abusive red flag

[Monaleezza]

It's a sign that he needs to upgrade to a better phone, maybe an iphone?? lol
But seriously, don't panic just yet.
Signs are wonderful things, they're windows into the future. Maybe this sign is that whenever he's really cross he throws something at a wall, doesn't mean that he'll throttle you!
But you have an opportunity to talk to him about how he manages his anger and what he could do next time to manage it better!

Nothing wrong with getting angry, everything wrong with managing it poorly.
You've got a conversation starter here, use it.
Wish you well. Xx

 

[The Nihilist]

The scriptures tell us to associate ourselves with people who are in Christ for this reason. Anger is not one of the fruits of the spirit. Discern wisely.

I don't know about that; Jesus got angry.

 

[The Nihilist]

That fact that he threw anything while angry is a red flag.

There's a pretty big gap between breaking stuff and hurting someone.

 

[Niffer]

There's a pretty big gap between breaking stuff and hurting someone.

It's not the fact that he's hitting/being destructive against an object, rather than a person.
The problem is that he feels the need to break "something" when angry.
That his anger is so all-encompassing that logic goes out the window and even while angry at his father, he directs it at his phone, and breaks a probably pretty good phone.

It's connection between anger=physical demonstration.
That's the problem.

As others have said it also shows an extreme lack of maturity.
His dad ticked him off, and now he has to buy a new phone. How immature is that? It wasn't the phones fault he was [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed off, but it took the brunt of his anger.

Any man that acts in that way should be approached with caution, ESPECIALLY if considering him for partner.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[The Nihilist]

It's not the fact that he's hitting/being destructive against an object, rather than a person.

Nonsense. This is the most important element here. Clearly, our man in question experiences some passion. What is key, though, is that these don't consume him. They don't drive him to do terrible things. Yeah, he makes mistakes when he's mad, but so does everyone.
More to the point, though, the OP asks whether this is a sign of an abusive personality. The answer is no, absolutely not. It's a sign that he gets mad, and she should pay attention to how he deals with that. That you and so many others are willing to write him off entirely because of some hearsay is, I think, unconscionable.

 

[Singermom]

Nonsense. This is the most important element here. Clearly, our man in question experiences some passion. What is key, though, is that these don't consume him. They don't drive him to do terrible things. Yeah, he makes mistakes when he's mad, but so does everyone.
More to the point, though, the OP asks whether this is a sign of an abusive personality. The answer is no, absolutely not. It's a sign that he gets mad, and she should pay attention to how he deals with that. That you and so many others are willing to write him off entirely because of some hearsay is, I think, unconscionable.

I have to agree with this.

When my husband has gotten angry he's done everything from punch a hole in a wall to, yes, breaking a phone...but in the 25 years we've been married - and the three years before that while we were dating - he has NEVER, EVER even come CLOSE to hitting me. He's never even mock-slapped me in jest! (I tend to do that...slap an arm or something when being joke-mad.)

Also, as one poster pointed out earlier...is anyone going to call Jesus immature and abusive for overturning the tables in the temple?

 

[TomCS]

There's a pretty big gap between breaking stuff and hurting someone.

Very true, but once you cross the first line it becomes easier to cross the second. It would take a very mature person to limit his violent displays to objects and not expand to hurting people. Seems like that would be a difficult tightrope to walk.

 

[The Nihilist]

Very true, but once you cross the first line it becomes easier to cross the second. It would take a very mature person to limit his violent displays to objects and not expand to hurting people. Seems like that would be a difficult tightrope to walk.

What's your source? Surely you wouldn't dismiss a man and recommend the turmoil of ending a relationship over a hunch.

 

[Luther073082]

I'm sorry there is a difference between objects and people.

Breaking one object is the sign the person is really angry and upset about something. It happens.

Having it happen multiple times is the sign of an anger problem, which is something you probably dont' want to mess with there.

Niffer, no offense but I think your past experience with abuse is going to probably make you a little more reactive to things like this. And who can blame you, you went through it, you would have every right to fear it. But I think when we fear things, we don't think about them logically.

Like for example me, I have a slight fear of dogs. I wouldn't call it a phobia, because I have a 70 pound Labradane puppy. (He was 3 pounds when we got him) But my fear is such that when I see a strange dog that I don't know, I don't know why but my first instinct is to assume that that dog, whatever breed it is to presume that the dog is a godless killing machine who's only intention in life is to run me down and tear me to shreds. And I belive that until I know better, and when I know better I'm fine with the dog.

But the thing is that for some reason my fear of being attacked by a dog doesn't make it logical to presume that the dog's intention is to kill me.

Fear isn't logical, its fear and its totally human and something I completly understand. And so I don't want to try and make you feel insulted, but I feel like your opinion on this is colored based more on fear then fact.

 

[TomCS]

What's your source? Surely you wouldn't dismiss a man and recommend the turmoil of ending a relationship over a hunch.

No I wouldn't, but I would recommend caution. The way I read the initial post, it sounded like an on-going pattern rather than an isolated incident or two. My only basis for saying that striking objects can lead to striking people is my own personal experience; so I guess that I am bringing my own personal baggage to this subject.

I can testify to the destructive effect that having a physically violent father in the home has upon the children in the home. (even if the violence never gets targeted against a person) I was raised in a home like that, where my father was physically destructive whenever he flew into a rage over something. And he definitely used his violence against objects to communicate the unmistakable message that "you might be next." I'm almost 40 years old now, and I am still feeling the effects of being raised in that atmosphere of intimidation and violence. So even if the wife feels that she is tough enough to take it, that is a lousy environment to bring children into. I realize that it is unfair to view all men in light of my own father, but my past has colored my views.

 

[Niffer]

Nonsense. This is the most important element here. Clearly, our man in question experiences some passion. What is key, though, is that these don't consume him. They don't drive him to do terrible things. Yeah, he makes mistakes when he's mad, but so does everyone.
More to the point, though, the OP asks whether this is a sign of an abusive personality. The answer is no, absolutely not. It's a sign that he gets mad, and she should pay attention to how he deals with that. That you and so many others are willing to write him off entirely because of some hearsay is, I think, unconscionable.

Actually his anger did consume him - to the point where he broke a perfectly good phone in a fit of anger.
Yes, when we're mad we can all make mistakes, but there's a large difference between a bit of yelling and breaking objects in a blind rage.

Not everyone breaks things when angry, I NEVER have and neither has my husband.
My brother acted in anger once, and was very disciplined for doing so.

I think we're excusing physical violence wayy too easily here.

 

[The Nihilist]

No I wouldn't, but I would recommend caution. The way I read the initial post, it sounded like an on-going pattern rather than an isolated incident or two. My only basis for saying that striking objects can lead to striking people is my own personal experience; so I guess that I am bringing my own personal baggage to this subject.

I can testify to the destructive effect that having a physically violent father in the home has upon the children in the home. (even if the violence never gets targeted against a person) I was raised in a home like that, where my father was physically destructive whenever he flew into a rage over something. And he definitely used his violence against objects to communicate the unmistakable message that "you might be next." I'm almost 40 years old now, and I am still feeling the effects of being raised in that atmosphere of intimidation and violence. So even if the wife feels that she is tough enough to take it, that is a lousy environment to bring children into. I realize that it is unfair to view all men in light of my own father, but my past has colored my views.

I hope you'll forgive me if I don't argue with you further. This is clearly pretty personal for you, and so I'd rather stay out of it, mainly because I'm not generally delicate.

 

[The Nihilist]

Actually his anger did consume him - to the point where he broke a perfectly good phone in a fit of anger.
Yes, when we're mad we can all make mistakes, but there's a large difference between a bit of yelling and breaking objects in a blind rage.

Not everyone breaks things when angry, I NEVER have and neither has my husband.
My brother acted in anger once, and was very disciplined for doing so.

I think we're excusing physical violence wayy too easily here.

The OP says he threw it, not that be broke it. But that you're so willing to write off this man entirely over one incident speaks volumes. Matthew 7:1-2

 

[Niffer]

The OP says he threw it, not that be broke it. But that you're so willing to write off this man entirely over one incident speaks volumes. Matthew 7:1-2

*tsk* Such drama.
I hardly said anywhere that I "wrote him off" completely.
I repeatedly said that it was a "red flag" (hence the title) - and that she should watch out for other scenarios, to see how he deals with anger.
And if this is a REPEATED issue then she should be cautious. (Please feel free to re-read my posts.)

Also, way to throw out a blanket statement and a verse to try to pull it together.
If anything it seems to are pre-judging me, deciding that I am "writing off" this young man after I repeatedly said I was not...Oh the irony!
You seem to be taking this awfully personally, you know I'm not talking about you, right?

- Niffer

 

[The Nihilist]

.

 

[godshines]

Hi All,

I see thread brought about more questions and deeper thoughts for other people.
Looking back now (months after we broke up) he did have a lot of tendencies that weren't stable... I mean if we were married, I would be worried that he would have threatened me and eventually hit me. The way he treated his parents (yelling at them, etc.) and the way he reacted once I said a few things he didn't like really was not pleasant.
On another note, I have a family member that is awesome but has terrible anger issues when he's mad, and I feel that he needs to get that under control before her marries ANYONE because I've seen and heard about his explosions, even though he is awesome in every other circumstance. Rage does need to be controlled, because it can become something that controls us, not allowing us to exercise self control, one of the fruits of the spirit. But back to my ex. My ex's father told me that my ex's rage was dangerous, and that if he would turn on his own father, why wouldn't he eventually turn on me? At the time I thought he was being overdramatic, but in reality I'm really glad he gave me that warning. I feel he saved me from a life that I didn't really need to enter into. Self control is super important in many many ways.

 

[highlife]

Better at the wall than at a person.

My husband has gotten angry enough to throw things or hit things (I saw him put his fist through a cinderblock wall...no, he wasn't angry at me), but he has NEVER, EVER, in 25 years of marriage, so much as called me a nasty name, never mind hit me with his hands or anything else. He doesn't even play-slap (I do...an arm or a leg, and gently).

I highly doubt that, unless your husband is a participant on the worlds strongest man competition, and I dont just mean he is manly and kinda strong and chops wood, im talking totally hulked out with unnaturally sized muscles and strength (which would require him to be in the gym enough to modify his work schedule and possibly required sponsorship), he would then have to be wearing a glove to prevent skin damage from any tangential movement during the punch.

Breaking a single cinder block separated by little wood separators is one thing but breaking thorugh a wall that is stacked togethter with mortar and concrete is a whole other thing, they are designed not to be broken down.

Sorry just wanted to throw a reality check out there

 

[katautumn]

hi all,

if my boyfriend threw a phone at a wall after an angry conversation (I was not there to witness the scene only heard about it later) is that a sign of an abusive personality?

thanks

No, it just means he may have trouble channeling his anger in less destructive ways. My husband breaks a PS2 controller about once every six months when he gets mad at games. I just laugh at him when he does it, and it helps him realize what a silly thing that is to do. Most men who are abusive are subtle about it or will display abusive behaviors toward animals or small children first.