a year and a half...

[The Gregorian]

So... the wife left me a year and a half ago... still waiting for her to send me back the papers for the dissolution thing... For some reason she's still on my friend's list on myspace (best way to get ahold of her).

So she posted a bulletin that said "what did you do yesterday" And she said "celebrated my 1 year 7 month anniversary"

... trouble is she only left 1 year 6 months ago... last time I talked to her about the subject a little over a year ago, she still swore nothing happened that time she said she was seeing a movie with her brother, but stayed the night at the guy's house... even though that's the day of their anniversary and their engaged now apparently. She's all picking out a wedding dress and I'm still waiting for the papers...

life sucks.

 

[Divinah]

I'm sure it's hard for you having this thrown up in your face now...on myspace bulletin of all things...but that not in your stomach will subside. Past is past...look to your future.

 

[SearcherKris]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It appears that she is rubbing it in your face, too. Did she really have to post that on myspace?

 

[The Gregorian]

that's what I was thinking too... but it's been a year and a half and it's not gone. I'm over her, it's just the mental damage... it's just kind of freaking me out that I've tried and I honestly can't even imagine trusting someone in a relationship again. And if I get the idea that I could, I instantly realize that she's perfectly happy with the guy she left me for... even though he's cheated on her... with other guys... plural.

The fact that she can be so happy with that really just shows how unhappy I must have made her... So 99% of women disgust me because most are completely obsessed with themselves... and the 1% that appear to be honest, and I think could end up being faithful, I know I don't deserve because they'd rather be with someone more exciting. So if I really love someone I should want them to be with someone else, and I can't be with someone I don't really love. Which leaves me with nothing to do when I'm not at work than playing "guild wars" and building stuff out of PVC.

 

[deliciousBass]

I'm really glad my ex isn't my friend on myspace. That's just asking for pain. Find other ways to get ahold of eachother so that she doesn't thrust that crap in your face. I know how it is though man..

My ex IMed me a couple nights ago and her away message was "I'm a bear missing her honey!" and that just bothered me so much because I thought it was so rude for her to IM me when she has that away msg up. I mean, we're divorced now so it doesn't matter but I know how you feel. I remember when I first saw my exes pic of her and her new boyfriend on myspace I was really heart broken. I didn't even go to work.

Anyway, yeah, I've been through similar crap but just know that you will feel better and other women will show interest in you. Believe me hehe. TBH, it sounds like your ex has serious issues. She will regret her mistakes eventually. In the meantime just worry about yourself and finish the business transaction that your divorce should become at this point since it sounds like there's no chance of ya'll reconciling.

 

[SearcherKris]

The fact that she can be so happy with that really just shows how unhappy I must have made her... So 99% of women disgust me because most are completely obsessed with themselves... and the 1% that appear to be honest, and I think could end up being faithful, I know I don't deserve because they'd rather be with someone more exciting. So if I really love someone I should want them to be with someone else, and I can't be with someone I don't really love. Which leaves me with nothing to do when I'm not at work than playing "guild wars" and building stuff out of PVC.

I don't think you are being kind to yourself. Her sin is because she has sin nature, not because of you. Anyone who would choose to live in that type of sinful lifestyle is not someone who could have been loved enough, thrilled enough, or pampered enough to make her want to stay.

She's a cake eater (she likes to have her cake and eat it, too).

And I think your estimate of the amount of good women is too low. You're so young. You've got plenty of time to heal and let God show you the special woman just for you.

Personally, I don't want Mr. Excitement. I'd be very happy with Mr. Steady-Consistant-Faithful.

I think a very good resouce for you is DivorceCare. http://divorcecare.org/

You don't have to be divorced yet to join. It for people who are separated or divorced.

 

[deliciousBass]

I think a very good resouce for you is DivorceCare. http://divorcecare.org/

You don't have to be divorced yet to join. It for people who are separated or divorced.

Yeah, DivorceCare is pretty good. It helped a lot.

 

[Divinah]

I think you’re reading too much into her happiness…probably even overestimating that. AND YES, if she’s knows she gets to you and you leave that portal open to her to jab at your heart. Being a woman, do you know what will rock her world…to see YOU, whom she knows (im assuming) she can run this kind of game on…walk away. THIS is your opportunity to just be oblivious. She may be doing it because things aren’t so Hot with them. Dude, Delete Her! It’ll blow her mind. Whatever communication is necessary, keep it to a necessary minimum…be aloof. Be Strong my brother...that Daddy of ours...he ain't raising no lummies!

Okay, that’s for her benefit.

Now YOU…embrace the ME time you have. Stop looking at your singlness as a bad thing and embrace the gift of singleness as a time to grow into the person GOD wants you to be. Which will include overcoming all the harsh feelings you have toward women and all and lead you to a much more fulfilling place than having woman .

You will be SO Blesseed!

 

[The Gregorian]

No... she knows that portal's closed. The only thing I've talked to her about for the last 9 months or so is "Hey, I talked to my lawyer, here's the papers we need so you can stop using my last name."

And she doesn't think that deeply into it. Her sphere of consciousness goes SLIGHTLY beyond herself... but rarely and not far. When she's not lying to get her way, she's the epitome of self-centeredness.

Deleting her wouldn't "proove" anything, and I certainly wouldn't want to do anything that would jeopardized our distance... I would be very happy never to see her again. I already forgave her for what she did, but I'm still utterly disgusted with her as a person to the extent that I'm utterly disgusted with many people having any trace of such weak traits.

How caring she was before we signed those damn papers, and how emotionally sadistic she was afterwords... if someone shows ANY sign of selfishness, I can't help but assume they'll be at least as bad if I were to involve myself with them... and everyone's a LITTLE selfish now and then. THAT's not a bad thing... but what I assume they'd be is.

... of course, I'm taking it too far... it's not HER that's selfish... it's just her that's selfish when I'm involved. The guy she left me for is very happy with her. They're engaged... Of course he's cheated on her a time or two since then... with a guy... but THEIR relationship was worth putting effort into and she cares about him.

Sooo... if I want a girl to like me, I have to cheat on her and treat her like trash.

 

[Divinah]

See, now I've not dated and I've been out of my marriage for 3 years now. I would love to date...no time. And anyway, the idea of a relationship scares me for the same reasons as you...I don't think I could or would want to deal with/trust another person and all of their idioisms and am just too jaded, nor would I want to bend over backwards to make them happy (for fear of being hurt).

BUT, I have a different perspective on it. For me...

Iis the situation I'm in okay, now? Yes.
Is it just when I think about the future that I panic? Yes.
Also, when I think of my ex having moved on a time or two since and WOW, I haven't even dated anyone seriously

...should that matter? No.

And plus, he's suffered so much in all of his new lives......I don't wish it on him (and that's probably where I'd be if I ran into every opportunity), but in my humanity it sure eases the blow of what he's done to me when he suffers.

Actually, doesn't that (boyfriend cheating with guy) somewhere in your humanity...just allow you to laugh at it and just flood you with inner peace?


I'm sorry, this was intended to end on a brighter note...I do hold out hope and the more things continue to feel wrong with moving on romancewise...I except maybe they are. I embrace my singlness and God is moving me through so many things. One of the things I rejoice about most about my ex and all the horrible things he did to me...is that it doesn't matter anymore...THAT is GOD's Grace. So as I continue to grow and heal I have faith I will connect with someone and you will too.

I think that bulletin just caused alot of stuff to resurface for you but you'll be okay.

 

[SearcherKris]

Sooo... if I want a girl to like me, I have to cheat on her and treat her like trash.

No, no, no.

I think you know better than that. This is just your pain and resentment talking. No one could blame you for feeling that way.

My heart goes out to you. You have been hurt so much.

Seriously you need to get help in overcomming this. You are worth so much more, and there are truely better ladies than that out there.

God will restore your heart and the time that has been spent on a bad relationship. He will redeem the time, and do mighty works in your life.

Uleash your pain and anger infront of Him. Spritually crawl into His lap to cry, scream, and beat on His chest. He can take it, and He wants you to trust Him with your pain. Go to your Father. Let Him heal you, but don't be surprised if it takes some time. It is a process, like grieving over someone's death. It sounds like you may be in the anger stage. This is not a sin to feel this way. It is a process.

Blessings and grace to you! I pray your comfort comes soon.

 

[Divinah]

Just take whatever your feeling, however ugly it is ... especially the ugly and lift it to God. And when that seems impossible, persevere in doing the same. I'm coming from a whole other place NOW. But, If I think back to how hard it was on me in the beginning, I can sympathize a little more. I'm just so blessed to be at THIS place where my ex is concerned.
AND YOU WILL get there!

 

[littlenova]

I cry reading the original posters comments because I'm in such a similar situation only my divorice was finalized today and he too has had a relationship(or 2) But one is another guy that I at one time cared for too.This totally hurts me that people in this world are so mentally and emotionally out of control that they shatter the rest of us. I will never be the same girl. I will not love anyone like this again.I (sick as I sound) hope for another time with him,like remarriage because he's mental and i tell myself i can heal him? I almost accept all this that's how gone i am in my heart. he's hit me like a disease that i cant rid myself of.
take her off your myspace. she's rubbing it in your face. we all deserve better.

 

[Divinah]

I just PM'd Greg and let him know he left us hangin when we were all ready to
GRLPWR HIM
back into action!

​

 

[The Gregorian]

lol, thanks. I was keeping tabs on it... just not really a whole lot for me to add. I'm sure there are other people out there, but I don't already know 'em and I'm stuck in a rut of work all day/come home, rinse, repeat. no real opportunities to try again even if I wanted to.

 

[JohnDB]

Dude,
Be glad in some respects...
You didn't waste and spend 18 years on a woman who didn't love you. Only the idea of you...

You have a long time ahead of you to live... and live well and an abundant life. There is so many things that I would love to do again and again if I was your age...

I might not live to be this age if I were to do it all again...I would live as full and as completely as possibly...not foolishly but fully...

and life is too short to worry about cruel people and how they have hurt us. There is a world of fun out there if you only take advantage of it.

Join a Single's group at church, and join in some of the activities that they have...Go to some contemporary Christian rock concerts...

You would be surprised at a response that a community kitchen night would have on a group of people your age.

Eating alone in your car that nasty fast food can be boring after a while and a home cooked meal that was made by a group of friends and shared together is ten times more wonderful than anything you can imagine.

especially now.

 

[Divinah]

What wonderful advice.
I'll have to go and see how old you are now, John.

I can feel the "too busy" part, Greg. I am trying to disipline myself to at least put myself in positions where I'll meet men.
I'm all about "ladie's groups"...it was good for me to do in the beginning, I'm sure
...but It's time for me to play a little.

And John just made it sound so simple, didn't he?

I'm excited now. ​

 

[The Gregorian]

You didn't waste and spend 18 years on a woman who didn't love you.

Well, I could spend 18 years thinking I'm in love and find out it's a lie... or I can spend 1 year before finding out it's a lie, and spending 18 years alone...

It's not that I'm too upset about "losing the girl"... it's that I put everything into the relationship before that... and I couldn't make her happy... so I put everything into the whole "marriage" idea, and I couldn't make her happy. A few months ago, I forced myself to get it one more shot and I just didn't make her happy at all... I'm depressed about the fact that I realize, I'm just not an exciting guy. I have nothing to offer the opposite sex... so I can be with someone I don't care about, which I couldn't do... or I can be with someone I cared about, and hold them back from being with someone who can make them happy. Whether this fear is realistic or not... it's there, and the fear makes itself real. As long as I think that way, I can't even try if I were to meet someone I thought would be loyal. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy, you know?

Based off repeated emotional abandonment... The longer I stay alone, the more abandoned I feel, the worse the fear is, the more it prevents me from trying again. As much as I don't believe it, my brain knows, I could recover given some emotional support... but until I recover from it, I won't allow myself the emotional support I'd need to recover... making it impossible.

So yea... I have a lot of potential life ahead of me... but I'm really not looking forward to it because it's just going to get worse and worse, and I can't stand it as it is.

Best realistic solution I have left is to hope I'll snap soon, and get thrown into a nut house that'll drug me up so I won't notice time wasting away so I can get this failed life over with.

I know how it sounds from an outside perspective... but all I have left to do is waste time. I can't teach of God's love if I honestly can't even imagine the idea.

 

[GodsChild74]

I truly know what you are going through. I have been there and done that. I went on a very destructive road thinking that it would make it all better. If I were skinnier, if I was more fun, if I drank more, if I partied more, then he would see how exciting I was. It didnt work and it only furthered the pain b/c I had hurt the people I love the most, my children, in the process. So almost two years ago I stoped dating, period. I went back to school to get my AS degree and spent a lot of time with my children. I also focused a lot on me and reflecting on my life. I found that I needed to know who I was before I could commit to another person. While I was on the right path to becoming that person, I still felt alone and empty, I accepted God into my life in Aug of last year and was baptised in Dec. Now it has all come together for me. I know who I am without a partner, I know the woman God is shaping me into. And you know what? I like her. I like, no wait, I love who I am now.
I know you still hurt, It took me almost three years to get over my husband of ten years. But stop being angry. Turn that anger over to God. He deals with it a lot better than we do. Find something for you. For me it was going back to school. For you it might be a hobby or desire you never fulfilled. Either way, take this time that you are alone (Keeping in mind that with God on your side you are never alone) and rediscover who you are NOW. Discover the person you want to be. In time the trust will come, in time you will find peace, in time you will learn that it is okey to be the man of God you are meant to be.
Have faith, my brother, for if God leads us to it, He will see us through it.

P.S. I agree with the others, delete her from your myspace. Tell her it is time for you to heal and you cant do that with her in you space all the time. Email her if you need to get ahold of her. Or have your attorney contact her. As long as she is still an active part of your life you will be unable to move past this and grow.

 

[The Gregorian]

Well, I'm proud of you for being able to do that... you had your children to love... I'd guess at least a little family to be supportive? Maybe no romantic love in your life, but you still had someone to "love the most" which allowed you to heal. That's nice... but I don't have that.

When I was very young, I was supposed to wait up for my mom to come home from work. I didn't call... she ended up staying just a little late, and died because of it. I know it's not "my fault" but that doesn't stop her side of the family from disowning me because they do. Then the other side saw that the first disowned me and figured there must be something wrong... so I haven't spoken to an aunt or uncle in... probably 7 years? The old man's the only who still talks to me and he just uses me as a business partner... of course, this just means he "borrows" money from me promising to pay it back when he gets back into town, and never gets around to it. Certainly isn't a relationship in which I could ask for a hug. .... now that I think about it... last time a relative allowed me to give them a hug... was probably... when I was about 12? I honesly don't even remember.

So imagine your healing process.... minus the whole "I forgot about the ones I loved the most, my children" part.