150 Blessings ...

[Nanee5]

The congragation was sitting in church one Sunday, when suddenly, the devil showed up. It was pandamonium everywhere; people running, trying to get out of the church.. all except one guy. Well, the devil goes up to him and says, "Why ain't you running? Everyone else is afraid of me and is gone! Ain't you afraid of me too?" The guy said, "Heck no, I ain't afraid of you! I've been married to your sister for 40 years!!"

 

[It's Mee]

Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
"If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are

 

[deaduser]

A mother once sent her child to a cathlic school to become more disiplined. the boy wasn't doing well in classes. after the first day of the cathlic school the boy rushed up to his room and started to do his work. at the end of the year he had all A's. the mother asked the boy,
"I don't mined that it happened but why did you start to do all your work."
the boy replied,
"the first day i walked in, i saw a man nail to the plus sign and knew they meant business."

 

[lin1235]

Two men (Bob and George) were out on a fishing boat and it sank offshore of a remote island that wasn't on any of the navigation charts...they were able to swim to shore so they were safe for the moment.

As the first day gave way to another day Bob began to get disturbed about their situation and began to complain, "Oh man, oh man, no one is ever going to find us! We're doomed!!"

George just sat there calmly and said nothing...which bothered Bob.

The next day Bob began to complain all the more, "What are we ever going to do, no one is ever going to find us!! We're going to die on this little island!!"

George just calmly sat there looking at the waves break on the shore...which again bothered Bob. This time Bob said, "How can you be so calm? Aren't you worried at all?"

George said, "Someone will find us," and continued to sit there calmly.

"What do you mean, 'someone will find us'? We're on an island that wasn't on the charts and we weren't able to send an SOS! We're going to die! Do you hear me? We're going to DIE!!"

To which George replied, "I make $500,000 a year, someone will find us, don't worry."

"Don't worry?! Are you crazy?! It doesn't matter how much money you make because you can't buy your way off this island! We're going to die! We're going to die!!" exclaimed Bob.

"Listen, as I said, I make $500,000 a year...and I tithe...my pastor WILL find me!"

 

[lin1235]

A minister tells a joke


A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

 

[GEO4CHRIST]

Two preachers who love baseball ask one another, "Do you think there will be baseball in heaven?" Neither of the preachers knew so they decided to find out when they got there. Years past and one of the preachers eventually died. The living preacher went to bed one night where he had a dream about the preacher who died. The dead preacher said, "I have some good and bad news." The living preacher decided to here the good news first. "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.... The bad news is that you're pitching next week."

 

[2_the_rescue]

Where is God?



A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

 

[Paid in full]

There was a Pastor a Priest & a Rabbi ,having a meeting about some money that was given to them and what they should do with it......
The Pastor said"give the money to the homeless"
The Priest said"give the money to the Hungry"
And the Rabbi said"throw it towards the sky!"
The other two were suprised to hear this and asked why the Rabbi answered.....Throw it towards the sky and what ever God wants he keeps!

 

[~ Gig ~]

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

[~ Gig ~]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

 

[Zeratul]

o come on wasnt that funny at all? not even a reply?

 

[It's Mee]

Do we need to continue to post, has he forgotten us??

 

[ASLER86]

In response to the previous post--we can still amuse eachother w/ jokes right??

Here's a couple of jokes for you guys:

hopefully I remember to tell this one right:

A one dollar bill gets in a conversation with a twenty dollar bill. "I haven't seen you in a while" it says.
The twenty dollar bill responds, "oh, I have been everywhere! I've been to fancy restaurants, casinos, Disneyland, an amusement park, all kinds of cool places. Where have you been?"
The one dollar bill replied, "I've been to the Pentacostal church, the Lutheran Church, the Catholic Church, the Episcopalian church, the Baptist church, the...."
"Wait, wait, wait," the twenty dollar bill said, "what's a church?"

Do you get it?

Here's a blond joke--

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?



Answer: "She threw out all of the W's"
lol

 

[Zeratul]

well is mine going to at least be recognized on page 3
?
?
?

 

[ASLER86]

well is mine going to at least be recognized on page 3
?
?
?

I looked on page three but I didn't find it???

 

[It's Mee]

Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter."
Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!"
Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."

 

[ASLER86]

Okay here's some more

#1 (I've heard this joke with a bear also)

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air
then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed
head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as
the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down
from the clouds.

"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two
minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Then the Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness
Monster become religious."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts up, atheist falling.

The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food you have so graciously provided...."​

#2

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached
them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law
says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and
knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, God ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"