I had a conversation today, and thought I would post this here. First off I do not condone spouses who cheat, there other and better ways to solve your problems. I have had an ex gf cheat on me, and I know the pain it causes, and can only imagine when a spouse does it. I sometimes think I am alone when I don't villainize them though. I dont regard them as bad people, or even always completly at fault. Let me explain.
An old co-worker caught his ex-wife with another man, this rocked him to his very core. He used to "dictate" for me to type notes to his ex-wife for him until I got tired of doing it. I thought at first he was just venting, then I found out later he was sending this stuff I typed for him to her. He asked me as a friend what I thought of the situation, I had to be honest.
In many ways he pushed her into it, Im not saying she was right, but he is guilty as well. I remember she used to call and ask him if he wanted to go to the movies, go out to dinner, do something with her and their daughter, and the man would explode and lay into her like she was a dog. After a while she started calling me and ask me what kind of mood he was in before she would talk to him. I reminded him of this, and I told him she was probably right when she said she was looking for comfort, she certainly wasnt getting any from him. I watched that marriage turn from one of those lovey dovey unions to world war III in a matter of months.
Was she wrong? Yes, its never right to cheat. Can I understand her reasoning? Absolutley. She is only a human being, living in a modern world where we are constantly hearing we should always be happy, and sex is everywhere. It is difficult to always suppress the desires of the flesh, and if your in the wrong place at the wrong time, you can make a horrible mistake.
After the two of us talked, they started to work it out, but he ended up talking to one of those aggressive church going Bible thumpers, who in spite of the good book telling us to forgive and forget, convinced him to stay with her was against Gods will and she broke the covenant in Gods eyes and to remain with her and take her to bed would be fornication in the Lords eyes. Thus the marriage was dissolved. Those were the words I think he was wanting to hear all along, the hurt was still too strong and it didnt take much to reopen those old wounds.
Another case I know of came from someone I met on another chat forum. She caught her husband with her bestfriend, and divorced him in a hurry. She was trying to stick it to him good to by keeping him from seeing their daughters.
What made this case so awful was she was, IMHO, as much to blame as he was. She admitted that they hadn't had maritals in 9 months, and felt it was a poor excuse (which it is) for him to cheat. However her reasoning behind, she was too busy between work and being a mommy to have sex with him. I was darn well near castrated when I mentioned I believed it was as much her fault as his. She had time to post over 2000 posts on a website, but couldnt find the time to go to bed with her husband in 9 months? Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong? I always thought marriage was compromise. I feel (I could be wrong) that if she had made time, once a week or once a month between her and him to fool around, then he might not have gone after her best friend.
Of course she was all too ready to be a victim, and completly unready to accept her responsibility in the divorce. Her girlfriends felt the same as she did and thought I was just as bad as her husband. I never said what he did was right, just she should accept her responsibility in it, and that she was horribly wrong for trying to prevent him from seeing their daughters because of it.
Again I am NOT saying cheating is acceptable or right, just there are two sides to every story and sometimes sitting down and listening to the "guilty" parties story can help us better understand ourselves, our partners (when we get them
) and the world around us.
An old co-worker caught his ex-wife with another man, this rocked him to his very core. He used to "dictate" for me to type notes to his ex-wife for him until I got tired of doing it. I thought at first he was just venting, then I found out later he was sending this stuff I typed for him to her. He asked me as a friend what I thought of the situation, I had to be honest.
In many ways he pushed her into it, Im not saying she was right, but he is guilty as well. I remember she used to call and ask him if he wanted to go to the movies, go out to dinner, do something with her and their daughter, and the man would explode and lay into her like she was a dog. After a while she started calling me and ask me what kind of mood he was in before she would talk to him. I reminded him of this, and I told him she was probably right when she said she was looking for comfort, she certainly wasnt getting any from him. I watched that marriage turn from one of those lovey dovey unions to world war III in a matter of months.
Was she wrong? Yes, its never right to cheat. Can I understand her reasoning? Absolutley. She is only a human being, living in a modern world where we are constantly hearing we should always be happy, and sex is everywhere. It is difficult to always suppress the desires of the flesh, and if your in the wrong place at the wrong time, you can make a horrible mistake.
After the two of us talked, they started to work it out, but he ended up talking to one of those aggressive church going Bible thumpers, who in spite of the good book telling us to forgive and forget, convinced him to stay with her was against Gods will and she broke the covenant in Gods eyes and to remain with her and take her to bed would be fornication in the Lords eyes. Thus the marriage was dissolved. Those were the words I think he was wanting to hear all along, the hurt was still too strong and it didnt take much to reopen those old wounds.
Another case I know of came from someone I met on another chat forum. She caught her husband with her bestfriend, and divorced him in a hurry. She was trying to stick it to him good to by keeping him from seeing their daughters.
What made this case so awful was she was, IMHO, as much to blame as he was. She admitted that they hadn't had maritals in 9 months, and felt it was a poor excuse (which it is) for him to cheat. However her reasoning behind, she was too busy between work and being a mommy to have sex with him. I was darn well near castrated when I mentioned I believed it was as much her fault as his. She had time to post over 2000 posts on a website, but couldnt find the time to go to bed with her husband in 9 months? Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong? I always thought marriage was compromise. I feel (I could be wrong) that if she had made time, once a week or once a month between her and him to fool around, then he might not have gone after her best friend.
Of course she was all too ready to be a victim, and completly unready to accept her responsibility in the divorce. Her girlfriends felt the same as she did and thought I was just as bad as her husband. I never said what he did was right, just she should accept her responsibility in it, and that she was horribly wrong for trying to prevent him from seeing their daughters because of it.
Again I am NOT saying cheating is acceptable or right, just there are two sides to every story and sometimes sitting down and listening to the "guilty" parties story can help us better understand ourselves, our partners (when we get them
) and the world around us.
