- Aug 28, 2006
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For years, I always thought I was saved when I was nine years old on August 11, the same day that my grandpa's cousin (as well as my uncle as he married my grandma's sister) died. It was also the anniversary of my grandma's dad's birth or death (I think the former).
I remember it very easily, because of the effect on my grandpa - from mourning to joy all in one day. I was always so proud that I had made him happy after such a horrid day.
And then over a year ago was when I started seriously doubting my salvation. I don't really remember the exact moment it started, or what caused the doubt to appear - emptiness, lack of guilt/repentance when sinning, the fact that I saw a few other people go through something similar, something in a sermon or lesson, or the thought that I din't understand salvation then - but I do know that all of those things played a factor.
The thing is, I never could come to a solid conclusion regarding my spiritual state. Sometimes I would beleive that there was really nothing wrong.
Every time the doubt would surace, I'd supress it. One of the main reasond was "what would everyone else think", particularly my grandparents. Every time I came close to admitting that I had no certainty of my salvation, someone would say something about me being saved, a good Christian, or how much I knew about the Bible. Sometimes I felt a bit sick at this.
Other times, I just shoved it off, thinking that the doubt would just pass.
During this time, I threw myself into church activity and Bible studies, possibly more than ever. I think now that I might have subconsciously thought that this would solve anything.
But all the while I did this, I was also falling more into sin and emptiness.
That is what I hate(d) most about that time - the fact I was living a lie.
It wasn't until recently (as in, last week) upon seeing a group called the Power Team did I start to really face it. On Wednesday night, I felt a tug at my heart and almost raised my hand when they asked for anyone who needed salvation to. Even though all eyes were closed, I didn't quite do it (I rose my fingers a little, but they were sitting in my lap).
Sunday night, I felt that same tug. It was as if Jesus were saying "You're facing this - you can't keep skirting around it." This time, I did raise my hand.
And then came the altar call. I had ridden to the school gym that the Team was at with a woman from my church. She was a woman I had respected for a while, and knew mostly because of her grandson who I loved to pick on.
I didn't think I could walk to the altar by myself, so I asked her if she would go with me. She looked surprised (which is a tad surprising in itself as her grandson had been shouting that I had raised my hand - I really do love that kid, even if he is a bit troublesome), but she went.
I must admit that that was the hardest thing I ever did. I was shaking from the prayer anyway, and I was very nervous. I must admit that before walking to the stage that it seemed like Satan was doing everything to keep me back, but this time fear didn't get in the way, even though it sure was still in me.
A few minutes later I found myself in an area of the stands roped off y caution ribbon with another woman at my church. I could barely speak, I was still so shaky, but I told her the gist of it, and it helped when she said that she had gone through a very similar ordeal. And to think I used to not like/trust her all that well (another story altogether, but I'm over that, too).
I did hand my life over to Jesus this time, and I am certain.
I was relieved afterwards, but still a bit nervous, wondering how everyone's opinion of me changed. Luckily, the few members of my church that said anything about it were supportive/happy. Some did express shock, but I saw no sign of judgment. Just...happiness and support. I doubt they'll ever know how I love them for that.
Later that night I called my grandparents.I told my grandma the news (she was surprised, to say the least, but it went better than I'd imagined). I told her to tell my grandpa. I didn't talk to him for a couple of days. One of the first things he said to me (right after "it's about time you talked to me") was that he was proud. When I asked him why, he simply said for being his granddaughter, but I know what he really meant.
I am certain now that I am a child of God, though the road to that title was prolonged. But now I have peace. I know now that all the studying I did and the involvment I had were nothing. Yes, they were good things, but they didn't get me where I needed to be. Only surrender did.
In one of Beth Moore's A Heart Like His bible study videos, she mentioned how sometimes it is appropriate to sit at Jesus's feet, and others to fall at his feet. I now know what she meant. I fell.
After Sunday it seems I have been attacked/tempted by Satan more than ever. I got pretty down Wednesday night from it, but God carried me through (and it actually ended up helping me), and I know He will continue to do so.
I still wonder a bit what the rest of my church is going to think when I get baptized Tomorrow, but I know it doesn't matter and that I can handle it. I dont need their good opinions. I have acceptance from God now, and that's what is important.
I remember it very easily, because of the effect on my grandpa - from mourning to joy all in one day. I was always so proud that I had made him happy after such a horrid day.
And then over a year ago was when I started seriously doubting my salvation. I don't really remember the exact moment it started, or what caused the doubt to appear - emptiness, lack of guilt/repentance when sinning, the fact that I saw a few other people go through something similar, something in a sermon or lesson, or the thought that I din't understand salvation then - but I do know that all of those things played a factor.
The thing is, I never could come to a solid conclusion regarding my spiritual state. Sometimes I would beleive that there was really nothing wrong.
Every time the doubt would surace, I'd supress it. One of the main reasond was "what would everyone else think", particularly my grandparents. Every time I came close to admitting that I had no certainty of my salvation, someone would say something about me being saved, a good Christian, or how much I knew about the Bible. Sometimes I felt a bit sick at this.
Other times, I just shoved it off, thinking that the doubt would just pass.
During this time, I threw myself into church activity and Bible studies, possibly more than ever. I think now that I might have subconsciously thought that this would solve anything.
But all the while I did this, I was also falling more into sin and emptiness.
That is what I hate(d) most about that time - the fact I was living a lie.
It wasn't until recently (as in, last week) upon seeing a group called the Power Team did I start to really face it. On Wednesday night, I felt a tug at my heart and almost raised my hand when they asked for anyone who needed salvation to. Even though all eyes were closed, I didn't quite do it (I rose my fingers a little, but they were sitting in my lap).
Sunday night, I felt that same tug. It was as if Jesus were saying "You're facing this - you can't keep skirting around it." This time, I did raise my hand.
And then came the altar call. I had ridden to the school gym that the Team was at with a woman from my church. She was a woman I had respected for a while, and knew mostly because of her grandson who I loved to pick on.
I didn't think I could walk to the altar by myself, so I asked her if she would go with me. She looked surprised (which is a tad surprising in itself as her grandson had been shouting that I had raised my hand - I really do love that kid, even if he is a bit troublesome), but she went.
I must admit that that was the hardest thing I ever did. I was shaking from the prayer anyway, and I was very nervous. I must admit that before walking to the stage that it seemed like Satan was doing everything to keep me back, but this time fear didn't get in the way, even though it sure was still in me.
A few minutes later I found myself in an area of the stands roped off y caution ribbon with another woman at my church. I could barely speak, I was still so shaky, but I told her the gist of it, and it helped when she said that she had gone through a very similar ordeal. And to think I used to not like/trust her all that well (another story altogether, but I'm over that, too).
I did hand my life over to Jesus this time, and I am certain.
I was relieved afterwards, but still a bit nervous, wondering how everyone's opinion of me changed. Luckily, the few members of my church that said anything about it were supportive/happy. Some did express shock, but I saw no sign of judgment. Just...happiness and support. I doubt they'll ever know how I love them for that.
Later that night I called my grandparents.I told my grandma the news (she was surprised, to say the least, but it went better than I'd imagined). I told her to tell my grandpa. I didn't talk to him for a couple of days. One of the first things he said to me (right after "it's about time you talked to me") was that he was proud. When I asked him why, he simply said for being his granddaughter, but I know what he really meant.
I am certain now that I am a child of God, though the road to that title was prolonged. But now I have peace. I know now that all the studying I did and the involvment I had were nothing. Yes, they were good things, but they didn't get me where I needed to be. Only surrender did.
In one of Beth Moore's A Heart Like His bible study videos, she mentioned how sometimes it is appropriate to sit at Jesus's feet, and others to fall at his feet. I now know what she meant. I fell.
After Sunday it seems I have been attacked/tempted by Satan more than ever. I got pretty down Wednesday night from it, but God carried me through (and it actually ended up helping me), and I know He will continue to do so.
I still wonder a bit what the rest of my church is going to think when I get baptized Tomorrow, but I know it doesn't matter and that I can handle it. I dont need their good opinions. I have acceptance from God now, and that's what is important.
