5 Days married and I'm already thinking me and my husband just shouldn't talk..

[ImNewToThis]

I just got married on the 1st and I already (or better yet, still) don't like the man I married.

He is selfish, self-righteous (why, I have no idea) and backwards, I have honestly married a fool.

He believes in these strange and false teachings like "black hebrews" and Cain being the seed of the devil, not figuratively but literally, he's read the book of enoch and all of these other books and didn't even know the very basic of his professed faith, the greatest command, love. I bring to him scripture that undoubtedly should clear that nonsense right up, and it angers him. The "black hebrews" say that black americans are the REAL chosen people because of the curse in Deuteronomy, I show him how God says he will forgive and forgave Israel for their rebellion in Jeremiah 30, Isaiah 45, and Hebrews 8 along with many others, to show him how this theory is silly and unfounded. He tells me, well you should ask so-and-so about these scriptures, if she can't refute them, then I might re-examine this. He'd rather hear what some crazy woman says over his wife and more so, the word because I don't know anything unless I find it in the scripture.

He says "I'm tired of you always contradicting everything" but it's not my fault his friends and these crazy people he follows are all wrong.

I only care because I love him. I'm not trying to change the thoughts of all these people, it would be nice, but I'm not trying. I'm only trying to show him the truth, but every time, he gets angry and shuts me down and in turn will contradict EVERYTHING I say.

I'm trying to stop showing him everything I read that discounts his beliefs, but every time I read my bible just to strengthen my faith, a scripture will pop in my head and I'll go there, just wondering what that is about, and lo and behold, it will be something else that speaks against what he has built this "knowledge" of. He ask me why I always bring my contradictions and beliefs to him and I told him it's because he is my friend. Or so I thought.

I don't know what to do and I sincerely want advice. Even when I speak on the new things God is showing me, he seems most uninterested. I think I should just stop speaking on God all together, but if I do that, I probably won't have much to say to him at all because right now, this is pretty much all that stays on my mind. I wake up reading the bible and praying, I go to sleep reading the bible and praying and this is the only thing that has kept me from feeling like dying, like I felt before I started pressing into God and it's important for me to not be too depressed or stressed because I'm pregnant. What should I do?

 

[OnlyBelieve]

Sweet,
I know what you're going through, been there. My husband was unsaved when I married him. Didn't like anything to do with it....I decided not to say anything, if he asked, I answered. What did I do? PRAY< PRAY,PRAY,PRAY,PRAY. 9MONTHS after we were married and 4 years after we were together, He GAVE HIS LIFE TO GOD. I lived my life the best I could be, study scripture and know that Jesus can fulfill us the way a man NEVER will. Hang onto him, Keep the Faith, Be alight in the Dark, live by example but don't push. and PRAY< get Everyone Praying, start a prayer thread too. Ask your friends, pastors etc. And pray God gives You wisdom and Guidance.
Marriage is a HARD road. It is not a destination, but a journey. Love is A CHOICE, not a feeling, action, or mood. Choose to Love Him, everyday. Put YOUr HAPPY PANTS on.
God will bring him in. CLAIM Scripture when praying, find all the scripture and STAND on it.
I'll be praying for you Dearest.
I hope this helps a little
Congrats on the Baby, don't stress, GIVE IT TO JESUS, he's BIG enough to sort it all out.
by the way, my husband is not only saved, he's a preacher now and he's an evangelist, he takes Jesus to some of the darkest places you can think of...

 

[parsley]

First off, remember that both of you are going through the stress of OMGWHATDIDIJUSTDO! That means he's a little edgy, and you're a little edgy, and you're making each other edgy. It will settle after you get used to it.

You don't need to agree with each other. Let him read and talk about his explorations in odd theories, and eventually he will read himself out of the logic. (We hope.) If you ignore the theories, he will not need to prove anything to you. It sounds like he is enjoying unique theories, just for the sake of finding something unique. Like cave spelunking.

Is he connected with "The Church of God and Saints of Christ"?
Or do any of these sound familiar....
Nation of Yahweh
Israelite Church of God in Jesus Christ
Nation of Islam (Farrakhan)

Some of these groups divide society religiously and racially, with a self-righteousness like you describe.

Also -- Do you think this might have anything to do with Eddie Long's recent offensive use of the Torah?

Erm... congratulations btw! On both counts.

 

[Humble Pie]

^^^ I don't know, it sounds like he's into some really wierd stuff.

 

[drjean]

Ok. Sounds like you really don't know him. Who did you fall in love with anyway? What about him made you marry him?

No, this attitude is not normal for newlyweds in love. He sounds controlling and abusive.... but that's a preliminary guess. Now that's he got you, he's showing who he really is and can't be bothered with you and what interests you... and what's with "I'm tired of you contradicting me " comment???? Tired of you ???

Honey, I'd get out away from him now...physically not be together at least for the time being until you realize just what kind of a man you have married...and before you can't easily annul this marriage. His response to your need to live alone for a few days to think things over may very well prove to you who he is... whether he thinks he owns you now or he just needed jolting awake!

You don't lose your rights just because you married someone.

 

[parsley]

And yes, an annulment is an option too. There's a twinge of other-religion in there, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. Ask him what church he wants your children to grow up in, and you might get your answer. I have heard women tell of men who were sweet and understanding until the marriage, after which new (non-Christian) religious mandates came down on them.

 

[OnlyBelieve]

Maybe the Spirit in Him is rising against the Spirit in You. Now you are married and obviously YOU are the Spiritual head of the home because, he seems to have lost his way, you can take authority over anything controling him, get into that Word and find the scriptures. The Lord will help you, He always does.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

So...why did you marry him?

 

[BFine]

Some husbands may not obey God's word. Their wives could win these men [for Christ] by the way they live without saying anything.

Submit this matter to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to reveal truth to your husband
and unveil his eyes that have been blinded by other philosophies.

Connect yourself to other mature godly women and have them praying fervently for your husband and your marriage.

Live out your faith (quietly) before him each day. Arguing/debating with him
will not make him "see" the truth of God's Word.

The man you married didn't change in 5 days...he believed what he believed
prior to marriage and you becoming pregnant.

Refrain from debating with your husband...when you feel the need to show
him something about his flawed belief...submit yourself to God in prayer
and ask him to work in your marriage and in both of your hearts.

 

[wayfaring man]

Once a marriage is consummated annulments due to incompatibility are not scripturally sound...but that doesn't mean that for "the right price", some long robed dude won't whip one up for you...but it won't be in harmony with Scripture.

I've heard that some folk radically change for the worse after marriage, but like OnlyBelieve posted, we can pray, and pray, and pray, and The Lord can bring the direly needed change we seek in a miraculous way !

Arguing seldom settles anything. Avoid it, and focus more on being prayerful and supportive wherever your conscience allows.

You're apparently having a child with this man, which means for the child's sake also there needs to be a healthy rapport between both parents...or things can easily go from bad to worse. Don't give in to the temptation to "write him off", as a fool, or a loser...remember what Jesus said about the way we judge others....that is how we ourselves will be judged.

And May The Lord Grant Peace and Good Counsel in our hearts and minds, to The Glory of God. Amen.

wm

 

[Bella Vita]

You fur sure should have married someone with the same beliefs as you. But you didn't and now it might be a struggle.

My husband and I are going through Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll it has been amazing for our marriage I really recommend it. Marriage is not easy but you are in for the long haul now. Seek counseling if you need it do whatever you have to but divorce should not be an option. Communication is the key and believe it or not there is a right and wrong way to fight.

Good Luck =]

 

[znr]

Oh come ON!

 

[Jupiter Drops]

I don't even know how you got married to this man.

To me, love is important, but so is being right with God the most.


Well, it's only the beginning... I really don't know what to say. However, I do hope that you keep on praying for your husband. Pray that he gets out of those false and strange teachings and come back to God. And try to sweetly convince him to go to church with you. Tell him how you feel. I just hope that he's not an abusive husband...

Husbands should submit to wives, but so should wives. Examine why he won't listen to you. Does it stem from insecurity or ignorance? Go seek help from a counselor or a pastor. Seek some advice from trustworthy women.

Believe me, some men just don't know how to listen. He has to be willing and have great respect toward you.

Do everything you can to keep this marriage together. And if nothing works out even if you tried absolutely EVERYTHING, the only option is divorce. At that point, it will be okay by the standards. But for now, pull it altogether. It's going to be tough, and it might be tougher since you're pregnant, but take it easy. I'll pray for you.

 

[ImNewToThis]

Thank you all for your advice and I will take this to God in prayer and leave him alone about it. I have been arguing him down about this and he has become very tired of it, so obviously it's not the right way.

He's not a bad man, just very hard to live with, he's stubborn and arrogant and hot-headed. I did know of SOME of these beliefs before marriage, but honestly, at the time we were engaged, I wasn't too concerned with seeking God myself, so his beliefs didn't matter much to me. Now that this relationship has driven me to God, I think more about the home i want my child to grow up in and I guess the thought of him teaching this to my child troubled me the most. I was foolish to rush into something so quickly and I did it all wrong, but what's done is done and like you all said, praying to God and asking others who are strong in their faith seems like the wisest thing to do. Everything I knew got me into this mess so I think right now it's best that I stop trying to do anything in my own strength, fix what's wrong with me and take everything else to God.

I really appreciate what everyone has said.

and no, he's not a member of any strange religions, he doesn't have the discipline to be. He's just a man who sought out knowledge before he sought out God. He's tampered in things and been exposed to things that has him so crossed up it's unreal. And I get to work through the mess I've made for myself. But as my mom said, God usually uses the impossible times in our lives to bring us to him, he works in impossibles.

 

[parsley]

and no, he's not a member of any strange religions, he doesn't have the discipline to be.

(-;
Okay then, if you have established that you're in a relatively safe zone with his faith, then step back and allow him to think differently from you. Even though the two become one, no one really wants to become something different, or become a clone, in a marriage. It is not healthy for two people to completely agree.

Faith is a personal belief system. Each person in the world relates to God a little differently, and is convinced of different faith precepts. The Body of Christ only functions in balance when we recognize our differences and make use of each others' differences.

We don't know the extent of how far out there he gets, but say for instance he is worried about asteroids and nephalim, while you are making sure the Sunday school kids have teachers. Maybe in your mind, too many people have their head in the clouds and just need to DO Christianity. That would be your (example) specialty, talents and giftings, passions and position within the Body.

Then say, for example, that another person is consumed with the topic of worship, or end times, or reaching the city for revival... God has crafted and called them for something different. People get motivated and inspired in their own areas. Sometimes we all go overboard in curiosity or odd angles of the areas we're interested in. How odd is too odd?

In a marriage, you ARE going to have different passions and interests. You are going to want to spend money on different things. This will be a continual difference that will need attention, or one person will feel disrespected and trampled while the other wonders why their decisions weren't supported.

If you think his beliefs are not dangerous to you or your future child, then let it rest. Tell him what you had hoped for or pictured in how you'd relate spiritually, but accept that might not have been his expectation. If a person can't explore different topics
and read on new concepts, then they have an existence that will never be refreshed or have goals. He wants to share them with you, and you don't want to hear them -- maybe he needs a separate Bible study with some friends who love those topics.
(As long as it's not a militant subversive group.)

Marriage puts the two of you in the same box, in other people's perceptions. There will be times you're embarrassed to pieces over what people see in him, and they will assume you're in the same boat. There will be times he puts you at risk over his decisions. And vice-versa. Find a way to live with each other and appreciate each others' differences. Something different about him drew him to you in the first place.

 

[StoneWater]

Sounds like true love that you got married despite your differences.

He must be a real charmer to get away with that much.

 

[homeofmew]

Then don't talk about faith if you have contraindicating faith.
Leave it at you don't want to agree with him but you don't it ruining the marriage.

Sounds both of you need to be right about something in this matter the insanity of what he believes, and you have this hes "selfish thing". Many men have this "the women's place is in the kitchen" and their job is to "work".

What men don't get is women are emotional more then they are and all the drama seems to get to us at times.

 

[gideon123]

By the way - I have to agree that he's got some fairly weird beliefs. But truthfully ... most husbands do something that's pretty weird. I should know ... cause i am one of them. It's rare for men to live perfectly balanced lives. Nearly always we are going off the deep end about something. Wives have to put up with a fair amount of bizarre behavior during their marriages.

The real question is whether any of this stuff is serious ... or just a passing fad. You need to give it time to find out. You are going to have to decide if this will really affect you deeply (i.e. you just can't live with this), or it's something that ultimately is not a big deal.

Be patient. Pray a lot.
Keep your sense of humor

Gideon123

 

[Arglez]

Thank you all for your advice and I will take this to God in prayer and leave him alone about it. I have been arguing him down about this and he has become very tired of it, so obviously it's not the right way.

He's not a bad man, just very hard to live with, he's stubborn and arrogant and hot-headed. I did know of SOME of these beliefs before marriage, but honestly, at the time we were engaged, I wasn't too concerned with seeking God myself, so his beliefs didn't matter much to me. Now that this relationship has driven me to God, I think more about the home i want my child to grow up in and I guess the thought of him teaching this to my child troubled me the most. I was foolish to rush into something so quickly and I did it all wrong, but what's done is done and like you all said, praying to God and asking others who are strong in their faith seems like the wisest thing to do. Everything I knew got me into this mess so I think right now it's best that I stop trying to do anything in my own strength, fix what's wrong with me and take everything else to God.

I really appreciate what everyone has said.

and no, he's not a member of any strange religions, he doesn't have the discipline to be. He's just a man who sought out knowledge before he sought out God. He's tampered in things and been exposed to things that has him so crossed up it's unreal. And I get to work through the mess I've made for myself. But as my mom said, God usually uses the impossible times in our lives to bring us to him, he works in impossibles.

Yeah, I would say just pray. Knowing men, having a woman trying to convince them of something (especially something as big as faith) will only drive him further away from where you want him to be. Just love him like crazy. Forgive him like crazy. It will be hard. You'll have to rely on Jesus and good women (get into a good community!!), but loving him will do so much more than trying to convince him (which you already know). I'm glad you realize that this isn't your problem to fix. It most certainly is God's situation to redeem. He loves you. Trust him.

I love you! Praying for you, sister.

 

[powerpoint]

I can't promise I won't be harsh, bit I will be honest and this will be done in an attitude of love.

I just got married on the 1st and I already (or better yet, still) don't like the man I married.

"Better yet still don't"? Really? Why did you marry the guy in the first place if you didn't like him? I mean, come on. Either this is hyperbole and you are greatly exaggerating your feelings at this point or you havn't entered into this prayerfully and gone into marriage lightly. Did you have any form of pre marrital councelling?

He is selfish, self-righteous (why, I have no idea) and backwards, I have honestly married a fool.

Mark 12:31 says "Love your neighbour". What part of what you have just said is honouring, loving or eddifying to your Husband? Do you acknowledge that you need to take some degree of blame/responsibility for whats happened? 1 Peter 3 says to wives "Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior". What part of how you think or talk about your husband is Godly or Pure? None of it is.

He believes in these strange and false teachings like "black hebrews" and Cain being the seed of the devil, not figuratively but literally, he's read the book of enoch and all of these other books

Ok, so basically the guy has a different theological understanding to you based on stuff thats outside of scripture? Fair enough. But why is this a suprise 5 days into marriage? You honestly can't expect people to believe he just came out with this stuff on Honeymoon?

and didn't even know the very basic of his professed faith, the greatest command, love.

Which would include love towards your husband.

I bring to him scripture that undoubtedly should clear that nonsense right up, and it angers him. The "black hebrews" say that black americans are the REAL chosen people because of the curse in Deuteronomy, I show him how God says he will forgive and forgave Israel for their rebellion in Jeremiah 30, Isaiah 45, and Hebrews 8 along with many others,

It sounds, frankly, like you have both made idols of your own theology and are putting this ahead of your marriage and your vows to one another. So what if he believes something you don't agree with? Do you HAVE to be right? Do you HAVE to have the same theology?

Luke 17 sees Jesus crucified. He says to a thief on His right "today you will be with me in paradise". Thats it. The thief didn't know anything about eccumenicalism, or black hebrews or whatever other crap we think is so important. He saw Jesus as lord, thats it. If Jesus could love someone who didn't have a well developed theology, whats stopping you? Yes, its important that he knows the truth, but you cannot force him to see it by battering him around the head with it. You can do what Jesus did, and be salt and light, model how the truth should look. But insisting you are right is not Godly, its not loving.

to show him how this theory is silly and unfounded. He tells me, well you should ask so-and-so about these scriptures, if she can't refute them, then I might re-examine this. He'd rather hear what some crazy woman says over his wife and more so, the word because I don't know anything unless I find it in the scripture.

If you don't know anything outside of the scripture, maybe you know Ephesians 5:33:

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
​

You don't seem to respect your husband. Look at the wording you are using:

• Silly
• Unfounded
• Crazy
• Strange
• Selfish
• Self-Richeous
• Backwards

Is your need to be correct worth stomping all over your husbands dignity?


I'll share a secret with you, and I say this as someone who specialises in men's ministry. Most men will not react well to direct challenges and controntational approaches to their beliefs or behaviour. I don't know your husband from a can of paint, but I'm guessing he's probably fairly insecure, he probably feels under pressure like most guys I know. Your role is to build him up. and you can do that by encouraging him to look at other viewpoints. But when you insist that you are correct and that he is wrong, recognise it for what it is. It is not loving, it is not loving, it is taking a man and tearing him down.

He says "I'm tired of you always contradicting everything" but it's not my fault his friends and these crazy people he follows are all wrong.

Also, arrogance and insisting you are correct does you no favours. You are elevating yourself above him and undermining him when you do this.

I only care because I love him.

Really? But didn't you just say "I have honestly married a fool". I think you are confused. You need to make a decision, do you love this man or not? If so, then love him, respect him and stop talking about him in such a horrible manner.

1 Corinthians 13 4-6 says

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. "
​

Your love seems not to be patient as you are wanting to dominate him theologically. Your love seems to be proud of its theological understanding. Your love is incredibly dishonouring through what you are saying. Although your love is rejoicing in truth, it is not rejoicing in truth for the right reasons. It certainly does not protect him and his heart, and is stopping persevering after 5 days.

I'm not trying to change the thoughts of all these people, it would be nice, but I'm not trying. I'm only trying to show him the truth, but every time, he gets angry and shuts me down and in turn will contradict EVERYTHING I say.

Perhaps because he has had to resort to this to protect himself. Did he do this at the start of your relationship, or has he become defencive because he believes his beliefs will be constantly attacked?

I'm trying to stop showing him everything I read that discounts his beliefs,

Stop it!! You don't have to be right about everything.

but every time I read my bible just to strengthen my faith, a scripture will pop in my head and I'll go there, just wondering what that is about, and lo and behold, it will be something else that speaks against what he has built this "knowledge" of.

But that still isn't a reason to batter him around the head with it.

He ask me why I always bring my contradictions and beliefs to him and I told him it's because he is my friend. Or so I thought.

Is this really how you treat a friend? Contradicting someone constantly is not friendship, it is horriffic.

I don't know what to do and I sincerely want advice. Even when I speak on the new things God is showing me, he seems most uninterested.

Probably because he thinks its going to lead to another argument about theology that, whilst interesting, means nothing.

What should I do?

I think you need to do the following

• Apologise to him
• repent of how you have spoken about him to others and how you have treated him.
• Lead your husband by example through how you live, not what you think. No one was ever won over by arguing.
• Focus on being a mum.