I want to know God’s purpose for this struggle

Monna said:

Man, do I recognise myself in your descriptions! And ironically, I was thinking just today, how appropriate this kind of frustration and bewilderment is on this Easter weekend.



One thing you need to know for an absolute certainty. God does hear and he does answer. Personally, I am convinced he answers every time! The issue is often that we aren't open to hearing the answer - I don't mean we're not listening. Obviously, you're straining your spiritual ears. But by not being open, I mean that the answer may be so far from what we are expecting to hear, we don't even recognise that it is an answer.

That was the disciples' problem up to Pentecost, and especially over Easter. Jesus had told them many times what would happen on that Passover. They simply could not - were not able - to reconcile what he said with their preconceived ideas of the Messiah, and how the Messiah would restore the nation of Israel to it's deserved place in the world. Even after Jesus rose again, they asked him "are you going to set up you kingdom now?" They had their minds set on their own assumptions because they had also grasped from Jesus earlier words, that they themselves would rule with him! They had personal visions of grandure, vested interests in that point of view. They had the "solution" to Calvary: people made an awful error in killing Jesus, but God had corrected that error and raised him up. It was quite a while before they understood that the cross (and resurrection) was God's plan, not "something gone wrong" that he had to make adjustments for.

This same kind of thing often can get in the way of our thinking, when we pray and wait for answers. Sometimes, we conjure up in our minds a number of optional answers, like multiple choice ... but we forget to put one option being "none of the above." When the disciples were waiting for the Holy Spirit to come, on Pentecost, their preconceived perceptions of "how things should be" was that there should be 12 apostles - and not there were only 11. So what did they do? All 120 or so of them had a big discussion about criteria for selection, then went through a list of (male) individuals who would fit the criteria, narrowed down to 2, and said "OK, we'll "flip a coin" and the Spirit of God can choose!" It didn't enter their minds that maybe God was thinking of someone who was not even known to them. That God could work outside the scope of their criteria, and their little preconceived notions, simply didn't register in their heads. And that is how it sometimes is with us. One thing that is quite common with us, is our picture of God as someone who should be serving us, the way we want to be served. But he owes us nothing! Our perception of God is so totally inadequate.

I waited 40 years to understand why God had let me go through a traumatic event. And it was only when I watched close hand how hundreds of others handled their own trauma, that pennies started to drip in my very slow brain. And only then did I begin to see, and become very thankful, why my trauma was so important. Let me reassure you two things: 1: God can turn any process or event into something constructive and beneficial to those who follow him (Rom 8:28) 2: you will miss out on nothing that is good for you, if you follow him (Psalm 84:11). You can't lose!!!! Accept it.

Asking is something we do. Answering is something He does. And he DOES. But are you listening in the right direction? Are you tuned in to the right wavelength? Are you on the right "webpage?" Are you REALLY living by faith, really believing that he LOVES you, or are you defining how he must demonstrate his love - because that is neither love nor faith, and it leads to totally misplaced hope. Which will lead in turn to disappointment bitterness, rejection, and getting yet farther away from an answer. Take hope from the promise that he will not place you in a situation with which you cannot cope! You think you "just can't be kept in the dark any longer." He knows exactly how much you can take in terms of frustration. He's not testing you with that, but he has promised always that there will be a solution to that frustration - if it's not an answer you recognise as such, it will be something else. Let go of your preconceived multiple choices, REST in God and trust Him. Then wait EXPECTANTLY for a surprise!

May God give you grace, and peace of mind, and a new dosage of trust in his wisdom and love for you! He is there and He is NOT silent!

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Monna said:

"do you have any theories on situations like mine?" Not as such, no. But I have gone through similar situations quite a few times. I knew from my mid-teens, that I wanted to be married. I had a fairly good idea of what kind of person I'd like to have as a partner. With eyes wide open, I started looking. Am very grateful that my parents told me to make friends with a LOT of people before I even tried to go deeper with any of them. As I grew older I became active in various activities, summer jobs, etc. where I got to know quite a few potential partners. And was quite infatuated with several of them. I say "infatuated" with them now, though at the time I thought I was in love with them. And of course I prayed about each of them - without any clear "answer" from God "This is the one!" Over a few years of this, as one person after another, left my immediate vicinity and seemed to end any chance of something deeper (even if we wrote letters to each other ... there was no internet or social media then - only snail mail and expensive phone calls), I began to realise that what I wanted was someone for ME! And true love is not about that. Read 1 Cor 13:4-7 and you'll find out that real love is focused on the other person "love is not self-seeking."

I grew up in a society where most young people had virtually no choice in who they married! Marriage was a family affair. And young women in particular had very little to say about who their parents decided was to be their son-in-law. This was not because the parents didn't want the best for their children, they certainly did; but in that society "the best" was always within a community context - not an individual one! I was lucky that my parents at least gave me a big say in the issue, even if they at times suggested appropriate partners.

I have seen arranged marriages in which the husband and wife met each other for the first time 15 minutes before the wedding. And I have seen such couples live happily and lovingly together for many many years - in fact their genuine mutual love grew with time - because they practised love even before they felt it. It made me realize that the true partnership that lasts is the one in which love is seen as a behaviour pattern, not a feeling. Behave selflessly for your partner, and the feeling will come. If you base your behaviour on your feeling, and to satisfy your feeling, you put yourself in a state of dependency. It's like responding to an itch by scratching ... the itch only gets worse, the scratching increases, till you end up with an infected sore.

(This is the only way in which Jesus words "Love your enemies" can be true. Practice daily acts of kindness for your enemy, and over time you will see that you will like him/her more and more ... and quite probably (but not 100% assuredly) they will start liking you, and you will have lost an enemy and gained a friend.)

If on the other hand you get together with a person that you want very much to fill your own needs, what begins as a "friendship" may lead to a lot of heartache and maybe even to enmity.

More recently, but still some years ago, I came across of book title "Everybody's normal - till you get to know them." (John Ortberg). The title itself is a kind of warning. Before you commit yourself for live with a person, make sure you really know them. And conversely, as you get to know them you are likely to find out a lot about yourself that may be very revealing - things that you have tried to smother (both good and bad, and even neutral). So my advice to you is manage your own heart carefully (you cannot manage your mother's or the friend's). Don't even try to manage your friend's!

One thing that God wants to teach every single one of us, is patience. How do I know? Because the Bible tells me so (Romans 5:3-5; Colossians 3:12; Hebrews 6:12 & 10:36; James 1:3-4). And I can guarantee that you will never learn patience without waiting! So rather than be super frustrated about your relationship with your friend not "getting anywhere" use the opportunity God had given you (yes! it is a GIFT!) to learn patience, really fruitfull anticipatory patience. If and when your relationship with this other wonderful person leads where you seem to want it, you will have learned patience which will be very useful in any relationship. And if it doesn't work out as you wish, you will still have learned patience. (One caveat: patience is like muscle tone - if you don't keep working at it, you will see it slowly wither away.)

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so. Know this final thing: Psalm 84:11 tell us that if we genuinely want God's will for our lives we will never miss out on ANYTHING that is good for us! Isn't that a promise to hold onto!

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