I grew up in the Lutheran church going to Sunday School, church on Sundays, confirmation. When I was about 5, I did something I felt guilty about. I was upset by it, was crying, and despite my mom telling me God loves me and forgives me, I said He didn't and He hates me, my mom hates me, everyone hates me, even the animals hate me. I continued in church, Sunday School, confirmation but was never into it. I just did it to go through the motions - it's something I had to do. I have always been very introspective and self absorbed, not genuinely caring about anyone else. I also never felt like I was my own self. I always wanted to be like someone else, look like someone else, do what other people were doing. I very much observed others and wanted to be like them rather than just being who I was. I've been a perfectionist and always wanted things neat and orderly. I liked to be in control. I always liked being in my comfort zone too. I liked staying at home and watching tv. I only liked doing what I liked to do. I always talked about myself. I really never asked questions of others. My life has been all about me, me, me - I think I'm a narcissistic, psycho/sociopath. I've always felt bad about myself, like i was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, anything enough. I've always been timid, insecure, unsure of myself, afraid to speak up. I've always been self conscious and concerned about what others thought of me.
I had questions growing up...where did I come from? where did everything come from? if God made everything, who made God? when did He begin? I also was very worldly and had doubts and other questions. What happens when we die? Are we reincarnated? Will I come back as a cow? What if we we're nothing? What about all these other religions? Which one is right? How do I know the Bible is real? How do I know it's not a fairytale? What about aliens? What about dinosaurs?
I never had a sense of God or an inner drawing to Him. I just knew from the outside about Him. After I got confirmed, I thought I was good. I "graduated." I was a Christian. I went on to live like the world. Go to college, get my job, get my house, live the American dream. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Other things I did like the world that I was unaware of that were bad (I knew they weren't good but thought it was okay since society did it)...I've watched scary movies, listened to hardcore rap/hard rock/other secular music, did yoga, have seen inappropriate content on tv/in magazines and books, read horoscopes, gone to a group psychic party, lots of drinking/going out to the bars, partying, pre marital sex. After some time, I did something I regretted and started going back to church. I then got heavily into sermons, books, blogs, articles, all sorts of things to make myself feel better. In 2016, I started going to a different church and got really involved there. I did mission trips, small groups, church on Sundays, served in Youth. I also was working with a life coach. I started to question why I was doing what I was doing - was I being a Pharisee? I had read much of the New Testament and knew a lot of the Bible but read it as a book and it never really "spoke" to me. When I prayed, I had no sense that God was with me. I had to work hard to imagine He was there. All the things I've learned about God have been from the outside, nothing from the inside. I fear I've "cleaned" myself up but without the Holy Spirit so a bunch more bad spirits have come back in.
Fall 2018, I came across some articles about false teachers and that scared me. I didn't know anything about that. Then I was lead to the website gotquestions. I wanted to know what a Christian was supposed to do so I looked up tons and tons of questions. I learned and learned and learned. I "confirmed" the truth of the Bible based on answers on gotquestions and other articles. I said, "Ah, that makes sense." I always tried to make sense of things. I came across some videos about the end times and got scared. That's when I decided I needed to go to a Bible based church and get into the Bible for myself. I started reading the Bible and working with a Biblical counselor. I learned tons and tons. All about what I should be doing. But I don't think I ever had a relationship with God. I never really thought I had to read the Bible either. I thought it was optional and I could live however I wanted and be forgiven. My beliefs were a mental assent.
The last 10 months or so have been awful. Living in fear and confusion. I've learned The Holy Spirit leads into all truth - that He testifies to the truth of the Bible. That didn't happen for me. I've been living by a spirit of fear and confusion. Jesus says His sheep hear his voice. I do not. I've been listening to lies all my life and not the truth. I've read when someone is saved, they're a new creation with a new heart and new desires. That's not me. I always viewed God as being angry with me- that I always had to perform for Him. I've been an obsessive, overthinking, overanalyzing, worrying, doubtful, proud, selfish, controlling perfectionist. I never sensed Him as being a loving Father. I always thought He was mad at me.
I've heard the Gospel tons and tons, know the Bible, know so much but still can't believe. I know God chooses some but not all. I think I'm a goat, tare, vessel of wrath. I live in constant fear and terror. After learning all I've learned, I'm trying to be something I'm not. I know all the things a Christian should do but it's not genuine. I feel like a fake. I don't even feel like me anymore. I have all this knowledge in my head and nothing in my heart. I don't really feel like I have genuine feelings anymore. I don't really care about anyone or anything. I don't feel compassion for others, love, care, sympathy. I can't really cry anymore, have no joy, peace, happiness- The enemy came to kill, steal, and destroy. I just feel like an empty, void shell of a person. I feel like I have no soul or spirit or my own personality. I have no desires. The only things I really feel are fear, confusion, terror, dread.
I feel like I want God to go to heaven and not hell. I don't think I genuinely want Him. (no one seeks after God. people may seek after the benefits or comforts but not God Himself. I think that's me.) I don't think I've been drawn by the Holy Spirit but by myself. I've had so many opportunities to respond to God growing up but didn't. I didn't think I needed. I didn't want Him. I would blow Him off. I think I've blasphemed Him. I think my heart is hardened to Him. I think I just regret my choices and don't have Godly sorrow and true faith and repentance. I don't even know all the things I need to repent of. I think I have to repent of every little thing about me. I overthink everything and think I need to repent of all the ways I do every little thing - like I need an entirely different personality. I'm so confused what I need to repent of ( I think everything) I think I'm so doomed. I can't escape my mind and all the things I know. Jesus says to come with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith. I've read that it's tragic for someone to make faith. We should have God give us faith and let Him grow it. I ran ahead of God and tried to make faith. (I doubted Him, His existence, the resurrection, always doubted). So to eliminate the doubts, I learned so much. So now, I don't doubt anymore. I know too much. I don't think I'm genuine or sincere. I know too much for my own good. (More knowledge, more sorrow). I fear God has given me over to my lusts and desires of wanting to know more and more and figure things out before I trusted Him. And now I think it's too late for me. I can't unlearn things. I can't go back. I fear I'm reaping what I've sown. I don't think I was ever supposed to know all this. I don't know if God wanted me to go and learn all this. I should have just left things alone. I feel like Adam and Eve. Not trusting Gob but wanting to know things. Self-sufficient, self reliant, independent.
I think I'm just a wannabe, trying to be something I'm not. I can act like a Christian and do the things, but it doesn't mean I'm different on the inside. I can't fool God. I think I'm just deceiving myself. I've tried to believe. People say you can't make yourself believe. If you try to make yourself believe, you won't. I've tried so much. I've talked to so many pastors, counselors, other Christians, read so many books, blogs, articles. Someone said that people can read the Bible...true believers will find God, unbelievers will not. I think I'm an unbeliever.
Right now, I know so much. I'm scared. I'm responsible for so much. I'm constantly thinking about what I'm thinking, saying, doing. I think everything I do is sin. I look at others and think they have no idea what's going on. But they're doing the best they can. I know so much and am not doing the best I can. I think I'm all in the flesh and without the Holy Spirit. (Many are called, few are chosen). I've been called on the outside tons, but don't think I'm chosen. I've never heard of anyone in such a situation as me. I feel like the only person who's been here. I feel so alone, hopeless, despairing, like no one understands. Thoughts of suicide are on my mind just about every day. But the I'm afraid to die and suffer. So then I want to stay here for the comfort. But I'm miserable. Do I kill myself now? Later? Wait for God to take me out? Live however I want? What do I do? I'm paralyzed in fear. Everything is in my head and nothing is in my heart. I just feel like this fearful robot full of knowledge. God doesn't want that. He wants my heart and I don't have one to give Him. I feel like a fake, phony, wannabe. I know so much and don't know how to humble myself. I have such a bad, wicked heart. So many things annoy and irritate me. I like things my way and get annoyed when things go a different way. There's nothing good about me. I'm critical and judgmental of others. I don't love God and others but i love myself. I don't think I'm God's. I think I belong to the devil. I've wanted heaven but never, ever had a sense that I was going there or that I belong there. There is nothing inside me that gives me peace, love, joy. Just fear, hate, bitterness all my life. The more I learn, the worse I get. The more I learn about God, the worse I am. I feel like I'm getting farther and farther from Him. It's hard to believe that He loves me, forgives me, wants me. I'm so overwhelmed by my mind and all the things I know and think I should do. I feel defeated and that I should just kill myself now. There is so much to work through. I don't know if I'm meant for this.
I think I could go on and on and on about all the crazy thoughts that run through my mind. It's constant. I just want to curl up in a ball and wither away. What's the point of my life? God doesn't need me. (I think that's pride). I'm so, so bad. Don't know if there's any hope for me. This has been consuming all that I am. It's all I think about. It's been this way for months. And I know so much. I've heard so much. I'm not impressed or moved by anything. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should kill myself (I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve anything good) - even that's bad to say because I think I'm just looking for comfort and sympathy. But then I'm scared to kill myself. I feel like I'm just waiting to go to hell.
Just wondering if anyone has ever heard of such a situation as this and that it turned out for the good. I feel all alone and that no one understands. Do I kill myself? Is there any hope? I fear it's too late for me. Does anyone else know they're going to hell? What do you do? I don't know why I'm posting this since I'm pretty sure what the answers are. I'm just desperate. I wish I had a whole new mind and heart.
