naked women on the net"? I DON'T THINK SO!! Those addictions run deep, and he needs counceling. We don't know how often they had sex, maybe he wants it every night. There is a thing called self control. I thing some of you men use your "need" a little to easily to make women feel guilty if they are ill or tired or just plain don't want it that night.
How would you feel if you found out your wife was looking at porn? Bet that wouldnt make you feel very good about yourself either!
Major counceling needs to be happening here. And he needs to except responsibility for his actions without blaming her! JMHO!
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Sweeterthanhoney said:
Again, read up on the Gospel of Paul. Focus on sexual control as it pertains to marriage.
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