I think some people might have a misconception about boundaries. A few years ago, I wrote a short summary for another discussion forum in the context of a certain thread. I am not copying and pasting the whole thing because of context; rather, I am using chunks of those paragraphs and rearranging some of the information so it's more stand-alone.
Boundaries are about recognizing what you are responsible for and to, and what others are responsible for and to. Boundaries is knowing the extent and type of each responsibility, no matter which side of the boundary you are on. Boundaries is knowing who you are, and where you end, and where others begin.
Lack of boundaries is closely associated with relationship issues such as codependency and enabling people to remain in unacceptable behaviours. Lack of boundaries also leads people to blame others for things they should be taking responsibility for.
There are several biblical principles at work in boundaries. First it's in loving others as you love yourself. Second, it's in the Golden Rule. And the third principle is in becoming one. With these three principles in mind, consider what boundaries really are. There is another principle that can be gleaned from various scripture verses that add up to say we need to let the good in and keep the bad out; namely, we think on things that are right, good, lovely, etc, and we fight against the powers of darkness. In these ways, boundaries are biblical.
Someone without a clear sense of boundaries is not loving him or herself because they would allow (and give) abusive or harmful behaviours and patterns such as manipulation, emotional disconnect, etc....they absolve themselves, making themselves not responsible for their role in relationships or the consequences their actions have on the other person. A person with a sense of responsibility to and responsibility for is a person who loves themselves, and therefore capable of loving others. People with unclear boundaries also have an unclear sense of self - that is, where self ends and others begin. This sets a person up for enmeshed relationships and unrealistic expectations on the other person, as they will refuse responsibility and put it onto the other person (blame).
Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote the book Boundaries. There are a number of ways they describe this refusal of responsibility:
First there is the compliant person, who says yes to everything even at great cost to themselves. These people end up exhausted and overtaxed...and resentful. Then there are the avoidants who say no to the good. They can't recognize their own needs and ask for help in meeting them. They end up resentful because their own needs are not met, even though they did not take the responsibility to ask for help in meeting them. There is the non-responsive person, who refuses to hear the boundaries of others. After all, hearing them will make them responsible to respect them, and they don't want to have that kind of responsibility. They are also resentful after time because the person setting the boundary will continue to speak or otherwise attempt to enforce the boundary, and if it's not respected, they might go elsewhere to have their needs met. Finally, there is the controller, who refuses to hear and accept the other's boundaries, and then manipulate and push the other to change their boundary. These are the people who can't take responsibility for their own lives, and attempt to manipulate the compliant person.
Now of course comes the question of marriage, and how for the Christian marriage, God joins them and the two "become one" which might indicate to some that there are no boundaries between the two. Personally, I want my partner to have enough self respect that he will not allow anyone to mistreat him. When he has self respect, he is able to respect others. There still needs to be boundaries, but the definition of those boundaries changes because the "responsibility to and for" changes. A couple is now responsible to each other...that is, they are responsible to connect, to share their lives, feelings, faith, activities, etc. They are responsible for their behaviour in the relationship, to accommodate that person in their lives. But they are also responsible to respect each other and treat one another with the love and dignity they have for themselves.
Boundaries is about love and responsibility. The Bible preaches it in the golden rule. We are responsible to love one another, to say no to destructive behaviours, to say yes to helpful behaviours, to give in meeting the needs of others and to putting limits on sin. Boundaries are empowering to others, and they require respect of self and others. Boundaries are socially necessary, no matter what kind of relationship it is, but they are mostly necessary in close, loving relationships. I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They do an excellent job of explaining boundaries.
PS....the "joy" I find in others setting boundaries is knowing that they have enough love and respect toward them to take care of themselves, which makes it easier to love and respect and care for others. I also find joy in knowing that I am only responsible for and to certain things, and others are also responsible for and to certain things. That way, my husband doesnt dump all the responsibility onto me, nor will he take all the responsibility for others and thereby burnout and become resentful. Boundaries are about self care....and I find joy in knowing that people engage in caring for themselves.
Boundaries are about recognizing what you are responsible for and to, and what others are responsible for and to. Boundaries is knowing the extent and type of each responsibility, no matter which side of the boundary you are on. Boundaries is knowing who you are, and where you end, and where others begin.
Lack of boundaries is closely associated with relationship issues such as codependency and enabling people to remain in unacceptable behaviours. Lack of boundaries also leads people to blame others for things they should be taking responsibility for.
There are several biblical principles at work in boundaries. First it's in loving others as you love yourself. Second, it's in the Golden Rule. And the third principle is in becoming one. With these three principles in mind, consider what boundaries really are. There is another principle that can be gleaned from various scripture verses that add up to say we need to let the good in and keep the bad out; namely, we think on things that are right, good, lovely, etc, and we fight against the powers of darkness. In these ways, boundaries are biblical.
Someone without a clear sense of boundaries is not loving him or herself because they would allow (and give) abusive or harmful behaviours and patterns such as manipulation, emotional disconnect, etc....they absolve themselves, making themselves not responsible for their role in relationships or the consequences their actions have on the other person. A person with a sense of responsibility to and responsibility for is a person who loves themselves, and therefore capable of loving others. People with unclear boundaries also have an unclear sense of self - that is, where self ends and others begin. This sets a person up for enmeshed relationships and unrealistic expectations on the other person, as they will refuse responsibility and put it onto the other person (blame).
Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote the book Boundaries. There are a number of ways they describe this refusal of responsibility:
First there is the compliant person, who says yes to everything even at great cost to themselves. These people end up exhausted and overtaxed...and resentful. Then there are the avoidants who say no to the good. They can't recognize their own needs and ask for help in meeting them. They end up resentful because their own needs are not met, even though they did not take the responsibility to ask for help in meeting them. There is the non-responsive person, who refuses to hear the boundaries of others. After all, hearing them will make them responsible to respect them, and they don't want to have that kind of responsibility. They are also resentful after time because the person setting the boundary will continue to speak or otherwise attempt to enforce the boundary, and if it's not respected, they might go elsewhere to have their needs met. Finally, there is the controller, who refuses to hear and accept the other's boundaries, and then manipulate and push the other to change their boundary. These are the people who can't take responsibility for their own lives, and attempt to manipulate the compliant person.
Now of course comes the question of marriage, and how for the Christian marriage, God joins them and the two "become one" which might indicate to some that there are no boundaries between the two. Personally, I want my partner to have enough self respect that he will not allow anyone to mistreat him. When he has self respect, he is able to respect others. There still needs to be boundaries, but the definition of those boundaries changes because the "responsibility to and for" changes. A couple is now responsible to each other...that is, they are responsible to connect, to share their lives, feelings, faith, activities, etc. They are responsible for their behaviour in the relationship, to accommodate that person in their lives. But they are also responsible to respect each other and treat one another with the love and dignity they have for themselves.
Boundaries is about love and responsibility. The Bible preaches it in the golden rule. We are responsible to love one another, to say no to destructive behaviours, to say yes to helpful behaviours, to give in meeting the needs of others and to putting limits on sin. Boundaries are empowering to others, and they require respect of self and others. Boundaries are socially necessary, no matter what kind of relationship it is, but they are mostly necessary in close, loving relationships. I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They do an excellent job of explaining boundaries.
PS....the "joy" I find in others setting boundaries is knowing that they have enough love and respect toward them to take care of themselves, which makes it easier to love and respect and care for others. I also find joy in knowing that I am only responsible for and to certain things, and others are also responsible for and to certain things. That way, my husband doesnt dump all the responsibility onto me, nor will he take all the responsibility for others and thereby burnout and become resentful. Boundaries are about self care....and I find joy in knowing that people engage in caring for themselves.
