I wasn't quite sure if this belonged in the 'eating disorders' category or 'depression' or the 'struggles with sexuality' one, so I stuck it here.
first of all, I've been struggling to stop masturbating for a while now. it's something I'm absolutely ashamed of, and not just for moral/religious reasons - I see it as a disgusting lack of self-control. anyway, I thought I was doing really well, I could go for weeks without feeling the urge to touch or feeling anything sexual at all. but lately it's been increasingly bad and I've even looked at porn. I'm going to try that "setting captives free" thing, though, which brings me to my next subject.
I don't really know what I believe in. my old youth-group leader had a quote on her binder that said "my faith is like shifting sand" and I don't know where the quote comes from, but I can't think of a better way to describe my own "faith." it's like I'm a pendulum constantly vacillating between humanism and christianity. it's physically and emotionally draining. to make matters worse, my church is corrupt and my parents, who have always been the ones taking me to church, are doubting their own beliefs. as I go off to college next year, I don't know if I'll be looking for a church - the experience has always been disappointing.
lastly, I've been struggling with an eating disorder, depression, and a low self-image for a while. I went to therapy for a little while, but that didn't seem to help. I felt my counselor was patronizing and it isn't easy to talk about feeling fat at 95 lbs when your therapist is shorter than you and easily over 200. I only had one friend that I spoke of this to, but she's changed completely. she has issues of her own and probably couldn't take on mine too, but I'd like to share it with someone. I just don't know how to share it or who to share it with. it's still a pretty big part of me and, in a messed up way, I don't want to get rid of it because it's a stabilizer. I feel like such a liar hiding this from everybody, but I don't want them to take it away.
I'd just like to say that I know my ed is dangerous and harmful and all that, I'd just like to know how to tell someone. I mean, the last person (besides my parents) I shared it with left me totally alone and was really freaked out about it and I don't want that to happen again. she doesn't even look me in the face these days and she was like a part of my family for four years! if that was my best friend, how are any of the others supposed to react? for example, a few of my friends were talking about therapy one day during lunch and I mentioned something about my experience with therapists and they laughed hysterically like it was a joke... I just don't know how not to make this scary, weird, or humorously bizarre to the people I consider my friends.
now that I sound like a basket case, I'd really like your advice and prayers on any of the above.
and even if no one does respond, it was nice to vent.
first of all, I've been struggling to stop masturbating for a while now. it's something I'm absolutely ashamed of, and not just for moral/religious reasons - I see it as a disgusting lack of self-control. anyway, I thought I was doing really well, I could go for weeks without feeling the urge to touch or feeling anything sexual at all. but lately it's been increasingly bad and I've even looked at porn. I'm going to try that "setting captives free" thing, though, which brings me to my next subject.
I don't really know what I believe in. my old youth-group leader had a quote on her binder that said "my faith is like shifting sand" and I don't know where the quote comes from, but I can't think of a better way to describe my own "faith." it's like I'm a pendulum constantly vacillating between humanism and christianity. it's physically and emotionally draining. to make matters worse, my church is corrupt and my parents, who have always been the ones taking me to church, are doubting their own beliefs. as I go off to college next year, I don't know if I'll be looking for a church - the experience has always been disappointing.
lastly, I've been struggling with an eating disorder, depression, and a low self-image for a while. I went to therapy for a little while, but that didn't seem to help. I felt my counselor was patronizing and it isn't easy to talk about feeling fat at 95 lbs when your therapist is shorter than you and easily over 200. I only had one friend that I spoke of this to, but she's changed completely. she has issues of her own and probably couldn't take on mine too, but I'd like to share it with someone. I just don't know how to share it or who to share it with. it's still a pretty big part of me and, in a messed up way, I don't want to get rid of it because it's a stabilizer. I feel like such a liar hiding this from everybody, but I don't want them to take it away.
I'd just like to say that I know my ed is dangerous and harmful and all that, I'd just like to know how to tell someone. I mean, the last person (besides my parents) I shared it with left me totally alone and was really freaked out about it and I don't want that to happen again. she doesn't even look me in the face these days and she was like a part of my family for four years! if that was my best friend, how are any of the others supposed to react? for example, a few of my friends were talking about therapy one day during lunch and I mentioned something about my experience with therapists and they laughed hysterically like it was a joke... I just don't know how not to make this scary, weird, or humorously bizarre to the people I consider my friends.
now that I sound like a basket case, I'd really like your advice and prayers on any of the above.
and even if no one does respond, it was nice to vent.
