- Aug 22, 2017
- 136
- 111
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- United States
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- Christian
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- Single
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- US-Republican
I'm staying up way too late thinking about this, so I'm going to skip the formalities and get to the point as quick as I can:
When I was a teenager, I was not good with girls (Trust me, this is the only place I could viably start this from without making this a novel). I wasn't hopeless or anything, I could talk to them, but there were almost always significant cultural differences in the way, on top of the fact that I don't develop relationships with people who can't dig deep into any topic we happen to be discussing, and the prettiest teenage girls (which naturally, are the ones I wanted), I quickly discovered, are almost always the most useless group of people on the planet when you try to talk to them about anything other than themselves.
Luckily, after an initial hyper-sexual period from 13-15, my libido settled down to a pretty low place. Like, I may be in the mood once a month. Suffices to say sexual temptation has never been much of a factor for me. However, about half a year ago now, after being separated from most of my family for about a year, I saw my baby sister, and I had a great time with her on a two week beach trip. This helped me beat final struggle with the nihilism of my teenage years. However, this sudden change opened a whole can of worms that I couldn't have comprehended a few months ago...
I never really knew my father. I have vague memories of him, and I know of his lacking character from everyone else, but I don't have any contact with him, and I have no mechanism or desire to contact him at my convenience. When I was lifted out of my depression, I thought "What if he had more kids?" For some reason, the thought never even crossed my mind prior, that I could have brothers or sisters I know nothing about. I know he's been with plenty of women, and that he'd never stick around even if he had impregnated someone, so I'd never be able to learn anything if I had contacted him.
Knowing this for near certain, I gave up on the idea and accepted the painful truth that I'll always have an ever-burning, painful hole where these answers should be. I tried not to dwell on it for a while, but one day a few weeks later, another switched kicked on in my head. I asked myself "Do I want to have kids?". It wasn't a foreign question to me, I've always thought about the prospect, but ultimately, I'd never had enough interest to warrant serious considerations. To my surprise, when I asked this question of myself again recently, everything in my being screamed at me "Of course! How could you go on living without kids?!" (Not in so many words, the response was actually more of a very painful, burning sensation in my chest. The exact same longing that struck me when contemplating my possible siblings.)
Baby rabies is normally something that happens to women who've wasted their youth, not 18 year old boys, especially one that, by most accounts, has never thought much about the prospect to begin with. It strikes me as strange that since then, I can't go an hour without thinking about having kids. This constant aching in my heart won't cease even while I'm asleep. I'm sure there's some psychological reason for this, but I don't have the access to counseling I'd need to find out, and I wouldn't want this desire gone even if
Finally For the Love of all that is Holy! The Actual Conundrum:
Long-winded as I am, I do have an actual point to get to. All of these things on their own would make for nothing more than a disorganized autobiography. However, two key points here conflict in quite a troubling way. If you've read through, you've probably guessed already; My libido is as low as ever. As much a desire as I have for having children, I have little interest in actively pursuing women. My low drive, combined with pre-existing social anxiety creates such a combination in me that I doubt I could successfully court or date anyone no if I tried. I'd end up putting on a show for a few weeks at most, and it'd be over as soon as I ran out of energy.
As boring as all this may sound, it's a genuine crisis for me. I know for a fact that I cannot go on living in any worthwhile capacity until this is resolved. A Biblical answer would be great! An answer from anyone's personal experience would be just as great, perhaps even better, given the uniqueness of the situation. Either way, I needed to get this out, I don't have anyone I can talk to and I feel that I'll explode if I don't find some resolution to this.
Thank you.
(Edit: Somehow or another, part of a sentence on paragraph 3 got cut off when I first posted this. It should make more sense now.)
When I was a teenager, I was not good with girls (Trust me, this is the only place I could viably start this from without making this a novel). I wasn't hopeless or anything, I could talk to them, but there were almost always significant cultural differences in the way, on top of the fact that I don't develop relationships with people who can't dig deep into any topic we happen to be discussing, and the prettiest teenage girls (which naturally, are the ones I wanted), I quickly discovered, are almost always the most useless group of people on the planet when you try to talk to them about anything other than themselves.
Luckily, after an initial hyper-sexual period from 13-15, my libido settled down to a pretty low place. Like, I may be in the mood once a month. Suffices to say sexual temptation has never been much of a factor for me. However, about half a year ago now, after being separated from most of my family for about a year, I saw my baby sister, and I had a great time with her on a two week beach trip. This helped me beat final struggle with the nihilism of my teenage years. However, this sudden change opened a whole can of worms that I couldn't have comprehended a few months ago...
I never really knew my father. I have vague memories of him, and I know of his lacking character from everyone else, but I don't have any contact with him, and I have no mechanism or desire to contact him at my convenience. When I was lifted out of my depression, I thought "What if he had more kids?" For some reason, the thought never even crossed my mind prior, that I could have brothers or sisters I know nothing about. I know he's been with plenty of women, and that he'd never stick around even if he had impregnated someone, so I'd never be able to learn anything if I had contacted him.
Knowing this for near certain, I gave up on the idea and accepted the painful truth that I'll always have an ever-burning, painful hole where these answers should be. I tried not to dwell on it for a while, but one day a few weeks later, another switched kicked on in my head. I asked myself "Do I want to have kids?". It wasn't a foreign question to me, I've always thought about the prospect, but ultimately, I'd never had enough interest to warrant serious considerations. To my surprise, when I asked this question of myself again recently, everything in my being screamed at me "Of course! How could you go on living without kids?!" (Not in so many words, the response was actually more of a very painful, burning sensation in my chest. The exact same longing that struck me when contemplating my possible siblings.)
Baby rabies is normally something that happens to women who've wasted their youth, not 18 year old boys, especially one that, by most accounts, has never thought much about the prospect to begin with. It strikes me as strange that since then, I can't go an hour without thinking about having kids. This constant aching in my heart won't cease even while I'm asleep. I'm sure there's some psychological reason for this, but I don't have the access to counseling I'd need to find out, and I wouldn't want this desire gone even if
Finally For the Love of all that is Holy! The Actual Conundrum:
Long-winded as I am, I do have an actual point to get to. All of these things on their own would make for nothing more than a disorganized autobiography. However, two key points here conflict in quite a troubling way. If you've read through, you've probably guessed already; My libido is as low as ever. As much a desire as I have for having children, I have little interest in actively pursuing women. My low drive, combined with pre-existing social anxiety creates such a combination in me that I doubt I could successfully court or date anyone no if I tried. I'd end up putting on a show for a few weeks at most, and it'd be over as soon as I ran out of energy.
As boring as all this may sound, it's a genuine crisis for me. I know for a fact that I cannot go on living in any worthwhile capacity until this is resolved. A Biblical answer would be great! An answer from anyone's personal experience would be just as great, perhaps even better, given the uniqueness of the situation. Either way, I needed to get this out, I don't have anyone I can talk to and I feel that I'll explode if I don't find some resolution to this.
Thank you.
(Edit: Somehow or another, part of a sentence on paragraph 3 got cut off when I first posted this. It should make more sense now.)
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