Many of you know me, perhaps, from the theology and society forums... and a few times I have referenced having dealt with homosexuality. I would like to share my story with you so that you may be inspired. It is about two days in the making, and it is a bit long. I think it might be worth your while if you are here in this particular forum.
First of all, I would like to state my position on Same Sex Attractions (SSA) and definitions so as to avoid confusion. Homosexuality, both the 'lifestyle' (sexual acts) and acting on the attractions I believe are wrong, by what Paul has told in Romans 1. Attractions being the mere thought 'such and such is a good looking person'. It is a preference and nothing more, like preferring the color green. I do not believe the attraction itself is sinful just as heterosexual attraction is not sinful, just as a preference for lobster over chicken is not sinful. Using the food analogy, it would be sinful to start drooling over the lobster and craving to eat it- acting on temptation, that is- however, the mere temptation is not sinful. I do not see why it would be.
I have struggled with SSA's, since I was 12. There were signs of something being different even before then. From about 4-10, I'd ask to see other boy's privates... and I liked being around boys but didn't really fit in. It's not something I bandy about because many, many Christians do not understand this subject
. I find this unfortunate... it is a real issue where real people really struggle.
With all due respect to prayer ministries and ex-gay ministries and anyone with beliefs about homosexuality being from demons, I strongly disagree with their message. I disagree because of what I have personally been through, and because of the implications: that people should not be content with the trials, blessings, and personality God has given us. It is similar to the message many young ladies get- that they are not ever beautiful enough. That message is a lie and is horribly destructive.
Back to the story, though. When I was 12, my grandpa died, and as we were going through his things I found a pornographic magazine intended for women. This piqued my curiosity... and not in a good way. When we got home from that trip, I would seek such pictures out so I could satisfy said curiosity. This seeking continued until I was 15 and became a Christian. Then, I did not know my sexuality very well. I thought I had outgrown whatever it was that had been a part of me.
This blissful ignorance continued until I heard the topic of sexual sin covered at my youth group. I was about 17 at that time. I was taught that masturbation, lust, and premarital sex were all equally sinful. Lust, of course, being the mere desire of sex.
Around this same time, I began getting involved at my church, working with kids. Somehow being around kids unlocked emotions that I did not realize I had. I found myself getting angry with negligent parents, or what I perceived as negligent parents. I realized I did not have much respect for my parents... and then I dug deeper and figured out why.
Christians sometimes claim that it is an emotionally distant father and/or an emotionally overbearing mother that can 'cause' homosexual feelings in boys (switched for girls, apparently- emotionally distant mother, emotionally overbearing father). For me, this was true. However, I do not believe it was the main cause of the issue. If you remember, I was curious about male genitalia from the age of four.
I am unsure what caused it, and that bothered me for quite some time. I have made a casual connection between my late grandfather's pornographic material and a possible same sex attraction on his part and concluded that it is possible that I was abused (also plausible because of family history). I am not willing to pursue that line of thought because of the ramifications.
I eventually concluded that I did not have any male role models that helped me deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and because of that they bottled up and manifested themselves in other ways.
I am now comfortable in having same sex attractions (again, the preference and temptation). It is not something I will act on, ever, and I believe it is wrong to do so. I am at a point where I have enough barriers in place to prevent me from sinning. I believe that posting this clearly demonstrates my resolve to not be overcome. If anything moves beyond temptation it is wrong, period. I have fought hard to overcome what I previously considered a disease and have concluded that it is not worth the extra spent emotion that could be better used in other places. God has a plan in this struggle, and I am going to ensure that God uses my experiences to help other people.
One of the last things I struggled with is sharing my thoughts with others. I am very careful with who I tell among my friends because of the ramifications. I also struggled with how God views me, and I have come to realize that God loves me just the way I am. God doesn't need me to change what I cannot to be able to serve Him. All I need is to be a willing instrument of God's love.
Currently, I have a girlfriend by the name of Catherine. She is an amazing woman. I am not at a point at which I would feel comfortable sharing with her my struggle, but sometime soon I will share with her what my childhood was like and why I am different. I probably will not have the heart to tell her in person, mostly out of fear. I don't want her to think less of me because I have had to deal with this. It's not something I asked for, it's not something I've chosen.
Even despite my hardest efforts to make it clear that I'm comfortable with who I am and what makes me... me, I still get people that shy away from the issue. I do not believe that this is okay. If you are reading this and you offer advice to people who struggle with this, do not shy away as many do. Show the love of Christ, for it is those such as me who need it the most.
I want to encourage anyone who has dealt with this issue to never shy away from sharing your story, even despite these hardships. Never shy away from talking about it with someone who can guide you and lead you. I have had a few mentors and accountability partners, and every one of them has helped me. There are many, many resources available to you. There are a number of books that I would recommend, as well as other resources.
I hope this has blessed you as much as the journey through this has blessed me.
First of all, I would like to state my position on Same Sex Attractions (SSA) and definitions so as to avoid confusion. Homosexuality, both the 'lifestyle' (sexual acts) and acting on the attractions I believe are wrong, by what Paul has told in Romans 1. Attractions being the mere thought 'such and such is a good looking person'. It is a preference and nothing more, like preferring the color green. I do not believe the attraction itself is sinful just as heterosexual attraction is not sinful, just as a preference for lobster over chicken is not sinful. Using the food analogy, it would be sinful to start drooling over the lobster and craving to eat it- acting on temptation, that is- however, the mere temptation is not sinful. I do not see why it would be.
I have struggled with SSA's, since I was 12. There were signs of something being different even before then. From about 4-10, I'd ask to see other boy's privates... and I liked being around boys but didn't really fit in. It's not something I bandy about because many, many Christians do not understand this subject
With all due respect to prayer ministries and ex-gay ministries and anyone with beliefs about homosexuality being from demons, I strongly disagree with their message. I disagree because of what I have personally been through, and because of the implications: that people should not be content with the trials, blessings, and personality God has given us. It is similar to the message many young ladies get- that they are not ever beautiful enough. That message is a lie and is horribly destructive.
Back to the story, though. When I was 12, my grandpa died, and as we were going through his things I found a pornographic magazine intended for women. This piqued my curiosity... and not in a good way. When we got home from that trip, I would seek such pictures out so I could satisfy said curiosity. This seeking continued until I was 15 and became a Christian. Then, I did not know my sexuality very well. I thought I had outgrown whatever it was that had been a part of me.
This blissful ignorance continued until I heard the topic of sexual sin covered at my youth group. I was about 17 at that time. I was taught that masturbation, lust, and premarital sex were all equally sinful. Lust, of course, being the mere desire of sex.
Around this same time, I began getting involved at my church, working with kids. Somehow being around kids unlocked emotions that I did not realize I had. I found myself getting angry with negligent parents, or what I perceived as negligent parents. I realized I did not have much respect for my parents... and then I dug deeper and figured out why.
Christians sometimes claim that it is an emotionally distant father and/or an emotionally overbearing mother that can 'cause' homosexual feelings in boys (switched for girls, apparently- emotionally distant mother, emotionally overbearing father). For me, this was true. However, I do not believe it was the main cause of the issue. If you remember, I was curious about male genitalia from the age of four.
I am unsure what caused it, and that bothered me for quite some time. I have made a casual connection between my late grandfather's pornographic material and a possible same sex attraction on his part and concluded that it is possible that I was abused (also plausible because of family history). I am not willing to pursue that line of thought because of the ramifications.
I eventually concluded that I did not have any male role models that helped me deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and because of that they bottled up and manifested themselves in other ways.
I am now comfortable in having same sex attractions (again, the preference and temptation). It is not something I will act on, ever, and I believe it is wrong to do so. I am at a point where I have enough barriers in place to prevent me from sinning. I believe that posting this clearly demonstrates my resolve to not be overcome. If anything moves beyond temptation it is wrong, period. I have fought hard to overcome what I previously considered a disease and have concluded that it is not worth the extra spent emotion that could be better used in other places. God has a plan in this struggle, and I am going to ensure that God uses my experiences to help other people.
One of the last things I struggled with is sharing my thoughts with others. I am very careful with who I tell among my friends because of the ramifications. I also struggled with how God views me, and I have come to realize that God loves me just the way I am. God doesn't need me to change what I cannot to be able to serve Him. All I need is to be a willing instrument of God's love.
Currently, I have a girlfriend by the name of Catherine. She is an amazing woman. I am not at a point at which I would feel comfortable sharing with her my struggle, but sometime soon I will share with her what my childhood was like and why I am different. I probably will not have the heart to tell her in person, mostly out of fear. I don't want her to think less of me because I have had to deal with this. It's not something I asked for, it's not something I've chosen.
Even despite my hardest efforts to make it clear that I'm comfortable with who I am and what makes me... me, I still get people that shy away from the issue. I do not believe that this is okay. If you are reading this and you offer advice to people who struggle with this, do not shy away as many do. Show the love of Christ, for it is those such as me who need it the most.
I want to encourage anyone who has dealt with this issue to never shy away from sharing your story, even despite these hardships. Never shy away from talking about it with someone who can guide you and lead you. I have had a few mentors and accountability partners, and every one of them has helped me. There are many, many resources available to you. There are a number of books that I would recommend, as well as other resources.
I hope this has blessed you as much as the journey through this has blessed me.
