Adultery question

[Autumnleaf]

Since I'm decidedly in the minority here...

If you tell her she may leave you and wreck the marriage. In American society this is a high probability. Another high probablility is she may resent you for the rest of her life which would also be detrimental to things. Keeping such secrets isn't ideal, ideally we would have no such secrets. In light of where we find ourselves in our society, as a man I encourage you to look at the consequences of however you handle this and act accordingly.

 

[llghoney]

I have discussed this previously but I have a friend who did cheat (one night fling with a friend of hers) on her husband & never told. She knew like Autumnleaf is saying that it would wreck the marriage & their children. Now there was the issue of her husband being on prescription medicine whcih he was knocked out most of the time but she to this day says she knows she was wrong.

I personally like stated earlier think it is a good idea to be honest but in her case it has worked out better to not tell. Their marriage is better than ever.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I would want to be told. I would not want to find out accidentally later. It would be even worse that way.

 

[KinderBee]

I think you should tell your wife. If my husband had an affair and was able to look me in the face every day and not tell me the truth then that would only add to my anger when I found out. You made a mistake and honestly if she chose to leave you after she found out then you have only yourself to blame.

 

[Svt4Him]

Since I'm decidedly in the minority here...

If you tell her she may leave you and wreck the marriage. In American society this is a high probability. Another high probablility is she may resent you for the rest of her life which would also be detrimental to things. Keeping such secrets isn't ideal, ideally we would have no such secrets. In light of where we find ourselves in our society, as a man I encourage you to look at the consequences of however you handle this and act accordingly.

But don't you think this should have been thought about before the affair? It's not the telling that may end the marriage, it's bringing someone else into the bedroom.

 

[sallystrothers]

Please tell her. If you do not do this then you are guilty of both adultery and lying. Lying isn't always telling something that is knowingly false, lying is ALSO knowingly witholding the truth.

If you keep this in it will eat you up man, you can count on that. My uncle cheated on my aunt a while back. In fact, he even brought home Herpes to her, then had the nerve to blame her for it. I wasn't even 12 yrs old when I found out about this inadvertantly through my parents. My aunt found a love letter once from one of his mistresses. By the time I was 16 everyone in our extended family knew about the ongoing affairs ecxept his poor children. This ate my uncle alive. He felt so guilty be would beging to randomly buy gifts for the kids and his wife. But even still he did not admit it. He knows that his wife knows and he knows that we all know, but his pride still won't let him confess.

I honestly feel sorry for your children if you keep this in. You have the chance to turn this situation around by asking your children (depending on age) and wife forgiveness where you can pass down a heritage of repentance, humbleness, forgiveness, and love. You also have the choice to pass down a heritage of deceit, lies, adultery and pride to your children, "for the children follow the sins of the parents."

We love you and your family loves you. Swallow any false justifications for keeping it in now because it will only get harder the longer you wait to let this out.

 

[kayd1966]

Please tell her. If you do not do this then you are guilty of both adultery and lying. Lying isn't always telling something that is knowingly false, lying is ALSO knowingly witholding the truth.

If you keep this in it will eat you up man, you can count on that. My uncle cheated on my aunt a while back. In fact, he even brought home Herpes to her, then had the nerve to blame her for it. I wasn't even 12 yrs old when I found out about this inadvertantly through my parents. My aunt found a love letter once from one of his mistresses. By the time I was 16 everyone in our extended family knew about the ongoing affairs ecxept his poor children. This ate my uncle alive. He felt so guilty be would beging to randomly buy gifts for the kids and his wife. But even still he did not admit it. He knows that his wife knows and he knows that we all know, but his pride still won't let him confess.

I honestly feel sorry for your children if you keep this in. You have the chance to turn this situation around by asking your children (depending on age) and wife forgiveness where you can pass down a heritage of repentance, humbleness, forgiveness, and love. You also have the choice to pass down a heritage of deceit, lies, adultery and pride to your children, "for the children follow the sins of the parents."

We love you and your family loves you. Swallow any false justifications for keeping it in now because it will only get harder the longer you wait to let this out.

Very well put...Amen...in the end, the inability we have as humans to confess our sins to God and the people we've hurt...is pride...

 

[Diane_Windsor]

should I tell my wife and beg for forgiveness or should I keep this between God and me? I feel that telling her would almost be selfish because what I want is forgiveness from her. But I know, everything would be different if she knew what I had done. What do you think?

Confess to your wife that you sinned against her in this way. You chose to sin against her, so you must endure whatever consequences that brings. Marriages don't work unless both partners are completely honest and open with one another.

How does a single gal like me know this? Both sets of my grandparents were happily married for 56 years each, and both couples were completely open and honest with each other. My parents have been happily married for 30+ years, and they have open and honest relationship.

Anyway, didn't your priest tell you that you needed to tell your wife? As an RC you are obliged to obey your priest. From the CCC:

1900 The duty of obedience requires all to give due honor to authority and to treat those who are charged to exercise it with respect, and, insofar as it is deserved, with gratitude and good-will.

DIANE

 

[agkitty]

Well, first let's get one thing straight.....the lack of intimacy in your marriage did not CAUSE you to have sex with another woman....perhaps it made you more vulnerable to temptation but that choice was all you, Macbeth. I don't think we ever really accept forgiveness and learn from our mistakes until we can be painfully honest with ourselves about our sins.

Next...if you are planning on staying in your marriage to your wife then OF COURSE you need to tell her about the adultery. Since you already have a big intimacy problem in your marriage then keeping a secret such as betrayal from your wife will only multiply that gap and you will never have the close relationship God intended. As painful as it will be for her to hear it is the right thing.

Then...you need to be able to seek help (counseling) in your marriage to work through this. The disclosure of an affair is one of the most painful things a betrayed spouse will have to live through and your wife will need a lot of time to work through it all. And, although she did not have the affair, she will need to look at what her part has been in the failing intimacy between you. You will also need to work on figuring out what you can do to prevent yourself from ever being in this situation again (affair) and start working to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage that you want.

Yeah! The first paragraph is right on, you need to come clean with GOD and yourself, look in the mirror, and say "I CHOSE to have an affair, I made the choice, regardless of my wife's behavior, I am responsible for ME, and MY actions." Then do what the rest of the post said, and I'll be praying for your wife and your children, divorce is a terrible thing, divorced kids do have serious adult relational issues, I know!

 

[agkitty]

One more thing though, your priest was dead wrong on the leave her part of his advice! Please, the only reason God allowed divorce because "MANS heart had hardened" Not God, through Jesus, yes Jesus, not he rosary, priest or any other icon, through Jesus Christ to the Almighty God, He can save your marriage, he ordained it, and your children, you will only be thwarting His plan for your life if you give up and leave, after all isn't that what Satan wants most? To destroy the family so your unit is worthless to God.

Today we just had a sermon on lust, it isn't about sex, it's about putting something else in the No 1 place in your life. Jesus MUST be holding that No1 center of your life, if he's not then you are, which is not what God desires for you or your family.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

One more thing though, your priest was dead wrong on the leave her part of his advice! Please, the only reason God allowed divorce because "MANS heart had hardened"

I was a bit confused when I read that bit too, but I think the priest said that Macbeth needed to leave his mistress-not his wife. Afterall, the RCC does not like divorce, and I can't see a priest encouraging a cheating husband to leave his wife.

DIANE

 

[agkitty]

OK, I hope you're right. Because in my mind I thought "What the stink is this priest doing?!" OK, if the priest said leave the mistress, then, go priest! But if he said leave the wife then I stand on what i wrote before. We savvy?

 

[Theophorus]

I would not tell her. The burden is yours to carry, so carry it. Telling her and hoping for forgivness is selfishness, on top of the selfishness you already indulged in.

Think of it this way, if you talk badly about someone, would you then go and tell them the horrible things you said about them and want forgiveness? Even if there is a possibility that someone might pass on the info, what good would it do? The best thing is to confess it to God, in the presence of someone trusted. In your case the priest. And then treat your wife as a queen. Start to sacrafice your life for her.

 

[ClaireZ]

I would not want to know.

One has to question all the motives for telling. Do you want to tell so you can hurt her? Do you want to tell so that she will be more available to you? Or is the real reason you want to tell because of the guilt?

Personally if my husband told me he had cheated, I doubt very much our marriage would survive. I know I would tell him to pack and leave at least for awhile, until I could get over the anger. There is a good possiblility I would divorce him. Alot would depend on the circumstances and who he cheated with.

So I would agree that you should seek counseling, but you should be very sure what your motives are for confessing to her, and what consequences a confession would have before you do anything.

 

[KinderBee]

I am very surprised at some of people who feel he should not tell his wife since it might wreck their marriage. Yet they fail to acknowdledge that the marriage was wrecked the moment he went to bed with another woman. In all honesty and this will sound harsh , If he really cared about his marriage and wanted it to work this would have never happened in the first place . She deserves to know and decide what should be done about their relationship. Making the decision for her about what to do with the relationship is the only selfish choice.

 

[Punkdonkey]

I hate to be harsh...no wait...I dont.....but after reading how many people actually would recommend you NOT to tell I am kinda...well..mad..
You have cheated, not only against God (but that too) but also against your wife. And you want to NOT tell her?
Some may say that telling her would be selvfish, but what about not telling? isnt that selvfish? To hide something from her, so that you do not have to deal with teh consequences...
The only ethical thing to do is to let her know, and take the consequenses. If she wants you to move out...so be it. You have told her, and atleast you are not deceiving her anymore. Imagine living with her every day, and not telling her. Every day you would be lying to her.
It is actually possible to recover from problems like this, but it is not possible to recover from the tear you will cause by not telling her.

Everybody screws up (no pun intended), but the point is, do we get up again, or do we just slide further and further down into the mudd

 

[lovemysoldier]

I am glad that you confessed to the priest but I highly recommend that you make it right by apologizing to your wife for the affair. The truth will always come out but you have a better chance of saving your marriage if you face it on a bended knee than if she finds out on her own.

My husband had an affair a few years ago and he did just that. THE ONLY REASON that I stayed with him was because he told me upfront, apolologized and worked to fix the mess that he made. Our marriage is now stronger than ever and I pray that yours will be too.

Good luck!

 

[Devasha]

Macbeth, what kind of marriage are you looking for? A "married singles" kind of life--the way you have been living that hasn't been working? Or an intimate oneflesh marriage?

As KinderBee and others have stated, you tore the marriage asunder when you joined into a oneflesh relationship with a harlot (1 Corinthians 6:16)--no matter how short-lived. So the argument that being honest and open with your wife will damage or destroy the marriage is naive and in denial of reality--the marriage is already destroyed, and I am sure your wife has some awareness of her reality on some level, but because of your choice so far to keep her in the dark, she has no idea why.

The additional wedge of the continued deception between the two of you GUARANTEES a continued lack of intimacy and that combination will greatly increase the odds for repeated adultery--you are not the only one vulnerable, but you are also creating and nurturing an environment which causes your wife to be more vulnerable to an affair.

By giving your wife freedom of choice (instead of continuing to enslave her through your deception), it will, at the very least, open the door of hope for future intimacy. Do you want your wife to love the man she THINKS you are, or do YOU want to be the one she loves?

The Wonderful Counselor can and will heal your broken marriage. All He needs is your humble and contrite heart. Follow His counsel in His Word and repent and confess. Read the story of the Prodigal Son starting at Luke 15:11 and then say to your wife: "I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your husband." Right now you are still in the "far country", and you need to come home.

My husband and I have both been the betrayer and the betrayed, so we have walked miles and miles in both pairs of shoes. We have found that the ONLY way to an intimate marriage is by building on the Rock and following His instructions. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life--only through Him will we find the Abundant Life.

 

[Cordy]

I have not read all your replies, but this is my opinion of the OP:

When you sin, you are not only supposed to ask forgiveness from God, but from the person you wronged. You not only wronged God, but your wife. I think you need to find a way to discuss this with her and beg her forgiveness.

Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

The fact that you said the lack of intimacy “caused” you stumble is a poor excuse. That can be paralleled to a unmarried young man who claims that his not being married caused him to have sex with an easy girl in the neighbourhood. What caused it was yourself. Your lust. The situation might have given you more opportunity, but was not the cause. That is not taking full responsibility for what you have done.

These type of things have a way of finding themselves out. If I found out my husband was having an affair from another sources, I would be much more hurt and broken then if he had been brave enough to tell me himself. I would want to know. Openness and honestly is extremely important in marriage, and such secrets would drive wedges in the relationship.

 

[Svt4Him]

As Dr. Phil says, someone with nothing to hide hides nothing.