2 year old son is just straight up mean to us sometimes

[FullQuiver]

Hello, just wanted to post on here and get some thoughts and ideas. I have a 2 year old son that is just... mean. I mean he can be really sweet too, but it doesn’t take much to set him off. He will tell my wife and I that he doesn’t love us, when we tell him that we love him after disciplining him. We do spankings, but are open to other approaches, because spankings don’t seem to have much of an effect. I mean he’s definitely scared of them and begs not to get one (they are very mild spankings), but it doesn’t seem to factor into his thought process when he’s acting out. My daughter, his older sister, was just not like this at all. He’ll hit us and be belligerent and blatantly defiant.

Is this just kind of status quo with toddler boys, or is there some way to correct the behavior? Like I said, he can be a real sweetheart too, but I kind of feel like we have to walk on egg shells with him. We have a new born also, so sometimes, I’ll admit lately, we just appease him for some peace and quiet and sometimes that’s at the expense of our other kids which I know is not ideal.

Curious how some others on here dealt with difficult toddler boys?

 

[FullQuiver]

I probably don’t give him enough credit, I mean he is a good boy most of the time and he is sweet. But the tantrums can overshadow it.

 

[Basil the Great]

I have never had children, so I am a poor one to respond, but I have heard of "the terrible two's". Perhaps it is a common problem to develop at age two?

 

[Hammster]

We found that our little ones are really sensitive to food dye, particularly red dye 40. Their behavior improved dramatically once we eliminated it from their diet. And we can tell when they accidentally get some.

 

[FullQuiver]

I don’t think it’s a sensitivity to particular food items that causes it. It might be because we phased out consistent naps too early. But my goodness when he does take a nap every now and then, don’t make any plans for at least an hour after he wakes up because he is a nightmare.

 

[Hammster]

I don’t think it’s a sensitivity to particular food items that causes it. It might be because we phased out consistent naps too early. But my goodness when he does take a nap every now and then, don’t make any plans for at least an hour after he wakes up because he is a nightmare.

Why do you think it’s not food related? Just curious.

 

[drjean]

I think you answered your own question at least partly. It's been a while but I suspect behavior is still pretty much the same at that age. What you are doing isn't working and needs changing.

I never told my sons "No" during the first 3 years of their lives... to keep from the parrotting back to me... and that is the way to think... using other measures of correction..verbally and physically.

If he can understand this much, I would sit down and make a chart... pictures... let him help CHOOSE and paste them in... IF you do this (the first time asked, or without being asked)... this is the reward IF you do this...this is the punishment. Since spanking doesn't seem to do anything but antagonize him, I'd stop. I'd give him ONE reminder when he begins to misbehave. (Don't use words like being bad and such...) Remind him of the CHART (this makes the chart the bad guy, and not you) because he helped make it, he's part of the agreement even tough he won't fully understand contracts. Be sure to voice your love, dismay, anger by saying, XXX that's making me laugh, xxx that is making me angry....

Now, on another note... is he really well? Does he act out when he's say, constipated---do certain foods give him trouble either that way or allergy-wise? High sugar can also do this. You could make a chart for yourself of what he eats and what the response is... immediate (within an hour or two) will be obvious but food allergies also attack at nighttime. It could be a soap you use, or some other chemical... keeping track is difficult but if nothing else helps you figure this out, try it.

Is he picking up on tension in the home? Is he hearing conversations that might be confusing him and he's imagining things? Is he obtaining 10-12 hours of sleep at night, with at least an hour of NO electronices right before sleep time? You phased out naps??? Oh my... I remember even in 2nd grade having to take naps in school, and we all slept!

It could be that your son is very intelligent and is bored. It could be that he needs more attention, regardless of how much he is receiving. Is he active during the day enough, things to physically tired him out?

I suppose you have checked all this off... but maybe just try one thing at a time and then add another... as long as you can be consistent. He's testing you for some reason whether he's doing it on purpose or not...

Be sure to pray with and for him.

 

[FullQuiver]

Well, I guess I was thinking it was just a disciplinary method problem. But I am going to void food dyes from his diet starting tomorrow and see what happens after a week. Can you describe the difference in behavior that you observed?

 

[Hammster]

Well, I guess I was thinking it was just a disciplinary method problem. But I am going to void food dyes from his diet starting tomorrow and see what happens after a week. Can you describe the difference in behavior that you observed?

The hyperactivity dropped. They listened better. In general, they were just more under control. They don’t normally backtalk, but when they accidentally get dye, it gets nuts.

We’ve found that most foods at ALDI don’t have dye. A lifesaver.

 

[FullQuiver]

Wow, okay, I’m going to give that a shot and see what happens... my daughter is like basically an angel so I don’t think it affects her too bad, but we’ll see if it works with him.

 

[FullQuiver]

Good idea, Dr. Jean, my wife and I will five isolated time outs a shot. I’ll also build a rudimentary table of penalties with him on my next off day.

He’s definitely extremely intelligent.

Does anybody think naps might be an issue too? Like a consistent nap at noon or something? We do it inconsistently now and when he wakes up he’s terrible. But maybe with consistency?

 

[Hank77]

He’ll hit us and be belligerent and blatantly defiant.

He is two, how much knowledge and understanding does a two year have? If you hit him he will think that hitting you is the way to get the behavior from you that he wants. If it works for you why not him. After all it is us that our children learn from.
ie. You cannot hit your sister if she takes a toy from you, hitting is bad. And in their baby knowledge they are likely thinking but you hit me when you don't like what I am doing.

My son was quiet and obedient and it was his sister that was the one who would try your resolve. However one of my grandsons was not so easy. We never spanked him at two but would put him in time outs. This takes patience and determination on the parents part but is well worth the effort. Ten mins. is an eternity for a two year old. They can sit there, scream, yell, cry, kick their feet and be ignored. They don't like being ignored. They cannot get out of the time out as long as they are acting this way. Once they are free if they go back to the same behavior they immediately go back into the time out.
Time outs can become feared but for the right reasons. Bad behavior gets you shunned, ignored, not more attention.

 

[FullQuiver]

He is two, how much knowledge and understanding does a two year have? If you hit him he will think that hitting you is the way to get the behavior from you that he wants. If it works for you why not him. After all it is us that our children learn from.
ie. You cannot hit your sister if she takes a toy from you, hitting is bad. And in their baby knowledge they are likely thinking but you hit me when you don't like what I am doing.

My son was quiet and obedient and it was his sister that was the one who would try your resolve. However one of my grandsons was not so easy. We never spanked him at two but would put him in time outs. This takes patience and determination on the parents part but is well worth the effort. Ten mins. is an eternity for a two year old. They can sit there, scream, yell, cry, kick their feet and be ignored. They don't like being ignored. They cannot get out of the time out as long as they are acting this way. Once they are free if they go back to the same behavior they immediately go back into the time out.
Time outs can become feared but for the right reasons. Bad behavior gets you shunned, ignored, not more attention.

You’re probably on to something there. I’ve been getting kind of disenchanted with the spankings as their effectiveness in prevention hasn’t been manifested to me yet. We did spank our daughter, but haven’t spanked her for probably a year because she’s so good all the time (she’s 4). I liked the chart of penalties idea that Dr. Jean laid out and it will probably include some form of isolation, withholding things he likes, etc.

 

[Hank77]

We have a new born also, so sometimes,

Forgot about this. He was the baby and you had more time for him before the new one came along. You might try taking him for special guy time, just dad and son. Take 20 mins or so every day that is just his time with dad.

 

[Hammster]

Good idea, Dr. Jean, my wife and I will five isolated time outs a shot. I’ll also build a rudimentary table of penalties with him on my next off day.

He’s definitely extremely intelligent.

Does anybody think naps might be an issue too? Like a consistent nap at noon or something? We do it inconsistently now and when he wakes up he’s terrible. But maybe with consistency?

Naps could be an issue.

 

[Saucy]

I'm not a parent, but I noticed in my nieces that they are much better behaved if they get a nap. But, sometimes, when they wake up from their naps, they can be just as cranky if they didn't get one. This is just stuff kids say. The best thing you can do, even though it might hurt your feelings, is to not take it personally. They don't really realize what they're saying.

 

[FullQuiver]

Well, thanks for the input, everyone. Some good suggestions here that I’m going to implement. We’ll stop spanking him and try some other techniques. I’m going to make a table of penalties and maybe some type of reward system too, take food dyes out of his diet, and have a scheduled nap every day. I’ll also try and give him 20 min of one on one attention every day.

I did actually think about taking him on a one on one outing with me where he chose everywhere we went. We went to the museum, the mall, and out to eat at his request. I wanted to do something with him that he wanted to do. Towards the end he got naughty again and acted out. Could be he was over tired... so while it was a great time I cherished, it definitely wasn’t the magic elixir.

 

[drjean]

It could be that he isn't sleeping enough at night and the nap is too short so he's cranky because he's still tired! ??? Yes, consistent nap, reward for going to nap on his own at right time? If he is sleeping 10 - 12 hours at night and still wakes cranky after nap, then plan a quiet time alone === certain play area or project or something to work on alone for ten or fifteen minutes when he wakes?

 

[JAM2b]

That is a common behavior for toddlers they are impulsive and emotionally driven. They also can learn to manipulate at an early age. If his hurtful words or aggression are getting a reaction from you, then he is going to use that to gain some control and get back at you for the discipline.

Children can be very different from one another, and boys do tend to have a different temperament from girls. Comparing one child to another can be slippery. I bet your daughter had some behavior problems that you son does not. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

As far as method of discipline, whatever you do be consistent in that you need to always follow through with what you say you are going to do. If you say you are going to spank, then do it. If you say time-out, then do it. Never give in once you have said no, and always keep your word when you say yes.

 

[Tolworth John]

Just one suggestion, an alternative to smacking is to use the 'naughty step' If he misbehaves or ignores a clear instruction explain that if he continues to do so he will be put on the 'naughty step'.
All this is, is to exclude him/her from what ever activity is going on, the child is alone and can hear the fun being had with the family. A few minutes used to bring my son and daughter to realise that misbehaving wasn't a good idea.