- Nov 3, 2003
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This is something I recently posted in another forum about but I thought it would also be appropriate here.... this is about my experience with OCD.... my name is HB nice to meet you all.
So, I've hit a real low... and the devil has really been messing with me... i've gained some revelation knowledge about the demonic spirits that have been plaguing me and i'm about to be set free.
I'm kind of torn on the medication thing right now... and if you don't mind me talking about it i'm going to talk about my mental state for a moment...
OCD.... To make a long story short I just cannot trust my instincts... what begins to feel like the tug of the holy spirit just ends up becoming confusing.... I feel lead to do things that make no sense and I just cannot make a decision about anything. I guess in the scientific psychological sense you'd call them compulsions... they are not voices but thoughts or "feelings" that become very demanding. If I ignore them then I fear something very bad is going to happen.... and if I do them than that means I have allowed myself to be controlled by them. They (these feelings) feel so much like the holy spirit tugging on you... that you fear not obeying if you ignore them... but they are not about things that the holy spirit would lead you to do... they are insignificant things such as what article of clothing I should wear... or what I should say.... like the other day I felt lead or compulsed to wake my husband up before I left for work... didn't make sense.. he was sleeping soundly and if it weren't for the anxiety I felt to wake him up I wouldn't have because I could rationally conclude that it just was not necessary, but yet the anxiety kept nagging at me (obsessing) and I was afraid of what would have happened if I didn't wake him up so I woke him up to tell him I was leaving and of course he got mad at me... and chewed me out for it and I felt stupid and kicked myself for it... but yet if I wouldn't have given into the compulsion to do so I would have worried about the reprocussions of it all day long... I know this sounds weird but these are things I deal with all the time... and the kicker is that the times that I do ignore the compulsions, common sense or not.... then something does happen badly like one time I felt "lead" or "compulsed" to put my car keys in my pocket instead of my purse.... but tired of these controlling compulsions that come on me I ignored the compulsion so I left my keys in my purse anyways and then my puse got stolen and I didn't have the key to my gas tank to my car and it was on empty and then I kicked myself for not listening to the "holy spirit"... but here's where the confusion comes in..... is it the holy spirit? Or is it OCD or is it a demon? I simply cannot trust any instincts anymore... being how i'm a spirit filled person this is hard. You'd think some of these things are common sense but many of you may know that some things that have to do with the holy spirit make no sense.... like I heard John Hagen talk about an experience in which the "holy spirit" lead him to go down stairs in his home and just stand for a minute... and feeling stupid about it he did it, even though it made no sense, and after he stood there for a minute he heard splashing come from the bathroom and went in to see his young grandson in the tub turned upside down and would have drowned if he had not been there at that moment to save him from it. Ok.... well that leading to do something that makes you feel stupid but is for a purpose is what I go through multiple times during the day.... it makes no sense rhyme or reason... when I do do it... then sometimes I experience affirmation for it and other times I get chewed out for it or am just considered odd..... but I don't like feeling controlled by these "unctions of the holy spirit" or "feelings" or compulsions to do things.
And if it is OCD... do we as christians really believe in mental disorders such as OCD.. can we really trust a doctor or psychiatrist who are nortorious for just wanting to lable us with something and put us on lots of meds... is it a true scientific medical thing...
I first began to have these symptoms around the age of 17... I isolated myself from all others... didn't have any friends... turned down attempts of friendship from others and would instead spend the whole day reading my bible or praying or studying.... not because I enjoyed it but rather because I feel like I was disciplining myself.. doing what the "holy spirit" wanted to help relieve the consuming anxiety and fear I was feeling that something bad was going to happen.... (the definition of anxiety btw) and I even made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about it but then canceld it because i was afraid... I was always afraid... that I was doing something wrong, that I would fail in some way and ensure my gloom or that of someone elses anyways and was too afraid to talk to anyone else about it. I was afraid I was psychotic.... as a matter of fact when I started taking college courses and learned about schizophrenia I felt a great amount of relief because I felt I had a label for what I was going through and I could rationalize that it wasn't something I was doing wrong.... the lord lead me out of the worse of that but I still struggle with it to an extent every day... sometimes hardly at all but at other times to the point of it just being confusing. And when I did finally start talkking to people/therapists about what I was thinking and feeling... assuming they'd label me as psychotic... they all said the same thing "it sounds like OCD"... and like I said, when I went to an actual psychiatrist for the first time last year he did agree with that. Anyways, years ago when I got to the point of feeling like it was so hard just to do a load of dishes... or any bit of cleaning.. .or anything I should be and I had all that anxiety I had a huge change when I started taking Lexapro... the anxiety pretty much went way and I had some spiritual deliverance as well that helped but that's a different story....
I'm just confused because I think the lord can heal me without meds... but I think that until i'm of a confident and clear mind about anything I should just take them... or should I?
So, I've hit a real low... and the devil has really been messing with me... i've gained some revelation knowledge about the demonic spirits that have been plaguing me and i'm about to be set free.
I'm kind of torn on the medication thing right now... and if you don't mind me talking about it i'm going to talk about my mental state for a moment...
OCD.... To make a long story short I just cannot trust my instincts... what begins to feel like the tug of the holy spirit just ends up becoming confusing.... I feel lead to do things that make no sense and I just cannot make a decision about anything. I guess in the scientific psychological sense you'd call them compulsions... they are not voices but thoughts or "feelings" that become very demanding. If I ignore them then I fear something very bad is going to happen.... and if I do them than that means I have allowed myself to be controlled by them. They (these feelings) feel so much like the holy spirit tugging on you... that you fear not obeying if you ignore them... but they are not about things that the holy spirit would lead you to do... they are insignificant things such as what article of clothing I should wear... or what I should say.... like the other day I felt lead or compulsed to wake my husband up before I left for work... didn't make sense.. he was sleeping soundly and if it weren't for the anxiety I felt to wake him up I wouldn't have because I could rationally conclude that it just was not necessary, but yet the anxiety kept nagging at me (obsessing) and I was afraid of what would have happened if I didn't wake him up so I woke him up to tell him I was leaving and of course he got mad at me... and chewed me out for it and I felt stupid and kicked myself for it... but yet if I wouldn't have given into the compulsion to do so I would have worried about the reprocussions of it all day long... I know this sounds weird but these are things I deal with all the time... and the kicker is that the times that I do ignore the compulsions, common sense or not.... then something does happen badly like one time I felt "lead" or "compulsed" to put my car keys in my pocket instead of my purse.... but tired of these controlling compulsions that come on me I ignored the compulsion so I left my keys in my purse anyways and then my puse got stolen and I didn't have the key to my gas tank to my car and it was on empty and then I kicked myself for not listening to the "holy spirit"... but here's where the confusion comes in..... is it the holy spirit? Or is it OCD or is it a demon? I simply cannot trust any instincts anymore... being how i'm a spirit filled person this is hard. You'd think some of these things are common sense but many of you may know that some things that have to do with the holy spirit make no sense.... like I heard John Hagen talk about an experience in which the "holy spirit" lead him to go down stairs in his home and just stand for a minute... and feeling stupid about it he did it, even though it made no sense, and after he stood there for a minute he heard splashing come from the bathroom and went in to see his young grandson in the tub turned upside down and would have drowned if he had not been there at that moment to save him from it. Ok.... well that leading to do something that makes you feel stupid but is for a purpose is what I go through multiple times during the day.... it makes no sense rhyme or reason... when I do do it... then sometimes I experience affirmation for it and other times I get chewed out for it or am just considered odd..... but I don't like feeling controlled by these "unctions of the holy spirit" or "feelings" or compulsions to do things.
And if it is OCD... do we as christians really believe in mental disorders such as OCD.. can we really trust a doctor or psychiatrist who are nortorious for just wanting to lable us with something and put us on lots of meds... is it a true scientific medical thing...
I first began to have these symptoms around the age of 17... I isolated myself from all others... didn't have any friends... turned down attempts of friendship from others and would instead spend the whole day reading my bible or praying or studying.... not because I enjoyed it but rather because I feel like I was disciplining myself.. doing what the "holy spirit" wanted to help relieve the consuming anxiety and fear I was feeling that something bad was going to happen.... (the definition of anxiety btw) and I even made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about it but then canceld it because i was afraid... I was always afraid... that I was doing something wrong, that I would fail in some way and ensure my gloom or that of someone elses anyways and was too afraid to talk to anyone else about it. I was afraid I was psychotic.... as a matter of fact when I started taking college courses and learned about schizophrenia I felt a great amount of relief because I felt I had a label for what I was going through and I could rationalize that it wasn't something I was doing wrong.... the lord lead me out of the worse of that but I still struggle with it to an extent every day... sometimes hardly at all but at other times to the point of it just being confusing. And when I did finally start talkking to people/therapists about what I was thinking and feeling... assuming they'd label me as psychotic... they all said the same thing "it sounds like OCD"... and like I said, when I went to an actual psychiatrist for the first time last year he did agree with that. Anyways, years ago when I got to the point of feeling like it was so hard just to do a load of dishes... or any bit of cleaning.. .or anything I should be and I had all that anxiety I had a huge change when I started taking Lexapro... the anxiety pretty much went way and I had some spiritual deliverance as well that helped but that's a different story....
I'm just confused because I think the lord can heal me without meds... but I think that until i'm of a confident and clear mind about anything I should just take them... or should I?
