A Fallen Man

[focusfella]

I Confessed my SIN (I posted in the men's forum - but seems no-one will hardly touch trying to provide some help. Maybe it'll just take time - but, can anyone help me or steer me in the least?" *God Bless*

I confessed to my wife of 7 years that I had sexual encounters (with a member of the same sex). All of this while our marriage has been going through some serious problems. During this time we were suffering sexually for various reasons - for starters...I've always felt guilty for not being able to have a child with my wife (I'm HIV positive)...I told her this when we married - so there was no secrets...she loved me anyway and we married. Nevertheless, it seems every "serious" argument has always compounded itself. I won't make excuses for myself - what I did was wrong. I've sought the forgiveness of the LORD and had planned to just live upright before him, lately I've turned over a new leaf with regard to my commitment to my marriage, my church attendance & my overall relationship with what matters most (MY SALVATION, and my wife). I feel like half a man sometimes, I hurt because she hurts, my past is sprinkled with dysfunction (one-parent home, abusive parents (verbally), and not much support, etc...). Not using this as an excuse, but that was my situation. I guess my purpose for this post is just to ask - HOW/If we can get beyond this. It's funny that this has happened at this time - our marriage was already "in the process" of healing from a recent separation. I was compelled (I believe) by the LORD to "come clean" with my wife. She's so hurt, confused and feeling like separation and possibly divorce is inevitable. I want my marriage...I was wrong, I know - she said that she has forgiven me...but, she wants to live apart - I don't feel it's my place to tell her "What thus sayeth the LORD" - and I understand that it's hard for her to receive from me right now. I'm not effiminate, although, I've had my issues growing up with parents questioning my masculinity, etc... (there I go, trying to make up an excuse). I just want my marriage...I want to move on...I want reconciliation and healing for my wife. What can I do, What do I do, What can I say - ? Help! (please).

 

[NoneyaBiznezz]

Time and commitment are the two things that come to my mind. I too am guilty of not being faithful to my marriage. It has taken my marriage years to recover but it has. I can honestly say that my marriage is better and stronger now tha it has ever been. You wife will probably never "get over it" but she may learn to accept you and forgive you.

The best thing that you can probably do at this point is to stay commited to the marriage through all of the heartache. If you consistently show your wife that you are truly repentant and 100% commited to your marriage she will begin to believe that you are serious about reconciling. Pray and Pray some more for Gods guidence through your struggles.

You are in my prayers,

Brian

 

[bliz]

I know that people say they forgive fairly soon after a problem, but my experience has been that forgivness takes some time. Just comprehending the full extent of what was done can take some time. Trust me, she is playing a lot of stuff through her mind wondering what lies you told her at that time, if there were other times you don't want to talk about, if this is going to happen again, why she was unaware of what was going on, etc.

As much as it can take time forgive, it will take her longer to learn to re-trust you.

I think that both of you need to be in counseling together, and you both may need individual counseling as well. If staying in the same house is ging to be a barrier to forgivness and reconciliation, and it sounds like it is going to be, move out. You can still see each other on a regular basis and do things together, whatever is agreed upon. A seperation does not mean there will be a divorce. It can provide a time of healing that will help enable a reconciliation.

 

[Jenna]

I agree with Brian, that this is going to take some time. If I were in your situation, I would be doing lots and lots of praying, for myself and the softening of my spouse's heart. If she says that she forgives you, then that is a good start. Still, like salvation, it seems to be an ongoing process. Just be patient and understand that infidelity does a real job to a person's head and heart, and there are so many more complications with your affair being of the same gender. As far as leaving the house, I'll just echo what I've heard from people far wiser than myself. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.....for someone else." I know that many folks don't agree with me, but it's been my observation that separations don't normally turn out very well for a couple in the long run. If anything, you give her a chance to learn how to live without you and deal with not having you around. It makes it a lot easier to sever the relationship.

 

[E-beth]

When a spouse learns of any infidelity, forgiveness is hard-coming and takes a lot of time. She is probably going through her own issues right now (am I not satisaying to him? Do I not fulfill what he needs? Am I too fat/ugly/dirty/stupid to have a good marriage? I am so MAD!) and will need to work through them before she can start to heal.

Tell her constantly how sorry you are, and keep asking her forgiveness. Be accountable for where you are and what you are doing ALL THE TIME so she never has to worry that you are out messing around again.

If she feels she has to leave, let her go but BEG her not to divorce. Maybe by being temporarily removed from the situation she will heal faster.

Also, reflect on your motives...do you want your marriage because you don't want to be alone? Because you need someone to take care of you? Because you love her? And what made you stray in the first place? Is it an issue you have completely worked through and are done with?

Don't give up hope. God is listening and He can make it better, if both partners are willing to save it. He loves you no matter what, so take it all to Him.

 

[sarah marie]

The best counsel anyone can give you is to pray. Pray for your wife, yourself and your marriage. You are not so messed up that God cannot heal you. None of us are. You'd be amazed at what God can heal. Problems that normally take years to "sort" through can be healed instantaneously in our hearts. There are naysayers on this, but I've experienced it. God designed us, created us and has a knowledge of us that is more intimate than we can imagine.

As far as what to do for your wife's pain: Prayer again. Take your counsel on this one from the Holy Spirit. God knows what your wife is struggling with and he knows better than anyone what it will take to heal her pain. Her healing will come from God. Through prayer you can make yourself available to his use in that process, but it will be God that heals the marriage.

Keep the faith!

 

[JVD]

You may not be able to save your marriage. It is sure that there is really nothing YOU can do right now to save your marriage. It is in God's hands and you should do everything you can to leave it there.

It is extremely important that no matter what happens to your marriage that you spend your time with your God. Throw yourself in front of him. He accepts you...as you are. Do not use his acceptance as an excuse to sin but do accept his forgiveness and love. He will bring inner healing, it will not come automatically or quickly but will take time. Always come back to God, and stay in his presence. Pray for the best for your wife and do what you can to make her life valuable.