A joke or two....
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
these are hysterical!!!... i just tried to post that last one from memory...didn't turn out too well 
Upvote
0
Three young friends decide to go into the Catholic ministry; they are approved, and become: "Father Flarity, Father Sicola and Father Flannigan."
Years pass and promotions occur. It is "Bishop Flarity", and "Bishop Flannigan"; but still "Father Sicola."
A few more years pass, and it's: "Cardinal Flarity", and "Cardinal Flannigan" --- but still "Father Sicola!"
Father Sicola requests an audience with his superior. He says: "I'm not a vain mahn, ya' knoew; buht me friends r' adVANcin', ahnd I'd be appreciative if ya' c'ld tell me why ah'm NOT?"
His superior's shoulders fell, he took a deep breath; looked down, then looked up again. "Well ah'll tell ya; yer performance has been EXEMPLARY; the people all LOVE ya'; ya've cehrtainly got all o' th' qualifications. But, ya' knoew, once ya' stahrt adVANcin', thar's just no way o' telling where ya' might end UP. Ahnd face it, my friend; it just wouldna' do a-tall, if someday we had a POPE-SICOLA..."
Years pass and promotions occur. It is "Bishop Flarity", and "Bishop Flannigan"; but still "Father Sicola."
A few more years pass, and it's: "Cardinal Flarity", and "Cardinal Flannigan" --- but still "Father Sicola!"
Father Sicola requests an audience with his superior. He says: "I'm not a vain mahn, ya' knoew; buht me friends r' adVANcin', ahnd I'd be appreciative if ya' c'ld tell me why ah'm NOT?"
His superior's shoulders fell, he took a deep breath; looked down, then looked up again. "Well ah'll tell ya; yer performance has been EXEMPLARY; the people all LOVE ya'; ya've cehrtainly got all o' th' qualifications. But, ya' knoew, once ya' stahrt adVANcin', thar's just no way o' telling where ya' might end UP. Ahnd face it, my friend; it just wouldna' do a-tall, if someday we had a POPE-SICOLA..."
Upvote
0
Chicken walked into the library. "Book? Book-book-book-book???" One librarian lookat at the other and frowned. WELL, he HAD is own library card. "What kind of books would he want?" THe other librarian said, "Maybe some children's books?" The first checked out several, and put them in the chicken's backpack; chicken left, seemingly happy. BUT --- a few minutes later, he was back: "Book-book-book-BOOK?" She checked in the first set, and gave him several new ones.
This kept happening several times! As the chicken left one time, the first librarian whispered: "I'm going to find out what's going on."
She followed the chicken; down the steps, down the sidewalk, then the chicken CROSSED THE ROAD...
She followed and followed, finally he turned into a small copse of woods. Peeking from behind a tree, she saw he had a FRIEND.
A little frog.
The chicken began pulling out the books and plopping them in front of his froggy-friend.
But at each one, the frog would shake his head, and say:
"Read-it. Read-it. Read-it-read-it."
This kept happening several times! As the chicken left one time, the first librarian whispered: "I'm going to find out what's going on."
She followed the chicken; down the steps, down the sidewalk, then the chicken CROSSED THE ROAD...
She followed and followed, finally he turned into a small copse of woods. Peeking from behind a tree, she saw he had a FRIEND.
A little frog.
The chicken began pulling out the books and plopping them in front of his froggy-friend.
But at each one, the frog would shake his head, and say:
"Read-it. Read-it. Read-it-read-it."
Upvote
0
My first attempt at ICE-fishing was a DISASTER. I had all the equipment; gloves, boots, pole, bait; hat, ax, stool. Found a good spot in the ice and began to chop.
"There are no fish under the ice."
The voice seemed to come from EVERYWHERE; I froze, eyes wide; finally shook my head and moved to a new spot. (Chop, chop...)
"There ARE no FISH, under the ICE..."
I loooooked left, loooked right; couldn't see anything. Shook my head and moved to a new spot. Chop...
"There ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"
Thoroughly frightened, I finally gathered the courage to shout back: "W-w-who are y-you, God?"
"No. I'm the MANAGER of the GALLERIA SKATING RINK!!!!!!!"
"There are no fish under the ice."
The voice seemed to come from EVERYWHERE; I froze, eyes wide; finally shook my head and moved to a new spot. (Chop, chop...)
"There ARE no FISH, under the ICE..."
I loooooked left, loooked right; couldn't see anything. Shook my head and moved to a new spot. Chop...
"There ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"
Thoroughly frightened, I finally gathered the courage to shout back: "W-w-who are y-you, God?"
"No. I'm the MANAGER of the GALLERIA SKATING RINK!!!!!!!"
Upvote
0
Peter Pan went hunting. SUDDENLY, he spied a DUCK. He swiftly drew his bow, and FIRED; but the duck, DUCKED. And, as ducks are wont to do, flew off at GRASS-TOP-LEVEL...
On the other side of the meadow, was ROBIN HOOD and his MERRY MEN. The duck was surprised when he was suddenly confronted with the wide girth of Friar Tuck; Tuck, equally surpised, simply closed his hands and captured the duck.
The duck looked up, rolled his eyes, shook his head and exclaimed...
exclaimed...
"OH good. Out of the FLYING-PAN and into the FRIAR."
On the other side of the meadow, was ROBIN HOOD and his MERRY MEN. The duck was surprised when he was suddenly confronted with the wide girth of Friar Tuck; Tuck, equally surpised, simply closed his hands and captured the duck.
The duck looked up, rolled his eyes, shook his head and exclaimed...
exclaimed...
"OH good. Out of the FLYING-PAN and into the FRIAR."
Upvote
0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums
EspressoDuck
EspressoDuck, not ExpressDuck.
Those are ALL great!
How about this?
There was a man who was caught in a severe storm, and the nearest sheltar was an old monestary. So he climbed the steep hill, knocked on the door, and was showed tremendous hospitality by the monks who lived there. They fed him full of fish and chips, and they were so good, that he requested to see the chef. When he entered the kitchen, he was met by two robed men. "You must be the fish friar..." He said to the first one, holding a frying pan. "But what are you?" He said to the second one. "Didn't you know? I'm the chip monk!"
LOL!!!!
How about this?
There was a man who was caught in a severe storm, and the nearest sheltar was an old monestary. So he climbed the steep hill, knocked on the door, and was showed tremendous hospitality by the monks who lived there. They fed him full of fish and chips, and they were so good, that he requested to see the chef. When he entered the kitchen, he was met by two robed men. "You must be the fish friar..." He said to the first one, holding a frying pan. "But what are you?" He said to the second one. "Didn't you know? I'm the chip monk!"
LOL!!!!
Upvote
0
Very good! And ...what kind of HELPERS did God send for Noah's journey???
....whyyy, ARK-ANGELS, of COURSE!!!
(What was the PHONE number of the Garden of Eden? ADAM-8-1-2...)
....whyyy, ARK-ANGELS, of COURSE!!!
(What was the PHONE number of the Garden of Eden? ADAM-8-1-2...)
Upvote
0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums
OK, here it goes....
Three women died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the pearly gates and welcomed them. He said: "There is only one rule here in Heaven and that is whatever you do, don't step on any ducks."
Easy enough, the women thought. Just then, as he opened the gates, the women saw that the place was full of ducks! Everywhere they could see, there were ducks. Suddenly, the first woman stepped on a duck. St. Peter, quickly disappeared and returned a short while later with the ugliest man she ever saw. He said: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be chained to this man for eternity."
The other two women, seeing this, were VERY careful not to step on any ducks. Nevertheless, the second woman inevitably stepped on a duck and sure enough, St. Peter returned with the ugliest man she ever saw and chained them together for eternity.
The third woman, not wanting to encounter the same fate as the other two was OVERLY CAREFUL and went weeks without stepping on any ducks. Suddenly one day, St. Peter comes and chains her to the most gorgeous tall dark and handsome man she had ever laid eyes on. She turned to the man and said: "What have I done to deserve this great honor"? To which the man replied: "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!!"
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
Three women died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the pearly gates and welcomed them. He said: "There is only one rule here in Heaven and that is whatever you do, don't step on any ducks."
Easy enough, the women thought. Just then, as he opened the gates, the women saw that the place was full of ducks! Everywhere they could see, there were ducks. Suddenly, the first woman stepped on a duck. St. Peter, quickly disappeared and returned a short while later with the ugliest man she ever saw. He said: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be chained to this man for eternity."
The other two women, seeing this, were VERY careful not to step on any ducks. Nevertheless, the second woman inevitably stepped on a duck and sure enough, St. Peter returned with the ugliest man she ever saw and chained them together for eternity.
The third woman, not wanting to encounter the same fate as the other two was OVERLY CAREFUL and went weeks without stepping on any ducks. Suddenly one day, St. Peter comes and chains her to the most gorgeous tall dark and handsome man she had ever laid eyes on. She turned to the man and said: "What have I done to deserve this great honor"? To which the man replied: "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!!"
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
Upvote
0
Similar threads
