- Sep 28, 2021
- 1,823
- 737
- 43
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Generic Orthodox Christian
- Marital Status
- Private
I know that seems cowardly, but ever since I lost my spiritual mother and real mom, I have no actual one-to-one guidance. I was hoping to be my s.m. 's disciple until the Lord called us both home. Perhaps I had a romantic view of it, but I wanted the sort of relationship Therese had with her older sisters. But, things were such between my spiritual mother and I, that I have been psychologically and emotionally damaged. (She accused me of all sorts of things and denied me forgiveness).
That is why I am now so passionate about knowing that I am permanently and always forgiven. I am trying to recover my dignity and sense of worth; that I am not a bad or offensive person, but I have no one to really embrace me and bring out the gifts and vision of Christ that I have. I would go back to my s.m. if asked though, if I knew for certain that she wouldn't betray my trust again. I love her very much, more than my own life. Which created something of a problem because I gave her too much control.
Honestly, I just need God's love, in a very particular way, in a way that invites me in with all my particularities. My family and friends love me and I am grateful for that, please don't think that I'm not. I just wish I could find a sister or mother superior that would be a replacement of sorts for the spiritual mother that I lost. I always wanted to join the convent, but it doesn't seem to be my calling. It's as if I am stuck between two worlds; my desires and my duties. I don't resent my duties. I recognize that God has placed them in my life for a reason and I love taking care of my sister.
Yet, I am no longer Catholic and do not have access to such a person. It's a catch-22 because I need a spiritual mother to be and remain Catholic. That may seem strange, but people are like sacraments to me and I am a sponge; I soak up but I also dry out.
So, maybe I'll just remain a noncommuning member of the little Lutheran church that I attend and keep an eye on what the future holds for the next pontiff. I will never be able to enter a convent. I am past the age and I want my sister to have a long life. But maybe a sister or mother will reach out to me? --- Sooner rather than later.
I would, some years from now, like to write a little booklet on Forgiveness, based upon what I have experienced these past few years.
----
PS. I do speak to my Pastor and am so grateful for him as well but it's not quite the same.
That is why I am now so passionate about knowing that I am permanently and always forgiven. I am trying to recover my dignity and sense of worth; that I am not a bad or offensive person, but I have no one to really embrace me and bring out the gifts and vision of Christ that I have. I would go back to my s.m. if asked though, if I knew for certain that she wouldn't betray my trust again. I love her very much, more than my own life. Which created something of a problem because I gave her too much control.
Honestly, I just need God's love, in a very particular way, in a way that invites me in with all my particularities. My family and friends love me and I am grateful for that, please don't think that I'm not. I just wish I could find a sister or mother superior that would be a replacement of sorts for the spiritual mother that I lost. I always wanted to join the convent, but it doesn't seem to be my calling. It's as if I am stuck between two worlds; my desires and my duties. I don't resent my duties. I recognize that God has placed them in my life for a reason and I love taking care of my sister.
Yet, I am no longer Catholic and do not have access to such a person. It's a catch-22 because I need a spiritual mother to be and remain Catholic. That may seem strange, but people are like sacraments to me and I am a sponge; I soak up but I also dry out.
So, maybe I'll just remain a noncommuning member of the little Lutheran church that I attend and keep an eye on what the future holds for the next pontiff. I will never be able to enter a convent. I am past the age and I want my sister to have a long life. But maybe a sister or mother will reach out to me? --- Sooner rather than later.
I would, some years from now, like to write a little booklet on Forgiveness, based upon what I have experienced these past few years.
----
PS. I do speak to my Pastor and am so grateful for him as well but it's not quite the same.