Adult daughter future and cellphone usage

[haleyscomet]

Our daughter of 18 graduated this last May. She got a phone at 15 when she started a job. She quit the job last year to concentrate on graduating. My wife tends to be more restrictive with our children then I am. When she was 17 I gave her more freedom on her choices of media usage.

Well, it has been 5 months since graduation and she has not gotten a job nor does she have a car. We have been shopping for a car and she understands that she has to have money and a job in order to get out on her own. Somehow she has gotten ideas for a career that are outside our ideals for her.

(Challenge 1)
She originally wanted to be a vetrenarian. In fact, when she was 14 I encouraged her to volunteer at the local vet. She did and they ended up hiring her. However, after 2 years she decided it was not for her. She said that the majority of the job was putting animals down and that is not what she expected.

She thinks she is interested in forensic science. However, since we are not a wealthy family (I teach at a christian school), the funding is beyond our ability as parents. So, here is where some of the present problems come in. My wife is VERY concerned that she not go away to a public university because of the peer influence and my daughter's desire to date. So, we would like her to go to a Christian university where thare would have a more conducive atmosphere and opportunities. The problem as I see it is that those options are over $30,000 a year. So, I would like her to go to our local community college for her cores while she stays at home. Then she can better make a dicision for her career path and she would not have such a debt burden when she gets out. Again her mother is concerned of the public school peers and influence.

(Challenge 2)
I have been monitoring our internet usage and recently noticed that there was heavy usage after midnight. So on further inspection, the apps that are accessing are tiktok, netflix and hulu. I have not shared this with my wife yet as I think she would not respond well. I feel like it is better for our daughter to explore things under the umbrella of our home than to play the authoritarian and restrict her freedoms so much that she would leave and make some very bad decisions. I would like to talk to her alone and give her advice while allowing her to still have the choice. My wife on the other hand, I am sure, would want to tell her that we will not support the activity and would stop paying for her phone service.

If we become "restrictive" in that manner, I am sure she would make the choice to get into a college ASAP withoout thought of future indebtedness.

The root of these problems comes from all the garbage that has happened to our family. I have taught in Christian schools for more than 26 years. Throughout that time there have been many problems. The principal of one of my previous schools is serving 35 years in prison for sexual abuse of 2 of the students. The supporting church that we were part of was destroyed through it and many things resulted with some very bad church fights and etc... Because I was the assitant principal I found myself and my family at the center of a lot of church controversy and many people were not nice to my family through it.

Then the church from the next school I taught had an issue internally and split over some simple issue. Bad words, feelings developed... Anyways, my childrens' view of church has been damaged. My oldest no longer attends church and my daughters are very distant in their attitudes towards it.

So, with all that, I am not wanting to push them away.

I know I have said a lot here, but if you have some insights or advice, I would appreciate anything you can share. Please keep our family in prayer.

 

[RDKirk]

You know that everything is not a bed of roses even in a Christian school. You don't think Christian universities don't have "hook up culture?" They do...they're just more successfully hypocritical about it.

Your daughter is also suffering from a general malaise that has descended upon younger Millennials and Generation Z. Even Millennials call Gen-Z the "Doomer Generation." I've seen it in my grandchildren (one being an 18-year-old granddaughter). For a lot of very valid reasons, they don't see a world with the same possibilities of hope in their personal lives that we have had over the last two or three generations.

Maybe we, as a generation, also impressed it upon their psyches by being helicopter parents. We taught them a world more of dangers than of possibilities.

What's worse...that malaise grows deeper every year that they don't pull out of it. This is tough to do, it's really tough to do, because even Christian sources are speaking unending prophesies of doom and gloom. Not even Christians are speaking of any hope people can have in living their personal lives.

I think you need to have a lot more one-on-one general discussions with your daughter about the world (including, but not being limited to) the specific problems you see particular to your daughter. I think you need to investigate her possibilities and talk about them in terms of what other people are doing successfully.

This is something I find difficult to do with my wife and Millennial daughter, because they both tend to think every discussion is somehow obliquely about them. I have to make it clear up front, "I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the world," even though you really are trying to shape her perception of herself in the world.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Our daughter of 18 graduated this last May. She got a phone at 15 when she started a job. She quit the job last year to concentrate on graduating. My wife tends to be more restrictive with our children then I am. When she was 17 I gave her more freedom on her choices of media usage.

Well, it has been 5 months since graduation and she has not gotten a job nor does she have a car. We have been shopping for a car and she understands that she has to have money and a job in order to get out on her own. Somehow she has gotten ideas for a career that are outside our ideals for her.

(Challenge 1)
She originally wanted to be a vetrenarian. In fact, when she was 14 I encouraged her to volunteer at the local vet. She did and they ended up hiring her. However, after 2 years she decided it was not for her. She said that the majority of the job was putting animals down and that is not what she expected.

She thinks she is interested in forensic science. However, since we are not a wealthy family (I teach at a christian school), the funding is beyond our ability as parents. So, here is where some of the present problems come in. My wife is VERY concerned that she not go away to a public university because of the peer influence and my daughter's desire to date. So, we would like her to go to a Christian university where thare would have a more conducive atmosphere and opportunities. The problem as I see it is that those options are over $30,000 a year. So, I would like her to go to our local community college for her cores while she stays at home. Then she can better make a dicision for her career path and she would not have such a debt burden when she gets out. Again her mother is concerned of the public school peers and influence.

(Challenge 2)
I have been monitoring our internet usage and recently noticed that there was heavy usage after midnight. So on further inspection, the apps that are accessing are tiktok, netflix and hulu. I have not shared this with my wife yet as I think she would not respond well. I feel like it is better for our daughter to explore things under the umbrella of our home than to play the authoritarian and restrict her freedoms so much that she would leave and make some very bad decisions. I would like to talk to her alone and give her advice while allowing her to still have the choice. My wife on the other hand, I am sure, would want to tell her that we will not support the activity and would stop paying for her phone service.

If we become "restrictive" in that manner, I am sure she would make the choice to get into a college ASAP withoout thought of future indebtedness.

The root of these problems comes from all the garbage that has happened to our family. I have taught in Christian schools for more than 26 years. Throughout that time there have been many problems. The principal of one of my previous schools is serving 35 years in prison for sexual abuse of 2 of the students. The supporting church that we were part of was destroyed through it and many things resulted with some very bad church fights and etc... Because I was the assitant principal I found myself and my family at the center of a lot of church controversy and many people were not nice to my family through it.

Then the church from the next school I taught had an issue internally and split over some simple issue. Bad words, feelings developed... Anyways, my childrens' view of church has been damaged. My oldest no longer attends church and my daughters are very distant in their attitudes towards it.

So, with all that, I am not wanting to push them away.

I know I have said a lot here, but if you have some insights or advice, I would appreciate anything you can share. Please keep our family in prayer.

I agree with community college for cores and then a University for essentials.

I would try pushing her into something basic but solid - if she's good with people try getting her into a degree for human resources/human resource management. Large companies are the wave of the future - and it's a good living, although not wealthy.

If she later decides she wants a different career path she can change it. She just needs something solid to start her life into. I'd sit down with her with an actual plan - and proposal. Clearly she has free time.

As far as wanting her more insulated from the world - I'm afraid you've done all you can, and hopefully they are somewhat prepared to face the world as it really is, because your time of insulating them from it is pretty much over.

That's a parents job - to prepare their kids for this moment. The moment life is on their shoulders and your not the main voice in their head anymore.

The most important lessons you taught will stick through thick and thin, but they will be tested. You can be there when she learns some hard lessons through experience, to help pick up a few pieces.

But this? This is on her... I see no need to insulate her from community college, though I might not throw her to the sharks at a public university these days.

 

[DragonFox91]

It sounds like CC is the best route for her education. I went to a big state university all 4 years, but would recommend going to CC first, & not go for a Bachelor's until a few years after getting the CC diploma. That'll allow the student to get into the working world, help learn what they want to do, & get working experience which is just as valuable if not more so than the Bachelor's degree for many positions. Universities can be a waste of time unless you're going for a career that needs a Masters like lawyer, doctor, etc.
Also: there are lots of Christian organizations on campuses of secular schools. Yeah, there's a ton more sin that goes on & they are bastions of secularism in all forms of the word, but there's also people that walk w/ God & want to learn him.

Challenge 2: Hate to say it, but I don't see a problem w/ the Internet usage unless you think it's holding her motivation back.

 

[levnishbar]

Some friends of mine grew up in religious homes, which also frowned on the world's vices and had parents snooping on their kids. Of those friends, a portion of them felt smothered by religion, hypocrisy and rules that the pendulum swung the other way - they ended up with totally secular lifestyles.

The kids that were snooped on hated their parents for it and bore a grudge to this day. The reason is that I think love must be based on trust and mutual respect, and to spy on someone you claim to love is a contradiction.

Ultimately, there will come a time when you must let your children fly free, and when that day comes, you must trust that you grounded them in enough morals and Bible teaching that you will be reunited with them in Heaven.

Remember that Jesus is the Good Shepherd, who left his flock to seek and save the one lost sheep (Matthew 18:12-14 and Luke 15:3-7). If this is the God you introduced your daughter to, she's in good hands.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Ultimately, there will come a time when you must let your children fly free, and when that day comes, you must trust that you grounded them in enough morals and Bible teaching that you will be reunited with them in Heaven.

I think that day has come. I think it would be a mistake to treat her like a child and make all her decisions for her.

 

[tuliplane]

You said it in the title of your thread post when you wrote, "Adult daughter". She is an adult.

I know that 18 is still young and can use instruction and that it is always wise for those of any age to receive insight and guidance from elders, however, there does come a point where parents need to step back a bit and let their children grow and learn.

You need to give her the space to make the choice of following God, rather than her following out of compulsion because that's the way she was always told to. I had a close friend, a pastor's daughter, who would quote and memorize scripture and have all of these good answers. Then it turned out she was living a double life; she ended up rebelling against and rejecting God but she so wanted to please her father and be the way he wanted her to be for so many years. I know he didn't intend for it, but the rules he had, the ways he would shelter and the method he instilled for his children to follow God ultimately led her to obeying out of compulsion. Her heart was not in it and she didn't know God. You want your daughter to have a close relationship with Him and I think that can come easier if she feels less compelled out of expectations or rules.

Now, I could be taking things out of context in the above paragraph - maybe her relationship with God is great and maybe you are not restrictive to her, but the idea that I was getting from your post is that there is fear she will be swayed in the wrong direction by outside influence. I think foremost, you need to focus on instilling resilience in your daughter. Unless she is Rapunzel in a tower somewhere, she is going to stumble upon contrary ideas and people of bad influence regardless of whether she goes to college or not and she needs to be equipped with the wisdom and strength to handle those pressures, rather than a reactionary approach where she responds out of fear or stumbles into the temptations.

An example I've reflected on, from not only people in my former circles, but also other leading conservative families like the Duggars was all of the rules/boundaries surrounding a courtship even in adult children. Yes, it is wise to guide your child into safeguarding themselves in a dating relationship and keeping themselves pure, though some of the rules make it evident that the parents are responding out of fear. How will that (grown) child learn to flee temptation if their parent is always hovering? If they obey all the rules, how do the parents know it's not born out of compulsion rather than trying to please God? If they fear their son or daughter is going to cave into temptation the moment they take their watchful eyes off of them, then they may not trust their child and ultimately, that could mean they do not believe their child has a solid relationship with God to begin with.

I understand having concerns about what school she goes to and it's solid reasoning to not want her attending a university that has widespread teachings that try to steer her away from Christ, however, a secular university in of itself is not necessarily a bad choice. I can relate to this topic in that my parents were wary of us going to college. They were very protective and didn't want us to have a lot of outside influence or exposure. I remember my mother having particular concerns about my brother, not wanting him to go to public school because of possible inappropriate relationships with girls. He was sheltered throughout his life, yet ended up being involved in crime and immorality that was so bad, I probably wouldn't hear too many stories like that in secular people. I'm not at all saying this could be your daughter - my point is that sometimes sheltering and shielding isn't enough and the focus should be on teaching your children how to put on the spiritual armor. Back to what I was saying about attending a secular college: it could even encourage growth if she hears opposing views and is able to think about and compare those to the opposite and discuss them with you. She could also challenge some of the ideas being taught.

Ultimately, you and your wife should not be acting out of fear; that's not where God wants you to be. I know you care about her safety, wellbeing and spiritual growth, remember though that she will be faced with these things one way or the other and that's where the spiritual armor comes into place. Don't forget Proverbs 22:6, that if you have done your part in raising her in Christ and His Word, she will not depart from it. This verse isn't promising that she won't rebel, but that she will know in her heart what is right and wrong. You cannot make that decision for her and need to trust God in your daughter's outcome.

As far as the internet thing, well I don't think you need to be too concerned. If she was 12, I might have different advice for you, but internet usage is a part of everyday life and the sites you listed are very common. Is there immoral and questionable content on those platforms? Of course. That is pretty much all of the internet (and life too). There's good and bad. At your daughter's age, she should have some discernment about what's right and wrong, especially if you raised her that way. You are right in your thinking - if you police her in the privacy and freedom of using the internet, it could lead to resentment, bitterness and rebellion. She needs to feel trusted.

I hope this helps!

Also, what makes you think a forensic program would be too costly? I don't know much about that particular program, but perhaps look into different colleges and compare costs. Could she get aid or some scholarships? I agree that starting with community college first is often the most cost effective option!

 

[jacks]

So, we would like her to go to a Christian university where thare would have a more conducive atmosphere and opportunities. The problem as I see it is that those options are over $30,000 a year.

Have you looked at Grand Canyon University? Their tuition is reasonable. About $8K per semester and most students pay less.

 

[haleyscomet]

Really appreciate all the helpful advice. It is amazing how God works... This morning I had the opportunity to have some one on one with her. I shared with her that there would be some real benefits of staying local and going to the community college here . That during that time she would have a good opportunity to see what's available and get some good feedback from others on choosing a career that would fit her. Also, that she would still have a paid for place at home and a safety net. She actually said that it really made sense and thanked me for sharing. She also responded that she knows that one of our biggest concerns is that she would hook up with a nonbeliever and that we have nothing to worry about.

So, I found out that the local college is having an open house next week! And we registered to visit. Keep us in prayer...

 

[Enilorac]

I have been monitoring our internet usage and recently noticed that there was heavy usage after midnight. So on further inspection, the apps that are accessing are tiktok, netflix and hulu.

I fail to see the problem with the apps. Maybe she's using them after midnight to keep people out of her business. My heavy app usage would include YouTube, Netflix and Amazon. Thing is, I look for all the nerd documentaries. If you looked at my history, you'd see hours and hours of YouTube especially. What am I watching? Currently a detailed look at the Saturn V F-1 engine.

I am all for a 2 year school. I never bothered to finish a 4 year degree and I've ended up with a very successful and varied career. I got my AAS as a freebie by doing a work/study program. All these years later, I'm still in the same career field, sort of.

In terms of going to a Christian College...nah, same stuff, different day, just better liars. If going to a public school steers her away from Christ, then her faith wasn't that strong to begin with. Realize that when she gets out of the Christian bubble, she will be faced with many ideas, questions, etc. that she will find answers for. Its not the school that does it (FTR, I teach at a public charter high school), the claim of "indoctrination" is utterly false. What happens is that these kids meet people of different beliefs, races, cultures, and so on, and are out of that very homogeneous environment they spent their childhood. They have questions, they take time to learn about each other and evaluate the things they were taught. I even see it in the high school and our school is a religious and cultural melting pot.

As far as dating/marrying an unbeliever, that's in the future and one of those things that are best left to the Lord.

 

[NinjaPirate777]

I would encourage you to cancel your internet and stop paying for her phone. Also, encourage her to go to Christian singles events in the hope she finds a husband. She doesn't seem motivated to get a job and pay bills. Paying for her to be able to escape online every day is more powerful than anything you say to try to convince her to pay her own bills. Dealing with young adult children is like dealing with a mule sometimes. You can try to push it but if you pull out a carrot it will follow you where you want it to go.

Women at age 18 or 19 are at a healthy age to have children. It is safer for them. Encouraging her to meet Christian men who have their lives together and will love, cherish and provide for her is what I would recommend. I have two married daughters. One is career minded, spent a 6 year enlistment in the Air Force and is working to get her degree while her husband vacillates between what he wants to do with his life. My other daughter is married to an electrical engineer. She dabbled in real estate and is now thinking about going to college. Which one do you think is more content in life?

 

[coffee4u]

Our daughter of 18 graduated this last May. She got a phone at 15 when she started a job. She quit the job last year to concentrate on graduating. My wife tends to be more restrictive with our children then I am. When she was 17 I gave her more freedom on her choices of media usage.

Well, it has been 5 months since graduation and she has not gotten a job nor does she have a car. We have been shopping for a car and she understands that she has to have money and a job in order to get out on her own. Somehow she has gotten ideas for a career that are outside our ideals for her.

(Challenge 1)
She originally wanted to be a vetrenarian. In fact, when she was 14 I encouraged her to volunteer at the local vet. She did and they ended up hiring her. However, after 2 years she decided it was not for her. She said that the majority of the job was putting animals down and that is not what she expected.

She thinks she is interested in forensic science. However, since we are not a wealthy family (I teach at a christian school), the funding is beyond our ability as parents. So, here is where some of the present problems come in. My wife is VERY concerned that she not go away to a public university because of the peer influence and my daughter's desire to date. So, we would like her to go to a Christian university where thare would have a more conducive atmosphere and opportunities. The problem as I see it is that those options are over $30,000 a year. So, I would like her to go to our local community college for her cores while she stays at home. Then she can better make a dicision for her career path and she would not have such a debt burden when she gets out. Again her mother is concerned of the public school peers and influence.

(Challenge 2)
I have been monitoring our internet usage and recently noticed that there was heavy usage after midnight. So on further inspection, the apps that are accessing are tiktok, netflix and hulu. I have not shared this with my wife yet as I think she would not respond well. I feel like it is better for our daughter to explore things under the umbrella of our home than to play the authoritarian and restrict her freedoms so much that she would leave and make some very bad decisions. I would like to talk to her alone and give her advice while allowing her to still have the choice. My wife on the other hand, I am sure, would want to tell her that we will not support the activity and would stop paying for her phone service.

If we become "restrictive" in that manner, I am sure she would make the choice to get into a college ASAP withoout thought of future indebtedness.

The root of these problems comes from all the garbage that has happened to our family. I have taught in Christian schools for more than 26 years. Throughout that time there have been many problems. The principal of one of my previous schools is serving 35 years in prison for sexual abuse of 2 of the students. The supporting church that we were part of was destroyed through it and many things resulted with some very bad church fights and etc... Because I was the assitant principal I found myself and my family at the center of a lot of church controversy and many people were not nice to my family through it.

Then the church from the next school I taught had an issue internally and split over some simple issue. Bad words, feelings developed... Anyways, my childrens' view of church has been damaged. My oldest no longer attends church and my daughters are very distant in their attitudes towards it.

So, with all that, I am not wanting to push them away.

I know I have said a lot here, but if you have some insights or advice, I would appreciate anything you can share. Please keep our family in prayer.

I would tend to go your way. Have a chat to her about how the world is going. Suggest that she look at all sides. if she doesn't yet have a strong faith or strong opinions these social media places can be very swaying.

With her work, I don't know your country or what it offers but my daughter has finished one course on animals and will be moving onto a wild life course next year which opens up opportunities for work in a wildlife park or sanctuary.

 

[Sketcher]

My wife is VERY concerned that she not go away to a public university because of the peer influence and my daughter's desire to date. So, we would like her to go to a Christian university where thare would have a more conducive atmosphere and opportunities. The problem as I see it is that those options are over $30,000 a year. So, I would like her to go to our local community college for her cores while she stays at home. Then she can better make a dicision for her career path and she would not have such a debt burden when she gets out. Again her mother is concerned of the public school peers and influence.

At public colleges and universities, there are campus ministries which provide social lives for students, and which emphasize the Gospel and discipleship. You get to know people from there, you hang out, you're generally too busy to get into too much trouble. They all tend to do the same stuff (Bible studies, events, retreats, spring break trips, short-term mission opportunities for those called to it) so it's best to pick one and go with it.

None of my friends who went to Christian colleges really had that kind of fellowship. They had to go to chapel and they had to seek out all of that other stuff.

For community college, that plan can work if you think she can handle the transition well. Is she the kind of person who would rather go from place to place every few years, or would she prefer to lay down roots in one place? If it's the latter, she might not handle transferring well.

If you think young people can only get radicalized by going to public university, think again. They meet people. They date people. They have the Internet. I've seen it happen.

If we become "restrictive" in that manner, I am sure she would make the choice to get into a college ASAP withoout thought of future indebtedness.

That happens at community colleges, even before these apps existed. People said they would transfer. You can ask how they're paying for it. They say they're taking out a loan, and they have no idea when/how they're going to pay it back.

Anyways, my childrens' view of church has been damaged. My oldest no longer attends church and my daughters are very distant in their attitudes towards it.

What are their beliefs and attitudes about Christ?