ADD and social skills

[KnightWhoSaysNi]

Has anyone here with ADD had difficulties with social issues? I think that's the most infuriating part of having ADD. Basically, social skills just don't come as intuitively. You commit some faux pas or break some social rule while not even realizing it. Unfortunately, breaking social rules is punished severely as people misattribute your motives. You're inevitably left with social exclusion. It becomes especially difficult when dealing with the opposite sex when it comes to attraction issues.

Essentially, it's like having 100 people in a room and one person leaves for a little while. With the 99 people left, someone says "okay, from now on we're going to follow a whole bunch of these little rules -- but don't tell that guy (the person who left the room) over there!"

Anyone else in similar circumstances?

 

[meh]

I can't relate mine to ADD, but I do have a host of other issues that make social things very hard. Talking to people is very hard, especially strangers, and I usually end up coming off as extremely weird.

Like you said, I feel like they passed out rule books to everyone but forgot to give me mine.

But do know there are lots of people, here and everywhere, who would understand you and like you the way you are.

 

[goldenviolet]

God bless you. my father has had these issues. he tells me about his struggles. (close to my step daddy)...
he took some coimmunity college courses to help him. one was a social/ public speaking class. he also volunteered to usher at his church (all sorts of assignments). it helped become more comfortable to have places that he feels in his element.

do you have things/ places that make you feel in your element/ comfortable?

i'm mentally ill, and i have some social issues, but have some places i feel normal. one is here . the other is church and with kids.

i hope you turn your focus to where and how you feel most comfortable. and about us ladies, lots of us think guys are cute when they just be themselves. and lots of us think the 'perfect' guy is a mix of many things, including not afraid to show his goofy or imperfect sides.

 

[heron]

Women are very specific about who they like, but sometimes even they can't explain why. There's not always a logic to it. It's not usually about cars or jobs or clothes...whether you're good enough. We just get obsessions.

A man could be perfect...really perfect...and still not seem right. A man could be a horrible, destructive match, and the woman might be obsessed. Go figure.

Let go of the person you might think is perfect for you, and get to know a broader range of people.

Very often it's about how a man makes the woman feel about herself. A flower picked on the way to her house might be as endearing as a hundred roses. Be yourself (not who you think they want you to be).

You can scramble to please someone with gifts or attention or appearance, and end up just an annoyance. On the other hand, you might listen to a woman talk about her day, and suddenly things click for her.

Show that you're interested in what she says. Show that you respect her goals and want to support her pursuits. Keep the attention off yourself as much as possible.

With ADD, you might lose eye contact or flit onto different trains of thought, so try to center yourself in the words of others. Think about ways you can help them, even if you don't get companionship out of it. I don't mean to grovel and be their slave, but show real concrete love (not just infatuation). Usually true concern comes back with similar reward.​

 

[Helo]

Has anyone here with ADD had difficulties with social issues? I think that's the most infuriating part of having ADD. Basically, social skills just don't come as intuitively. You commit some faux pas or break some social rule while not even realizing it. Unfortunately, breaking social rules is punished severely as people misattribute your motives. You're inevitably left with social exclusion. It becomes especially difficult when dealing with the opposite sex when it comes to attraction issues.

Essentially, it's like having 100 people in a room and one person leaves for a little while. With the 99 people left, someone says "okay, from now on we're going to follow a whole bunch of these little rules -- but don't tell that guy (the person who left the room) over there!"

Anyone else in similar circumstances?

I have ADD and I find the most agrivating part of it is numbers. I have such a hard time with number and number sequences. I have an absolutely horrible memory for numbers, Ive forgotten my own phone number more times than I can count.

I have a hard time processing numbers so that means any job I get Im going to be at a disadvantage because of my lack of ability with numbers.

Its far more frustrating for me than the social setbacks. I learned to deal with less advanced social skills and I have over-compensated for them. But the difficulty with numbers is by far what I hate most about ADD

 

[heron]

That must be frustrating. Here's a site linking dislexia (sequencing problems) with ADD, mentioning some new exercises to help.

"Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans showed that a certain region of the brain normally activated during working memory tasks was not active in ADHD adults."

http://www.levinsonmedical.com/home.html

 

[Helo]

I can sequence language and words, just not numbers for some reason

 

[ephraimanesti]

Essentially, it's like having 100 people in a room and one person leaves for a little while. With the 99 people left, someone says "okay, from now on we're going to follow a whole bunch of these little rules -- but don't tell that guy (the person who left the room) over there!"

MY DEAR BROTHER,

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE, THERE ARE NO OTHER RULES!
Focus on Loving as our Lord commanded--and the rules and the rule-makers will disappear in a flash of LIGHT!

MUCH LOVE TO YOU IN CHRIST,
ephraim

 

[heron]

"I can sequence language and words, just not numbers for some reason"

That must have made history class a bear! Dates used to appear random to me-- I can imagine how they'd lose more meaning when the numbers scramble on you!

 

[Helo]

"I can sequence language and words, just not numbers for some reason"

That must have made history class a bear! Dates used to appear random to me-- I can imagine how they'd lose more meaning when the numbers scramble on you!

Actually I loved history. But I never could keep dates straight. I have to think about my own birthday to remember it.

My problem was I couldnt memorize numbers and I couldnt organize them. I'd be doing math homework, look at the book at a problem, I'd move to the paper to copy it and by the time my pencil hit the paper, I would have forgotten what I was supposed to right. Then I'd spend a couple minnutes going back and forth.

 

[heron]

Nowadays schools let people work on paper, take more time, etc. if they have documentation of a diagnosis. If you ever go back to school, look into the learning development centers...they'll make things more workable for you.

 

[meh]

What you are describing with numbers sounds like dyscalculia. It's sort of dyslexia, only with numbers.

I have this. I can read and write fine, but numbers are a nightmare. People have to dial the phone for me, otherwise it would take me an hour to get the correct number. I also cannot do math or accounting.

Anyway, this web-site has good information in case you are interested about the subject. www.dyscalculia.org

 

[Helo]

Alot of that sounds like me, on that site, but alot of it is actually exactly opposite.

May be unable to comprehend or "picture" mechanical processes. Lack "big picture/ whole picture" thinking. Poor ability to "visualize or picture" the location of the numbers on the face of a clock, the geographical locations of states, countries, oceans, streets, etc.

Im actually very good with picturing things in my head.

Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name/face retrieval. Substitute names beginning with same letter.

This is also something Im good at. I cant really match people with names but I never forget a face.

 

[devotee]

Has anyone here with ADD had difficulties with social issues? I think that's the most infuriating part of having ADD. Basically, social skills just don't come as intuitively. You commit some faux pas or break some social rule while not even realizing it. Unfortunately, breaking social rules is punished severely as people misattribute your motives. You're inevitably left with social exclusion. It becomes especially difficult when dealing with the opposite sex when it comes to attraction issues.

Essentially, it's like having 100 people in a room and one person leaves for a little while. With the 99 people left, someone says "okay, from now on we're going to follow a whole bunch of these little rules -- but don't tell that guy (the person who left the room) over there!"

Anyone else in similar circumstances?

YES!!!

This is exactly the reason I cam to this site. Its taken me a while to realise I speak a different form of English to the general population. I am often excluded or ostricised and have no idea why. I feel like I have some bad reputation - I seem often to be the "monkeyin the middle".

My peripheral vision is highly sensitive and I find my body language "in tune" with people over even a great distance, they think I am playing "silly", challenging them, are attracted to them, or am a "sleep walker".

I meditate to learn to breathe deeper so that I react slower to the periphery. My aim is to only respond when I want to, not reactively. I read the dictionary everyday and have divided words into: what others appear to hear as negatives"shower""paper""new""green""blue""black" and words they appear to hear as positive:"super""thanks""..not as many

I've come to realise that people emphasise words, or parts of words to commmunicate with others. That people do not like being looked in the eye for more than a moment. That if I smile too wide they think I am laughing at them or coming onto them.

I could go on for ages, waht you wrote I can realte to.

 

[devotee]

I can't relate mine to ADD, but I do have a host of other issues that make social things very hard. Talking to people is very hard, especially strangers, and I usually end up coming off as extremely weird.

Like you said, I feel like they passed out rule books to everyone but forgot to give me mine.

But do know there are lots of people, here and everywhere, who would understand you and like you the way you are.

i have often asked people "what are the rules" and am told - there are no rules! The words "half" "new" "black" "shower" "cow" "brocken" "birthday" are used around me a lot, and in converstion with me - I have since learnt that this means I am slow and stupid, asleep in consciousness.
I am now learning how people play "it", not that I want to join in, just so that I can be aware of when people are trying to "mark" me, and I can step aside.
When I question about my situation people get upset, tell me I am negative and twisted, but i know they don't like being "it" and have seen them get angry.

 

[heron]

I'm not aware of this social lingo, but agree there are things that make people uncomfortable. If I were to make up a list of social rules, it would look like this:

- Yes, avoid long eye contact. Or no eye contact at all...flitting conveys insincerity. Staring conveys criticism, and puts me on the spot.

- Close body proximity ...and worse, people moving closer when I back away to add space.

- Conversations where the other person doesn't appear to care what I say...why bother talking. (Interruptions, competition, changing subject, ignoring.)

- Overdependence (solution, make yourself talk to a different person every few minutes, instead of clinging to one person)

It's probably not so much social rules, as discomforts people don't think about until they happen. Sometimes it's another's self-concsiousness or insecurity that brings them down. (What a cycle.)

Pick a conversation this week, and try to take your perception of yourself totally out of the dynamics. Don't worry about how you come across, whether they'll like you, etc. Focus on what you can do to lift this person up and improve their life...how might God use you to calm them, pray for them, make connections they need.

Be willing to face rejection for the sake of a higher purpose. (If your agnostic, just make it betterment of humanity.) This can sometimes totally turn a conversation around.

The truth is, everyone is preoccupied in their own concerns. Everyone wants to be respected.

The people who appear socially on top are sometimes there through intimidation and bullying. Don't bother gaining approval from people who continually crush others.

If you're still looking for some safe rules, here are some suggestions...

- Be professional, even in casual situations
- Resist putting others down for humor.
- Don't insult yourself--it pulls people into an obligation to cover your words.
- Avoid harming others or property even if you think it won't matter
- Resist complaining about things you believe you can handle.
- Give people time to think. Their brains are working at the same time, but about different concerns.

We all offend others...we all rub people the wrong way. Notice that in my taking the stance of giving advice and not admitting weakness, I've probably made some people uncomfortable. This can be a nasty form of competition too. Sorry to make it so advicey.

Skim over some Asperger sites too, for tips.
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/


​

 

[devotee]

I'm not aware of this social lingo, but agree there are things that make people uncomfortable. If I were to make up a list of social rules, it would look like this:

- Yes, avoid long eye contact. Or no eye contact at all...flitting conveys insincerity. Staring conveys criticism, and puts me on the spot.

- Close body proximity ...and worse, people moving closer when I back away to add space.

- Conversations where the other person doesn't appear to care what I say...why bother talking. (Interruptions, competition, changing subject, ignoring.)

- Overdependence (solution, make yourself talk to a different person every few minutes, instead of clinging to one person)

It's probably not so much social rules, as discomforts people don't think about until they happen. Sometimes it's another's self-concsiousness or insecurity that brings them down. (What a cycle.)

Pick a conversation this week, and try to take your perception of yourself totally out of the dynamics. Don't worry about how you come across, whether they'll like you, etc. Focus on what you can do to lift this person up and improve their life...how might God use you to calm them, pray for them, make connections they need.

Be willing to face rejection for the sake of a higher purpose. (If your agnostic, just make it betterment of humanity.) This can sometimes totally turn a conversation around.

The truth is, everyone is preoccupied in their own concerns. Everyone wants to be respected.

The people who appear socially on top are sometimes there through intimidation and bullying. Don't bother gaining approval from people who continually crush others.

If you're still looking for some safe rules, here are some suggestions...

- Be professional, even in casual situations
- Resist putting others down for humor.
- Don't insult yourself--it pulls people into an obligation to cover your words.
- Avoid harming others or property even if you think it won't matter
- Resist complaining about things you believe you can handle.
- Give people time to think. Their brains are working at the same time, but about different concerns.

We all offend others...we all rub people the wrong way. Notice that in my taking the stance of giving advice and not admitting weakness, I've probably made some people uncomfortable. This can be a nasty form of competition too. Sorry to make it so advicey.

Skim over some Asperger sites too, for tips.
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/


​

Thank you for your advice. I at least wasn't offended, I think there are times when things just need to be said.

There seems to be very few people who do use this social lingo, from my experience. The example of all agreeing to some form of communication and leaving one person out I can relate to. As I learn the lingo I realise how much I don't want to live with such negativity, but through knowing the language I am communicating better, i.e., I can avoid being taken advantage of, can acknowledge I know what is going on and walk away. I've found my life becoming a lot more mechanical, but it does serve the purpose of not living in confusion or anger. For example, in many cases if a person is being rude I touch something black in colour, or use the word black, and they will apologise for something in the next sentence, generally. I find this way of communicating very indirect, something I am not used to. From my research its a social skill used by "Sidewinders", and its like you said about wanting to use intimidation and bullying.

Thank you for the suggested conversation, I will let you know how the conversations go.

Could you expand on what you mean by "resist putting others down for humor".

I will surf the suggested site too.

 

[heron]

Thanks for understanding what I was trying to get across. You asked, I answered.

Humor--I just mean that some groups of people make fun of others as a way to bond. It's really not worth playing along with that, besides human decency reasons, because they will eventually turn on each other.

I've never heard of techniques like touching colors. I need to get out more!

There's a culture change each time you move to another situation. In high school, people make up slang or take it from shows and music ...if ya' don't watch the same shows, you're out. If you learn the lingo, you're in.

When we start preschool or kindergarten, there are different survival skills--I mean social development and acclamation--like sharing crayons, and not wearing diapers.

Once we get out in the workplace, the hidden clues are much less childish. I'm in a culture now where I hardly have to worry about any of these, as long as I talk pleasantly, dress well, and work hard.

Some jobs I've been in, people were much less mature, and excluded each other like they were playing a game. It was ridiculous.

Try to surround yourself with people that you truly respect, not just ones that intimidate you into fearing them. It really makes a difference!

So, there are survival skills, and there's what you believe to be right. Keep them very separate in your mind. You don't have to live for others...but there are a few games that help you get ahead. Decide which ones are worth bending to. Let go of the rest, and be strong in yourself.


​

 

[heron]

Thanks for understanding what I was trying to get across. You asked, I answered.

Humor--I just mean that some groups of people make fun of others as a way to bond. It's really not worth playing along with that, besides human decency reasons, because they will eventually turn on each other.

I've never heard of techniques like touching colors. I need to get out more!

There's a culture change each time you move to another situation. In high school, people make up slang or take it from shows and music ...if ya' don't watch the same shows, you're out. If you learn the lingo, you're in.

When we start preschool or kindergarten, there are different survival skills--I mean social development and acclamation--like sharing crayons, and not wearing diapers.

Once we get out in the workplace, the hidden clues are much less childish. I'm in a culture now where I hardly have to worry about any of these, as long as I talk pleasantly, dress well, and work hard.

Some jobs I've been in, people were much less mature, and excluded each other like they were playing a game. It was ridiculous.

Try to surround yourself with people that you truly respect, not just ones that intimidate you into fearing them. It really makes a difference!

So, there are survival skills, and there's what you believe to be right. Keep them very separate in your mind. You don't have to live for others...but there are a few games that help you get ahead. Decide which ones are worth bending to. Let go of the rest, and be strong in yourself.

By the way, I think it's really interesting that you asked these questions. I can't think of a time when I've heard someone ask--except in seventh grade when a friend asked which swear words we needed to learn in order to be cool.


​

 

[saerow]

I have ADD, and it gets to me sometimes. I too have problems with number sequences which becomes annoying on my job, and when I read aloud. It's like my brain works fine, but has horrible communication problems with my mouth.

Sometimes someone will speak to me and I will think about what they say, and think of what to say in response...and never say it. I sometimes get people thinking I'm ignoring them on purpose out of spite. It helps to have a healthy bit of self conciousness so you can try to see how you appear to other people.

I think that things like this can be overcome with lots of practice in social situations. It's not a disability that can't be overcome, it just takes a little more work and a little more trial and error to represent yourself well to other people. Asking questions to make sure people follow you in conversation helps too.