Accepting I have OCD...my story

[blartz]

Hi all. I'm new to this forum, since I'm just starting to realize/accept I suffer from OCD. That's a self-diagnosis, but there's no doubt about it.

Since I'm new to this forum, I'll tell you a bit of my story. I grew up in a Christian home and I have gone to church my whole life. I may know the exact moment I reached "spiritual maturity" as well: when I was in fifth grade our class watched a movie and in the movie two young boys were talking about God and one boy said to the other "...if God really exists." That was the first time I even knew it was possible to doubt God's existence. It was since that very moment that I've wrestled with doubts. I want desperately to believe the Bible, but there's so much difficulty and uncertainty there that I'm always doubting.

Because of those doubts, I have never had assurance of my salvation. Have I called on Jesus's name? Yes, while having doubts. Have I prayed many many times for my sins to be forgiven? Yes, while having doubts. Every time I do there's a "did that work?" feeling or "did I really mean it?" feeling or "do I really believe this?" feeling. So I've had that nagging thought always in the back of my mind, which has always kept me from assurance. So, without knowing what it was, the seed of OCD has always been with me.

This year, however, I made matters infinitely worse. Back in January, I was reading a sermon that really stressed faith. In so many words, it stressed we should have "I'm sure" faith. That's when I finally said to myself, "Yeah, why DON'T I have that kind of faith? I'm going to get to the bottom of this ONCE and for ALL!" And I set out trying to think myself, move myself, will myself, coerce myself into a certain faith. In other words, I basically set out to obsess about it, and I did very much so. Two weeks went by and I was full on obsessed and I have been ever since. Every doubt in the back of my mind became bigger, louder. Every shortcoming I have became bigger, louder.

It's been like that ever since. I've been like that all year. It's been only a few days since I've accepted that I have a mental illness. I'm in a very bad place. I honestly can't stop thinking about it. I'm being perfectly honest saying that I don't think a minute goes by while I'm awake where I don't think about it (unless I'm concentrating on not thinking about it). It's also lead me to pretty serious depression--I've pretty much lost interest in everything I used to love to do.

So, I'm just sharing my story here to ask for support and prayers. I honestly don't know what to ask for in terms of advice or guidance. I'm new to this and don't know the first steps. I set up my first appointment ever with a counselor next week. I guess I'll go from there. Any support, advice or encouragement will be appreciated.

 

[theniceiceman]

Hi blartz! It was really great to read your story. I don't like knowing that you're going through this, of course, but it's always just nice to know you aren't alone.

I was born and raised in a Christian home. I accepted Christ as my savior when I was a kid, but I believe I had OCD back then. I just didn't know it. So I had these struggles with perfectionism and not understand how we could (and would) sin when we're supposed to be 'perfect'. I didn't understand why some people said they heard God speaking to them but I couldn't. I didn't understand why I never 'felt' God.

I fell way from practicing my faith for several years. During that time, I doubted God's existence. I saw a prediction about the blood moon last September that had me running back to God. Over the past few years, I've got caught up in sin. I am--and have always been, I think--spiritually weak.

As soon as I started to try and come back to God, boom, OCD. Blasphemous thoughts. Fears. Doubts. It has gotten much better over the past few months, but I still struggle.

Hang in there. I hope counseling helps you. Maybe medication too? Definitely be honest with God, because He already knows everything. Also, check out netburst.com, or netburst.net. It helped me.

 

[blartz]

Hi blartz! It was really great to read your story. I don't like knowing that you're going through this, of course, but it's always just nice to know you aren't alone.

I've discovered that too, that it's nice to know I'm not alone. I don't know why exactly, but it is.

I didn't understand why some people said they heard God speaking to them but I couldn't. I didn't understand why I never 'felt' God.

I really relate to this and it's one of my struggles. I am constantly thinking about others--how they're just so certain, how they seem to have this miraculous faith, how they just know God is at work in this or that part of their life. And since I don't have those things, it makes me worry. I understand that we're constantly told not to worry about 'feelings' but I always think I should feel at least something. Like if I really believed then I should feel my relationship with God as much as I feel my relationship with others.

As soon as I started to try and come back to God, boom, OCD. Blasphemous thoughts. Fears. Doubts. It has gotten much better over the past few months, but I still struggle.

I'm glad to hear it's improved. Since accepting I have this illness, I have this worry that I'll just have to accept this is how I am and it'll never get better. I know with God it is "come as you are." But it's a catch-22 with me: I'll come just as I am...but am I really coming with any faith?

Hang in there. I hope counseling helps you. Maybe medication too? Definitely be honest with God, because He already knows everything. Also, check out netburst.com, or netburst.net. It helped me.

Thank you for your reply and sharing your struggles as well. It's nice meeting you, and I hope you continue to improve. I have never been to those sites. What are they?

 

[theniceiceman]

Part of my problem is that I was only a kid when I thought I was supposed to 'hear' and 'feel' God. I didn't know that feelings weren't necessarily a part of it. I had noooo idea, haha. I assumed I was doing something wrong, and I got super discouraged. Now that I'm older and more mature (not spiritually mature, but mature in general), I know that we can't live by our feelings.

The site is netburst.net, and it's just a huge, huge, huge collection of articles written by someone named Grantley Morris. At least, I think they're all written by him. They're really helpful. Here's what he wrote about scrupulosity. I hope you check it out; he seems to be one of the few people who knows about the disease and is familiar with how awful it is.

http://www.net-burst.net/guilty/scrupulosity.htm

Have you ever watched a movie where someone who doesn't believe in God, or they have serious doubts, gets into a situation where they've got nowhere else to turn, and they pray and say, 'I don't know if You exist...I don't really know why I'm even doing this...but if You're out there, God...I really need some help.' They don't have much faith, yeah? But they've got enough to at least TRY. Jesus said that faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain. God knows you have a mental illness. He knows you suffer from what is also known as 'the doubting disease'. My advice would be (and I need to take this advice myself), come as you are and let God take care of the rest.

Easier said than done, I know, and like I said, I struggle to take my own advice, but what else can we do? Nothing. That's why God has to do it.

 

[blartz]

Part of my problem is that I was only a kid when I thought I was supposed to 'hear' and 'feel' God. I didn't know that feelings weren't necessarily a part of it. I had noooo idea, haha. I assumed I was doing something wrong, and I got super discouraged. Now that I'm older and more mature (not spiritually mature, but mature in general), I know that we can't live by our feelings.

I know you're right. I have read, been told, and heard many times that we don't go by feelings. It's one thing to hear that, it's another thing to truly trust that (trusting anything with OCD is difficult). It's hard to completely disregard feelings when they just seem so relevant, so in your face. I guess I must be very feelings-oriented. I must base a lot of what I think on my feelings, or something. But yes, I will continue to try to understand that feelings are deceiving.

Have you ever watched a movie where someone who doesn't believe in God, or they have serious doubts, gets into a situation where they've got nowhere else to turn, and they pray and say, 'I don't know if You exist...I don't really know why I'm even doing this...but if You're out there, God...I really need some help.' They don't have much faith, yeah? But they've got enough to at least TRY. Jesus said that faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain. God knows you have a mental illness. He knows you suffer from what is also known as 'the doubting disease'. My advice would be (and I need to take this advice myself), come as you are and let God take care of the rest.

Thank you for this thought, and I know it's very good advice. I have heard about situations like that. Most recently, someone gave me a devotional where a guy testified that he came to God while mountain climbing, when he got in a dangerous situation and thought he was going to die. He said literally, "I cried out to a God I didn't believe in." I'll always remember that line, because it seems that just by crying out it showed he at least believed a little. (He did make it down the mountain safe after that, btw).

I know God knows I have an illness, and that is something I have to keep telling myself too. I'm always tempted to think "That's just an excuse!" But I have to start realizing that it's a reality which God knows and understands. My daily Bible verse calendar yesterday had the Psalm that says, "God knows our frame. He knows we are made of dust." That's something I really have to trust and remember.

 

[theniceiceman]

I love the verse about God knows that we're dust. To me, it really puts the entire Bible into perspective because it's like, okay, so there's this all-knowing, all-present, all-powerful God...and then there's us.

OCD is always going to have you second-guessing yourself, and I think that's especially true when your faith is weak, or when your relationship with God is weak. I know mine is. I believe in Jesus and everything and trust that he's the only way I can be declared righteous in God's eyes and all that, but I still struggle with sin. Why? Well, because I'm human. Because I'm addicted to sinful things. Because I'm spiritually and physically and mentally and emotionally weak. I don't think God expects us to EVER be perfect, but especially when we're just starting out.

We're dust. Whether we've just come to Christ or whether we've been following him rigidly for 50 years, we are still JUST dust.

 

[Daphnelover]

Hi Blartz, I'm new here too. I also struggle with ocd. I honestly could have written your post myself except for the doubting His existence part. Let me remind you of a man in the bible who desperately wanted his child healed. He had doubts about whether Jesus could really heal him and so he asked him to help him with his unbelief. I think that is the first step. Be honest and ask for His help. Tell Him you want to believe and ask Him to show you how. I would suggest watching some Chuck Missler videos. The Genesis vidoes talk a lot about science and how accurate the bible really is. You can think about prophecy, too. Look at the thousands of prophecies that have all come true... but I know how you feel. It's hard to trust ANYTHING with this disease.

The relationship part is what's hard for me because I lack faith and trust. I spin my wheels and just like you I live in fear from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. It never leaves. And if I conquer one thing, the doubt hits me from another area. It all started when studying Romans and someone said that the one thing God needs from us is our trust. Okay, well, I can't stop obsessing over it and just let it go and actually work on it because I'm so freaked out that I don't have it. Like you, I have become obsessed with having saving faith. I used to pace in my home and repeat scripture out loud for hours on end, scriptures about calling on him and being saved and believing on him and being saved. And I just can't seem to do the trust thing no matter how hard I try. I try and try and try and I fail and fail and fail. My life has fallen apart, too. I sit in bed and cry all day because I'm tired of trying. But if I'm not trying, then I figure He thinks I left Him. Someone once said to me that I had to CHOOSE to accept salvation and that one really freaks me out because as long as I struggle with these doubts I must not have accepted Him! I can work on trust by spending time in prayer, worship, and the word, but how am I going to work on accepting?

One thing I did a while back was research "doubting your salvation" online. There are A LOT of people out there who has struggled with this. MAybe not as severely because they don't have OCD. But you can still get some good ideas. I watched a video where this pastor's wife got saved, but was too insecure to really believe it, so she started reading her bible and eventually developed true faith. Another girl said she started focusing on the scriptures that talk of salvation. She would recite them every day and eventually they became ingrained. I don't know about this, though, because it's what I do and it seems i can only get so far. I have heard other people say that struggled with faith, too, at first, but that God helped them get to a better place.

I'm at the point where I'm trying to leave my OCD in His hands because it is just too heavy a load for me to carry. That's the whole point of salvation. It's for God to carry us, not for us to try to do everything on our own. I'm sorry I can't be more help. But, you are definitely NOT alone! Don't give up! HE loves you more than you can possibly imagine!!!

 

[blartz]

Hi Blartz, I'm new here too. I also struggle with ocd. I honestly could have written your post myself except for the doubting His existence part. Let me remind you of a man in the bible who desperately wanted his child healed. He had doubts about whether Jesus could really heal him and so he asked him to help him with his unbelief. I think that is the first step. Be honest and ask for His help. Tell Him you want to believe and ask Him to show you how.

Nice to meet you, Daphnelover. Thank you for letting me know again I'm not alone in this, but I'm sorry to hear you have to battle this as well. I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy.

I would suggest watching some Chuck Missler videos. The Genesis vidoes talk a lot about science and how accurate the bible really is. You can think about prophecy, too. Look at the thousands of prophecies that have all come true... but I know how you feel. It's hard to trust ANYTHING with this disease.

Hard to trust anything pretty much sums it up. Since my problem is doubting I naturally, like you suggest, thought I need to read, watch, and listen to a lot of apologetic material. I guess I thought maybe there would be something I would learn that would satisfy me, or maybe filling my head with enough evidences would give me confidence. I've come to the conclusion that this is not what I need. While some material can be very interesting and encouraging, it doesn't put me at rest.

The relationship part is what's hard for me because I lack faith and trust. I spin my wheels and just like you I live in fear from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. It never leaves. And if I conquer one thing, the doubt hits me from another area. It all started when studying Romans and someone said that the one thing God needs from us is our trust. Okay, well, I can't stop obsessing over it and just let it go and actually work on it because I'm so freaked out that I don't have it.

This sounds so much like me. I relate to this so much. It is the vicious cycle or the catch-22 I face everyday: I want desperately to just "let go" and trust that God will help me work out my issues, but I can't "let go" because I'm afraid I might not have real trust to begin with!

Like you, I have become obsessed with having saving faith. I used to pace in my home and repeat scripture out loud for hours on end, scriptures about calling on him and being saved and believing on him and being saved. And I just can't seem to do the trust thing no matter how hard I try. I try and try and try and I fail and fail and fail. My life has fallen apart, too. I sit in bed and cry all day because I'm tired of trying. But if I'm not trying, then I figure He thinks I left Him.

You're not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I've also shed many many tears throughout this. I try, try, try, try. It is SO tiring. I even have a sense that all this laboring, striving, straining is all in vain...all this trying is good for nothing--that I have to let go and let God take care of it. But my mind just won't let me! As soon as I tell myself to stop trying and just let go, then come all the "but what ifs?"

Someone once said to me that I had to CHOOSE to accept salvation and that one really freaks me out because as long as I struggle with these doubts I must not have accepted Him! I can work on trust by spending time in prayer, worship, and the word, but how am I going to work on accepting?

I also struggle with this exact thing. Not only do I not really understand how faith is a "choice," it also is discouraging to me in much the same way. It leaves me wondering if all this anxiety, worry, striving, straining means I haven't put that stake in the ground yet.

Thank you for your response! It was very much appreciated. It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry it disrupts your life so much. I too will have to continue to wait on the Lord, hoping that He will give me what I need to find peace and rest in Him. I know what you mean about it being too heavy of a burden to carry. Right now, I'm not very good at all about getting my mind off it. At this point, I want to--just to see if maybe it'll clear my head and help me to see things better, but it's like I literally can't. I've made myself so obsessed.

Anyway, I wish I had some advice or help for you also. I have really enjoyed reading the sermons of Charles Spurgeon since I began this struggle. I think they're full of treasures. While they've encouraged me, they haven't eased my mind, but maybe for you they'll help. One of my favorites that I've read is Come and Welcome--showing how wide and free the invitation to Jesus is.

 

[Daphnelover]

I understand why apologetics wouldn't help you. Is is possible that you really DO believe that God exists with your whole heart, but that your mind is telling you "what if I don't REALLY believe"? Because it seems like once you got that thought, you became terrified it might be describing your own beliefs, but in reality it wasn't describing you at all. It's like your afraid of doubting His existence but you're not really doubting it. Like your afraid that you're doubting but in reality you're not. Does that make sense?

But, if you were REALLY doubting his existence, then why are you so concerned with your eternal destiny? I would just be honest with Him. He knows anyway. He also knows you have OCD. Have you asked Him to show you how to believe? I'm going to share a true story with you. It might give you a little hope.

This was shortly after it was pointed out to me that I was afraid to trust God and my world subsequently fell apart. I was online reading about others who have struggled with their faith. I came across the verse Isaiah 43:1 Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. Didn't mean much to me because I figured it didn't apply to me. Then I got in the car and the DJ immediately spoke this verse. I'm thinking "was that Him"? Still struggling, though, and a week or two later, I'm driving home from work at 1am crying and pleading with God not to make me be separated from Him. My sister calls and says she felt God told her to call me. She speaks that same verse twice. Still, struggling, and a maybe a month or more later, my mom asks for a word from God for me. One of her daily devotionals that morning was this very verse. Still struggling, I was reading a book about muslims who had converted to christianity. THis woman had been pondering a particular verse all day. She told God she really wanted to believe and asked Him to show her how. I prayed her prayer with her. Then she meets with a christian who greets her with the very verse she had been pondering. That was her sign from God. And it was like God telling me how to believe. That I need to believe the scripture He gave me.

There were a few other ways God reached out to me. So, I know it's possible to be saved at the same time as having overwhelming doubt and even unbelief because at this point, I wasn't just having doubts. I was convinced in my mind that I was NOT saved. Unfortunately for me, because of the insecurity, it's too hard to trust that it was really Him.

(Psalms 145:18-20 NKJV) The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. {19} He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them

Psalm 145:13 (NIV) ~ The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

I don't want to give you bad advice, but I have had some success with reading and focusing on scriptures like these. I have obsessed over them. I the beginning, saying scriptures like "everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved" didn't do anything for me. It was just going through the motions. But after maybe 7 months of this, I have gotten to a point where I can believe them and trust them a little. I can have short periods of time where I feel I am saved. The hard thing is holding onto it. I move forward on the trust thing and then, BAM! What if I'm trusting a savior I never really accepted? And then I start all over. I don't understand how I can want something so bad and be so determined to do it, and not be able to. It doesn't even feel like it's a choice. It feels impossible.

I will pray for you. This is a heck of a disease. Lots of love, Lori

 

[Hoghead1]

When it comes to discussing online apologists, Missler, Ham, etc., I stress that credentials make the man, that you should judge a book by its cover, well, its back cover anyway. It is interesting to note that is precisely what online apologist J. P. Holding says over at Tektonics. That's why I have problems with these guys. Holding stresses credentials are important, that we should not read anyone without any credentials in their respective field of study. Then he turns right around and off he goes. His only credential is a degree in library science. Hence, by his own test, he is totally unqualified to say anything about science, theology, etc., and should have kept his loud mouth shut. "Dr." Baugh keeps changing the field he got his doctorate in and the university where he obtained it, just about every time you talk to him. Ham has but a B.A. in environmental science. He has absolutely no credentials in theology, biblical studies, or related fields. His work has yet to appear in any scientific journal. He is conspicuously absent form scientific conferences. Missler probably has what amounts to a B.A. in engineering as he attended the Naval academy. But that's it. No advanced degree in science, no credentials in theology or biblical studies. He is also a major cheat who has twice been sued for plagiarism and was found guilty. Maybe you trust these guys, but I sure don't.

 

[Daphnelover]

Thank you for your reply, Hoghead, but I think you are missing the point to this thread. We are not debating apologists. Unfortunately, Blartz has already stated that studying apologetics has not helped her in any way. That is the thing with OCD. Usually, the fear is completely irrational, and that makes it a lot harder to treat. I don't think, however, that you need a degree to have a concise understanding of the bible. I think you need a relationship with the holy spirit. I don't put my trust in any man. My whole goal in life is to put my trust in God. OCD is called the "doubting disease". It makes having confident faith really hard. I do agree with you that most of the big names out there cannot be trusted. I would even go a little farther and say most big name preachers are serving the wrong God altogether. God Bless and take care.

 

[Hoghead1]

Well, Daphnelover, then just what are we doing? After all, this is a theological discussion group and that means we are all apologists or defenders, each testing one another. The Bible says we should be as iron upon iron, testing one another.

I'm curious about continual reference here to OCD. Actually, it doesn't seem a solid clinical diagnosis here. According to the DSM-IV, what seems to be the issue here is now termed "spiritual confusion." Are we talking about an actual clinical diagnosis? That's one thing. If the term is just being used to denote people who have doubts about their faith, then no that is not OCD, that is a healthy skepticism. If we are talking about OCD in the first instance, then reading solid apologetic material will help, but some clinical assistance as well. There may be serious underlying self-esteem issuer involved here. Generally, if I work with someone in spiritual counseling, I use a rational-emotive approach, helping the client undone irrational thinking patters that are producing the problem. For example, some individuals may be obsessed (in the clinical sense) with their own salvation because of irrational self-talk stating you have to be perfect to be saved or of any real value in society. Another important point is how much education the client has actually had in theology, biblical studies, etc. That's why I caution everyone to avoid online apologetic groups. Truth is, they are run by individuals without any qualifications and often present bogus information on science, Christianity, etc.

Quite right, you don't need a graduate degree to be moved and enlightened by the Bible. However, if you are interested in more in-depth study and understanding that the laity can provide, then yes, you do need advanced study and degrees.

 

[theniceiceman]

Well we are in the OCD part of the forum...that's why there's continued reference to OCD. Having doubts about your faith doesn't mean you have OCD, but your OCD can manifest as doubting your faith. And, I might add, as soon as you stop doubting your faith, or at least one aspect of it, you'll find something else to doubt.

I agree with Daphnelover that a debate on apologists isn't needed here. Yes, the Bible does say that iron sharpens iron, but it also says to encourage the fainthearted and help the weak. I think, personally, that more emphasis is needed on God understanding Blartz's situation and mental illness and His grace, rather than who among men is correct or not correct. God's grace is something straight from the Bible, as is His knowing everything.

 

[Hoghead1]

Good point, Then. I guess what I wad trying to say is this: Much distress can be caused by the picture you have of what God is really like. Many think there is only one model in Christianity. However, Christianity has at lest three at present. So you have a choice. If one is the problem, there are other viable ones to choose from. I have found many times that individuals are deeply troubled because they adhere to the classical or traditional Christian model of God as the Ruthless Moralist, Unmoved Mover, and Ruling Caesar. I am just saying there are more positive models of God currently available.

 

[theniceiceman]

I agree! Just about ever since my OCD flared up, targeting my religion, one of the few positive things that has kept repeating itself in my head is 'Be still and know that I am God' (part of Psalm 46:10). That can also be written, I think--if you use synonyms for words--'Stop struggling and know that I am God' or, at least, 'Cease striving/Stop fighting and remember that I am God'. I think it was actually written to warring nations, but I'm pretty sure the general message is stop freaking out/struggling/worrying/fighting, and remember that God is in control of everything.

Easier said than done, and if you're afraid of God, it might not even help. Verses that have helped me are these:

Jonah 4:2
Joel 2:13-14
Hosea 14:1-4.

Revelation 22:17 is a good one, one that I just discovered today. I'd heard it before, but I glanced at the sermon Blartz linked, about how Jesus says ANYONE that WILL COME can be given the water of life. I liked that a lot! I think getting to know God is the first step in having a successful relationship with Him. I'm finding that that is easier said than done, but I'm reading a lot of books about grace and what He's like, and they're really helping. If you're afraid of God, I don't think you'll ever be *really* comfortable going to Him for help, because you'll have a hard time trusting someone you're afraid of, you know?

 

[Daphnelover]

Well, Daphnelover, then just what are we doing?

We are discussing how OCD has affected our spiritual walk because this is the OCD sub forum. I just recently received a diagnosis of OCD and let me tell you, it is in no way a healthy skepticism. It affects every area of my life, it makes simple things into huge ordeals, it makes working a nightmare, but the most distressing is how it affects my walk with God. I just recently started therapy and will be seeing a psychiatrist in January.

 

[blartz]

I understand why apologetics wouldn't help you. Is is possible that you really DO believe that God exists with your whole heart, but that your mind is telling you "what if I don't REALLY believe"? Because it seems like once you got that thought, you became terrified it might be describing your own beliefs, but in reality it wasn't describing you at all. It's like your afraid of doubting His existence but you're not really doubting it. Like your afraid that you're doubting but in reality you're not. Does that make sense?

While I think this is a possibility, I struggle to convince myself this is the case. As you most likely know from suffering with this illness is that it's difficult to distinguish serious thoughts from OCD thoughts. So, as weird as it sounds, I honestly don't know what I think. When people who are trying to help me ask me things like, "You believe in Jesus, right?" It's like I freeze. I know what I WANT to say, "Yes! Yes! With all my heart!" But I look within and see so many conflicting thoughts. So I usually frustrate them by saying something like "I hope so."

But, if you were REALLY doubting his existence, then why are you so concerned with your eternal destiny?

I've had many people point this out to me. My response is always something like, "Well, what if I don't really believe but I'm just afraid it MIGHT be true!" I know that's only one possible reason for my concern, but with this illness of course that's the one my mind fearfully gravitates to. I do want to point out that I do not doubt his existence in that I completely reject him. That much I do know. I know my thoughts well enough that I know I don't totally reject the idea. I merely have doubts. Sometimes I think I might be expecting absolute certainty in my mind. Like, if I'm not believing perfectly I'm not believing at all.

This was shortly after it was pointed out to me that I was afraid to trust God and my world subsequently fell apart. I was online reading about others who have struggled with their faith. I came across the verse Isaiah 43:1 Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. Didn't mean much to me because I figured it didn't apply to me. Then I got in the car and the DJ immediately spoke this verse. I'm thinking "was that Him"? Still struggling, though, and a week or two later, I'm driving home from work at 1am crying and pleading with God not to make me be separated from Him. My sister calls and says she felt God told her to call me. She speaks that same verse twice. Still, struggling, and a maybe a month or more later, my mom asks for a word from God for me. One of her daily devotionals that morning was this very verse. Still struggling, I was reading a book about muslims who had converted to christianity. THis woman had been pondering a particular verse all day. She told God she really wanted to believe and asked Him to show her how. I prayed her prayer with her. Then she meets with a christian who greets her with the very verse she had been pondering. That was her sign from God. And it was like God telling me how to believe. That I need to believe the scripture He gave me.

I appreciated this story. I wish I had time to tell you all the ways God has "spoke" to me in ways very similar to that during this trial. Like you, with OCD, it's always hard for me to be totally convinced that a) it applies to me or b) it wasn't just a coincidence--even though some of mine have been very very blatant. For example, I've had a couple that related to my daily Bible verse calendar: One time, as I was tearfully praying to God at work, I remembered the verse "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted," came to mind. I remember saying something like, "I really hope that's true, Lord," or something like that. When I got home, I noticed I never tore off the page of my Bible calendar. And when I did, the verse that day was, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Another day, I was very much focused on "And ye shall seek me and find me if ye search for me with all thine heart." I was really studying commentaries on it, reading sermons on it. I was looking intensely at that verse all day. When I got home that day, I had to tear the page off my calendar and I remember saying to myself "The verse today should be 'And ye shall seek me and find me if ye search for me with all thine heart,'" and lo, and behold, it was.

I don't want to give you bad advice, but I have had some success with reading and focusing on scriptures like these. I have obsessed over them. I the beginning, saying scriptures like "everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved" didn't do anything for me. It was just going through the motions. But after maybe 7 months of this, I have gotten to a point where I can believe them and trust them a little. I can have short periods of time where I feel I am saved. The hard thing is holding onto it. I move forward on the trust thing and then, BAM! What if I'm trusting a savior I never really accepted? And then I start all over. I don't understand how I can want something so bad and be so determined to do it, and not be able to. It doesn't even feel like it's a choice. It feels impossible.

I will pray for you. This is a heck of a disease. Lots of love, Lori

Thank you so much for your advice and prayers, Lori. I will remember to pray for you, too. I don't think that's bad advice. I've honestly thought many times I should put my obsessiveness to good use and memorize a bunch of hymns and verses and things. I know what you mean about it feeling impossible, though. We have to stay hopeful, even though it's difficult.

 

[Solid25]

Hey guys,

I know this thread is old but I hope I can join in.

I have been struggling with an immense about of unbelief that has been scaring me...I'm.pretty sure I have OCD but my fears have been revolving around thoughts that I don't believe Jesus can save me and I've been obsessing over a feeling of darkness coming over me and then it feels like I don't believe...like a viscious cycle. Can anyone relate to "believing" that they don't believe they can be saved and getting out of that obsession?

Any help would be great

 

[Mari17]

Hey guys,

I know this thread is old but I hope I can join in.

I have been struggling with an immense about of unbelief that has been scaring me...I'm.pretty sure I have OCD but my fears have been revolving around thoughts that I don't believe Jesus can save me and I've been obsessing over a feeling of darkness coming over me and then it feels like I don't believe...like a viscious cycle. Can anyone relate to "believing" that they don't believe they can be saved and getting out of that obsession?

Any help would be great

This is a very very common obsession for Christians who have OCD! I don't have time for a full response right now but I can try to post more later. Feel free to pm me as well.

 

[Solid25]

Hi Mari, thanks for your response. How can I pm you?