Discerning God’s Voice Concerning Interracial Dating/Marriage

I don't have any verses to back this other than Matthew 19:6, but I believe that God has wired/created us to prefer or are highly attracted to certain features because it's that person that he has for us. I believe every single person is created like this but only those who are actively following Christ, would be the ones that God would then introduce the two people together that he had planned for one another from the beginning and only when he feels it is time. Personally, my tastes have changed over the years, but like you, God showed me more about myself and more about his relationship intentions. It comes down to this, logically speaking, why would God give you, let's say, an attraction to someone with red hair over anyone else if there wasn't a purpose/point to it? I don't think God creates nuances like that for literally zero reason.

So all in all, God could be working with you right now to prep you for the person he has for you.

Hi Andrew, I’m glad you felt comfortable posing the question and I’m happy to chime in. I’m biracial, Creole and French on my mother’s side and English and French on my father’s. My mother’s family is Southern and we were reared to be smart southern belles and that’s my filter for Black culture. But I’m more like my father in sensibilities and interests. They’re more European and refined and my experiences follow suit. I share that in advance so you’ll understand my comments.

Has anyone else experienced a similar spiritual assignment in dating or marriage?

I dated an Asian gentleman in the past who’s brilliant and successful and we got along well. And if you looked at us on paper we’re well aligned. But the thing that concerned me was something you encounter with minorities in relation to Caucasians. Sometimes they put them on a pedestal and it makes me uneasy. I was reared in settings that weren’t diverse and my experiences were good. I’ve dated Caucasian men for years and my closest friends are white. I don’t have a need to impress or fit in. We get along and that‘s that. But oftentimes people strip away their culture to do so.

And one day I realized the only thing I could point to that was asian was his looks and trips to Hong Kong for suits. He wanted his companion to be like the Princess of Wales (William’s wife) and I told him when we met he wanted a socialite. And that’s not a problem. I love patronage and giving back and working with organizations. But what isn’t okay is losing yourself and that was a concern. The likelihood of being reared by asian parents with no connection to your culture is slim. Either you’re repressing it or whitewashing instead.

But the Lord liked him and one of the ways He prepared me for marriage was having me read Derek Prince’s book God is a Matchmaker. I read it twice before we met and was warming to the idea of His choice. I’ve always welcomed His input but I never asked Him to choose my spouse. That isn’t something you say haphazardly. You need a level of maturity and acceptance to do that and I wasn’t there.

How do you know when a desire is sanctified versus self-driven?

When your desires are aligned with the Lord’s you focus on what‘s best for both even if it costs you the other. If you’re not willing to relinquish them you’re in the drivers seat.

If you’re a Black sister in Christ, how do you receive white men in the church who express this kind of intentional, prayer-filled interest?

I love caucasian men because they understand me and I don’t have to explain myself. We have similar upbringings and values and those are the things I want to impart. If you’re going to be in a relationship where you’re blending cultures and races you have to be willing to learn and teach your offspring.

And you have to confront the differences too. Most notably with your children. When it comes to black and white the end result depends more on the minority than yourself. Black Americans already have a measure of mixing. Don’t look at Megan Markle and expect the same. Her children are 75% white that’s why they look that way. This question comes up a lot and people get offended.

I would give consideration to the women in my family and its standard. If its good follow suit or make improvements. But for the sake of your peace I wouldn’t do worse. I‘d give attention to their upbringing and relatives. That’s what you’re taking on whether they love Jesus or not that’s their influence. And harmony is important and common denominators make it easier. Opposites look good in movies but walking it out is hard.

When it comes to women look at the bones. Don’t go by what she says. They know to sell themselves and tell you what you want to hear and you have to ask the right questions.

* Ask her to describe her ideal life and paint you a picture and don’t say anything more. And listen to what she says and you’ll learn a lot.

* Ask her if she could have any character in a movie who would she choose?

* Ask her if she could live in any time period what would it be and why?

You’ll discover her values through these questions without being overt. It cuts to the chase and makes you confront your inner Meatloaf. “I will do anything for love but I won’t do that.” No one’s going to say I want X dollars per year, a certain lifestyle, etc. You have to broach it differently. I would look for signs for etiquette in her answers and a measure of tradition. There’s a restraining element in that deportment you’ll be thankful for. Videos are another option. Choose different subjects. Some agreeable and more controversial and see what she thinks.

As long as you love the Lord and respect one another you can make it work. The degree of your challenges are personal and you can swim upstream or not. It depends on you. Every family expects their children to bring home an asset. We can dress it up in niceties but the truth is the truth. The more you color outside those lines the greater the hardships, pushback and so on.

I haven’t had negative experiences with my family in respect to men because I only date a certain type and don’t allow attraction to sway me. My calling is foremost and the one best suited for the role is my focus. We have to complement because God isn’t the author of confusion and I don’t want familial strife.

And I look for mutuality with his loved ones as well and our worlds have to blend. I can’t change who I am and nor can he. You have to be honest with yourself and that‘s the best advice.

~bella

Cavalier83 said:

Hi everyone,

I’ve been sitting with something deeply personal for the past month, and I wanted to open it up here to anyone who might relate — or who might be able to offer godly encouragement or wisdom.

I’m a white Christian man in my early 40s, and over the years, and I’m really wondering if God has been refining my heart when it comes to romantic alignment. I’ve come to realize — both through prayer and personal experience — that I’m most emotionally, spiritually, and relationally aligned with Black women.

This isn’t a cultural whim or fetishized attraction. I say this with reverence: It’s a desire I’ve consistently brought before the Lord, with prayer, journaling, and surrender. Over the past month especially, I’ve been intentionally seeking God’s will, not just mine.

Here are some highlights of what this month has looked like:

• I deliberately resisted temptation and counterfeit comforts from my past.
• I received a prophetic word from a trusted YouTube minister, whose words directly confirmed the stirring has not been random.
• I’ve intentionally stayed away from content that objectifies, and instead built a spiritual framework around marriage, legacy, and honoring Christ.

My heart longs to love, honor, protect, and grow with a woman — not just any woman, but the one God has in mind. If that woman is Black (and I deeply believe she is), then that’s a sacred assignment, not a trend.

So my questions to the community:

1. Has anyone else experienced a similar spiritual assignment in dating or marriage?
2. How do you know when a desire is sanctified versus self-driven?
3. If you’re a Black sister in Christ, how do you receive white men in the church who express this kind of intentional, prayer-filled interest?

I’m not here to debate, just to share — and to grow alongside others who are walking by faith.

Thanks for listening.

Grace and peace,

Andrew


One final note — about 12 days after I began this new season, I found out that a woman (same ethnicity) I had once been interested (and swore she was The One) in had gotten engaged. And you know what? I wasn’t heartbroken. In fact, I felt peace. Why? Because I had already released that chapter to God. I truly believe He gave me clarity ahead of time so I wouldn’t be caught off guard.

It was like God saying, “See? I’m guiding your steps. I’m protecting your heart. Trust Me.”

That moment sealed something in me — this isn’t just a personal preference. This is a divine reorientation toward something that will bring Him glory. So I’m walking forward with faith, hope, and the belief that my future wife — the one God has chosen — is worth every step of obedience.

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Having lived as a white minority for years in my life, to me God is color-blind. God does though give assignments in relationships. Iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another. This should occur in dating, that you learn and grow in God in all sorts of ways. IT will work backwards too if at least one person is not in fellowship with God. So yes, I think that God can use dating to create some needed change. I admit the spiritual and the human desire can tangle things up. A strict no sex requirement is a must. Trying to keep honest about intentions is too. A relationship can be either a help to each other for a season, or end in marriage. Anything less and one should run, Of course there can be stumbles, but overall, a relationship needs to move forward with God.

I admit once the flesh is involved that it is hard to know if the relationship is God's will. To be led of the Spirit, though I think that often God may send a sign a sort of marker if you will. Some of those markers are your preferences. If your own list is long though i would throw it away. Most of us may not even know what we really like. Hence your desire for the earlier white woman but now focusing on black woman. Markers can be all sorts of things, an occupation, an interest, a desire, a location, as well as some physical and personality traits.
When I was young, my first move was to the EU. I thought how fortunate I was because certainly that was agreeable to my own desires. Yet, it was still God's will. How it occurred and played out was certainly of God. Over the years I have to say though that for myself who has moved around consistently, finding the right place is the most important thing. That yes, God can mold your heart to relationship preferences but he does the same for places.
Psalm 16:6 (KJV)
6 The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.

I got this scripture as I was moving to a US southern border town, sight unseen. When I arrived I loved it, I still do though I hardly ever get a chance to go back there. Yes, I had some Godly relationships there, but nothing romantic. Still, I knew it too was right.

Though I may seem the oddity, those that stay in one place and won't move to me are just that. How limiting that must be. I will say the same for those that won't date a certain color. No one has to marry anyone they may not prefer, but then again, you may also miss a blessing. I would say the same thing to anyone who is avoiding marriage with kids. Why not first find out if that could be even better?

When God told me to go to a certain place in Asia I was a bit surprised. I already spent time in several parts of the world. Asia was in a way my last frontier so I guess that God saved the best for last, at least as of now. Though I visited several places, I had one city on my heart in Asia before I left and found there what now is my fiance. Even if I could not marry her, I seriously appreciate certain Asians. Of course some unbelievers have thoughts about what race they fit with the best, but for a Christian I think it has to do with calling.

So, I am glad you asked your questions but even more glad that you are enlarging your borders. To do that sometimes you have to close the old borders. Sure, in some cases a person might circle back but as you seem to be on a righteous path I think all would agree to just continue in the flow of the Holy Spirit. If I may say as you are looking there are some great Christian black woman in Africa as well as America. CDFF.com (Christian Dating for Free) is a great place to start. God bless your quest richly.

Richard T said:

That yes, God can mold your heart to relationship preferences but he does the same for places.

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SO true! God's been doing that with me, with where he wants me next. Glad to hear someone else say the same thing!

Given that God created and loved us all equally, I doubt He cares about interracial relationships as much as some people do.