A big deal?

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I'm so confused...my friends online say that cutting is a big deal, that I need help and stuff...then I try telling people in person, and most (though not all) have been kind, but just ignore the issue after I tell them, like it's no big deal, not urgent, not something that needs to be resolved. I don't know what to think....my life has never really been in danger from cutting, but I know it's not a good thing to do, and I am suicidal sometimes, but I don't think I could ever go through with it. I don't know...is what's going on with me a big deal? Does it really matter? A lot of the time it doesn't seem like a big deal to me....it's just my life. It's what I know. I don't know what to do, what to think...do I need help or would that be making a big deal out of nothing? And how do you GET help anyways....? I've tried telling so many people....none of them have really helped. Is that because this stuff doesn't matter? Ergh....I don't know. Anyone got any ideas?

 

[pentecostalgirl0414]

Hi. It is a big deal. I know that sometimes it doesn't seem that way, but it is. Sometimes I don't think that what I do is a big deal. I think that you do need help. It is always good to have someone to talk to and to talk things out with. With cutting, sometimes, there are deeper problems hidden underneath it all. You can get help by going to your local mental health center (do you have one where you live?) or call a hotline and they can refer you to somewhere. I do hope that this helps you a bit!

 

[devotee]

it matters. You are desensitising yourself to the practice of doing yourself harm. You are most likely cutting because you have feelings that you want to express but don't have words for. You may be angry at others and taking it out on yourself. Your behaviour is not healthy phsyically, metally or spirituatlly.

Your freinds/who you talk to may not know how to provide the empathetic ear you need. You need to make contact with a counselor, even if its just a local call hotline to begin. Stay with the forums...

If the road of suicide were a river, you are closer to the waterfall edge than you may realise. Your body is not a tool for venting frustration, pain and anger.

Your behavior matters. Pm me anytime

 

[Im-revived]

Ok, sweetheart, I'm a counsellor in this, so lets see if some advice will help you understand a bit.

I think you need to hear the truth, so I'm going to be straightforward, truthfull and as basic as possible to help.
Many people have no understanding at all about the reasons for Self harm Issues, many think people do it for attention, many it frightens and most of all many people don't know how to handle it. If say for example you told 100 people that you do it only 30 out of that 100 would listen or try and help, so thats 30% with some sort of understanding. An answer to your question is yes its a big deal, and yes you need help, counselling. Theres always a deep rooted reason for SI/SH, a reason the sufferer may not even know at first, just to name a couple it could be through rejection, hurt. When someone does this it is 90% because they have some sort of anger or hate or guilt that they are taking out on themselves, it doesn't necessarly mean they are guilty, or anything, something has made them feel that way and the only release they can find to take it away for a bit is by injuring themselves. From reading all that though I don't want you to think 'Oh well theres no hope' because thats totally untrue, there is plenty of help out there, counsellors, psychologists etc who talk through it with you, teach you ways of coping by using different ways of venting these feelings, not abusing yourself, but by ways of thinking. When online you don't actually know the person, so thats why your sometimes getting negative reactions that don't help. Like you said on this forum more will understand its a serious problem. So I'm going to leave you with, yes its a problem u need help with immediately and it is serious, so I suggest you do get help. PM if you wish!

Im-revived

I'm so confused...my friends online say that cutting is a big deal, that I need help and stuff...then I try telling people in person, and most (though not all) have been kind, but just ignore the issue after I tell them, like it's no big deal, not urgent, not something that needs to be resolved. I don't know what to think....my life has never really been in danger from cutting, but I know it's not a good thing to do, and I am suicidal sometimes, but I don't think I could ever go through with it. I don't know...is what's going on with me a big deal? Does it really matter? A lot of the time it doesn't seem like a big deal to me....it's just my life. It's what I know. I don't know what to do, what to think...do I need help or would that be making a big deal out of nothing? And how do you GET help anyways....? I've tried telling so many people....none of them have really helped. Is that because this stuff doesn't matter? Ergh....I don't know. Anyone got any ideas?

 

[pockleberry]

It does matter! Your not making a big deal out of nothing. People who self harm usually do it because they are hurting and if you are having suicidal thoughts as well then I would surgest that you do need to get help. Telling the people around us is sometimes not enough. I would say that a good place to start would be going to see a doctor they can usually help you find the help you need.

I hope you understood that...If you ever wanna talk just pm me

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I guess if I do get help...and sometimes it still doesn't seem like a big deal...but if if I do look for help, I don't know where to go...no one in the churches I've gone to have helped...my only experience with counseling was pretty negative. She was a Christian counselor...a very nice person, but couldn't help me. She didn't know about my cutting. I was just there because of depression..but she said I was only depressed because I was bored and that I was really a "very together young lady" (do "together" young ladies hate and cut themselves?). She just kept giving me the same sermons over and over that I need to have joy in the Lord and God loves me...there's nothing wrong with those messages, but it didn't help- Not to mention that I rarely got to speak for more than a few minutes in our counseling sessions....she did all the talking. Well, she came into the place I work yesterday, and I brought her the food she ordered and said hi, really friendly. She just stared at me with this blank scowl and finally said hi....I'm guessing she didn't remember me or at least hoping she didn't. I don't know...it bothered me though. I also tried meds during that time for my depression and they didn't help...maybe made me worse in some cases. Then I stopped them cold turkey this past fall...which I know you're not supposed to do, but I'd been on them for months and they weren't helping at all, just giving me side effects. Anyway....I don't have a lot of trust in doctors or counselors...or pastors anymore either on this subject.

I just read a book called "Cutting" by Steven Levenkron and it was about cutters going through therapy... I could relate so much to the stories of those people...if I could find a therapist like him, maybe it would help. I don't know where to find anyone though....and the hardest part is that my family doesn't know. I'm on my own in this- finding someone, paying for it...I don't know if it's worth it, or if I can even do it...I don't know of a mental health center...I know about hotlines, but I've never called one...I hate talking on the phone and I'm always scared someone would overhear.

Basically....I don't know if it's worth it to seek help...I don't know if I'm worth it, and I don't know if I can afford it, or even where to look for it.

 

[meh]

...I don't know if I'm worth it,

I don't know much, but I know that you are worth it. You may be confused about that at this time, but you are worth it.

When I was first forced into therapy, I didn't think I was worth it, either. What I did was promise my mother that I would act like I was worth it. I would go on her faith and on God's promise of what He wanted for me. Even when I didn't believe it then, I went for help based on hope of a better day.

I pray you find that hope and you find help. You are worth every ounce of help you can get. You are loved, and you are loved by God.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

My counselor before had a bachelor's I believe. She had training in Cognitive therapy, which she talked to me a bit about. I know she had other clients who SIed, because she told me about them- no specifics of course, but that they were self-harming (which is when she mentioned that it was just a fad) I didn't like the fact that she would talk about her other clients. She delt with people who had depression, anger management problems...I don't know- lots of different things.

I couldn't tell her that I SIed, 'cause she told me before we even started that if she ever heard that I hurt myself or was thinking about hurting myself that she'd tell my parents. My parents don't know...I've been doing it for a year and a half, and part of that time I was home 24-7..my mom has suspected a few times...actually she almost found out a couple weeks ago but I made up a story of how I fell at work and she bought it, or at least didn't say anything to me about it. Anyway though, I don't think my counselor suspected in the slightest that I was hiding anything. I can't connect emotionally to anything that's going on....not cutting...even when I talk about depression I can't be emotional, and I don't have words to describe how I feel....all I can say is the facts. I can't even cry. I don't even know how anymore. I hate it. I wish I could cry. I still don't know what to do, where to go for help...

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Hannah (hug),

Sweetie I wish I could be more help. Often the best people to go to are the ones you wouldnt think of. Have you considered telling a pastor or pastors wife and asking for accountability? I do understand where you are coming from and why you do what you do for the most part, but I can say it is a big deal, just some people think it's something it's not...

 

[devotee]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I guess if I do get help...and sometimes it still doesn't seem like a big deal...but if if I do look for help, I don't know where to go...no one in the churches I've gone to have helped...my only experience with counseling was pretty negative. She was a Christian counselor...a very nice person, but couldn't help me. She didn't know about my cutting. I was just there because of depression..but she said I was only depressed because I was bored and that I was really a "very together young lady" (do "together" young ladies hate and cut themselves?). She just kept giving me the same sermons over and over that I need to have joy in the Lord and God loves me...there's nothing wrong with those messages, but it didn't help- Not to mention that I rarely got to speak for more than a few minutes in our counseling sessions....she did all the talking. Well, she came into the place I work yesterday, and I brought her the food she ordered and said hi, really friendly. She just stared at me with this blank scowl and finally said hi....I'm guessing she didn't remember me or at least hoping she didn't. I don't know...it bothered me though. I also tried meds during that time for my depression and they didn't help...maybe made me worse in some cases. Then I stopped them cold turkey this past fall...which I know you're not supposed to do, but I'd been on them for months and they weren't helping at all, just giving me side effects. Anyway....I don't have a lot of trust in doctors or counselors...or pastors anymore either on this subject.

I just read a book called "Cutting" by Steven Levenkron and it was about cutters going through therapy... I could relate so much to the stories of those people...if I could find a therapist like him, maybe it would help. I don't know where to find anyone though....and the hardest part is that my family doesn't know. I'm on my own in this- finding someone, paying for it...I don't know if it's worth it, or if I can even do it...I don't know of a mental health center...I know about hotlines, but I've never called one...I hate talking on the phone and I'm always scared someone would overhear.

Basically....I don't know if it's worth it to seek help...I don't know if I'm worth it, and I don't know if I can afford it, or even where to look for it.

You are worth it.

You won't know about hotlines unitl you try them. You may not like talking on the phone, but maybe if you emphasise the positives - such as at least there is a hotline.

Your previous counselor sounds selfish. I've met a few of those, more than the unselfish, its why I went to uni and got my psych degree - what a gap there is out there for true empathy.

Sometimes we choose not to choose another option because we are so familiar with our current behaviour - its a safe haven. Hotlines and counselors are the unknown, the unpredictable. Of course you may likely expereince disappointments with counselors and hotlines - this is life. It does not mean that each phonecall, or each counselor will be like those of past expereince. Its about taking repsonsibility for our own well-being, putting our well-being before our fears, and persevering in finding the support we need. It means its ok to walk away from those who don't contribute to a solution. When your searching for diamonds there is usually a lot of digging involved.

I really feel you need to find a counselor you connect with,

take care

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

That's who I tried first...my youth pastor's wife. She wouldn't talk to me for 5 months- not just about that, but hardly a normal conversation either, and then finally she just said that she was glad I stopped and I went along with it, pretending I had stopped because she said she'd have to tell my parents if I was still doing it. I also tried other youth leadership as well as some peers...all to no avail.

 

[pockleberry]

Sounds like you've had some bad experiences I know how that can put you off trying again but I promise there is someone out there who can give you the help you need and deserve. I saw at least three counsellors before I found the one that was right for me so i would really encourage you not to give up on finding someone...

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Cool. Hallee and Hannah are both in this thread.
You two should get to know one another.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Funny you should say that Mr. Cheese- we're friends already

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I'm fighting it, but I don't want to. I wish someone would just be here and hold me, or if I can't have that then that somoene would just tell me it's ok to hurt myself. I want to cry but I can't. I hate me. I never want my family to find out about this. They're so good, so perfect, and they don't deserve for me to be like this. They're too good for me. I don't deserve them. I know they aren't completely perfect of course- no one is...but I have things so good and yet I'm like this. I don't understand.
God, please help me...please God...you're the only one who can. I don't know if there's any other help for me but you. I don't deserve for you to love me. I deserve your hatred, like I hate myself, but you love me anyway. How? I don't understand why. I don't know why I'm like this God. I want to give up. Sometimes I pray that you'll kill me, but you keep me here...I know you have a purpose. You have to have a purpose for me, but Lord, what is it? Will I ever be free of this Lord? Can I ever be happy? Lord, I don't know what to do or what to say or what's going to happen or even how I'll keep on living. All I know is that You are God...and I am not. You created the earth, the heavens, life, and time itself. You are in control of everything and you are in control of me. Please help me.
Amen.

 

[sydney1982]

I just started cutting last month, and at first it really scared me. This week though I am thinking it is not such a big deal. I read everyone's posts that said it is, but why? If it makes me feel better, then why not do it?

 

[superfly]

I just started cutting last month, and at first it really scared me. This week though I am thinking it is not such a big deal. I read everyone's posts that said it is, but why? If it makes me feel better, then why not do it?

hi there sydney1982,

i'm a good friend of Hidden face_Hurting heart, and this is what i have to say about self-injury...

SI is wrong because God doesn't want us hurting ourselves. it's not the right way to deal with what you're going through. God doesn't want you to deal with it like that.

basically what you're doing when you hurt yourself (not even cutting, just hurting) is *replacing* the problem with something else. it's not actually *facing* the problem. God wants us to face our problems, not avoid them. cutting lets you escape from your problems, and doesn't help you face them. cutting in fact only makes it more difficult to face your problems... you can ask anyone who has cut.

if you want to chat some more about it, feel free to send me a private message.

superfly

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