Adultery and Aftermath

[qrabbit]

Dear All Christian Friends,

I have decided to post a little bit of my story here online.
Yes, this is the proverbial, "Learn from my mistakes" kind of thread.

Some highlighted details:

After 23 years of marriage and being a Christian,
I fell off the wagon, and committed adultery. I had
been faithful the whole time, with an imperfect walk.
About the time my children became teenagers, the
marriage really went south, for reasons we'll get into
later, as discussions open up. The practical workings of
love were getting noticeably absent in the marriage.

Now, after confessions of my affairs, we are attempting
to rebuild the marriage and my faith. Let me tell you,
it is difficult. Both of us are willing, but there are some
severe scars in my soul and in hers.

What I hope to accomplish by discussing things here;
is assistance in the rebuilding of my own faith, perhaps
a few prayers to grant my poor wife grace and healing,
and to chronicle our progress so that others who have
suffered through a similar circumstance can gain some
insight and perhaps have wisdom and grace to work
through similar troubles.

It has been 6 months since we've reconciled.
Her heart is still broken and my faith is still in
"reconstruction". I once KNEW I was saved;
now I frantically HOPE that I am. The spirit
inside of me does not tend to cry out "Abba!
Father!"; it tends to cry out "Boy, did YOU
BLOW IT!!!" Perhaps this weight is just what
I deserve and God is in no hurry to remove it
lest I feel that "I got away with something",
but lemme tell you, it is SCAREY.

I have faith in the blood of Christ and its
cleansing power, but it is a dual edged sword;
the more I believe how Holy He is, the more I
believe that I NEVER should've have done what
I did. After all, He was faithful, and I had
plenty of "outs" which I never took. Now, I'm
back at the cross, asking forgiveness which I
once easily believed I had, and my mind gives
me no peace.

So. Lemme know what you all think. Let's
discuss reasonable time-lines, good healing
practices and uplifting scriptures.

Thank you all for your support.

 

[sinneD]

I have been married for 25 years and fortunately have not been in you situation, but I really feel for you and thank you for sharing this information.

It sounds to me like you are headed on the right path towards restoration - difficult though it may be.

 

[Johnnz]

There will need to be a time when you deliberately choose to accept Christ's forgiveness. You won't get too far in reconstructing your life until you do.

God has already removed your guilt. He did that when he accepted Christ's sacrifice on your behalf 2000 years ago. Now you must choose to accept that He did.

Any failure can dent our pride. Ridiculously we can continue to accept guilt instead of facing our imperfection. I suspect that your adultery was more related to other issues within your life and perhaps your marriage than you have considered sufficiently.

Jesus gives to us His resurrection life. That can rebuild your life and marriage stronger and more deeply than ever before.

You need to do a lot of talking and thinking. Your wife will need to as well both as someone who needs healing too, and because she is also a child of God needing to discover her God is new ways.

Bless you both
John
NZ

 

[xBladesx]

Hi qrabbit

I really respect you for sharing that. It took a lot of guts.

I agree that Got has forgiven you and washed all sins away.

You not only have to accepts God's forgiveness, you have to forgive yourself.
The Word says "There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus"

There is no christian in the whole world who never messed up.
But the cool thing is No matter how many times we mess up God still loves us.
And as long as we constantly seek to make right with Him He will will give us as many chances as we need to get it right

 

[qrabbit]

Thanks for your responses.

Prayers are good. What I think we need,
is a better understanding of basic relationship
dynamics and the discipline to adhere to them.
Who has the wisdom to make a scarred
relationship like this better ?

It's nice to answer "God", but in this situation,
we need practical answers. We are praying
and reading the Bible together lately.

 

[sinneD]

Definitely a tough situation..

While I have done a fair share of giving advice in relationships, I think this goes beyond what you might get from a forum such as this..

Obviously if you have not already done so, you need to go for some joint counseling.. hopefully to a competent Christian marriage counselor...

But I am certainly here to offer whatever advice or help I can provide..

And the fact that you are reading scripture together is definitely a good sign..

Bless you, Brother..

 

[Johnnz]

What is happening about your wife's depression? Medication?

Seems there are issues that counselling and really supportive people around you would be helpful.

It also looks to me as if sexual issues within your marriage may have pushed you into adultery. That area of your lives needs some examination too. Where sex is not mutually fulfilling it can become a hard taskmaster in our lives.

John
NZ

 

[qrabbit]

Yes, currently the wife is on medication.
She also thinks that I need to be medicated.
Which is difficult to deny; accept for the fact
that when I had left the family for a year, and
lived on my own, I was never depressed. I think
living with a bunch of depressed people who
don't communicate IS depressing.

As far as counselling goes, we have spent a
boatload of cash on some fairly competent
counsellors.

For timeline sake, I returned home in May.
Stopped the re-divorce proceedings in June.
Went to counselling through August and September.

Thanks for all the posts.

 

[Johnnz]

I feel for you. After all you have tried you are still in a tunnel with no end in sight.

Your church environment and level of teaching may be an issue. Unfortunately there are issues that are beyond the reach of a spiritual 'quick fix'. These require a level of experience and knowledge that many pastors will not have.

Some basic questions are:
How you both are feeling - similar to what you were like prior to marriage or only afterwards?
How happy/secure/stable was each of your family backgrounds?
Do each of you have a stable, confident relationship with Jesus, or is there a lot of guilt/confusion/unanswered question/negativity present?

John
NZ

 

[Jerryw40]

Thanks for sharing. It is very difficult. How could your wife make the situation better?

 

[madison1101]

I would encourage you to study the life of King David, particularly concerning his sin with Bathsheba. When Nathan confronted David about his sin, he repented and wrote Psalm 51. It is a powerful testimony to the Lord's love and grace toward us, sinners.

I was in a bad marriage. Neither of us committed adultery, but my husband did leave me and start dating the very next day after he left. We are divorced now, and I am alone. We tried marital therapy. I have been in individual therapy for years, as I suffered from a myriad of things, including depression and eating disorders.

It would not hurt for you to get some individual therapy for yourself. It would help you learn about yourself and grow.

I would also suggest that you seek a mentoring relationship with an older Christian man, preferably in your church. Attend a Bible study with this person, if possible, and deepen your relationship with the Lord. Such a friendship would allow you to develop an accountability with another believer.

God bless.

Trish

 

[qrabbit]

How you both are feeling - similar to what you were like prior to marriage or only afterwards?
How happy/secure/stable was each of your family backgrounds?
Do each of you have a stable, confident relationship with Jesus, or is there a lot of guilt/confusion/unanswered question/negativity present?

I believe the feelings of love and suchlike are still there.
My childhood was happy. Hers was a nightmare.
My family ended up being kind of toxic.
Hers ended up being civil and more-or-less supportive.
Her salvation and faith in Jesus are solid.
I'm a little worried, but lately doing better thanks to
a lot of supportive folks.

Still working on myself.