OP here, it is interesting that this thread has gotten a few hits in the years since I originally posted it back in 2009. I haven't logged in since 2012 until a reader PMd me about this long forgotten thread and it showed up in my inbox.
I can report that the Lord, in His kindness, has brought me out of that state of mind. It is much like the psalmist said:
"I waited patiently for the LORD; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He lifted me up from the pit of despair, out of the miry clay; He set my feet upon a rock, and made my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:1-3
2009 to 2012 was a very difficult season of my Christian life due to many spiritual struggles I was having (as seen in the OP). I had a LOT of wrong ways of thinking and hard views of God back then. God, in my mind, was to me as the sun to a man lost in the desert without water. That man can agree that the sun is good and necessary for the life of the world, but to him, it is a scorching heat that would eventually kill him. Sure I could repeat the gospel and say God is love and quote a bunch of Bible verses about it, but I didn't really believe that God actually loved me. I didn't really understand what it was to trust Christ or rest in Him.
People would tell me to repeat phrases or rush to assure me that God loves me, but none of it helped. My eyes were shut to the gospel and I could not see it for what it is.
There was no single point of deliverance from this state I was in. I did have a few points of "revelation" during that time that gave me some key victories in areas, but it was a gradual reading and meditating on God's word over the years along with the Lord demonstrating Himself to be who He has said He is in the scriptures through various trials that has brought me to where I am today.
I have come to "taste and see" that the Lord Jesus Christ is indeed kind and I have a whole lot more peace and rest than I did back then. Those years are now are a distant landmark in the rear-view mirror.
What would I say to myself back then when I was going through this? I would say that your help is not found in any single person that can tell you the magic words that will make everything ok. Your help and deliverance will not be found in anyone on this forum, or in a YouTube preacher, or a super holy pastor. Your help is to be found in the Lord Jesus Christ. You may feel He is against you and is your enemy but He promises to not cast you out if you come to Him. Take Him at his promise and believe it. Your feelings will lie to you all the time. Why believe a liar when you could believe Him who cannot lie? Go to Him and keep going to Him, and never stop going to Him for all things and all difficulties.
Secondly, get your eyes off yourself. The Israelite in the wilderness who did nothing but stare at the snake bite on his arm and never gazed at the bronze serpent lifted up for his healing would certainly die a needless and painful death. Stop sitting around and moaning about how bad you are and stop naval gazing and doing in-depth analysis on all your motives, looking for the "hidden" sin in everything. It is not a godly thing to do and there is no command in scripture to live like this. Set your mind on God, His character, works, ways, His promises. Spend time daily meditating deeply on the scriptures. Read all of it from cover to cover, again and again, and ask the Lord to show you how kind and gracious He is.
Also know that the kingdom of heaven is taken by force (Matt 11:12). That is not to say salvation and entrance is obtained by works of righteousness or a set level of obedience, but that it will require effort on your part to fight through all the difficulties that stand in your way of getting there. Satan has no desire that you enter God's kingdom and will oppose those who were once his subjects from getting there. He will seek to reclaim you if he can. The Son of God did not escape temptation in this world, neither will you. Difficult is the way that leads to life and there are few who find it. It is worth obtaining. It is worth pressing through. Successfully navigating through this trial when you feel that God is against you will make future trials when you KNOW and FEEL God is for you much easier.
I suppose more could be written but these are some things that I would say to myself. It would probably fall on deaf ears and be swallowed up by the mire of despondency I was in, but it doesn't change the truth of the advice.
Overall, keep going and keep seeking the Lord. Don't give up. Press on. He will come in due time and help. I never though in those years I would ever get out of that state and that I was doomed to be there for all eternity, but that was not the case. Praise God for His help!