This seems to fit here best of all though it touches on other forums as well. I feel compelled by God to confess and testify.
I have been less than what God called me to be. I have mistaken something for love. I do not know what its true name is, but perhaps a lesser form of love or a corrupted form of love maybe. I certainly thought it love at the time. I engaged in search for it in many different places for a long time. Perhaps even with my knowledge of eros and agape I was misled. I have spent many years in search of some idol of love. One woman to fill the missing pieces in me. A woman to be a true companion. While in itself a noble search worthy of man, it had become my idol. From a young, young age I longed for that type of love.
At one point I asked myself why God had placed that desire in me. I remember quite clearly wondering what sick purpose it served. For all my searches had been frustrated. God gave me a desire without an outlet. To me this was pure torture.
I sought solice in pornography. I figured I was not good enough for a women, but at least in my imgaination I could have them all. Or at least the ones who interested me. And my lust in this area ranged far and wide. You name a vileness and I have seen it. I have known evil. And what is worse is I enjoyed its company. For my frustration and anger had turned me against God. I still believed in Him, but I did not like or trust God.
That may have been my greatest sin. Not the pornography, nor the little hatreds I have felt in my life. Not that simple pedestrian sin. I had the mother of all sins, hating God. I hated God for being, as I saw it then, a tyrant King. He seemed to me to have no rhyme nor reason. Except for rare moments, I did not like God. I would try to follow and serve God at times, but I did not trust. I distrusted a God who suffered for my sake on the Cross. I see it for foolishness now, but those are honest words describing how I felt.
Later I shall I add how I got to the point of this confession. But for now the confession is enough to ease my soul. I feel on the cusp of something wonderful in my life and I ask for and offer prayers of thanks.
I have been less than what God called me to be. I have mistaken something for love. I do not know what its true name is, but perhaps a lesser form of love or a corrupted form of love maybe. I certainly thought it love at the time. I engaged in search for it in many different places for a long time. Perhaps even with my knowledge of eros and agape I was misled. I have spent many years in search of some idol of love. One woman to fill the missing pieces in me. A woman to be a true companion. While in itself a noble search worthy of man, it had become my idol. From a young, young age I longed for that type of love.
At one point I asked myself why God had placed that desire in me. I remember quite clearly wondering what sick purpose it served. For all my searches had been frustrated. God gave me a desire without an outlet. To me this was pure torture.
I sought solice in pornography. I figured I was not good enough for a women, but at least in my imgaination I could have them all. Or at least the ones who interested me. And my lust in this area ranged far and wide. You name a vileness and I have seen it. I have known evil. And what is worse is I enjoyed its company. For my frustration and anger had turned me against God. I still believed in Him, but I did not like or trust God.
That may have been my greatest sin. Not the pornography, nor the little hatreds I have felt in my life. Not that simple pedestrian sin. I had the mother of all sins, hating God. I hated God for being, as I saw it then, a tyrant King. He seemed to me to have no rhyme nor reason. Except for rare moments, I did not like God. I would try to follow and serve God at times, but I did not trust. I distrusted a God who suffered for my sake on the Cross. I see it for foolishness now, but those are honest words describing how I felt.
Later I shall I add how I got to the point of this confession. But for now the confession is enough to ease my soul. I feel on the cusp of something wonderful in my life and I ask for and offer prayers of thanks.
