can i post this here too? i put it in the struggles with sexuality before i knew there was a forum for sexual assult. if someone has experienced similar situation cud you let me know so i know im not alone?
so i am pretty scared confessing this, but i need to know what this is. so since puberty i have been curious about guys bodies and stuff and like my school never taught it. so when i was 15 at summer school at a college i got into a bad situation. i went into a bathroom and used a stall next to an occupied one and there was a large hole in the wall, so i was curious as to what other guys' private parts looked like. i started masturbating and after a while the guy next to me stuck his finger in the hole and tried to get me to give myself to him. i was so scared i didnt kno what to do. i just froze for a while and somehow thought that he wasnt paying attention anymore. but he made comments and noises as i was stimulating myself until i finished. luckily there was no physical contact, but i did provide him with visual pleasure even though i didnt want to. i kno it was my fault i got into that i used the bathroom in the first place (i cant remember if i went in with the intention of seeing a body, or i realized i cud as i used the bathroom), i know its my fault i was too stupid and scared to leave. i remember i was so scared i didnt even feel anything physically when i was done. i left as soon as i could.
so like at this time i knew absolutely nothing about sexuality and i honestly didnt know that such places had those sinful uses. so im asking, is this event a molestation? or is it a punishment i deserved cause i was naive and curious? cause i didnt want that stranger to watch me, i didnt understand what was happening, and he was definitely an adult and he must have known i was a minor, as since like 80% of ppl on the campus at that time of year are like under age 16, and i wasnt very developed then either.
since then ive struggled so much with p&m i do it like 3-6 times everyday. and i struggle with homosexual thoughts while still being attracted to girls. i started cutting myself to help ease the pain of the memory and guilt and stuff so now im dealing with that too. in the next 5 years some how similar things happened to me several times in the same setting, although these times i was there for legit reasons.
i know already that i wont get married because no woman will want someone as disgusting as me, and like i know i am worth less than than the Godly brothers i live with now. i jsut dont understand why God let this happen to me, instead of like just making asexual or something since im not gonna be able to marry anyways. i dunno sometimes i wish that if God didnt like me that he wuldve just not let me be born in the first place, or just tell me straightup that im worthless. i dunno, can anyone answer my questions? and im really sorry if this was to graphic or something. im sorry if i cause someone to stumble, im probably going to hell as it is anyways.
so i am pretty scared confessing this, but i need to know what this is. so since puberty i have been curious about guys bodies and stuff and like my school never taught it. so when i was 15 at summer school at a college i got into a bad situation. i went into a bathroom and used a stall next to an occupied one and there was a large hole in the wall, so i was curious as to what other guys' private parts looked like. i started masturbating and after a while the guy next to me stuck his finger in the hole and tried to get me to give myself to him. i was so scared i didnt kno what to do. i just froze for a while and somehow thought that he wasnt paying attention anymore. but he made comments and noises as i was stimulating myself until i finished. luckily there was no physical contact, but i did provide him with visual pleasure even though i didnt want to. i kno it was my fault i got into that i used the bathroom in the first place (i cant remember if i went in with the intention of seeing a body, or i realized i cud as i used the bathroom), i know its my fault i was too stupid and scared to leave. i remember i was so scared i didnt even feel anything physically when i was done. i left as soon as i could.
so like at this time i knew absolutely nothing about sexuality and i honestly didnt know that such places had those sinful uses. so im asking, is this event a molestation? or is it a punishment i deserved cause i was naive and curious? cause i didnt want that stranger to watch me, i didnt understand what was happening, and he was definitely an adult and he must have known i was a minor, as since like 80% of ppl on the campus at that time of year are like under age 16, and i wasnt very developed then either.
since then ive struggled so much with p&m i do it like 3-6 times everyday. and i struggle with homosexual thoughts while still being attracted to girls. i started cutting myself to help ease the pain of the memory and guilt and stuff so now im dealing with that too. in the next 5 years some how similar things happened to me several times in the same setting, although these times i was there for legit reasons.
i know already that i wont get married because no woman will want someone as disgusting as me, and like i know i am worth less than than the Godly brothers i live with now. i jsut dont understand why God let this happen to me, instead of like just making asexual or something since im not gonna be able to marry anyways. i dunno sometimes i wish that if God didnt like me that he wuldve just not let me be born in the first place, or just tell me straightup that im worthless. i dunno, can anyone answer my questions? and im really sorry if this was to graphic or something. im sorry if i cause someone to stumble, im probably going to hell as it is anyways.
