About An Ex Friend I Want to be friends with again

[ChristsCourage2]

Hello, my fellow Christians, I have a question that needs explaining before I ask it at the end:

I had this friend that always called me evewryday for 2-5 hours a day, 7 days a week, and, he always manipulated me into doing things I did not want to do. This friend is blind. He just manipulated me into listening to certain types of music, which I did not want to do. I feel that he was always annoying, and, I was trying to change him all the time. I was the one that ended the friendship this past Feburary, and, then a few weeks ago, I called him, and, his mom answered, and, whsn she asked who it was, I told her who it was, and, she said that he is not avalibvle to talk to me. That meant that she was bannin g this friend from talking to me ever again. And, then what made me want to reconnect with this one friend was that GOD was tugging on my heartstrings telling me I needed to, and, what I want to know guys is this: shouyld I write this friend a letter again saying that I was wrong letting go of our friendship, and, want to reconnect.? And, should I put a boundry on how long we can talk, even though my mom who I am living with says he cannot have this # ev er again because of what he did in the past? I don't want to do this if some say no, and, giuve their reasons for me not to do this.

PS: please move this thread if it is in the wrong place. Thanks, and, GOD Bless.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

If you believe God wants you to do it, then go for it. I'd let your mother know what you intend to do and why, to avoid any conflict.

 

[Criada]

Sounds as though God is prompting you, so yes, a letter sounds a good idea.
If it's your mom's phone, though, you shouldn't give him the number without oking it with her first.
Praying for you, brother.

 

[Ariel]

First of all, this thread is fine where you started it. This area is called "General Struggles" it sounds to me like this fits.

This is a tough one.

I wouldn't call that friend, or at least not try to call him again. I've had friends like that, people who take everything you have and suck you dry, and then still demand more. This was a toxic relationship, and you are better off ending it and staying away.

Just because a person is handicapped in some way does not mean that they have a right to abuse your friendship. In a healthy relationship boundaries are respected, and a person's opinion and feelings are honored. This doesn't mean that they always agree with you, but this does mean that you are allowed to be a person with your own identity and preferences.

This man was demanding far more of you than he had a right. This was an abusive relationship, stay away.

 

[ChristsCourage2]

Ariel, since I was the one that wanted this friendship to be over with in the first place, it will be over. I know that GOD was wanting me to get back into contact with him, but, after hearing what you had to say, it has made me realize that having friends like that is not the way to go. I had another friend who was like this first friend, and, I have ended it, but, he keeps telling my dad that he wants to hear from me for some reason. What to do, what to do?

 

[Ariel]

CC, I have a blog entry that discusses how to discern what is God and what is not. It may help you.

It's tough sometimes to know if God is talking to you, or if it's something else. I just know this--God is not going to lead you into a relationship that will poison your soul. Saying you are sorry is okay--you probably already said that when you broke it off. But getting into an ongoing relationship which is hurtful to you--how can that be God's will?

As I said, I've had situations in my life like that before. Guilt made me want to go back. I am just thankful I had a husband who could talk sense to me, or I would have gotten trapped again.

Always ask yourself--what is the fruit of this in me? If it is poisonous, how can that be God?

 

[ChristsCourage2]

CC, I have a blog entry that discusses how to discern what is God and what is not. It may help you.

It's tough sometimes to know if God is talking to you, or if it's something else. I just know this--God is not going to lead you into a relationship that will poison your soul. Saying you are sorry is okay--you probably already said that when you broke it off. But getting into an ongoing relationship which is hurtful to you--how can that be God's will?

As I said, I've had situations in my life like that before. Guilt made me want to go back. I am just thankful I had a husband who could talk sense to me, or I would have gotten trapped again.

Always ask yourself--what is the fruit of this in me? If it is poisonous, how can that be God?

I wanted to be friends again because GOD has taught me that I need to not make fun of people, and, just let them be themself. And, since I am the one who broke it off with this sorry for the mean word, jerk, I am not going to be friends with him again. And, I am not going to be friends with this other guy that is exactly like the first friend, and, all I need to know ios how to get this second friend off my back, even after I wrote him a letter about it. He is going to California to get a seeing eye dog, and, I don't know when he will be back. Maybe I will get me one blank tape, and, record my true feelings. I need to be blunt with him about our friendship, and, make him realize that I no longer want to be friends again.

And, then let that be that. Thanks for the blog entry. I read it, and, what you are telloing us is that we need to know that GOD gives us advice with love in it, and, not with the intention that it will hurt us. He wants us to know that we need to have peace of mind when asking for this advice. And, that if it concerns a friendship that has gone awry, then, He is not going to tell us to get back into the friendship.

And, one thing I forgot to mention: I am glad that GOD is there for me to get me through this prediciment, and, help me to know what is peace, and, what is not peace. GOD Bless the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ariel]

I am glad you looked at my blog.

Some thoughts on breaking off a relationship--or continuing to break it off--

Just be gracious. You don't have to get upset, lose your temper, any of that. Be gracious but firm. Something to the effect, "I am sorry, but I just can't do this right now." Or, "I admire you in many ways (if this is true), but right now I need space."

Then don't respond to additional contacts.

Romans 12:18 helps. "If it possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." Just be peaceable. Be kind, but firm. Be at peace--

 

[ChristsCourage2]

This second friend did get a letter that I sent a few months ago where I said that I was ending the friendship, but, he still talks to my dad about what is going on in his life, which I said he could do. And, I just want to end the friendship once, and, for all. And, I want to be blunt with him, and, tell him what i really think about him. I know that is not the way to go, but, he needs to know what is going on, and, why6 I need to break this friendship off. And, that if I visit where he lives, that he is to stay away from me forever, and, ever. I just cannot have these two people in my life anymore. Do you all understand what I am saying?

 

[Ariel]

I understand that you need to end the relationship. This is reasonable.

I don't think that "being blunt" is necessary, though. Don't be unkind. Don't hurt them. Make this about you, not about them. Use words like "I feel" or "I need." Don't do the superlatives "You always" or "You never" or any statement that begins with "You."

You can be gracious, and even treat them honorably. You don't need to tear them down, that's not necessary.

"A gracious woman retains honor," Proverbs 11:16. Be gracious. Treat them honorably, but still firmly withdraw.

 

[ChristsCourage2]

So, what you are saying Ariel is that I need to be nice to them about ending the friendship. And, that I need to make them feel wanted, is that what you are saying? How can I do that when I know for a fact that they have more faults than positive qualities? This is something I really need to think about before diving into recording this tape for him.

 

[Ariel]

Yes, just be nice. Be gracious. No, you do not need to make them feel wanted. You definitely don't want to invite them back!

Yes, I'm sure they have loads of faults. But that is not your problem, and you can't do anything about that anyway except pray for them.

Just be gracious. End it by focusing on what you need, not what they are or aren't. Make it all about you, what's best for you, etc. For example, tell them you need space.

Otherwise, give all of this to the Lord.

If it helps, I teach at my church on Wednesday nights. I taught on forgiveness this past Wednesday, and put my notes in my blog. Maybe something in there applies to your situation.

My point though is just be gracious and give them to the Lord. Forgive and let go. You don't have to be unkind in any way.

 

[ChristsCourage2]

O have decided to be blunt with this friend. I know that it is not like a Christian to do this, but, also it is not like us to lie about the friend to protect their image. They need to hear, and, are going to hear all that I have to say about them, whether they like it or not. I have to do this, and, then I don't know how to tell them to not contact my dad about this. I cannot tell them not to tell a couple people that he knows about this. It is up to him. But, I can tell him to keep it secret. If he chooses to, then that is fine, but, if not, then I cannot do anything about it. Help on how to say not to contact my dad about this. If my dad finds out, then he is going to question why I did this. So, I need to know what to say in the tape toward the end, and, possibly throughouit, so he knows what not to do. Thanks, and, GOD Bless.

 

[Ariel]

If you are brutally honest, then why do you expect them to do anything to please you? Expect the same back.

That is one reason why I am telling you not to do this. It is not your place to to be harsh and tell them the "truth" as you see it. It is unnecessary and harmful.

I strongly urge you not to do this.

Remember that your heavenly Father has given you mercy. Why can't you extend the same? What would it cost you to be kind? Does it mean you have to give up a little bit of pride? Then do it.

"Judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy," James 2:13. Be merciful. Be kind. I have never regretted being kind, but I so much regret one incident where I was "honest," namely, unkind and even brutal.

You are making a tape? Fine. Make it, but don't send it.

 

[ChristsCourage2]

I will be kind to them about this. How do I be kinbd, and, get my point across that I want the friendship over? I am going to send the tape once I get a blank tape, and, make it with the intention of being kind to them. I just want to know how to do that, and, make my point be known. That's all I want to know.

 

[Ariel]

The reason I told you make the tape but don't send it is because in making the tape you may have the catharsis that you seem to need. Of course, you can also get the same catharsis by writing about it in your journal.

Sometimes in the healing process it is necessary to get angry. Yes, recognize what was going on, yes, realize it was wrong and even get angry about it. The Bible says, "be angry but do not sin," Psalm 4:4. So it is okay to get angry--you even have a right to get angry. But do not sin. So you can get mad, say things on a tape, or journal, or even to someone else in a counseling situation. But in the end don't sin--don't send it. Those words could be brutal, unfair and unnecessary.

So pray about this whole situation. Go to the Lord. Realize that when God speaks, it will always be consistent with His character and His Word. Also, there will be a peace about what He tells you to say or do.

To communicate with this person, or any person in a situation like this, the following pattern is often the best:

1. Greet them and say something kind about them;
2. Then say, "However" or "But" and explain the problem. Make the problem about you, not them. For example, say that this isn't right for you, or isn't working for you, or that you need space. Be firm but polite.
3. Then say, "Therefore" (or something like that) and explain what you need.
4. End the communication with something gracious, such as that you pray for God to bless them.


So you might say something like, "So-and-so, I have always admired the way you ________. But I have realized over the last year that my relationship with you is not working. I have changed, and I need space. Therefore, please don't contact me again. I realize you are interested in how I am doing, but please don't ask my father about me anymore. Thank you. I wish you well, and I pray for God to bless you."

Then, once you have decided what you are going to say, remember you need to back it up. If you have asked for no further contact, then refuse all telephone calls, text messages, etc. If you have asked that he not talk to you dad anymore, then tell your dad that you just can't handle contact from that person anymore, and ask him to stop telling you about his contact with that man. Remember you can't tell your dad what to do or not do--you can only ask him to please stop telling you about it. If your dad asks you why, then say something truthful but not brutal. For example, "I just don't think that is a good relationship for me."

Once you have thought all of this through, then send your message. Then prepare to back it up, because your resolve will probably be tested. But remember that if you have prayed about it and have the Lord's peace on what you said, then God will help you stick to it.

I hope this helps. I am praying for you.

 

[ChristsCourage2]

Thanks for all this advice. I am going to write down some points about what I want to say, and, then I am going to feel good about doing this. And, I am going to send this tape with the hope that he understands what I am going to say. And, I will put a small not in there saying that I am no longer going to contact him about this, and, that he have a good life. I will ,really pray about this while I also jot down a few notes about what to say, and, then I will let you know what I said before putting the final product on tape. I know if I say something mean, I am going to regret it, and, that is something I do not want to do, right? RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ariel]

Right. You don't want to say something mean. That would be so unnecessary. Be gracious, be honorable. Let God's kindness shine through you--but still be firm in what you say or do.

If you have God's peace, then you know you are on the right track. James 3:17-18.

Still praying for you!

 

[ChristsCourage2]

Thanks for your prayers, my new found friend. I am glad that you are helping me get through this. I will sometime tomorrow pm you with the stuff I want to say, and, you can help me get this thing wrapped up, and, I can tell my dad not to tell me anything more about this soon to be ex friend of mine.

 

[Ariel]