Advice and prayers needed - should I go, or stay?

[Ironflower]

I need advice.. I've been married for only five months, and now separated for one. We were together on and off for 2 1/2 years before we were married. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we each have two kids.

We fought right away about the kids, his ex, our values, etc. Both of us have a part in it, and it wasn't healthy most of the time. I get overly emotional and angry, and he is controlling and passive-aggressive. I don't want a divorce - I want my marriage. But he says that marriage means nothing if it isn't healthy. I agree that things have to change, but I want him to commit to the marriage, whether he's feeling love towards me or not, and not to say "we'll see how it goes." He wants me to prove to him that I love him, through "actions," in order to fully commit to the marriage. I love my husband, but he can be a very cold man. We both have codependancy issues, and he has cheated on me (before we got married). I have never been unfaithful to him.

What I need advice on is this: I was planning on going to Mexico with one of my best girlfriends in August. After we separated, I found out that my husband is terrified of me going. He thinks I "might as well be single then," and that I am going to cheat on him. His ex wife went away on a trip without him and cheated on him. Up until this point, him trusting me wasn't one of our issues - I thought. Now, it's a whole different story. I haven't done anything to break his trust, but he outright says that he doesn't trust me.

The problem here is that my girlfriend won this trip, and my name is on the ticket. It's not transferrable, and her trip will be ruined if I don't go. My husband's solution to it was this: he will buy his won ticket and come along so that he can make sure I don't cheat. I think that's a horrible idea, because both my friend and husband will want to spend time with me, and everyone will end up stressed and upset.

I think that my husband is basing the decsion to divorce on whether I go on the trip or not. I've told him that he needs to commit to this marriage before I make any drastic moves towards him, and he's upset with me for "pushing" him to make a decision.

Should I go on this trip, have a good time with my friend, and assure my husband that he's just going to have to trust me? Or should I cancel on her, make her lose the trip, and do what my husband wants?

I'm really torn here. Because my husband has some major control issues, I'm afraid it won't stop with just this trip. He doesn't like it when I spend time with the "wrong people" (he doesn't approve of divorced women, or of women without kids, or women who don't go to our church), and I think I should be able to have some freedom. But I want our marriage to work. I don't want a divorce.

Any advice or Bible verses would help. I've prayed and prayed about this, and usually God is very clear when He speaks to me. He has told me to rest in Him, and that He will restore my marriage, but does that mean go? Or stay?

 

[Ironflower]

I should also add that we've been in counseling for a while now, even before we were married. We have actually spoken with a few counselors. They have said the following about us:

My husband would probably prefer a relationship where he is like a parent and I'm like a child

I should probably be more submissive to him than I am

My husband is passive aggressive

I'm aggressive

My husband has built up a wall around himself

My emotions don't help - makes him shut down even more

It doesn't matter what I do - I can't make him commit to this marriage if he won't do it

He doesn't acknowlegde his stuff or take responsibility for a lot of it. He blames me for what he does

 

[Puptart]

To be quite honest, your husband sounds like a total jerk. I'm not even quite sure why you married him after he cheated on you..

Aside from that, your relationship is just about one of the most unhealthy relationships I've read about.. a passive-aggressive man living in his own little world (built up walls) who refuses to take responsibility for his actions or behaviors who wants to control and parent his aggressive, overly-emotional, angry wife (I've only used words you've used, so I'm not intending to insult with any of that).

That... is bad. Really, really bad.

With all due respect? I don't think this is the time to go on a pleasure trip. Your friend's trip won't be ruined, you said SHE won it and that your ticket is in your name, but HER ticket I assume is still valid? Even if she still wouldn't or couldn't go, it's not as though anyone paid for the trip.. so too bad so sad. She'll get over it, plus she should really be understanding under the circumstances. If she's any sort of friend, she'll understand your having to put your marriage first.

That's entirely my opinion though. Ultimately you have to just do what you think is best. There is no right or wrong answer here as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Ironflower]

Thank you for your reply. My husband wasn't like this when I married him. He goes on and off in these stages, and he was being warm and loving when I married him. He cheated on me with his ex, and he had put up really strong boundaries with her for about 9 months before I married him.

I agree, our relationship is very unhealthy. But I don't see that as grounds for divorce. And I don't take offense to what you said - I was awful when we fought. Since I've been away from him more though, I've been a lot happier and more at peace in general. I used to tense up as soon as he walked in the door because I didn't know what to expect. Since we've been apart, I'm not nearly as emotional or angry as I was.

I honestly don't think my friend will just understand. She'll be really upset about this, and she probably won't go on her own. If it were me, I would be pretty upset.

 

[Puptart]

If it were me in your friend's place I would be upset, sure... but I would get over it, that's the most important thing. I'd also probably go by myself because I'm an independent person, but that's just me.

With regard to divorce... My ex-husband and I.. woo boy. Let's just say that we each thought the other to be one person when we got married, but very quickly over time realized we each were not the same person we thought we were at the altar. Actually it is oddly similar to your situation.. he was passive aggressive and controlling, I was angry and aggressive.. but to add insult to injury, he suffered from intense depression and I suffered from intense anxiety. It was a volatile combination.

In the end we divorced because we just weren't compatible and it wasn't a healthy environment for either of us. We filed jointly, it was very civil, I remember the day we handed in the paperwork to the court clerk, we were just standing there chatting away and laughing and the court clerk said she wished all divorced couples could be as civil as we were. Fact is we were able to stand there and laugh with each other because we knew we were moving on with our lives to better things.. we were able to be at ease finally because we didn't have to go home with each other. We were married about two years when we separated, divorced a year later (due to the laws here that state you have to be separated for a year before filing).

I know you don't believe "unhealthy environment" is a reason to divorce, but frankly I do. Because our lives are short and no God I'd ever believe in would want me to squander it fighting for a situation that wasn't good for me.

If you want to fight tooth and nail for your marriage though, you both need continued counseling for sure, probably multiple times a week by the sounds of it (once a week or twice a month isn't going to cut it, which are typical time-frames for counseling). You don't just need marital counseling, but you each need individual counseling as well.

Consider this issue about the trip to be a major point on what you intend to do going into the future.. you might be separated but he's still your husband. You both need to sit down and discuss why he feels unsure about you going away and what you can do to put him at ease (maybe regular phone calls would help?). If you can't come to a conclusion, you have to explain to him that if you choose to go away, that it isn't an act of rebellion or something set about to hurt him, but rather it is just something that was put into motion awhile ago and you strongly feel you need to follow through on that responsibility (to your friend and what not), and that it has no negative reflection on him at all.

What I'm sensing here is a massive breakdown in communication, and that's putting it lightly. If you can't sit down and talk like adults about things.. you may as well already be divorced.

 

[luvntiedye]

So Ironflower, what exactly was it that possessed you to marry this guy in the first place? I know for me, it was the simple fact that my first husband was there. Yup, that's all. I thought I had to be married now, so despite the fact that we in no way fit together, I was determined to force us to fit. Shame on me! Double shame-- we had 3 kids together, so all our misery occurred right in front of their poor little eyes. However, after the dust settled post-divorce, I was able to glean some great lessons from it all, and I believe that's made me a far better person than what I was. My second husband (married 7 1/2 years now) thinks I am a wonderful wife. My criteria for choosing a husband this time was much more discriminating, though, and we had a proper courtship with no dating games, and no getting alone together. I invited God to be in the whole thing 100%. That's the key, because if you didn't include Him in the first place, then good luck making things work. It will be an uphill trudge at best.