Abuse in a Christian relationship

[KitKatMatt]

Escape from Duggarville: How playing the good Christian housewife almost killed me

I've heard this woman's story before, and I believe it is very important for others to know it. Abuse can happen in any relationship, even a Christian one.

In fact, the abuse that this woman suffered in her Christian marriage was made worse by the fact that she had been convinced that the Bible made it clear that what she was enduring wasn't abuse at all, but that it was her lot in life.

I believe we can learn a lot from this to help stay vigilant to what abuse is and how to identify it. No one should be manipulated like this, especially under the pretense of living a "loving" "Christian" marriage.

 

[newbie110]

Agreed. I'm sure Jesus wouldn't condone any of this. If someone really loves their spouse, they would NEVER hurt them.

 

[bhsmte]

Escape from Duggarville: How playing the good Christian housewife almost killed me

I've heard this woman's story before, and I believe it is very important for others to know it. Abuse can happen in any relationship, even a Christian one.

In fact, the abuse that this woman suffered in her Christian marriage was made worse by the fact that she had been convinced that the Bible made it clear that what she was enduring wasn't abuse at all, but that it was her lot in life.

I believe we can learn a lot from this to help stay vigilant to what abuse is and how to identify it. No one should be manipulated like this, especially under the pretense of living a "loving" "Christian" marriage.

Abuse, whether physical and or emotional, happens in all types of relationships and is independent of whether someone is a believer or non-believer.

When it happens in what appears to be a Christian relationship, I guess it is more shocking for some. Bottom line, being a believer makes some people a better person and some it does not. Some use Christianity as a weapon, to carry out abuse on others and that person likely suffers from some type of personality or psychological disorder. I have seen spiritual abuse first hand and it is not pleasant.

 

[Gadarene]

Yeah, it's a good website.

 

[Billnew]

People can believe they are good Christians, doesn't mean they are.
Someone can twist biblical versus to mean anything they want it to.

Some of the worst abuses have been done in Christ's name by people thinking or deluding others into believing they are doing gods work.

Never trust the ones that won't let you verify God's word with other Christians.
Brainwashed people need isolation to keep their captives in ignorance.

It is never healthy to allow your BF/GF to take you away from your friends. Friends keep you grounded and in touch with reality.

 

[bhsmte]

People can believe they are good Christians, doesn't mean they are.
Someone can twist biblical versus to mean anything they want it to.

Some of the worst abuses have been done in Christ's name by people thinking or deluding others into believing they are doing gods work.

Never trust the ones that won't let you verify God's word with other Christians.
Brainwashed people need isolation to keep their captives in ignorance.

It is never healthy to allow your BF/GF to take you away from your friends. Friends keep you grounded and in touch with reality.

Well said!

 

[FreeSpirit74]

Annndddd.... this article demonstrates the #1 reason why I personally do not ascribe to the Christian religion.

I have no issue with the concepts of debt-free living, modest dress, I am thankful that I was raised completely by my own parents (both of them, married, under the same roof) instead of a day care center like some kids are, and my father would have belted me one if I had mouthed off and acted out towards adults (especially those in a legitimate position of authority like a teacher) the way all too many kids do now. Those are not tenets exclusive to Christians, much as they would like to think so.

Where I *do* draw the line is the notion of female submission, and the idea that the man has the final word. Bull to both counts.

I am just a year out of removing myself from a situation where manipulation, blame shifting, gas lighting, not to mention lying and misrepresentation (with a touch of sexism thrown in for good measure) by a man who claimed he was extending himself to me to "help" me in a spiritual sense. Little did he ever realize that the time would come when I would use his "teachings" against him and throw him out of my life. He did talk a good game - too bad he didn't believe in playing by the same rules he expected me to. The one good thing about that whole mess was me finding the internal strength that I never knew I had (and it does come from within, not from God or whatever spiritual entity you believe in). Any subsequent man who would even think of putting me into that same position, much less bring up the subject, would find the nearest heavy object busted over his head the first time he brought up the idea.

I am single, have my own place, my own car (paid off), and a job that covers both. My closest companion is my cat; I prefer to keep people at a comfortable distance. Unlike those poor females who "need" a man in their life, I am very content without one. I can run my own show and associate with whoever I want to without having to justify myself to a jealous boyfriend or husband.

If there is any archetype I strive to emulate, it is the "warrior" archetype, and I feel that more women ought to consider emulating that. We need to stop being so "nice" to men who show they are not worthy of the nurturing/caring/babying etc. they expect by figuratively spitting on the very women who are providing that.

 

[FreeSpirit74]

I have seen spiritual abuse first hand and it is not pleasant.

ITA. I experienced it at the hands of a man who is a Black Belt in Judo and Shotokan Karate (he even used to have a school not too far away from the house where I grew up); apparently he learned karate while stationed in Okinawa with the USAF, and his sensei was a student of Gichin Funakoshi, who founded the Shotokan style.

His idea of being "centered" and "striving for perfection" was to cheat on his live-in girlfriend/domestic partner with multiple women (including me) while lying even to the OW's about his domestic status, instead of giving us all the *choice* whether or not to get involved in a scenario like that.

He would also exaggerate things about himself to make him appear to be "more so" than what he really was. I had an opportunity to chat with a couple of his former USPS co-workers, and was surprised to find out (because of his out-going, amiable nature when you first meet him) that he was not well-liked by a number of the carriers because of his need to one-up people. I don't think he is as self-assured, comfortable with himself as a person, etc., as he tries to come across. So he tries to over-compensate by talking himself up, and keeping multiple women on the string (in case one of them doesn't work out he won't be single), and that is not a good way to live. I pity him, and I used to look up to him, and that is a hard thing to watch someone fall in your personal esteem like that.

When I started to catch on to his game and stopped being the shy, retiring, easy-to-fool little female he wanted to deal with and started being the out-spoken, strong-minded, stubborn women I am now (and always was even if i didn't realize it then), he would make it seem like I was just "acting out" rather than it being me speaking up and confronting his nonsense and, thus, because the resulting friction was "my" fault, *I* was the one with the "issues," not him.

 

[bhsmte]

ITA. I experienced it at the hands of a man who is a Black Belt in Judo and Shotokan Karate (he even used to have a school not too far away from the house where I grew up); apparently he learned karate while stationed in Okinawa with the USAF, and his sensei was a student of Gichin Funakoshi, who founded the Shotokan style.

His idea of being "centered" and "striving for perfection" was to cheat on his live-in girlfriend/domestic partner with multiple women (including me) while lying even to the OW's about his domestic status.

He would also exaggerate things about himself to make him appear to be "more so" than what he really was. I had an opportunity to chat with a couple of his former USPS co-workers, and was surprised to find out (because of his out-going, amiable nature when you first meet him) that he was not well-liked by a number of the carriers because of his need to one-up people. I don't think he is as self-assured, comfortable with himself as a person, etc., as he tries to come across. So he tries to over-compensate by talking himself up, and keeping multiple women on the string (in case one of them doesn't work out he won't be single), and that is not a good way to live. I pity him, and I used to look up to him, and that is a hard thing to watch someone fall in your personal esteem like that.

When I started to catch on to his game and stopped being the shy, retiring, easy-to-fool little female he wanted to deal with and started being the out-spoken, strong-minded, stubborn women I am now (and always was even if i didn't realize it then), he would make it seem like I was just "acting out" rather than it being me speaking up and confronting his nonsense and, thus, because the resulting friction was "my" fault, *I* was the one with the "issues," not him.

Sounds like the traits of narcissist personality disorder.

 

[FreeSpirit74]

^^^And a sociopath.

Ironically, he once accused ME of being a narcissist. What did we used to say when I was a kid? "Takes one to know one, that's why you know yourself sooo good!"

 

[bhsmte]

^^^And a sociopath.

Ironically, he once accused ME of being a narcissist. What did we used to say when I was a kid? "Takes one to know one, that's why you know yourself sooo good!"

The psychological term for that is; projection.

 

[Glass*Soul]

The teaching of the church I attended as a child was this: If a woman was in an abusive relationship, the onus fell on her to win her husband to Christ by staying and being submissive. She would be failing her responsibility AS A CHRISTIAN to lead him to salvation if she were to flee the relationship. The abuse was effectively upped to the spiritual (with its absolutes of heaven and hell waiting in the wings) with her mental and physical well-being the sacrifice, the martyrdom, that is demanded.

This teaching was accompanied by examples of women who managed this, so one had no excuse.

What a lie.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

The teaching of the church I attended as a child was this: If a woman was in an abusive relationship, the onus fell on her to win her husband to Christ by staying and being submissive. She would be failing her responsibility AS A CHRISTIAN to lead him to salvation if she were to flee the relationship. The abuse was effectively upped to the spiritual (with its absolutes of heaven and hell waiting in the wings) with her mental and physical well-being the sacrifice, the martyrdom, that is demanded.

This teaching was accompanied by examples of women who managed this, so one had no excuse.

What a lie.

It is sad to hear of churches that teach this.

But people MUST understand this is not what Christianity teaches.

 

[cow451]

It is sad to hear of churches that teach this.

But people MUST understand this is not what Christianity teaches.

 

[Joykins]

It is sad to hear of churches that teach this.

But people MUST understand this is not what Christianity teaches.

...But there are Bible verses that back it up, which must be dealt wtih.

 

[bhsmte]

...But there are Bible verses that back it up, which must be dealt wtih.

The thing is though, you can find a bible verse to back up just about anything.

 

[BigDaddy4]

The thing is though, you can find a bible verse to back up just about anything.

So true. Case in point:

1. Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:5).
2. “Go and do likewise” (Luke 10:37).
3. “What you are about to do, do quickly.” (John 13:27).

 

[Glass*Soul]

...But there are Bible verses that back it up, which must be dealt wtih.

The thing is though, you can find a bible verse to back up just about anything.

Exactly (to both). You can find verses, and whole passages and stories and even gospel parables to back up all sorts of conflicting values and actions. One's hermeneutics have to be wise and questioning.

The bible alone will not protect anyone from doing very, very bad things in the name of Christ.

 

[Joykins]

The passages in the Bible that I am thinking of:

1) instruct wives to submit. While husbands are instructed to love and be like Jesus, there is nothing in the passage to suggest that wives' duty of submission is conditional on...anything on the actual husband's part.

2) instruct wives not to leave their unbelieving husbands and to try to win them to Christ by submission, basically.

I don't think the passages about submission provide enough safeguards against abuse. The system is easily manipulated.

 

[keith99]

Annndddd.... this article demonstrates the #1 reason why I personally do not ascribe to the Christian religion.

I have no issue with the concepts of debt-free living, modest dress, I am thankful that I was raised completely by my own parents (both of them, married, under the same roof) instead of a day care center like some kids are, and my father would have belted me one if I had mouthed off and acted out towards adults (especially those in a legitimate position of authority like a teacher) the way all too many kids do now. Those are not tenets exclusive to Christians, much as they would like to think so.

Where I *do* draw the line is the notion of female submission, and the idea that the man has the final word. Bull to both counts.

I am just a year out of removing myself from a situation where manipulation, blame shifting, gas lighting, not to mention lying and misrepresentation (with a touch of sexism thrown in for good measure) by a man who claimed he was extending himself to me to "help" me in a spiritual sense. Little did he ever realize that the time would come when I would use his "teachings" against him and throw him out of my life. He did talk a good game - too bad he didn't believe in playing by the same rules he expected me to. The one good thing about that whole mess was me finding the internal strength that I never knew I had (and it does come from within, not from God or whatever spiritual entity you believe in). Any subsequent man who would even think of putting me into that same position, much less bring up the subject, would find the nearest heavy object busted over his head the first time he brought up the idea.

I am single, have my own place, my own car (paid off), and a job that covers both. My closest companion is my cat; I prefer to keep people at a comfortable distance. Unlike those poor females who "need" a man in their life, I am very content without one. I can run my own show and associate with whoever I want to without having to justify myself to a jealous boyfriend or husband.

If there is any archetype I strive to emulate, it is the "warrior" archetype, and I feel that more women ought to consider emulating that. We need to stop being so "nice" to men who show they are not worthy of the nurturing/caring/babying etc. they expect by figuratively spitting on the very women who are providing that.

Bolding mine.

Not mine. I was not taught to respect someone in a position of authority just because they held the position. And more than once mom and dad supported me for calling out a teacher who was WRONG.