- Jan 2, 2019
- 86
- 139
- 27
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Single
My girlfriend of almost 14 months recently decided to end things between us. I had told her for the first time that I loved her the week before. She confessed to me that she is feeling confused and, while she hates it, she is unable to say "I love you" back to me for reasons unbeknownst to her. She decided she wanted to end things because she felt it was not fair to me for her to feel this way and continue the relationship. Her initial idea was for us to "take a break", but since we did not know what exactly that looks like, she decided to break up.
This breakup baffles me, and in many ways I'm still in disbelief. We are both Christian, Reformed, and aligned so well on so many values and beliefs. We enjoyed our time together; there was so much laughing. It just does not feel like things could possibly be over between us. It feels like too much was left unsaid. It feels like too lovely a thing was lost.
I talked to one of my church elders (who knows the both of us) about this, and it's his view that this was simply a moment of cold feet for her. Cold feet about the idea of marriage at this time. But he also encouraged me to center my hope on Christ, trusting that either God will bring us back together OR He has someone who is a better fit for the both of us. He also encouraged me by saying that several married couples in our church broke up for a time before coming back together and getting married. He even said that I could casually reach back out to her after a time of distance and space to see where things lead.
My original attitude towards this breakup was "assume you'll never see her again so that you can move on." It was a very bleak outlook based on fear and hurt. I don't think it came from faith. But my elder made me realize I ought not be presumptuous about the future at all, whether you're inordinantly hoping for a certain outcome or trying to cope with pain by despairing about a certain outcome. All too often there is the hope of reconciliation and reuniting with the one whom we have broken up with, the one we love. But we cannot cling to that as our sole hope. At the same time, I also don't think it's necessary or helpful to say "We are done forever, there is no hope for this relationship reconciling, I must accept and move on." It seems to me that is still being presumptuous about the future.
So, how do we practically keep a balance between these? Is it okay to hope for something that may not come true? Is it better to assume the worst? How do we always surrender our hopes to Jesus?
Plus, I would appreciate any other advice y'all may have on this breakup. Thanks!
This breakup baffles me, and in many ways I'm still in disbelief. We are both Christian, Reformed, and aligned so well on so many values and beliefs. We enjoyed our time together; there was so much laughing. It just does not feel like things could possibly be over between us. It feels like too much was left unsaid. It feels like too lovely a thing was lost.
I talked to one of my church elders (who knows the both of us) about this, and it's his view that this was simply a moment of cold feet for her. Cold feet about the idea of marriage at this time. But he also encouraged me to center my hope on Christ, trusting that either God will bring us back together OR He has someone who is a better fit for the both of us. He also encouraged me by saying that several married couples in our church broke up for a time before coming back together and getting married. He even said that I could casually reach back out to her after a time of distance and space to see where things lead.
My original attitude towards this breakup was "assume you'll never see her again so that you can move on." It was a very bleak outlook based on fear and hurt. I don't think it came from faith. But my elder made me realize I ought not be presumptuous about the future at all, whether you're inordinantly hoping for a certain outcome or trying to cope with pain by despairing about a certain outcome. All too often there is the hope of reconciliation and reuniting with the one whom we have broken up with, the one we love. But we cannot cling to that as our sole hope. At the same time, I also don't think it's necessary or helpful to say "We are done forever, there is no hope for this relationship reconciling, I must accept and move on." It seems to me that is still being presumptuous about the future.
So, how do we practically keep a balance between these? Is it okay to hope for something that may not come true? Is it better to assume the worst? How do we always surrender our hopes to Jesus?
Plus, I would appreciate any other advice y'all may have on this breakup. Thanks!
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