13 years and still no ring

[TheCrayolaEffect]

Hello all,

I'm feeling very discouraged. I've met the love of my life a long time ago. We've been through a lot of ups and downs mostly because we weren't leading a Christian life and living through God. We had a daughter 5 years ago and ever since we've gradually become closer and closer to God as a family. We've been off and on over the course of 13 years but since about 2013 we've been consistently on. We lived together and we're still working out our unChristian pasts and it proved to not be productive to our relationship. We separated for almost a year and worked on ourselves but he still thinks we're not ready for marriage. I almost feel as though he never will be and it's really affecting how I view myself and our relationship. People I know have known their spouses for a shorter amount of time and are already married. They may have done it the wrong way at first but now they're right with God. He said he wants us to grow individually closer to God but we're living in separate homes with our parents. I'm almost 30 and he's in his mid 30's. This feels wrong but I've tried dating on our off periods and I don't connect with anyone else like I do him. I'm convinced he's my person but I don't know how much longer I can sustain my end of this relationship living apart, with a child and not being married.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you. He owes you the ring; but there's another relationship involved as well: in fact, 2. Your relationship with the Saviour and his also. John 3.16 tells of God's love in sending the Saviour and of the eternal life that there is through faith in Him.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

Hi welcome to the forum in Jesus name, I pray that you will find lots of friends on the forum, and the Lord's will for your life, as you pray and read the Bible.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

---EDIT To the mods I just realized this is the courting session and married aren't suppose to be here. My bad. Delete my post if you need to.---

Not sure where to start. Hmm.

Do you both work? How about finances when it comes to having a child? You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about your future together. Tell him you would like if you took things to the next level. Especially since you have a child now. Get married, move in together or find your own place together. If hes not up for marriage then tell him you may have to move on. I know obviously you don't want to. But maybe it will help him see times going by quick. Neither of you are getting and younger and still have lots of years ahead to either choose happiness and marry. Or to choose misery and live sseparately never marry...etc. Not much of a life.

Obviously the big issue is really your daughter. Its probably hard enough having parents that live separated from each other. So your daughter is going to grow up in a broken family confused. Its how my wife was and many others I know. And when she starts going to school kids are going pick on her or question why her mom and dad aren't together in the same house. In other words she may be bullied. That and with the world the way it is they may say hurtful things like "Maybe your daddy likes other men and its why hes not with your mommy!". Trust me, kids say the strangest things today.

If I were you I'd probably have given up by now. Probably long before a child was in the picture. Lifes to short to constantly worry about what the future holds with someone. Whatever goes on we will pray you all. Maybe you should do the same. Pray for some sort of sign or talk from God to answer you about this.

 

[BlessedMommy05]

I have to agree with the above poster about a lot of things. Having been married I can tell you from experience and I hope my post wont be kicked because I 'm hoping to share some advice from some one who's been down that road and has a child.

Marriage is a big leap even though yes having a child is even bigger leap and responsibility and being in your 30s should have a very stable career by now and good stable income if not then that should come up between you be sure there's a stable income for the child epically when school starts kindergarten and up. Unless she's already doing pre-school or some special program for head start.

Second, a place to live can be expensive yes, but do you want a house or an apartment, there's pro's and con's in both sit together and write out what is pro and cons in both and what are you both willing to give up to live a nice life style with out breaking the bank. Also cars are your cars doing ok and up keep good.

3rd, what do you both want from each other and not talking faith in God , what are the "expectations" of each other in your roles as husband and wife, some times going into those roles can be daunting and quite difficult. It was for me.

4th, Communication is a must regardless if you're married or not, but I agree for the sake of your child, should have been married by the time the child was born if not then you should both of you to move on ... you cant sit and wait for the other to come to their senses and for a what if situation divorce in 10years and then who will raise the child and other children? So there's a lot to consider..

If he hasn't committed to you by now or you him, I say time to move on and yes keep the door open due to the child, but there's other opportunities to be happy.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think you deserve better. You're the mother of his child, and he's stringing you along. At this point, honestly I would issue an ultimatum. He should know by now whether he is "ready" - in fact, he should have known five years ago.

May I ask what he's doing to strengthen his relationship with God? What is the benefit of living separately, or, more specifically, what does he claim is the benefit? Have you discussed any timeline at all for when you might get married, or is he totally noncommittal?

I think you should focus on yourself, your daughter, and your faith. I wouldn't recommend dating at all until you know where you stand with your child's father. Sooner or later you will have to make a decision about how long you are willing to wait. Life is too short to let years drift by in limbo.

 

[TheCrayolaEffect]

---EDIT To the mods I just realized this is the courting session and married aren't suppose to be here. My bad. Delete my post if you need to.---

Not sure where to start. Hmm.

Do you both work? How about finances when it comes to having a child? You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about your future together. Tell him you would like if you took things to the next level. Especially since you have a child now. Get married, move in together or find your own place together. If hes not up for marriage then tell him you may have to move on. I know obviously you don't want to. But maybe it will help him see times going by quick. Neither of you are getting and younger and still have lots of years ahead to either choose happiness and marry. Or to choose misery and live sseparately never marry...etc. Not much of a life.

Obviously the big issue is really your daughter. Its probably hard enough having parents that live separated from each other. So your daughter is going to grow up in a broken family confused. Its how my wife was and many others I know. And when she starts going to school kids are going pick on her or question why her mom and dad aren't together in the same house. In other words she may be bullied. That and with the world the way it is they may say hurtful things like "Maybe your daddy likes other men and its why hes not with your mommy!". Trust me, kids say the strangest things today.

If I were you I'd probably have given up by now. Probably long before a child was in the picture. Lifes to short to constantly worry about what the future holds with someone. Whatever goes on we will pray you all. Maybe you should do the same. Pray for some sort of sign or talk from God to answer you about this.

At the moment I'm doing contract work and just recently lost a contract but that's just the nature of my work. I should be getting one soon. I put off school a bit when I had our daughter but I'm my 2nd semester in post partum and am flying through. He also is working, but not in the field he was trained in or the career he'd like to be in. We've discussed starting a business together as well.

I have told him several times that I want to be married and we've separated before because he wouldn't take the relationship to the next level. He used to send me a lot of mixed signals about how he felt about me but has finally communicated that he wants to eventually marry me. My reasoning is that when a man decides he wants to marry a woman he saves for the engagement ring, plans a proposal and the wedding plans start afterwards. I'm not sure when he decided to marry me but I know he's been saying it for at least 5 years and has been teasing it for more. I've told him several times that if he loves and values me that he should treat me thusly and provide me the respect of marriage.

I've told him that in regards to our daughter that our relationship is her foundation to what relationships should be like and what we're teaching her is that she should hold out for a man who won't commit, which doesn't make me the happiest.

He seems to be progressing super slowly and I'm losing patience but I also can't stop feeling things for him either. I have written in off in the past and even was engaged to someone else during a time a part but somehow I always end up back with him. I'd love to keep my family together but I know this isn't healthy.

 

[TheCrayolaEffect]

I have to agree with the above poster about a lot of things. Having been married I can tell you from experience and I hope my post wont be kicked because I 'm hoping to share some advice from some one who's been down that road and has a child.

Marriage is a big leap even though yes having a child is even bigger leap and responsibility and being in your 30s should have a very stable career by now and good stable income if not then that should come up between you be sure there's a stable income for the child epically when school starts kindergarten and up. Unless she's already doing pre-school or some special program for head start.

Second, a place to live can be expensive yes, but do you want a house or an apartment, there's pro's and con's in both sit together and write out what is pro and cons in both and what are you both willing to give up to live a nice life style with out breaking the bank. Also cars are your cars doing ok and up keep good.

3rd, what do you both want from each other and not talking faith in God , what are the "expectations" of each other in your roles as husband and wife, some times going into those roles can be daunting and quite difficult. It was for me.

4th, Communication is a must regardless if you're married or not, but I agree for the sake of your child, should have been married by the time the child was born if not then you should both of you to move on ... you cant sit and wait for the other to come to their senses and for a what if situation divorce in 10years and then who will raise the child and other children? So there's a lot to consider..

If he hasn't committed to you by now or you him, I say time to move on and yes keep the door open due to the child, but there's other opportunities to be happy.

Thank God he has provided us with the means necessary to care for our child beyond the necessities. She's currently enrolled in a great charter school and thriving.

We have agreed that we both want a house as it would better suit our lifestyle, hobbies and career choices. Our car is also almost paid off and needs a little maintenance but is manageable.

I think, for me, part of the problem is that I don't know what he needs to happen to be ready to get married. I've asked what magic thing has to happen, what growth we need to achieve, etc, in order for him to be ready and he said he doesn't even know but that he knows we're not ready. When we lived together we fought a lot and we both had a "me" attitude but I sought therapy while we were separated and he sought the word. I felt like we've both grown a lot and have matured a lot but we seem to always fight about his trust in me (which is honestly not explainable by him) or committing. While we were separated I laid the condition that we need to pursue couples counseling, which he was very opposed to because he wanted to work through things with the Word. We compromised on finding faith based counsel. We recently approached our pastor to ask for guidance and he offered us to connect with his pastor who is licensed to counsel. Since he's out of town its something that we haven't made the time to do. But our Pastor was like if you both know you're going to marry each other I'm not sure what the waiting is for. You should just get married.

I'm starting to feel like this relationship is a dead end.

 

[TheCrayolaEffect]

3

I think you deserve better. You're the mother of his child, and he's stringing you along. At this point, honestly I would issue an ultimatum. He should know by now whether he is "ready" - in fact, he should have known five years ago.

May I ask what he's doing to strengthen his relationship with God? What is the benefit of living separately, or, more specifically, what does he claim is the benefit? Have you discussed any timeline at all for when you might get married, or is he totally noncommittal?

I think you should focus on yourself, your daughter, and your faith. I wouldn't recommend dating at all until you know where you stand with your child's father. Sooner or later you will have to make a decision about how long you are willing to wait. Life is too short to let years drift by in limbo.

Thank you for your input. I mentioned it to him today because he tells people I am his wife and I feel I fulfill all wifely companionship roles except sex (we've abstained through our separation and now) but I don't get the same from him. He says this will give us time to build our relationship with God and that we should spend this time reading, praying and serving together and individually. There's no timeline but it all depends on him and I don't feel I have a say in this without it leading to an argument.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

He seems to be progressing super slowly and I'm losing patience but I also can't stop feeling things for him either. I have written in off in the past and even was engaged to someone else during a time a part but somehow I always end up back with him. I'd love to keep my family together but I know this isn't healthy.

Well one option is tell him:
"I love you but its been 5 years now since the marriage thing was brought up. I need to get on with my life if your not ready. So I'll give you (insert whatever number here) months to get married to me. After that I have to walk. My life and our daughters is being held up and I can't take it. And if you change your mind after we are not together I will not fall into the trap again so you can reel me in for another 5 years of waiting!"

I mean word it how you want of course but I think you get what I am saying. With a time limit you will see if he truly really wants to marry or not. Though 5 years is more then enough time by now. Don't let him smooth talk you into waiting again.

 

[Poppyseed78]

3


Thank you for your input. I mentioned it to him today because he tells people I am his wife and I feel I fulfill all wifely companionship roles except sex (we've abstained through our separation and now) but I don't get the same from him. He says this will give us time to build our relationship with God and that we should spend this time reading, praying and serving together and individually. There's no timeline but it all depends on him and I don't feel I have a say in this without it leading to an argument.

He tells people you are his wife? I would be so hurt by that. This means he knows he should be married to you and he realizes it looks bad that he's not. You have a child together and seem to have your finances under control. It sounds like you both have been working on improving yourselves - well, you have; I don't know about him. This is so unfair to you. What is he waiting for?

I'm sorry to say this, because I don't want to offend you, but I don't think he ever plans to marry you. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but I would say "By such and such date if you're not ready, I'm moving on." It would be too heart-wrenching to deal with this. What he's doing is not kind or loving. He either needs to marry you or let you go. As it is now, he's wasting your time.

 

[BlessedMommy05]

Thank God he has provided us with the means necessary to care for our child beyond the necessities. She's currently enrolled in a great charter school and thriving.

We have agreed that we both want a house as it would better suit our lifestyle, hobbies and career choices. Our car is also almost paid off and needs a little maintenance but is manageable.

I think, for me, part of the problem is that I don't know what he needs to happen to be ready to get married. I've asked what magic thing has to happen, what growth we need to achieve, etc, in order for him to be ready and he said he doesn't even know but that he knows we're not ready. When we lived together we fought a lot and we both had a "me" attitude but I sought therapy while we were separated and he sought the word. I felt like we've both grown a lot and have matured a lot but we seem to always fight about his trust in me (which is honestly not explainable by him) or committing. While we were separated I laid the condition that we need to pursue couples counseling, which he was very opposed to because he wanted to work through things with the Word. We compromised on finding faith based counsel. We recently approached our pastor to ask for guidance and he offered us to connect with his pastor who is licensed to counsel. Since he's out of town its something that we haven't made the time to do. But our Pastor was like if you both know you're going to marry each other I'm not sure what the waiting is for. You should just get married.

I'm starting to feel like this relationship is a dead end.

I'm glad your child is thriving and doing good, that's always a blessing... If I offended you in my post please forgive me, I was just trying to be factual and since I been down that road I just don't want to see someone hurt later on. Well, the only advice is what others have said do what is best for you and the child. By him calling you his wife, with out a "ring" is disrespectful in my view, and if I were say standing next to him call him it; and say sorry but not till you ask me to be . Blessings to you and hugs as you make this decision and if you're a believer in the Lord, pray about the step but definitely put the child first as well as yourself too. prayers for you .. again I hope no offense

 

[Khalliqa]

He doesn't want to get married to you.. If he did you would be married
You don't want to let him go.. If you wanted to you would have let him go..

It's been 13 years and he hasn't honored something valuable to you and you stay with him.. No matter what wisdom is shared with you on this board you will not go until this set up you've got with him no longer gives you whatever benefit you're deriving from it now. Right now whatever benefits you're getting are enough for you to tolerate not getting what you want.. So you will stay..

Until you place more value in the honor you feel you deserve over what you get now..

This isn't his decision. He made it a long time ago.

This is your decision and you keep letting him know he can not marry you.. he can play like he's married.. he can even give you the title of wife around friends and you'll stay with him..

That's what you've settled for..

Either be happy with your decision or weigh everything again and make a different one..