A tough choice - Your input appreciated

[Serendipitous Waffle]

Ok, a little about me: I'm 41 years old and raised in the U.S. since a very early age (3ish) and grew up there. Had all my "firsts" there. First day of school, first motorcycle, first kiss etc. I am born in Norway though, and beyond a passing memory I had no connection to Norway growing up.

In 2000 I moved back to Norway to go to college, that fell through as I met a woman and got married. We had a child. The mother turned out to be quite physical and verbally abusive and I ended up with full custody. My daughter is now 21 years old.

I have not been able to "live" in Norway, it's like trying to fit a circle through a square hole if that makes sense. I feel out of place, like I do not belong. I've tried so hard to just live my life, however it feels as though I merely exist. My ex-wife and I got a divorce after she cheated on me, this was many years ago but it left me hesitant to pursue any relationships up until five years ago where I met a girl in the U.S. who I absolutely fell in love with. We got engaged, and she comes from a great Christian family which is important to me.

Now the hard part; My daughter doesn't want me to move back, I have offered her to move back with me which was the plan from the beginning but she found a really nice (honestly a nice guy) boyfriend and they're pretty serious so naturally, she doesn't want to leave him behind. So I'm stuck feeling torn, I don't want to leave my daughter here in Norway (we have always been extremely close!) but she's growing up and her dad just isn't as important as I once was which is understandable. But it's not fair for me to just up and abandon my fiance who has been so kind and good to me either. She wouldn't move to Norway as she's got a physical illness that would make living here a little too difficult.

I haven't prayed on this as much as I should have, admittedly. Something I plan on changing. However, I would love to hear your take on this as well. I just feel, if I stay here I'm hurting a very kind and lovely person just so I can exist in proximity to my daughter. But I'm afraid if I move, my daughter and my relationship would diminish. I don't want her to think that my fiance is more important to her or vice versa as they are both equally important in different ways.

Thanks for reading

 

[public hermit]

That's hard, and I hope it works out for the best. One thought is your daughter is probably going to pursue her way whether you stay or go. She's making her life, which is perfectly normal. The other thought is a question: Do you really want to marry this person or is she a reason to return to the US? You said quite a lot about not wanting to stay in Norway, and then you mention you now have a reason to return. That might not mean anything, of course. Any opinion based on one post should be taken with a grain of salt. Only you know. At any rate, there's rarely a good reason to rush anything if you don't have to.

 

[Robban]

Ok, a little about me: I'm 41 years old and raised in the U.S. since a very early age (3ish) and grew up there. Had all my "firsts" there. First day of school, first motorcycle, first kiss etc. I am born in Norway though, and beyond a passing memory I had no connection to Norway growing up.

In 2000 I moved back to Norway to go to college, that fell through as I met a woman and got married. We had a child. The mother turned out to be quite physical and verbally abusive and I ended up with full custody. My daughter is now 21 years old.

I have not been able to "live" in Norway, it's like trying to fit a circle through a square hole if that makes sense. I feel out of place, like I do not belong. I've tried so hard to just live my life, however it feels as though I merely exist. My ex-wife and I got a divorce after she cheated on me, this was many years ago but it left me hesitant to pursue any relationships up until five years ago where I met a girl in the U.S. who I absolutely fell in love with. We got engaged, and she comes from a great Christian family which is important to me.

Now the hard part; My daughter doesn't want me to move back, I have offered her to move back with me which was the plan from the beginning but she found a really nice (honestly a nice guy) boyfriend and they're pretty serious so naturally, she doesn't want to leave him behind. So I'm stuck feeling torn, I don't want to leave my daughter here in Norway (we have always been extremely close!) but she's growing up and her dad just isn't as important as I once was which is understandable. But it's not fair for me to just up and abandon my fiance who has been so kind and good to me either. She wouldn't move to Norway as she's got a physical illness that would make living here a little too difficult.

I haven't prayed on this as much as I should have, admittedly. Something I plan on changing. However, I would love to hear your take on this as well. I just feel, if I stay here I'm hurting a very kind and lovely person just so I can exist in proximity to my daughter. But I'm afraid if I move, my daughter and my relationship would diminish. I don't want her to think that my fiance is more important to her or vice versa as they are both equally important in different ways.

Thanks for reading

Telling you how it was for me to leave Norway will not help you in anyway.

Leaving Horten in my boat I shouted, "I will be back", but the dream has faded.

After I do not know how many years, time goes so fast, now my wife is not my wife anymore my daughter is still my daughter and both would drop everything and run to my help.


This will not help you maybe
but call on the one above, then get out of His way.


I wish you well on your journey.

 

[Serendipitous Waffle]

Horten, huh? I'm literally just a ferry away...

Having grown up in the U.S. it quickly became my home. I've returned quite a few times for a few months each time and every time it's felt right. I get along with the people, I feel like I have a connection. I don't have that here in Norway. Here in Norway, it feels like superficial smiles with strangers I'll never have anything in common with. I've met some great people here who have become close friends, but even then their interests are strictly Norwegian-centric. For example, drinking is a popular past time here. I don't drink. So is partying, I don't really party.

Hasn't been a rush either, been planning this move like playing chess. Started five years ago and have at least another year or so before I move. So plenty of time for things to happen.

I just feel like my daughter is growing up, it's her time to start her life and she will do that with or without me being in Norway. I barely see her as it is besides passing each other in the hallway now. (Very different from what it used to be and it breaks my heart.) So I can only imagine how little I'd see her if she moved out. Should I give up my dreams in order to stay here and meagerly exist? I'm growing older and want a chance of some kind of life before its too late. I don't want to wake up in another 23 years and still not have led any type of life.

I thank you both for your input.

 

[Robban]

Horten, huh? I'm literally just a ferry away...

Having grown up in the U.S. it quickly became my home. I've returned quite a few times for a few months each time and every time it's felt right. I get along with the people, I feel like I have a connection. I don't have that here in Norway. Here in Norway, it feels like superficial smiles with strangers I'll never have anything in common with. I've met some great people here who have become close friends, but even then their interests are strictly Norwegian-centric. For example, drinking is a popular past time here. I don't drink. So is partying, I don't really party.

Hasn't been a rush either, been planning this move like playing chess. Started five years ago and have at least another year or so before I move. So plenty of time for things to happen.

I just feel like my daughter is growing up, it's her time to start her life and she will do that with or without me being in Norway. I barely see her as it is besides passing each other in the hallway now. (Very different from what it used to be and it breaks my heart.) So I can only imagine how little I'd see her if she moved out. Should I give up my dreams in order to stay here and meagerly exist? I'm growing older and want a chance of some kind of life before its too late. I don't want to wake up in another 23 years and still not have led any type of life.

I thank you both for your input.

Freedom does not come easy but you are on the right track,

putting others before yourself is true freedom.

 

[Diamond7]

The mother turned out to be quite physical and verbally abusive

The cycle of abuse and passion is a common pattern often observed in toxic or abusive relationships. This cycle describes a repetitive pattern of behavior that includes periods of intense affection, passion, or reconciliation (often referred to as the "honeymoon" phase) followed by periods of abusive or harmful behavior. The cycle then repeats itself, creating a pattern of highs and lows in the relationship.

 

[essentialsaltes]

You and your daughter are both adults. While you may miss her (and she you) and see her less frequently in person if you're physically separated, in no way would you be abandoning her.

'she's growing up and her dad just isn't as important as I once was which is understandable'

I'm certainly not going to say she doesn't need you any more, but it's true you've gotten her successfully to adulthood, and she's starting to lead her own life. And you are also free to lead your own life.

There doesn't seem to be a perfect 'everybody wins' solution here, but I think you and your daughter can both follow your hearts and this would be the best outcome of the possibilities that are in front of you.

 

[returntosender]

Horten, huh? I'm literally just a ferry away...

Having grown up in the U.S. it quickly became my home. I've returned quite a few times for a few months each time and every time it's felt right. I get along with the people, I feel like I have a connection. I don't have that here in Norway. Here in Norway, it feels like superficial smiles with strangers I'll never have anything in common with. I've met some great people here who have become close friends, but even then their interests are strictly Norwegian-centric. For example, drinking is a popular past time here. I don't drink. So is partying, I don't really party.

Hasn't been a rush either, been planning this move like playing chess. Started five years ago and have at least another year or so before I move. So plenty of time for things to happen.

I just feel like my daughter is growing up, it's her time to start her life and she will do that with or without me being in Norway. I barely see her as it is besides passing each other in the hallway now. (Very different from what it used to be and it breaks my heart.) So I can only imagine how little I'd see her if she moved out. Should I give up my dreams in order to stay here and meagerly exist? I'm growing older and want a chance of some kind of life before its too late. I don't want to wake up in another 23 years and still not have led any type of life.

I thank you both for your input.

You're both adults, go your own way. There's phones and ways to visit.