There's a lot of blame in that op. Can you recognize it?
Why does a request for you to ask mean rejection, aloneness, and you're not loved? Have you considered the premise the request to be asked is a sign of value, affection, love? Does she ask other people to ask her for intimacy? If not, then her request is a sign of commitment, and fidelity. It's also a plea. A plea to have her needs and the needs of a marriage met.
No, you're not wrong for wanting more from your wife....... and no, you're not wrong from wanting more from the person that is your wife...... and it is very important to recognize those two are not the same person in all ways at all times in all places. Any man can be intimate, and/or have sex with his wife but being intimate with a wife is not as intimate as being intimate with the woman who is his wife. I make love to Betty Sue, not just a wife, and Betty Sue is is a LOT more than just my wife.
Talk is good, but talk is not always appropriate. Gary Chapman's five languages of love is useful. Quality time, words of affirmation, nonsexual touch, gifts, and acts of service are all very important, even if you have one prominent language and she has another. Similarly, the Kendricks' book "The Love Dare" is a nice introductory plan for developing love.......... as long as you recognize you need a
40,000-day plan, not one of only 40 days.
Indulge me.
- How old are you?
- How old will you be when you die?
- Are you going to be the same guy in five years that you are today?
- Is your wife going to be the same woman in ten years that she is today?
Now subtract your current age from the age you hope to be when you die.
That is how many years your solutions need to last. In other words, if all you get from the discussion of this op is fixes that last a week, or a month, or even a year then you have not learned much. People change. They change
constantly. So too does the relationship they form. Somehow the two of you formed this momentary condition in yourselves and your marriage. Focusing on the problem(s) will NEVER achieve a single solution. So turn your focus onto solutions and realize the solutions needed MUST BE RESILIENT AND ENDURING. They must be adaptable to the ever-changing people that are you and your wife, and they must be sufficiently enduring, so they last the entire length of the marriage, not just for a brief period of time.
So, man up.
She's wrong.
She's wrong but you cannot tell her that because doing to will likely trigger her defenses, possibly make her adversarial and, either way, you'll undermine your own objectives and increase the distance between you, making you feel more reject, more alone, and more unloved.
Insufficient information to answer that question but I'm curious why it is you think this is a matter of codependency and whether or not codependency is correctly understood because there are a lot of people, even among the professionals, who screw that up.
Codependency is fundamentally a two-fold problem of a) boundaries and b) identity. Therefore, the best book for you to understand, address, and solve any potential co-dependency is Henry Cloud's and John Townsend's series of books beginning with "
Boundaries." I would venture to say
whatever the problem in the marriage is, it probably began with a problem in boundaries. The first book is a book every Christian should read. Seriously. I cannot emphasize that enough. Counselors would soon go out of business if people knew and practiced healthy boundaries. For you, I also recommend "
Boundaries," "
Boundaries in Marriage" and "
Boundaries Face to Face." The middle book will help apply boundaries specifically to marriage (which is important because no other human relationship is like that of a marriage) and the latter will apply boundaries to communication and no problem gets known or solved without healthy communication. People talk all the time. They do not necessarily communicate.
No.
BUT..... if you used pornography and have stopped that does not mean you're not still addicted. Clinically, there's no such thing as "
addiction." That word is not found in the diagnostic manual professionals use. Properly understood, any addiction is a dependency issue. We become dependent on "
X" to manage our emotional distress. Abstinence is not sobriety. Abstinence is simply not using. If I went the whole of today without a drink of alcohol or viewing anything remotely pornographic then I abstained from alcohol and/or porn. Sobriety is something MUCH bigger. Sobriety is a life lived without ANY of the accouterments of use. That can be quite subtle, even insidious, and the details may require professional help, or at least help from someone who has maintained victory for more than a brief period of time (most folks in most recovery groups are in maintenance, not victory).
I, therefore, recommend you pick up a copy of Nate Larkin's "
Samson and the Pirate Monks," and join a
Samson Socety group. If you can find one in your local and can attend in person than that is recommended but many meet online and that can suffice if you are committed to the goals of the Samsons Society covenant goals. I recommend the Samson Society because it is not a pathology-centric group and the model understands the problem is not specifically managing an addiction; it's about managing ourselves, our anxieties, and doing so in healthy ways in relationship.
Whether you seek out and commit to a Samson group, you need to reconnect to other men. Men need men. Women are great but there are something a woman, not even a wife of many years can understand about a man (and vice versa). You need a guy who will a) listen, b) pray more than dictate solutions, c) encourage and exhort as need warrants, d) call you on your cr@p, and e) keep your confidence.
Don't throw a pity party and expect anyone to come. Do not throw a pity party and expect your accountability/prayer partner to tolerate it and not tell you to get over yourself....... kindly and politely
.
You're welcome.
You just got months' worth of advice in a single post, and you got it from someone who has worked both professionally and in lay capacity with scores of men and seen them change for the better, usually saving their marriages (some failed). You also got that advice from someone whose two specialties were marriage and trauma. None of that should matter because the advice is sound no matter from who it comes but I tell you this so you have a means of taking it seriously. You do with it what you want. I'm a blunt man and a directive sort of counselor (now retired) but if the two of us were doing the counseling thing it would take weeks and months of conversation-modeling intimate conversation helping you see into your own life the matters touched upon above. I provided recommended reading to ogive you a plan, a means of working through some of your expressed concerns on your own. See if you cannot find another man or three in your congregation who will read these books and discuss the content with you.
You work on being the man you need to be for the woman you married. Your job is not to be the guy my wife needs. Your job is to be the guy your wife needs. If you're a traditional marriage kid of guy then I recommend starting with Charlie Shedd's "
Letters to Philip," and asking if your wife will read it when your done........ and tell you what it is in the book she liked and would like to see practiced in your marriage. Start there. Every couple (and many single men) I have ever worked with were required to read that book and I have never had a man or woman dislike the book. It's an old book. It comes across a little chauvinist, but once the chauvinism is discarded it's an excellent book for changing a marriage. Having your wife inform you what she wants will plant the seed for future collaboration
if you do what she asks.
Lastly,
Welcome to the club.
Every single married Christian male eventually comes to the same realization:
We husbands live two parallel lives. We live one life in service to God. Everything we do is supposed to be an act of worship, of allegiance, of fidelity, or service to the God who saved us from sin. We are saved by grace through faith for works that God planned for us to perform before we ever got saved (Eph. 2:8-5-10). Every single Christian, male or female, single or married, is called to that task. That's not a married-only thing.
The moment we marry, however, we take on a new and different role. Our assignment then becomes being the agent of God's love for that woman. God loves her. God loves her in spite of herself, and He loves her knowing everything about her, all the good stuff and all the sinful stuff. He and He alone knows who He created her to be. Your job is to be
His agent of
His value (love is nothing more than a word for value) for her and you do not get to know all that he knows. You chose to love her blind. You stood up before God and family and friends and pledged to love that woman every day for the rest of your life through good and bad. Sadly, every individual who makes those promises does so in a highly idealized state incorrectly imagining the worst won't happen and they can manage and succeed whatever does happen. Therefore, every married man soon learns a) he's a fool, b) he does not have to be a fool, c) marriage takes a lot of work, and d) it's not all about him.
Regardless of whatever else you learn in this process...... you will learn the amazing accomplishment of loving another person, a female of the species.
And I invite all the married men lurking this thread to testify to what I just posted. You,
@Bannerman Warrior, are not alone unless you make yourself alone. Lone wolf marriage solving is an oxymoron.
The book list will give you practical, practicable information. They will give you something to do in the next many weeks and months. You'll be miserable if you do nothing. You'll also be miserable if you try trial-and-error randomly selected efforts all by yourself because the failure/success ratio will be worse than book-guided men-supporting-men efforts. It will also give your wife something to see. I cannot tell you how many times one spouse came to see me and after weeks of work their spouse shows up unexpectedly. They say, "
Well, my spouse seemed to be improving and when I asked what was up, they said, 'This guy Josh has been helping me see some things I need to work on,' and I asked if it would be okay for me to sit in one time." Of course, my job would then be to make that "
one time" into more time and a commitment to collaborative change. Read the books. Apply the content. Get (re-)connected to other men. Wear out your knees and wait on your wife to return. You're not going to like these next words but you're going to have to put the "
Give me intimacy!" needs on the back burner for at least a little longer.
I misspoke: one last thought. If there is a Christian university or seminary near you then go see if they have a counseling program. My universities all had a program where the seminarians and psychologists were being supervised while cutting their teeth to become professionals. The counseling was either free or at a very low cost (my own son went to his university's counseling program and got free help). It's usually short-term and you're working with newbies, but they're supervised and it's a good way for a person to get a feel for what counseling can be like. See if you can find a male with which to work.
Do the work.
Hope this helps
