>_< Frustrations From Family...

[OceanGirl]

Okay, so I'm 21 years old in a pretty strict family. I am the oldest daughter and the only one in a relationship. I live at home due to financial reasons. My issue is this...my dad hates the fact that I am dating someone 10 years older than I am. I love my boyfriend very much and believe God had some (if not completely) a part in us getting together. My dad is unmoving on the issue and is not someone you can really contradict. He keeps putting me down about dating someone older with stabbing comments like "he's an old man compared to you" and "when he was your age, you were 11!" It really hurts my feelings that I am not "allowed" to love whomever I choose. It also just hurts my heart and I feel that I will never be able to please my dad and please myself. I just need prayers and guidance. I love my dad very much and have striven my whole life to please him. But I also love my boyfriend very much, no matter how much older than me he is. I am a mature person and would have a hard time being with someone my own age. My boyfriend has been held back a lot in his life and we balance each other out a lot. Please help me find a way to help my dad understand that this is my choice.

 

[OceanGirl]

...

 

[plum]

I was thinking about this situation... and I am torn between submission and respect to your father as your authority (which at this point he really is) and your desire for another man and romantic relationship with him...

I must say I have no special wisdom. I don't think it's right that he make digs or insults or say disrespectful things. that's not what you would need to respect. that's wrong. I'm leaning towards suggesting that, if it's possible, that you talk to your dad one-on-one... myabe go out for coffee or something... and you ask him what might be worrying him or angering him about your dating situation. if he can tell you what the root of his attitude is (and I hope he can)... then perhaps it will be easier to address his concerns head-on in a respectful, strong manner.

 

[klynnmiller]

Until you move out of your parent's house, you are still under your father's care and submissive to him. I would try talking with him, but you have to be very mature about it and do not do anything that would make you look less than adult-like.

If he still has an issue with it, you should obey his wishes. If you don't want to do that, than find a way to move out. If you want to make adult decisions, than you have to be an adult. I know what it's like living under your parents roof and being an adult, but really, until you are living on your own, your parents are always going to see you as their child. If you want to make your own decisions, live under your own roof.

Keeping you in my prayers!

 

[bliz]

Move out.

Really - that's your only option. Your Dad's behavior is quite childish but you are not going to be able to change him. So, learn to live with this nonsense, or move out.

 

[peanutbutter12]

I have to agree with the first two people. You need to have a heart to heart with your dad. What would be worse is if it gets to the point where it causes a permanent barrier between you and your family because of a relationship. I highly doubt that God would put you with someone, only to cause issues between the people you're suppose to respect the most, and I think that's one thing that a lot of people miss when they make their decision to date someone whom their parents dislike. I think you need to get to the root of the problem and really discuss the matter at length so you guys can sort the issue before it becomes too late.

CJ

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I just about cringe when I hear people say that "God brought us together, etc." I had that God experience a year ago, but it ended in heartbreak. You can't let go of common sense, values, and listening to those you love and know you the best.

My ex-h was 13 years older than me, but acted like he was younger. It wasn't a good thing. At 40 I'm still concerned about a 10 year difference with my SO, and you should at least consider possible issues.

 

[OceanGirl]

I just about cringe when I hear people say that "God brought us together, etc." I had that God experience a year ago, but it ended in heartbreak. You can't let go of common sense, values, and listening to those you love and know you the best.

My ex-h was 13 years older than me, but acted like he was younger. It wasn't a good thing. At 40 I'm still concerned about a 10 year difference with my SO, and you should at least consider possible issues.

All people are different.

 

[peanutbutter12]

All people are different.

But God can only open doors for us. We have to be willing to walk through. In the case of relationships, there is no single one person that God has for us in mind, however, he can introduce us to people. From there it's all us.

CJ

 

[sherri]

Which I totally disagree with (which with you doesn't happen that often actually).

I belive that since God knows us better then we know ourselves, knows how he formed us in our mothers wombs and knows the plans he has for our lives, he can certainly know who will be the best person for us to marry. He's also perfectly capable fo bringing that person to us.

God does bring people together. I've seen it happen enough times. And yeah, sure that doesn't mean they'll have a perfect marriage (or even an easy marriage if they have issues they need to work through) but he definatly does if he ask him and trust him. I know plenty of Godly couples who have done that.

And yes, we can believe that "God" brought whatever b/f or g/f we have at the time into our lives and we can believe it from the bottom of our hearts (been there, done that, got the heartache) but unfortunatly that doesn't mean we were right. We can all make mistakes. (Especially when you ignore some big flashing warning lights like I did because I was so sure.)

But just because we make a mistake once doesn't mean God doesn't do it or won't do it.

And as for the OP - is age really the only thing your dad is concerned about. Because age (when it's only 10 years) seems kind of a strange thing to write off a relationship over. Especially when it's the guy. That just seems a bit weird to me

 

[klynnmiller]

And as for the OP - is age really the only thing your dad is concerned about. Because age (when it's only 10 years) seems kind of a strange thing to write off a relationship over. Especially when it's the guy. That just seems a bit weird to me

I agree with you, Sherri. I think there's so much more going on here than we know. What the older guy like? Is he a stable individual, financially and mentally? There are good reasons why your father has concerns and I think the OP needs to try to understand them first. And if she still doesn't agree, then move out.

 

[OceanGirl]

Okay, you guys...I said I was financially unable to move out. So PLEASE, PLEASE read before posting things like that. I made that clear. So, let's discuss a different solution. My dad doesn't not permit me to go out, he just doesn't agree with the age difference. My boyfriend is financially and mentally stable. He is a Christian and a very good person. My dad just thinks he is too old for me.

 

[klynnmiller]

I read the financially unable part, but I know for a fact that if one truly wants something there is always a way. I am a single mom with 2 children, and I am disabled. I get NO help at all, so if I can live on my own, I'm sure you could find a way somewhere. I'm not accusing you of anything. As a mother of a teenager (I know you are a little older), I just feel that there may be underlying reasons for your father's reluctance that you are not totally aware of. Parents always have a reason for saying the things they say. We're not just trying to make things impossible for our children. I think you really need to have a heart-to-heart with your father and find out his concerns and come to some kind of compromising agreement. If you can't and you still want to date this man, than move out!

Again, I will pray for you, and I know you think I'm being rude, but I am looking at this from a parent's perspective. So please understand. I think you are too close to the situation to see this through anyone's eyes but your own right now. And a 10 year age difference is a big one. Ten years is alot of time to gain life experiences that you, who is still living at home, do not have. I don't think this is so much an "age" thing as it is an "experience" thing. Have you ever had to choose between paying your gas bill or getting groceries?

 

[krispar]

I sometimes think parents don't view their kids as people. Even at 21. And I know sometimes you just can't move out, there are other situations, not everyone is the same. Then parents wonder why their kids leave in a huff or get mad easily or on the other end, never move out. Tell your dad he's hurting you and you believe God did this, he might not listen, but knowing you told him should make you feel better anyway.

 

[klynnmiller]

Most parents have been with their children since birth, been through all the firsts (first steps, first dates, etc.) and also have been through all their disappointments (not making cheerleading, etc.). As parents, we usually know how our children will react to various situations. If fact, besides God, we tend to know our children better than anyone. If your father has reserves about your new man, there usually is more than just one reason, even if it's only one reason he can point to. Sometimes it may be just a feeling that he cannot put into words. What I'm saying mostly is that you need to have a mature conversation with your father about his reservations of this man you like so much. You have to be calm and collected and have an adjenda about where and how you want the conversation to be directed. Above all, you CANNOT get emotional!!! Being emotional will make you look like a child to him, and that's NOT the picture you want to project to him.

I don't know you, and I can't say whether you are mature or not, but still living under your parents roof at 21 doesn't exactly show a huge sign of maturity. I know how I was at 21, and I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing. Shows how much I knew! I don't know if this is your case or not, but you really don't give us as readers of your post a whole lot to go on. That's one reason I'm leaning on the side that I'm not sure if you really know all that you are getting into. Are you living at home while you are putting yourself through school? I guess this whole being "financially unable" just gets to me a little. Even though I "knew everything" at 21, I was still putting myself through school (18 credit hours), waiting on tables and also raising my then 3 year old daughter on my own, all in my own apartment. I guess I just don't know your situation, but I do know what is possible, even when it seems impossible. Still praing for you though, that God will search your heart and let you know the next steps to take. I know that you need the opportunity to learn on your own, even if that means making your own successes or mistakes. It's just easier to make your own successes and mistakes when your parents aren't right there to critique every move. I know this is about you wanting your father's approval with the man that you've chosen to date, but you have to also realize that you don't need your parents approval on everything you do. Ultimately, you are the only one who has to deal with the choices you make. But as parents, we always want to save our children from anything that may turn painful. This is about your father loving you, not about him trying to be irrational. Much love!

Your sister in Christ,

K Lynn

 

[Rebekka]

I can't see from here how mature you are and how compatible you two are, but I agree with the others that if you want to continue with this man you should try to move out as soon as you possibly can. I am married to a man 10 years older than me, and it works wonderfully, but when I met him I had been living on my own for several years, which made me more mature than if I had still been living at my parents' place (and age matured me too - I was 27 when I met my husband).

I do think that you can learn lots of things by living on your own. And if that's not possible in the near future, then you need not give up on this man, but I would not advise you to marry him if your parents - or at least one parent - is against it. If age is the only thing your father has against him, that's not very substantial because age is just a number, and if you two are alike in maturity (which you might or might not be, I can't see that - but the living on your own thing has something to do with it) and you truly love each other then I don't see a problem.

But as others have said, maybe your dad has other objections than age, deep down, and I think you should find out if that's the case. And listen to his reasons, because parents have the best interest in mind for their children and he loves you and wants you to be happy, which includes protecting you from harm. Maybe he feas that this man will be a bad match, that he will make you unhappy.

If that's not the case and it's really just about age, then your dad should respect you and try - however difficult that may be for parents who will almost always see their children as children, as not mature enough - to treat you as an adult. This doesn not mean that he has no right to be against it - but you are no longer bound to obey your dad at 21, if you no longer live under his roof. So that's where the moving out comes in.

 

[OceanGirl]

Thanks for your responses. Posting more about this will only confuse and it would be long winded. So I suppose I shall leave you to your own devices about what sort of a person I am. Just remember where assuming gets you. Being mature and moving out do not always go hand in hand. I know numerous people my age who live on their own who are so childish it is painful to watch.

 

[klynnmiller]

You have now just revealed yourself more than you know. I never said I was a better human being. I merely had no choice but to try harder. I never stated you were in a lower class, you said that on your own. Some people work 2 jobs to make ends meet, even at $8 an hour. Are you willing to work hard to be on your own, or just complain about the present situation? As far as having a 3 year old at 21, I never said I was perfect, I had no choice but to work well with any situations that I may have put myself in. I didn't have the luxury of having a godly household to grow up in, nor did I have a wonderful father that would voice his direction for me to help me avoid making mistakes. You should consider yourself very fortunate, instead of complaining about your situation.

 

[Angeldove97]

I'm getting issues from my Mom (my Dad, believe it or not is staying out of the business until Sean actually needs to talk to him... but Dad at least acknowledges his presence when he's around with a Hi Sean, how are you?) and it's not making want to break up with Sean, it's making me want to push away my Mom.

No, I don't have the option to move out. I'm going to school full-time and parents are paying for college. I'm first generation American, so we still have alot of Tradition I can't go against... to have a single lady move out on her own is sorta odd (to my parents and even to me). If after college I don't get married right away, my older sister and I could possibly get a place together, but even that's a maybe.

And it's not because of age, race, sex, education, job, religion, or anything else.... it's physical. My Mom doesn't want me dating Sean and one day marrying him because she can't get over the fact he's shorter than me. I'm a tall girl.. 6' and Sean's about 5'8" or so... so not a HUGE difference, but Mom thinks it's wrong to have the husband be shorter than the wife. I think it's time she woke up!

And here's my proof on why I know this is the case (other than her flat out telling me):

Mom was THRILLED when a guy who's alot taller than my sister and I started showing interest in my sister. The guy has only finished high school and for the last four years has been pushing carriages at Wal*Mart (no offense to any of you who do this job, I'm trying to prove my point).

Sean is getting a college education to become a physics teacher and was at the time when this was all going on, an Assistant Manager at Sears.

Yet Mom would have died if Svet (my sister) went out with that guy. So Mom is doing her best to try to destroy my relationship with Sean... setting me up with other guys, repeatedly asking me about this friend of mine she really likes for me (it's making me not want to ever see him again now ), and just making life hellish for me.

Age doesn't matter... it's the person. Sorry for butting in with my own problem, but I know how it feels Hun.