About college...sorta ashamed...

[dusky_tresses]

I often feel out of place at school and being in college because of my age. I'm going to be 24 and I'm still finishing school. It's worse yet to see all of these 21 year olds graduating ahead of me with double majors and minors and cumma sum laudes and the sort.

What makes this worse is that my parents are constantly bringing down my self-esteem with this issue. I'm dreading the holidays and spending time with them because I know the question will come up "why haven't you graduated yet?/when are you gonna finish?" UGH!

And then the other day in class...someone asked me what "year" I was so I sorta avoided the question and said that I've got about x number of credits to finish...so they asked me when I graduated from high school and when I said 2002...he laughed and said loudly "you're just like van wilder, gonna be a 7th-year senior too??" I was so mortified I wanted to cry...

I'm not going to college for the "experience" either-- I'm going to get an education so I can get a good job where I can use my degree and eventually go to grad school. I have career goals and ambitions and I resent it when people downplay them as if I'm just taking random classes to stay at school and get wild at frat parties (which I don't). What really rubs it in though if when my parents constantly mention other people's kids and how they're only 20 years old and going to med school or something like that. It feels like a slap in the face, sorta like "oh you're 24 and haven't graduated yet-- shame on you."

I'm starting to feel really insecure about this and it's affecting my schoolwork. I should be happy with myself though because if I keep up my work, my gpa this term will be a 3.7, bringing up my cumulative gpa. I should be happy, but I can't.

 

[Apollo Celestio]

I'd just finish then disappear. But just remember who's with you in all this. Rely on him, not your parents. I don't know anything else. (I'll probably be 22 when I graduate..)

 

[odeminkwe]

I am 26 and just returned to school and I understand completely. To make things worse, I changed my major from english to biology, so I've had to take introductory science courses with kids just out of highschool. In my bio lab a few weeks ago, my lab partner went on and on about how there was a woman in one of her other classes who was 26, and how she couldn't believe she was that old! I kept quiet. I look young and try my best not to blow my cover.
My life has been interesting, I've gained a lot of experience in between attempts at college and that experience is what has shaped me into who I am. I would have missed out on so much had I gone straight to college out of highschool. I would have never met my husband and had my two dear sweet boys.
Don't let people get you down. Just think, almost another semester down! You'll have your degree soon enough, just hang in there!

 

[arunma]

Eh, don't worry about it. I was one of those people who graduated on time (actually a semester late, but because I got two degrees). It's way more important to get a high GPA than to graduate on time. This, after all, is what graduate schools are looking for. By some miracle I got into grad school, but I probably would have gotten into my first choice had I the GPA that you do. Not that I'm unhappy at the grad school that I'm at, but GPA is more important than graduating on time.

More important than all this, however, is to remember that you are not merely a Christian college student. You're a Christian who happens to be a student. God does not let things happen by accident, but "all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28) for those who love him. It isn't for no purpose that God has decided for you to be in school, but there is in all liklihood some ministry opportunity here.

Incidentally, I see nothing strange about your situation. My roommate is a 24 year old undergrad, so I'm quite accustomed to this. If people think that you are odd for being a 24 year old undergrad, then they aren't aware that this is a very common phenomenon.

 

[BoarderDave]

Don't worry about that.. personally I think you are at a benefit, more so than those people that graduate quickly.. if you are in school for longer, think of how much more you will have learned. the education you get is FAR more important than what the paperwork (degree) says or whatever. Education is part of life. As far as I can see, you are by far ahead of many others. Keep up the good work. Learn as much as you can.

 

[frenzy]

I'm going to be graduating late. It happens. It's dumb how people are so judgemental about it. We do what we can.

 

[Everlasting33]

Browneyes,

It sounds like you have been very hurt and embarrassed by some of the comments and I certainly understand your feelings. It doesn't feel great when you already feel insecure about it and then people keep bringing it up!

Some of the posters have said "don't worry about it" and I think in saying this it only negates your genuine feelings and thoughts. The truth of the matter is, I am sure you would rather not be worrying about this but because of some hurtful comments, it has stung and your self-esteem has taken some heat.

One of the best ways to cope with a loss of self-esteem is overcoming the cognitive distortions over your current feelings. Here are a couple of questions for you to consider:

*Is your worth, value, and uniqueness based on your achievements, accomplishments, and relationships?

*How much of my self-esteem am I willing to give away to unfair, rude statements?

*Not everyone graduates at the same time and because you are not in the "norm" that does not say you are any less smart, adequate, capable, worthy, or valuable than the person who graduates at 21.

Unfair and rude comments hurt and they can certainly leave a sting. But remember that the comments made by others do not reflect the validity of the situation. For example, I am graduating at the age of 23 and a lot of people have gotten to me about my age, too. But a lot of people do not know that I struggled with depression/low self-esteem my entire life and my academics were severely affected.

Because of this, I fell a year behind but I have accomplished many goals and achievements along the way. To the outside person, I may look lazy or even stupid but only I can judge the situation to the fullest validity and accurancy...noone else can! I take pride in the accomplishment of even graduation because with all my struggles I did not think it was possible!

I hope this sheds some insight on your curent situation and that you may begin to accept that you cannot always meet other's expectations, but you can continue to do well and accomplish your goals!

 

[stillcrazy]

People who criticize you have no business doing so. It does not matter when you graduate as long as you do.

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

Keep your head up! I'll be just finishing up and it'll be my 6th year of college by the time I'm 24...thats just life! Life happens, and fortunately, i've met people who understand that...my campus is a commuter campus so there's not much shame about being a junior and being ___ years old...the way I see it, you're more focused on your work than the younger ones who spend college partying the night away lol...

 

[Daughter of God]

I often feel out of place at school and being in college because of my age. I'm going to be 24 and I'm still finishing school. It's worse yet to see all of these 21 year olds graduating ahead of me with double majors and minors and cumma sum laudes and the sort.

What makes this worse is that my parents are constantly bringing down my self-esteem with this issue. I'm dreading the holidays and spending time with them because I know the question will come up "why haven't you graduated yet?/when are you gonna finish?" UGH!

And then the other day in class...someone asked me what "year" I was so I sorta avoided the question and said that I've got about x number of credits to finish...so they asked me when I graduated from high school and when I said 2002...he laughed and said loudly "you're just like van wilder, gonna be a 7th-year senior too??" I was so mortified I wanted to cry...

I'm not going to college for the "experience" either-- I'm going to get an education so I can get a good job where I can use my degree and eventually go to grad school. I have career goals and ambitions and I resent it when people downplay them as if I'm just taking random classes to stay at school and get wild at frat parties (which I don't). What really rubs it in though if when my parents constantly mention other people's kids and how they're only 20 years old and going to med school or something like that. It feels like a slap in the face, sorta like "oh you're 24 and haven't graduated yet-- shame on you."

I'm starting to feel really insecure about this and it's affecting my schoolwork. I should be happy with myself though because if I keep up my work, my gpa this term will be a 3.7, bringing up my cumulative gpa. I should be happy, but I can't.

Don't be discouraged! I have a few classmates who are over 25 already. They felt a little apprehensive at first...but now they're really enjoying it.

 

[TealTuesday]

I have to reply because I want you to know that I am on a leave from school. I've been juggling life and what my Dad hoped for.A criminal law degree like him but I have chosen forensics. I will be in school until I am in my late 20's. Just get your education,don't worry about age!

 

[dusky_tresses]

*Is your worth, value, and uniqueness based on your achievements, accomplishments, and relationships?

Wow you sure know how to make someone feel acknowledged I've never been asked these questions before and they really made me think. I don't believe my worth is based on achievements necessarily-- but I want to walk away from a situation feeling that I've left it by accomplishing something. Finishing college is really important to me, and what sets me off is when others dismiss me by making light of my true goals to the point where they think I'll never finish. Sometimes it's a light joke which I can brush off but other times it's not.

I have a friend (don't get me wrong he is a good friend, but I need to work on some boundary issues with him) who is really smart, a science student, and will every now and then ask me why I'm taking too long to finish, what's wrong with me, etc.Sometimes I don't want to go into the details over and over and over again with him. I don't know how many times I've told him tidbits here or there and it's as he doesn't really listen or retain it. I dealt with similar struggles myself, self esteem, depression (a doctor tried to get me to go on meds once), family issues, abuse, etc which really have culminated into something that affected me a lot that I'm still working on to this day, but I'm a lot healthier and have more supports from others.

You see though, I could go into all this stuff with him (or anyone else for that matter) but in truth, do they really care? I know that sounds harsh for me to ask, especially regarding friends, but sometimes people don't care. I'm sure he'd think that I was making excuses (because you know being depressed due to abusive parents is an excuse) which is why I don't explain it. But on the flip side, because I don't explain, he perceives as me being lazy the entire time. My fiance took a while to finish college because he struggled academically and with inter/intrapersonal issues so he understands (and is my main means of support) and there was a time where he told me to just tell my friend to "shut the (beep) up you (beep, beep)." Yeah...not gonna take that route, but my fiance wonders why I put up with it, and sometimes I wonder as well.

Then there's the times where I'm invited to a party where I haven't seen anyone in 6 months to a year, and people ask what I've been doing and what I'm up to. And then they sorta give me weird looks about why I'm not done yet, I've even received sighs of disappointment (???), or glazed over, vacant glances.

*How much of my self-esteem am I willing to give away to unfair, rude statements?

Obviously too much (sighs).

*Not everyone graduates at the same time and because you are not in the "norm" that does not say you are any less smart, adequate, capable, worthy, or valuable than the person who graduates at 21.

I know this is going to sound weird...but with Asian people (at least in my own experience), especially kids in college, if you don't graduate by the time you're 22 you're pretty much looked at like a dunce...even though you aren't one. Graduating at age 21 is wonderful, at age 20 spectacular, and 19? You deserve to be worshipped. And if you're in grad school before age 22, you are worshipped.

I guess what happens is my mom will go to the store, someone she knows will run into her and they gab, and then they ask about me, and then the other person gets all disappointed or shocked or something along those lines upon finding out that I'm not graduating yet, and then will say something like "she had so much potential" or "I thought she was smart". In the ethnic community I'm a part of, graduating early is seen as a strong sign of intelligence and dedication. So we all know what that makes me (sarcasm).

I suppose at the same time I shouldn't be listening to my parents or what other say because in a way, with my parents, I'm taking on their insecurities if that makes sense. Like...I was never insecure about taking longer than 4 years until my parents started harrassing me about it. Then I became insecure about it and all the comments others had to say to me started to go deep. But even with that, hearing comments such as "wow you're OLD!!" or "(snorts) you're a lifer"....

It's way more important to get a high GPA than to graduate on time. This, after all, is what graduate schools are looking for.

Interestingly enough, that's what others have told me as well. I guess I'm not hallucinating.

More important than all this, however, is to remember that you are not merely a Christian college student. You're a Christian who happens to be a student. God does not let things happen by accident, but "all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28) for those who love him. It isn't for no purpose that God has decided for you to be in school, but there is in all liklihood some ministry opportunity here.

In a way, I get what you're saying. I've had a Ph.D graduated level student tell me that because I've been in school for this long, I've been able to gain job experience that rivals any recent graduate just starting a full time job. Apparently I guess after graduation that'll make me high-sought for competitive jobs, which is a nice thing to hear.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I think I am one of those people. I will not have my B.A. until I am at least 23, and I face what could be another three years of undergraduate work until I have a B.Ed.

 

[Halos]

I often feel out of place at school and being in college because of my age. I'm going to be 24 and I'm still finishing school. It's worse yet to see all of these 21 year olds graduating ahead of me with double majors and minors and cumma sum laudes and the sort.

What makes this worse is that my parents are constantly bringing down my self-esteem with this issue. I'm dreading the holidays and spending time with them because I know the question will come up "why haven't you graduated yet?/when are you gonna finish?" UGH!

And then the other day in class...someone asked me what "year" I was so I sorta avoided the question and said that I've got about x number of credits to finish...so they asked me when I graduated from high school and when I said 2002...he laughed and said loudly "you're just like van wilder, gonna be a 7th-year senior too??" I was so mortified I wanted to cry...

I'm not going to college for the "experience" either-- I'm going to get an education so I can get a good job where I can use my degree and eventually go to grad school. I have career goals and ambitions and I resent it when people downplay them as if I'm just taking random classes to stay at school and get wild at frat parties (which I don't). What really rubs it in though if when my parents constantly mention other people's kids and how they're only 20 years old and going to med school or something like that. It feels like a slap in the face, sorta like "oh you're 24 and haven't graduated yet-- shame on you."

I'm starting to feel really insecure about this and it's affecting my schoolwork. I should be happy with myself though because if I keep up my work, my gpa this term will be a 3.7, bringing up my cumulative gpa. I should be happy, but I can't.

I'm way older than you and in college.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

. . . I guess what happens is my mom will go to the store, someone she knows will run into her and they gab, and then they ask about me, and then the other person gets all disappointed or shocked or something along those lines upon finding out that I'm not graduating yet, and then will say something like "she had so much potential" or "I thought she was smart". In the ethnic community I'm a part of, graduating early is seen as a strong sign of intelligence and dedication. So we all know what that makes me (sarcasm).

My mother did the same thing or had the same thing happen to her while I was in college. Her best friend's son graduated on time (I took 6 yrs to get my B.A.), and then graduated from law school while I was puttering around trying to decide where to go to grad school (and was working). Her friend made my mother feel badly because I was wasting my life. My mother, in turn, made me feel worthless because she had to hear the bragging from her friend.


Fast forward several years, and I've got my Master's and a law degree, am in practice and pursuing ANOTHER Master's. Masochistic, I know. Be that as it may, I'm working as a lawyer now, having gone to law school in my 40s (and was among the older students in school).

I suppose at the same time I shouldn't be listening to my parents or what other say because in a way, with my parents, I'm taking on their insecurities if that makes sense. Like...I was never insecure about taking longer than 4 years until my parents started harrassing me about it. Then I became insecure about it and all the comments others had to say to me started to go deep. But even with that, hearing comments such as "wow you're OLD!!" or "(snorts) you're a lifer"....

Yes, it does make sense. But please don't let your parent's perceptions of you become YOUR perceptions of yourself. Love your parents, honor them, respect them, but don't let yourself be bound by their expectations of you. You're doing things in your time and in God's time, and doing the best you can. That's all anyone can ask.

And anyone who says those things to you is a boor. I can think of no other polite words for it. Steelerbred33 has given you much to think about, and I hope you do so. Where I'm coming from is as one who's faced many of the same issues as well. Again, I started law school at 40 and am now in practice. It wasn't easy to return, and I heard the snide comments from many people about my age, including comments that I was "stealing a place for someone who deserved to be there," as though I simply called the school and said 'let me in' or had applied and had no credentials worthy of getting in. The comments stung and were hard to shrug off. In the end, I succeeded and graduated.

You will too. Have faith in yourself.

<staff edit per report>

 

[GlennK]

I often feel out of place at school and being in college because of my age. I'm going to be 24 and I'm still finishing school. It's worse yet to see all of these 21 year olds graduating ahead of me with double majors and minors and cumma sum laudes and the sort.

What makes this worse is that my parents are constantly bringing down my self-esteem with this issue. I'm dreading the holidays and spending time with them because I know the question will come up "why haven't you graduated yet?/when are you gonna finish?" UGH!

And then the other day in class...someone asked me what "year" I was so I sorta avoided the question and said that I've got about x number of credits to finish...so they asked me when I graduated from high school and when I said 2002...he laughed and said loudly "you're just like van wilder, gonna be a 7th-year senior too??" I was so mortified I wanted to cry...

I'm not going to college for the "experience" either-- I'm going to get an education so I can get a good job where I can use my degree and eventually go to grad school. I have career goals and ambitions and I resent it when people downplay them as if I'm just taking random classes to stay at school and get wild at frat parties (which I don't). What really rubs it in though if when my parents constantly mention other people's kids and how they're only 20 years old and going to med school or something like that. It feels like a slap in the face, sorta like "oh you're 24 and haven't graduated yet-- shame on you."

I'm starting to feel really insecure about this and it's affecting my schoolwork. I should be happy with myself though because if I keep up my work, my gpa this term will be a 3.7, bringing up my cumulative gpa. I should be happy, but I can't.

You should be confident enough in yourself (body language, talking, smiles, everything) to know that no matter what anyone says you know exactly what you're doing.

Look in the mirror when you wake up in the morning and tell yourself you are confident and know what you are doing, then you will find yourself caring less and less about what others (no matter who) think of you, as you smile broadly.

Stop caring what people think basically.
God put the desire to go to college in you-- not your parents, friends, or classmates.

Have you forgotten who you are? You have to think of yourself as a child of the most high God, a conqueror, and someone who always overcomes. That is our God, and that is who we really are.

Believe me... God isn't up in heaven thinking.. 'when is she going to graduate?'

Trust me, he put the desire to stay in college for so long in you, and not in someone else.

I'm sure He's thinking in heaven, 'wow, what an amazing daughter I have there'

Just because you stay in college a long time doesn't mean you are any less amazing then someone else. If anything, it's more amazing : P

 

[arunma]

In a way, I get what you're saying. I've had a Ph.D graduated level student tell me that because I've been in school for this long, I've been able to gain job experience that rivals any recent graduate just starting a full time job. Apparently I guess after graduation that'll make me high-sought for competitive jobs, which is a nice thing to hear.

Yes, I'm certain that this is true. But at the same time, there may still be a way to serve the Lord right now in a manner that only you can accomplish. For example, I've noticed that most college ministries are geared to the 18-22 age group. There are also ministries to graduate students (I'm part of one such ministry right now). But I suppose that an older non-Christian undergrad might be harder to reach with the Gospel. This might be a task ideally suited to you.

 

[bliz]

I suppose it depends a lot on the college you attend. When I was in college, many of my classmates were were in their 20's, 30's, 40's and older. My husband took college courses for credit in the 1960's, 70's, 80's and graduated in the 90's. Many classmates took time off for family commitments or needed "extra" semesters to take the combination of courses they want. My daughter is in her last term... her college education took 42/3 years and one summer for two associates and a bachelor's degree.

The next time someone ask you why it's taking you "so long", ask them if they think you should drop out.

Remember, no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your approval.

 

[Katie8771]

Dont worry about what all the other people are saying. In some of my classes I have individuals who are in their 40's and I am saying "Way to go" to them. I mean You should feel proud of yourself that you are going to school at getting an education to better your life. Let people say whatever they want to, but I think that its great for you to be finishing up! WAY TO GO!

Katie

 

[dusky_tresses]

My mother did the same thing or had the same thing happen to her while I was in college. Her best friend's son graduated on time (I took 6 yrs to get my B.A.), and then graduated from law school while I was puttering around trying to decide where to go to grad school (and was working). Her friend made my mother feel badly because I was wasting my life. My mother, in turn, made me feel worthless because she had to hear the bragging from her friend.

I'm not really sure if my mom's friends are bragging or being entirely boastful to the point of annoyance-- but say, my mom will go to a store where a lady she knows works and they'll catch up and of course, talk about their kids. The friend is usually the first one to mention how their kid is doing and oftentimes I guess my mom feels like she has to compete, which then makes me feel like I have to compete...and quite honestly, I can't compete with how smart some of the folks at school are.

Yes, it does make sense. But please don't let your parent's perceptions of you become YOUR perceptions of yourself.

It's not just my parents. It's also my fiance's parents...and my relatives...and some of my friends...my fiance took a while to finish school and the entire time his parents rolled their eyes, made heavy sighs, and shook their heads. Every now and then his dad will ask "so, uh when you gonna be done?" and will then nodd as the words go through one ear and out the other. And what makes me feel worse is that my fiance's sibling is younger than I am but will be graduating before me, with a degree that is far more difficult to attain.

I heard the snide comments from many people about my age, including comments that I was "stealing a place for someone who deserved to be there," as though I simply called the school and said 'let me in' or had applied and had no credentials worthy of getting in.

I've had similar things said to me as well. I had to struggle to get admitted into my program, and just the other day a girl, upon finding out I was 23, made an off-handed comment to another girl (they didn't know I was just a couple rows behind them) about how "these old people were taking the places of all the high schoolers who couldn't get admitted."