Abandonment/Rejection

[Aroha]

A couple of years ago I had the equivalent of a nervous breakdown bought on by stress and suffered from repression (where memories in your subconscious come into conscious thought). I had effectively put all the 'bad things' in my life away in a little box - things I couldn't deal with as a kid - and at that point in time it all came out! I was overwhelmed in the negative sense.

Since then through prayer (words of knowledge) I have discovered that the reason for a lot of my suffering was a spirit of abandonment which I received inutero. My mother left my father before I was born and somehow her emotions must have transferred/effected me. Learning this was like a lifeline as I had never had a validation of/reason for the feelings of pain I had felt inside for a lot of my life.

In later life I also received a lot of rejection from my step-father. Mostly in the form of words (ie: not meeting his standards, being blamed for accidental things etc etc). I am intelligent enough to discern a lot of this comes from his background but this doesn't mitigate the effect it had on my life.

So a lot of my focus in the past few years has been working on emotions, attitudes, how I react to things etc. I had a breakthrough when I was prayed for and my minister felt it was like my emotions had been put back into place - like a computer being defragged! Since then the intense pain I used to feel inside is gone. Praise God! In all the consellors, psyciatrists etc I saw everyone said you can't changed feelings but I knew I had to in order to live a free life, and so I would pray saying Jesus no one can go back to the past and put things right for me emotionally or change what happened but you can fix/heal it because you know what I need and you created me and you took all sins intentional or otherwise upon yourself.

My battle now is with the brain and all the negative memories. Overcoming the urge to control my situation/environment as a way of security and instead trusting God, being able to see conflict as a positive and not only a negative, relaxing and not being so intense and serious and concerned that the smallest thing may have eternal effects and most importantly trying to learn to have healthy relationships with others.

God has blessed me with a word of knowledge stating that I will be comletely healed and has spoken to me through his word that the reason I went through this was so that my faith would be proved as genuine and for my (future) children. This is great, in the interim I still battle anxiety, depression & anger, irritable bowel (pschosomatic caused by stress and the sympathetic nervous system!!), but with a lot less severity than they used to be and more intensified during hormonal periods (sorry guys).

Anyhow now you have my life history!! I am just interested if anyone has any similar experience/journey, words of advice. Also I would like to say the bible says "by his wounds we are healed" - I truly believe this and would like to say to people out there who have been told that no you won't ever get better, or this will cure the symptoms but not the cause that "God is not a man that he doth lie ..." It may take time and may be in God's timing not ours but he can and he will.

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Bless you so much for what you shared.

I really am so glad that through Ministry/Word of Knowledge it began to uncover areas Jesus wanted to heal you in and bring freedom. It is an ongoing process.

Firstly I am amazed at what I have just read. I have never shared this with anyone before but I've been praying for a long time for Jesus to deal with issues I've been struggling with since Childhood.

Obviously He needs to get us to a place where we are safe and ready for Him to cleanse our wounds and heal us. Due to my problems I may have made it harder for God to reach me as I got scared off from belonging to any Christian Church. That happened due to unhelpful comments from well-meaning Christians that deeply hurt me, over my having mental health difficulties. Of course I forgave them but I've not had courage since to return to any Fellowship.

My problem was with severe depression for which I was Hospitalised for a very long time. But the diagnosis was later changed to Schizo-Affective Disorder. Which is schizophrenia and depression ( not the Bi-Polar sort).

My past was very similar to yours but I've not received any form of Counselling or sufficient prayer to set me free.

My Mum became pregnant out of wedlock and did everything she could to get rid of me. The marriage lasted two weeks, so for the rest of the pregnancy my father was not around. She was disappointed I was the wrong sex when I was born. She preferred boys. Whether that was the reason she didn't want to care for me I don't know. But all my care needs, such as feeds, changing etc was done by my Grandparents, mainly grandmother, who she returned to.

My Mum began dating and when I was 4yrs I remember being with one of her Boyfriends. She later moved in with this man when I was 7yrs and took me with her with no warning at all. I was deeply upset and horrified. He frightened me and began abusing me when I was 4. At 8 I was so unhappy I wanted to die. I ran away at 12 to my Grandparents and then of course the abuse stopped.
She divorced him when I was 14 because of his violence towards me and her.I got blamed by him at 10 for their relationship probs.

Depression/sadness/self-harm was a norm in my life & still is.

Other trauma followed but I wont mention that here as I feel I've said enough at this point. I don't want to take over your thread!
Reason I mentioned my past is because yours is very similar IT HAS GIVEN ME HOPE JESUS WILL DO THE SAME FOR ME...

So big hugs and thankyou for sharing.PM me if you like.

I have you in my heart and prayers.
Love Gentle-Heart

 

[Aroha]

Dear Gentle Heart
My heart goes out to you because I believe my pain doesn't come any where close to all you have been through. It wasn't easy for me to seek counselling/help and my heart still pounds ten beats to the dozen when I have to do such a simple thing like ask for prayer. I'm afraid God will say I am to blame, I'm afraid what people think of me, I feel vulnerable just to tell anyone anything and it takes such a small thing to make me feel rejected.
I can understand why you withdrew from fellowship. Do remember that other people do not know your hurts and where you come from emotionally - you can't know it unless you've been there : ). Help I didn't know why I felt like I did for 30 years so I can hardly blame others for not knowing. Also remember that God loves you unconditionally, and that fear has to do with punishment - but perfect love (Jesus) drives out all fear. If you can muster the courage try to see a christian counsellor - just a ordinary one (not a psychiatrist or self help person) - perhaps the salvation army? Counsellors can't cure us but it is wonderful to get everything off your chest, let out those emotions you've held inside and because their nuetral not a part of your family etc you don't have to worry as much about what you say.
The first part of my journey happened some time ago and it started with doing the Alpha course. When I went on the alpha weekend someone prayed for me and had a vision of a metal rod through my heart. If you have heard of an alpha course go for it, it is such a non-threatening environment. They just go over the basics of christianity which you probably already know (I did) but it's a great way to get into fellowship in a no pressure say anything environment. If you don't know of any courses contact Holy Trinity Brompton.
Jesus is no respector of persons. He loves you as much as me. He'll do for you what he has done for me. I guess we don't always know why he does things at certain times in our lives or why he allowed things to happen to us. I think of the woman who touched Jesus cloak a lot and I pray Jesus if I just touch your cloak I know I will be healed. I guess being semi-intelligent I soon realised that convential self help methods can keep you functioning and medicine if you take it may keep alleviate symptoms but there was no cure in this so I now seek for my cure from Jesus - "come to me all who are heavy laden", a special verse for me is "I will bear you up with wings of eagles and bring you unto myself". I will pray that Jesus may bring you to himself and heal that part of you to make you whole. Before I went up to get prayer for my emotions I was thinking that Jesus died for all sins, those that have been done to us not just those we have done, so I wanted him to carry my burdens. Made that "Christ died for me" a bit more real!
The times when I got a significant breakthough all happened during prayer from others, and the results that came out blew me away because people had got words of knowledge from God that explained me even though they could no way have know my situation - I was only ever brave enough to say the surface stuff of what I felt. If you have the courage do go to a church and just ask for prayer - don't worry if you don't want to say what for just say something simple like my emotions or I'm having a tuff time.
Sorry too much advice! I have a bad habbit of doing that as I want to cure the world but we can of course only overcome the world through Jesus! I better sign off but I want to say one last thing:
He knit you inside your mothers womb. He knows what happened in your life. He has understanding no one can fathom. He knows your heart and that you want to be healed. He will reveal the truth about who you are - a wholy and dearly loved child of God - and this will set you free. He chose you. He does not lie. He does not make mistakes. Three things remain faith, HOPE, and love.

God Bless
Aroha

 

[Yitzchak]

Sanctification is a process , which is what I consider emotional healing to be a part of. It is the process of your whole being being made whole and restored so that you can be more and more intimate with the Lord. I am glad to hear that you are moving forward in this process.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Aroha...isn't God just so amazing and loving !

Similar experince...oh yeah ! And similar reasons for my suffering as well.

Am putting finishing touches on testimony and will be posting soon.

Manic depressive for 30 years, massive breakdown at age 21, suisidal for 15 years...the list goes on.
Saved for 20, but only in the last 9 years has God started restoration work on me.
And isn't He skilled at it. And during these last 9 years, I knew there was this haze that affected every area of my life so much that I wasn't really living,
but merely like the walking dead.

Last year God revealed what this debilitating haze was...Rejection.
Being rejected by everyone from birth to now and the immense fear of being rejected had entrapped me for most of my life.
..but now...oh now...total freedom.
What a gentle and loving father we have in Heaven !

Scriptures that God had given to show me and help me understand the wretchedness of my old life---

---The story about the man blind from birth and the disciples asked Jesus who sinned for this man to suffer so much.
Jesus said..."No one has sinned but this mans suffering is so God's glory can be manifest in the correct time"

---Romans--Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.

--Luke 4:18-19 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,
to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.

God purposely took 9 years to heal me, for reasons I only understand a little so far, but I know it is so His glory will shine through me.

You and I and others suffered so that we may be beacons of God's love and hope for others who suffer.

Gentle-Heart..just read your post...I am speechless and crying....wait.

How God will heal you is up to Him. He may heal you differently that How He healed me or Aroha,
or any of the other multitude of His children who have suffered similar things.
Why is this so? Because He made you unique and when He begins the process,
He will interact with you in such a way that only you will understand and be touched deeply by.

But the beginning of restoration work is always the same for everyone.
You lay your whole life before God and say from your heart in your own words something like this--

" Father, I trust you completely. I am so messed up inside. I give you full permission to do whatever it takes to heal me and make me whole.
I do not want to live like this anymore. Help me to follow your leading during this restoration work"

This is roughly what I asked God 12 years ago. 3 years later he showed up big time.
It's been an amazing 9 years.
He has led me to books, revealed scripture, comforted me through the pain, and carried me all this time,
and near the end, led me a wonderful Christian counsellor/psychologist.

Allow Him into the very depths of your wounded heart, he is gentle and completely trustworthy, and he will 100% totally gloriously heal EVERY hurt.
Take rest in Him and alllow Him to take care of you, watch for His leading and know that He is ALWAYS by your side.

Keep in close contact with people who are able to share your burden.
Ask God for these people to come into your life. There are some here that God has already called to carry others burdens.

Because of what you have experienced..I gather trust would be hard for you..but as you allow God to begin healing you, trust will increase.
Your trust in Him and for others who are there to help.

 

[Aroha]

God bless carpark & gentleheart ... stay strong

 

[Rafael]

Sometimes, I wonder what the male counterpart of this is, since your posts are familiar to me, but in a different way.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Sometimes, I wonder what the male counterpart of this is, since your posts are familiar to me, but in a different way.

Who's posts raphe.

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Thankyou for all what you people have shared.

I will pray that prayer in your post Alternate Carpark.
It is so good what Jesus has and is doing.

I'll get back to you later - needing to sleep now, past my bedtime!

 

[Rafael]

Who's posts raphe.

Fear of failure and rejection because of it, has been a constant force in my life, and I have always managed to fail. Competition and being left alone for being a loser, is as strong for men or boys as...... It takes a long time to accept one's own levels and to not compare oneself to another person, but that is how I was taught, and it's been a burden that only the Lord could take or understand.

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Alternate Carpark I've just prayed that prayer you posted. So now everything, everything regarding my healing and full wholeness is in the hands of God. Who He chooses to lead me to, what verses He gives me, where I go and what Counsellor I have. I have prayed this sort of thing in the past but part of me was fearful at opening my heart and being able to cope with change inside. Strange how you want to be different, to be set free and yet you feel secure in the way you are, rather than being secure fully in God's love which is the best place of all.
I guess what I am saying is staying the same can seem to be safer than making yourself vulnerable. But that is only for a while, eventually those problems surface and need dealing with. This I beleive is what God is now doing and I'm trusting Him on this one.

Appreciate your prayers so very much,
God bless
Gentle-Heart

PS Aroha how are things? Much peace to you and also to the other poster, raphe. You're all in my heart & prayers.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

There's a story about a bear that was born in captivity.
It was well looked after and it's enclosure at the front was 5 metres long.
Over time, the bear grew up and had this habit of walking from one end of the enclosure to the other end.

It did this daily, it would walk to the end of the enclosure, stop, turn and walk back to the other end. So much that the grass had been trampled away along the front, because the bear kept walking back and forth all day long every day.

The handlers saw this habit over the years and decided to set the bear free, back into the wilderness.
When they arrived at the edge of the wide expansive wilderness and opened the cage door, the bear was very reluctant.
It had been in it's 5 X 5 enclosure all it's life and this new environment was unknown and daunting.

The handlers knew this and patiently encouraged the bear to come out.
Slowly but surely the bear did come out of the cage. It looked out at the vastness of it's new home, the mountains, rivers teeming with fish, trees that went for miles, and the bear slowly began to walk toward the thick forest.

The bear was just about to enter the thick scrub when it stopped and looked back at the handlers, as if to say goodbye, then it turned around and walked back 5 metres, turned and walked 5 metres, turned and walked 5 metres.

This is what we are like when we are first saved. We are free but we still continue in our old ways. Old ways that we have learnt and are secure in.
it takes time to feel secure and roam around in our new environment of expansive freedom.

Restoration.
Our hearts have many rooms in them, and God, in His gentle restoration work, will politely knock on each room and then it is us who has to trust Him and open the door to that room to allow Him in to heal us from the damage associated with that room.

And how good is it Gentle Heart that you know it was fear that stopped you from trusting God.
He knows this and that is why He is so patient and gentle with us.
As you open up rooms for Him , your trust will increase and your fear will decrease.
And to be led by God is the crucial factor in this restoration work, because God knows exactly which room to start in, when to start and how to restore it and how much you can handle.

No matter how great the pain and the abuse suffered, it is never too great for God to repair. It is not a quick process, restoration never is. But when God restores, it IS restored and nothing can damage it ever again.

Restoration of His children's damaged lives is a passion for God, and it hurts Him so much to see us hurting. But he understands our fear and will always gently ask and tend to our wounds with such care, if only we would trust Him.

One word of warning though, restoration work can be quite painful sometimes, but this is pain that leads to healing, much like having to rebreak a bone to set it correctly.

But even in the painful moments of the restoration process, His Holy Spirit is there comforting us. But oh... the glory of God when you experience His healing work, even for the little wounds. How your love and trust in Him grows to such great depths.
To be cared for and attended to by God our Father is a life changing experience and it is something God is wanting to do because of His great love for us.

 

[breezynosacek]

Wow, you guys surprised me! Sometimes, even though I have been healed of the majority of my wounds, I feel like I wish there was someone I could talk to that understood me.

I posted over in the full time ministry forum about how I was called to ministry. That took a lot of courage for me to write. I didn't even go back to the thread for so long thinking some wiseacre would make some crack about what I said.

God wooed me to Him and I was both drawn to Him and fought Him. The idea of the Lord taking anything from me (like I didn't already have enough holes in my soul) scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't understand the concept at the time that if He took my pain and anguish from me it would leave more room for Him.

What I'm going to say next is going to seem pretty funny cause it don't sound right. I learned that I had areas in my life that were so beaten and bruised that they were dead. I needed to grieve the losses. Ezekiel 47 is a good picture of how the Holy Spirit worked in my life and the dead parts v. 11. There are some parts of my life that were so horrible I will never recall them and the Lord doesn't require it. They are dead to me.

Other areas of my life I had to grieve before I could let go of them. The important part was "owning them". I disowned and stayed in denial of most of the things that ever happened to me.

My mother rejected me and didn't once tell me she loved me until I was in my late 20's. I felt like a fool for crying like a baby over it. This is the same woman who tried to kill me when I was little.

My father rejected me and abused me. My stepfather didn't reject me he just abused me.

Then later it seemed like everybody that I loved died. I had all kinds of rejection issues.

It's great to get words of Knowledge and sometimes that's the only thing that will fit.

I started getting into healing from my wounds when I started seeking God as is my life depended on it.

There's a passage in Luke 11:5-8 That taught me to pray. The short of it is that if you bug the Lord long enough He will give you what you need to get you to quit knocking on the door! LOL Read it, that's exactly what it says!

When ole slew foot tried telling me that God might do that for others but He wouldn't do that for me, God gave me another passage. It was also in answer to a question I had kept asking the Lord.

The question was, "In the OT the Holy Spirit was 'upon' people such as Elijah and he did miracles, in the NT the Holy Spirit indwells us. Why then is it that we don't see personal miracles today? IT happened in the NT, why don't we see them today?"

His answer, "Is anyone among you afflicted (ill-treated, suffering evil)? He should pray. Is anyone glad at heart? He should sing praise [to God].
Is anyone among you sick? He should call in the church elders (the spiritual guides). And they should pray over him, anointing him with oil in the Lord's name.
And the prayer [that is] of faith will save him who is sick, and the Lord will restore him; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.
Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in it working].
Elijah was a human being with a nature such as we have [with feelings, affections, and a constitution like ours]; and he prayed earnestly for it not to rain, and no rain fell on the earth for three years and six months.
And [then] he prayed again and the heavens supplied rain and the land produced its crops [as usual]." James 5:13-18 Amplified

When I read that, I litterally started bouncing up and down in the bed like a little kid and my poor husband was asleep!

I was so excited! I had put Luke 11 into practice and God heard me and answered me. It wasn't that God wasn't willing to do miracles or answer prayers or heal people anymore, it was that they didn't pray the way they should. They weren't earnest, and somewhere along the line the churches started teaching a lie of satan that you are supposed to pray once and leave it alone or that it was wrong to pray for your personal needs to be met. No, continue in prayer until you get an answer!!!! Persevere!

The prayer that is of faith will heal him who is sick...I told the Lord, "Well, your word says this and this and this. Now, your word also says that you don't lie and that you don't change and that if I do this and this, then you will answer." I would pray the Word of God back to Him, LOL! I told Him I was gonna be the biggest pest He ever had!

Now, in order for me to pray the Word of God back to Him I sure had to read a lot of it. I asked the Lord to give me a hunger and a thirst for the Word of God. I asked that He send His Holy Spirit to teach me all things concerning His word. HE DID! HE still does. I love it when I open the Word and ask Him to teach me something new and He does it.

Anyway, that's how my healing started.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Well, not with repressed memories. But I have to deal with and overcome all the negative stuff that was instilled in me as a child. I too suffer from depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, well, not with OCD and anxiety as much as I used to praise God. I do take antidepressants now, and they have really helped with the anxiety. But I'm still being healed and set free layer by single layer. I wish it would all happen at once to I can enjoy my life and feel normal like everyone else I know. I too also have problems with socializing, sigh- to compound things I have a melancholy personality which also makes me sensitive and hard to trust people- compounded by all the stuff I experianced. On the other hand, the slow but sure process has really built of my faith, and I have a lot to offer knowledge wise and so forth. I still feel my calling is to be a preacher. The desire of my heart is evangelism, and I'm sure all this will be more to other's benefit in the long run. God Bless you as you go through this healing process!!

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Doesn't it touch your heart when God gives you specific scripture, mine is Luke 4: 18-19.
Once He gave that to me, I began to understand His role as a loving Father, and not just a powerful all knowing God.

It's been 8 years since He started restoring my soul, and it was late last year that He healed the big one that I was searching for during this time.

And as it is written, freely I have received, freely I shall give. Now I see Him calling me little by little to help others..oh He is so wonderful !

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I also have been inspired to pray that the lord will heal me of all that has affected me as a child, I don't think I've ever prayed that specific prayer. Thanks guys, another step in the healing process, and on the road to freedom.

 

[gentle quiet spirit]

I have not gone through or experienced any of the things you have, but I have to applaud you all for your courage and desire to share and help others in simialar situations God Bless you all! There is no pain on earth, that Heaven can't heal!!

 

[Alternate Carpark]

hisbloodformysins...the exact wording of these types of requests do not matter to God.
As long as they are from the heart and as long as we abandon ourselves into His care, our Loving Father will respond.
It's when we stop trying to live the so called 'perfect christian life' and simply say to Him, "I want to live for you and with you but I can't do this, please help "
This kind of prayer is simply saying, "I trust you Father "

God is not impressed or moved by eloquent prayers, He is touched when we share our hearts with Him. And it fills Him with great joy when His children come to Him like that and that He has permission to tend to us.

Remember, He is our Father too, who craves for intimacy with each and every one of us. I think we lose sight of this in our walk as we march on into the battlefield.
But God is saying, "Wait my child, you have severe injuries, you cannot go into battle for me like this, first let me heal you , then I will lead you into battle"

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Awww alternate, your words are so soothing. They just reaffirm my faith, what the lord has been speaking to me. And he used you to do so. You are a refreshment, thank you. God Bless you!

Hisbloodformysins