A Cry Out For Help

[SoldierOfGod22]

God put it on my heart to come to this website. I have no clue how to work this thing but I am in dire need of help. I am struggling so hard with homosexuality. I am only 16. I feel like I am starting to cave in... to give up.. I feel as if I can accept going to Hell. All of my life, I have struggled so hard with my sexuality. Especially because I look about 21 and men who have no clue how old I am will try to come on to me. I cannot even tell you how disgusted I feel about myself. A couple months ago, God pulled me out of my absolute darkest moment. A man 24 years old who has had intercourse many times did stuff with me and I knew something was wrong after, physically. When I went home, I became so scared.. not just scared but scarred. For four days straight I slept and didnt eat. My body ached and I puked. I had migraines that felt worse than you could ever imagine. I know HIV isnt able to detected within such a short time but I really feel like I could have contracted it. I looked in the mirror and saw white spots on my tongue. It scared me to death.. I tried to go back to bed but I just couldn't. My fear was overwhelming so I cried out to God for help. I begged for forgiveness. I begged him to cleanse me. I begged for mercy and for Him to intervene because I am only 16. I am too young to die. I asked God to come into my life. I asked him to transform me. For 24 hours, I prayed and cried. After praying, I could feel God speak to me. Letting me know that everything was going to be okay. I could feel a huge pressure just lifted off of me. I panicked so bad that night because I knew my actions could have resulted in deadly consequences. Over the next couple days, my tongue cleared up and my body became strong and healthy. I had such an intense fear that I could have contracted HIV. I prayed, asking for Him to speak to me in some way so that I knew that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. An hour after prayer, I got online to see a little sentence on YouTube that said "Aids will lose." My first time being back at church, a woman gave her testimony for the first time about being sexually abused as a child. She said that no matter what you go through, He can cleanse you. I know for most people that would mean He can spiritually cleanse you but I know that spoke to me specifically. There were several more ways on top of those that He spoke to me. So basically after all of this, I have been going back to church and preaching God to all sorts of people and especially my teenage friends. I go to church twice a week and I feel so powerful during church. I am usually so on fire for God because he SAVED MY LIFE and now I catch myself falling weak. Tonight, I gave into Satan and masturbated to gay porn. This has not been the first time since God saved my life too. This is a real struggle. I feel like I am at my breaking point with God. Guilt is a gift from God. It is what brings us back around to Him. And yet after I touch to gay pornography, I don't even feel bad about it. That is what scares me the most. Tonight really tore me up because I want to be straight so badly. I am a masculine guy but my sexual desires are so uncontrollable. Everytime I pray, I ask for sexual healing and transformation. Satan knows my weaknesses and he uses them against me all the time. I feel like I am losing this battle. I break out into tears just thinking about all of the destruction this has caused. I want to be freed from homosexuality. I have nobody to talk to because I do not want to reveal myself to friends and family. I am lost. I am weak. And I know God put it on my heart to come here. I just ask that somebody can talk to me. Tell me they understand. That the Lord uses one of you to give me the strength I need to break this indestructible chain that enslaves me.

 

[anonym00s]

God put it on my heart to come to this website. I have no clue how to work this thing but I am in dire need of help. I am struggling so hard with homosexuality. I am only 16. I feel like I am starting to cave in... to give up.. I feel as if I can accept going to Hell. All of my life, I have struggled so hard with my sexuality. Especially because I look about 21 and men who have no clue how old I am will try to come on to me. I cannot even tell you how disgusted I feel about myself. A couple months ago, God pulled me out of my absolute darkest moment. A man 24 years old who has had intercourse many times did stuff with me and I knew something was wrong after, physically. When I went home, I became so scared.. not just scared but scarred. For four days straight I slept and didnt eat. My body ached and I puked. I had migraines that felt worse than you could ever imagine. I know HIV isnt able to detected within such a short time but I really feel like I could have contracted it. I looked in the mirror and saw white spots on my tongue. It scared me to death.. I tried to go back to bed but I just couldn't. My fear was overwhelming so I cried out to God for help. I begged for forgiveness. I begged him to cleanse me. I begged for mercy and for Him to intervene because I am only 16. I am too young to die. I asked God to come into my life. I asked him to transform me. For 24 hours, I prayed and cried. After praying, I could feel God speak to me. Letting me know that everything was going to be okay. I could feel a huge pressure just lifted off of me. I panicked so bad that night because I knew my actions could have resulted in deadly consequences. Over the next couple days, my tongue cleared up and my body became strong and healthy. I had such an intense fear that I could have contracted HIV. I prayed, asking for Him to speak to me in some way so that I knew that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. An hour after prayer, I got online to see a little sentence on YouTube that said "Aids will lose." My first time being back at church, a woman gave her testimony for the first time about being sexually abused as a child. She said that no matter what you go through, He can cleanse you. I know for most people that would mean He can spiritually cleanse you but I know that spoke to me specifically. There were several more ways on top of those that He spoke to me. So basically after all of this, I have been going back to church and preaching God to all sorts of people and especially my teenage friends. I go to church twice a week and I feel so powerful during church. I am usually so on fire for God because he SAVED MY LIFE and now I catch myself falling weak. Tonight, I gave into Satan and masturbated to gay porn. This has not been the first time since God saved my life too. This is a real struggle. I feel like I am at my breaking point with God. Guilt is a gift from God. It is what brings us back around to Him. And yet after I touch to gay pornography, I don't even feel bad about it. That is what scares me the most. Tonight really tore me up because I want to be straight so badly. I am a masculine guy but my sexual desires are so uncontrollable. Everytime I pray, I ask for sexual healing and transformation. Satan knows my weaknesses and he uses them against me all the time. I feel like I am losing this battle. I break out into tears just thinking about all of the destruction this has caused. I want to be freed from homosexuality. I have nobody to talk to because I do not want to reveal myself to friends and family. I am lost. I am weak. And I know God put it on my heart to come here. I just ask that somebody can talk to me. Tell me they understand. That the Lord uses one of you to give me the strength I need to break this indestructible chain that enslaves me.

"For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil." (second half of 1 John 3:8)

I have every reason to believe you'll be fine. That is all I feel led to say.

 

[aplraensa]

You will go through many trials as you live and grow up physically and spiritually. God has his eye on you the entire time. Even if you take your eyes off Him, He will bring you back to Him. I truly believe that if you pray to Him to give you wisdom that will begin to change your desires and thoughts, wisdom so that you can please Him with your life, then He will. Why wouldn't he? Just believe Him. He is there, and He wants good for you. He will show you everything in time, just be patient. You have to believe He is true to His word, that
" if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5). He will lead you out of this, you have been such a good son to stay true to Him in the face of such adversity.

 

[tunnelhckrat]

If this is what you truly want and Jesus is with you then you have nothing to fear. Even death will not overcome those in Christ.

 

[Contrar]

Just as you were healed physically you will be healed spiritually. Your healing is a sign of gods mercy towards you. i understand that it feels inescapable, but God brought you here to be set free. You aren't at a breaking point with God you said yourself that you feel powerful at church which can only come from the holy spirit working through you; this is your turning point. Remember that you are first and foremost a child of god, there is no need to feel disgusted about yourself. Since you have clearly repented in fully contrite spirit you are forgiven and you will be healed. I would suggest searching for someone to confide in to help through this struggle. Confessing my struggle with homosexuality is the scariest thing I've ever done and it led to closer friendship along with a path to wholeness. I know its far from easy, but it is possible. I hope this gave you strength.
Isaiah 57:18 I have seen his ways but I will heal him, I will guide him and restore comfort to him.

 

[SoldierOfGod22]

Thank you all so much. You guys gave me so much strength. I appreciate all of your guys' time. God bless you all. Words cannot explain how grateful I am for such caring Christians like yourselves.