A Moment to Process

[Mayflower1]

It has probably been 9 months or so since I have been in counseling. I am very happy about that, because when I got pregnant with my daughter, I wanted to take a step back from the mental health world to just live and be happy. And for the most part I am. I love my husband, my daughter, and my life. And I have even talked to my dad and forgiven him for the sexual abuse as a child. The thing is when I first started dating and got married, I had to work through issues of touch and intimacy. I came so far with my very loving husband and we will be married 3 years June of this year! We have a 6 month old daughter, and she is the most beautiful little girl in the world (no I am not a tad bias ).

I've been a bit discouraged though, because flashbacks I've had again lately. Ill see my husband blow raspberries or kiss on my daughter's tummy. I do it too. She loves it. But seeing him doing it triggers me and I have to bring myself back. I try to listen to her laughter, because she is the happiest little girl you have ever met. I will see him change her clothes or diaper, and I have to quiet that fear, because my husband is a good man and is not my dad. Just those little things. It discourages me that these feelings and flashbacks keep coming up when the abuse happened when I was 4 to 6 years old. But it scares me for my daughter, because this world is worse then what it ever was before and I pray nothing ever happens to her where she has to deal with something like I do in her life.

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest tonight. I talk to my husband, but he works thirds and took his day/tonight off to drive us to see family out of town, so I am not waking him. Plus I've always needed to process my thoughts out writing, before I even know what is bothering me. A sound board can be helpful sometimes with others who know what I am experiencing. I think it has been for the last week or so it has just weighed on me. Being a first time mom, I really haven't had any time to just sit and really process what my feelings are. My little one will probably wake up soon for a night feeding even.

I have learned not to think about it too much and just repeat the good I see and the safety I feel now. It is just frustrating having to constantly work on this. Tiring even. I think it is just the fear now I have to overcome. Anxiety has always been the biggest struggle for me. But I have entrusted my life, and my daughter's life in God's loving hands. Trust is just easier said then done.

 

[ripple the car]

I hear you. It stinks. Pray about the specific triggers. Give your self the space, like you said, to process why you are feeling this. Also, feeling ok for a while and then getting angry / scared / wanting to whack a guy in the face after months of being fine is totally normal. It's common, and doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Give yourself space. Crud like this will probably kind of always be there. On the periphery, but still sort of there. That's normal, too.

 

[Mayflower1]

I like the whack a guy comment. I got this cast iron skillet and always threatening my husband with it. Now he says I am all talk and no go. But yeh, on the peripheral. I try to remind myself to stay focused on what is right in front of me and Ill be fine. I always have been. I've talked to God many times and He has strengthened me over the years. I never dreamed to come this far. I was in inpatient programs 3 years to get to the point of this being peripheral and I am very glad to be in this place. If I just let it go by though and not recognize those feelings and thoughts, then they definitely overtake me.

 

[ripple the car]

I have literally been like "ohbleepno" and almost clocked my husband in the jaw multiple times. He has no idea how close he's been to almost getting his lights knocked out.

Focus on Christ. Sounds like you already do this, and that's great. God bless you. Keep doing this.

 

[Mayflower1]

It has really helped just to write it out. And I like to think of this on the peripheral. That is encouraging. It is a lot better then how it used to be.

And that is hilarious. I will pray for your husband.