150 Blessings ...

[loved]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

I like this one, 80 blessings to you.....


I still haven't seen a joke that makes me laugh a lot yet , this one was good though.

 

[~ Gig ~]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

 

[It's Mee]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

 

[lillybug0514]

One day a man was pulled over for speeding. The cop walked up and said, "sir its the end of the day at the end of my shift, and I dont really feel like giving you a ticket and having to do all the paper work. I have heard every excuse in the book for speeding, but if you can give me one I havent heard I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and then said, "Officer last week my wife left me for a cop and I when I saw you, I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

To which the cop replied have a nice day, and walked off.

 

[It's Mee]

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

 

[loved]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Thats a good one, 50 blessings for you.

 

[loved]

One day a man was pulled over for speeding. The cop walked up and said, "sir its the end of the day at the end of my shift, and I dont really feel like giving you a ticket and having to do all the paper work. I have heard every excuse in the book for speeding, but if you can give me one I havent heard I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and then said, "Officer last week my wife left me for a cop and I when I saw you, I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

To which the cop replied have a nice day, and walked off.

I like that one too, 50 blessings

 

[GEO4CHRIST]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Old and corny, but funny

 

[It's Mee]

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."

 

[jelly_bean]

Charismatics: Only one-- their hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

 

[~ Gig ~]

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

 

[~ Gig ~]

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

 

[pinkberry]

A husband and wife were talking one night about what they would do if one of them died.

"Would you remarry?" the wife asked him. "Would it be ok with you?" the man replied. "Of course," said the woman, "I wan't you to be happy." "I could never forget you though," said the man.

"Would you sleep in the same bed as her?" the wife asked. "Probably," said the man.

"Would you love her?" she asked. "Probably," said the man.

"Would you let her use my golf clubs?" The wife asked. "She couldn't," said the man, "she's a lefty!"

"SHOOT!" said the man. And the wife was silent.

 

[JoyWillCome]

Back during the war people who were against Washington used to put his pictures in their bathrooms to show that they wernt afraid of him. They captured this man and when he asked to go to the bathroom he saw the pictures. When he returned he said 'you know, the bathroom is a good place to put those washington pictures, I always knew he scared the **** out of you.'

there where 5 people on this plane- a boy, a pilot, the smartest man in the world, a priest,and the president. The engine broke on the plane and the were going to crash. There were only 4 parachutes on the plane. 'My country needs me' said the president, and he took one and jumped. 'My church needs me.' said the priest and took another one. 'And i'm the smartest man in the world, they need me too.' so he took one and jumped. The pilot said to the boy 'should we do rock paper siccors to decide who gets the last one?' and the boy says ' we don't have to, the smartest man in the world took my backpack.'

 

[JoyWillCome]

A man died and went to heaven. He was really happy to until he was told that he was not allowed to step on the ducks. He was told that if he stepped on a duck he would be paired with an ugly person. we'll he was walking around heaven and a woman walked up to him and said 'God says I have to be paired with you. 'i thought i didn't step on any ducks!' he said. The woman said, 'I don't know about you, but i did.'

3 men died and went to heaven. they didn't want there time on earth to be ended so soon so they asked God for a second chance. He told them He would give them a second chance and a gift. the first man asked to be 1000 times smarter and he was sent back 1000 times smarter. The next man wished to be 10000 times smarter and he was sent back 10000 times smarter. The last man asked to be 100000 times smarter and he was sent back to earth as a woman.

 

[PetertheRock]

Here is one...When Pope John Paul came to the USA he was riding in a limo and he told the driver that he has done a lot of things in his life and has gone a lot of places, but the one thing he has never done is drive a limo. So reluctantly, the limo driver lets the Pope drive the limo.

Well, the pope was driving a little too fast and got pulled over for speeding. The cop came the car and saw the Pope was driving and he got back in his cruiser and called dispatch. He told his dispatcher that he doesn't know what to do because he thinks he has an important person stopped. The dispatcher asked who he had stopped and the officer said, "I don't know who it is but the Pope is his chauffer."

Darryl

 

[thecarlyjean]

can i enter two at the same time?
there was a blonde who walked into bar and put a picture frame down on a table and stared at it for five minutes. Then 2 more blondes walk in and the first blonde gets up and they start chanting "31 Days, 31 Days 31 Days" around the table. The bar tender looked at them strangely and didnt think much about it. Then 5 more blondes walked in and chanted with them. Then the bartender stopped what he was doing and watched them. Finally 4 more blondes walk in and chanted with them. THe bar tender stops them and asks them why they were chanting. The first blonde turns the picture frame around so he could see it. All it was was a picture of a cookie monster puzzle made for kids. He said he still didnt understand so the first blonde says,
"You see this puzzle. It only took all of us to put this puzzle together in 31 days. On the box it said 3 to 6 years."

there was a shy man waiting in line at a grocery store. A woman behind him was sneezing so he watched her and one time her glass eye fell out. He caught the eye and handed it back to her. She said thank you and the man found the woman attractive. he didnt say anything though but she asked, "Would you like to go out sometime?" he answered, "Sure," so he went through the line and then after he asked, "Do you normally ask men out when you first meet them?
"No but oyu kind of caught my eye."

 

[thecarlyjean]

Charismatics: Only one-- their hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

heard these before and the baptist is so true... they need to decide who should bring the potato salad...

lutherans is good and the pentecostal is sort of funnny but we meet and eat like the baptists too...

 

[Zeratul]

Characters and people being talked about: Father, Boy, Older Son, daughter, and wife.

Boy: Dad, whats the difference between potentiality and reality?

Father: Well, son how bout u go ask your mother and see what she says.
The Boy goes, asks his mom, and returns.

Boy: No dad she doesn't.

Father: Well how bout u go ask ur brother.

Boy: Ok.

Comes back with no answer.

Father: Well how bout this? Go ask your mom if she would do Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Boy asks his mom and she says,"Yeah for a million dollars i probably would."

Comes back with the answer yes but still doesn't understand.

Boy:I still don't know the difference.

Father: Well go ask ur sister if she would do Tom Cruise for a million dollars.

Boy asks his sister and she says,"Oh my god, like yeah, for a million dollars, he is so hot!"

Comes back with a yes and dad gets a little uneasy.

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Father: (sigh) Well son, go ask your brother this. WOuld you do Matt Damon for a million dollars?

Comes back with another yes.

Father: Well son, do you know what it means now?

Boy: Yeah I think i do dad....Potentially we have $3million dollars....Reality we have two harlots and a ***.


lol


i'll edit if wanted - that was from our def. football coach last season, he had everyone laughing and i mean everyone

 

[It's Mee]

The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fellow said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter