40 and Divorced - Starting Life Over Again

[nick garai]

Hi everyone. I am recently divorced. My ex-wife was a gentile so it was not a Christian break-up. She divorced me. She had an affair on me and then went ahead with the divorce paperwork.

How do you start again? I want to get re-married however the betrayal of my wife is like a dark cloud that hangs over my head. Anyone have any advice or suggestions? I am not getting any younger.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Shabbat Shalom, Nick.

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

When you say Gentile, do you mean non believer? Either way from just what you've written your spouse committed adultery, and abandoned you. If she is not a Christian then 1 Corinthian 7:12-15 applies (namely verse 15). The teachings state that from verse 15 you are not bound to your marriage if she (a non believer) chooses to leave.

Have you spoken with your minister/Messianic Rabbi about this yet? It might be worth getting them to counsel you regarding such a difficult time. Keeping you lifted in prayer.

 

[nick garai]

Shabbat Shalom, Nick.

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

When you say Gentile, do you mean non believer? Either way from just what you've written your spouse committed adultery, and abandoned you. If she is not a Christian then 1 Corinthian 7:12-15 applies (namely verse 15). The teachings state that from verse 15 you are not bound to your marriage if she (a non believer) chooses to leave.

Yes she was a non-believer.

 

[Bridgit]

Sorry about the divorce. God is a God of new starts. Go with His strength and love. He will guide you. Trust Him and be blessed.

A Christian gentile

 

[samarinka]

Can't even imagine how you feel. Particularly if you'd been trying your best to be a great Christian husband, and that is what you got in return. The challenges, I think, will be first to learn to love alone and not consider yourself as part of a unit. Secondly to take the step and start dating. Probably the experience will be quite different from the first time around you did it.

Do you have any children and what is the custody / visitation situation?

I just never married, got hurt a few times and started to feel that it might not be worth it. I had my career and friends.

But I suddenly changed my mind a couple of months ago when I turned 40, and am suddenly in the same situation as those who divorced and want to start over.

On the positive side for me, I'm all committed to how a Christian relationship should work and would not make the mistakes of somebody in their 20s.

50% of Christian marriages fail, I believe, so you are in good company.

There is a woman out there who will love you and be your Christian best friend and spouse for the rest of your life. For sure! You just have to go through this hard time in your life first.

 

[nick garai]

I lost custody of my children to her so I have no visitation right.

 

[samarinka]

That's terrible! How could you lose custody and visitation if you were the abandoned spouse? Did you do something the court disapproves of (not judging you..!) or are they completely mad? Everyone knows children needs the father to be emotionally healthy.
This is very odd..

 

[Messy]

I lost custody of my children to her so I have no visitation right.

Don't give up. I lost custody and my son was 3 months old then. I did a suicide attempt and went to a mental hospital after it, so I didn't have a chance in court. God gave them back after 6 months, we co-parent now, which is a miracle. I phoned him and asked him to forgive me for what I did to him.

 

[PassionateOne]

.
How do you start again? I want to get re-married however the betrayal of my wife is like a dark cloud that hangs over my head. Anyone have any advice or suggestions? I am not getting any younger.

Hi Nick!

Well, it's not easy to start over again. You just need to find a 'new normal' and be involved with things that you enjoy doing, then you may come across a gal that likes doing the same things.

My X cheated on me, all thru our marriage. I had people tell me things, but I didn't believe them, until after 5 years, I had enough. We have a daughter, who was 4 at the time. It was tough for me to start over with a young child! I, basically, focused on her to make life stable for her and I stayed single for 7 years (was so devastated, by my divorce, I didn't even look at another man! Just wasn't interested on being cheated on again.)

Then came across an old friend from high school (on facebook) and he & I had similar stories, we both stayed single, thru the years.... and we just learned to love again (with each other). Today, he is not only my love, but best friend too!

Don't let what happened define you and your life. You will find love again and someone who suits (sp?) you better.
Prayers for peace!

 

[HannahT]

With all due respect it sounds like - if true of course - he needs some help so he can have a healthy relationship with someone else. I honestly don't see the purpose of posting the legal stuff, because you can't force a person to face things if they don't wish to. There are options to help with the disorders, but if you don't life can haunt you in other types of circumstances. Problems will continue in other words. Learning to deal with the disorders, and live in a healthy manner with them is the best thing he could do - for himself first and foremost...and then for his future partner.

Praying....

 

[PassionateOne]

With all due respect it sounds like - if true of course - he needs some help so he can have a healthy relationship with someone else. I honestly don't see the purpose of posting the legal stuff, because you can't force a person to face things if they don't wish to. There are options to help with the disorders, but if you don't life can haunt you in other types of circumstances. Problems will continue in other words. Learning to deal with the disorders, and live in a healthy manner with them is the best thing he could do - for himself first and foremost...and then for his future partner.

Praying....

Totally agree with getting help....but maybe he has been on that path already for help himself?

IMO, it is totally uncalled for and uncool to follow this guy around and post this legal stuff! Obviously, all this bad stuff happened 6 years ago? The person who posted it, needs to GET A LIFE for themselves and get help for themselves, as well to get past it.

And I pray for all who were involved to find healing in their own lives and move on with their own lives and find some sort of peace.

It's VERY sad when people get stuck in the past.

 

[HannahT]

I agree it is tasteless to follow someone around like that.

On the other hand, sadly I didn't see any recognition of what happened in what he said either. He mentioned she committed adultery, and left to live with another man. His disorder could have played a part in the breakdown of the relationship, and acknowledging that in no way justifies her actions.

He may have lost custody due to his behavior/disorder as well, and with progress being documented...those custody changes can happen. With how narrow the court system tends to view things? No doubt they want to make sure he is not a danger to them. I highly doubt he would stab them as well in anger, but that is NOT how the court system views it.

Yes, I also pray for peace for all involved.

 

[Messy]

AnonymousArmy, do you ever think about your kids?
My ex wanted to have them for himself, because he thought I was insane, but he noticed they missed their mommy and that I was able to care for them, with help at first.

 

[guidemethru]

Hi I'm not divorced but I am going through a separation. My husband is also a non-believer and as such refused to change his ways for anyone, especially for me. I encouraged him to come to church with me to learn to be a better husband as I learned to be a good wife. He refused saying and reminds me everyday that he is a proud atheist. He has done many immoral things and lacks integrity in himself and our marriage.

I'm not sure this will help but after being married for 15 years to such a man, I am determined that my next relationship will be with a Christian.
He may have hurt me in ways I sometimes think I will never rebound from, but I have faith that God will guide me to a true Christian with values, morals and integrity. I know my (soon to be ex)husband cannot win against God. I will prevail and will have just as much integrity in my next relationship.

Hold your head up high. Don't let your ex-wife change who you are. If you were a trusting person before, remain that person.