How to disagree lovingly and respectfully?

starryshadows · Aug 24, 2019

Hello! I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are on disagreeing with people lovingly/with kindness. I notice that on the internet there are many passionate conflicts where people disagree (even among Christians), but they are unable to lovingly or even civilly disagree or express diverging viewpoints.

I also confess that I am guilty of this, mostly in person (online I have more time to reflect and realize I'm responding inappropriately). My parents frequently argue, and I find that I often argue with the same kind of anger that they do! I'm ashamed to say that my disagreements with my parents often result in my saying some angry words, stewing in my anger, and then realizing my guilt and wrong in how I responded. Yet I seem to get into a pattern even though I am ashamed, and find I am needing to apologize for my behavior a lot these days.

It helps me to realize that my response is not their fault, but shows that there is something in me (selfishness, pride, insecurity) that reflects in my needlessly angry responses. Yet still I don't respond rightly most of the time.

So my question is, how can we speak to each other, in general, about strong disagreements but still meet each other in the middle? Both online and in person. What does it take to be able to disagree strongly and express that disagreement respectfully and lovingly? Why is it so hard to do this sometimes?

I am genuinely interested to hear some advice on this, most especially because I need to change in this area!

Thanks, and I look forward to anyone's thoughts!

Sabertooth · Aug 24, 2019

Not everyone who disagrees with you, disagrees in earnest. Some are trying to be manipulative, instead. That should be determined, first, before any attempt at negotiation is made.

ValleyGal · Aug 24, 2019

When you have two polar opposite views, and two people who are deeply entrenched in those views, they won't be able to meet in the middle. People will have unresolvable conflicts, and the way to navigate them is to find out how they became entrenched in their view, what they are protecting by holding that view, what dreams are driving that view, and to validate their reasons for having it....and possibly even become part of what they are looking for out of their position. The point is to be respectful, validate their views as it pertains to them, and then not let it ruin the relationship. If I want to be able to have my viewpoint, I need to respect other's rights to have theirs - and to still be respected.

Presbyterian Continuist · Aug 24, 2019

starryshadows said:
Hello! I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are on disagreeing with people lovingly/with kindness. I notice that on the internet there are many passionate conflicts where people disagree (even among Christians), but they are unable to lovingly or even civilly disagree or express diverging viewpoints.

I also confess that I am guilty of this, mostly in person (online I have more time to reflect and realize I'm responding inappropriately). My parents frequently argue, and I find that I often argue with the same kind of anger that they do! I'm ashamed to say that my disagreements with my parents often result in my saying some angry words, stewing in my anger, and then realizing my guilt and wrong in how I responded. Yet I seem to get into a pattern even though I am ashamed, and find I am needing to apologize for my behavior a lot these days. It helps me to realize that my response is not their fault, but shows that there is something in me (selfishness, pride, insecurity) that reflects in my needlessly angry responses. Yet still I don't respond rightly most of the time.

So my question is, how can we speak to each other, in general, about strong disagreements but still meet each other in the middle? Both online and in person. What does it take to be able to disagree strongly and express that disagreement respectfully and lovingly? Why is it so hard to do this sometimes?

I am genuinely interested to hear some advice on this, most especially because I need to change in this area!

Thanks, and I look forward to anyone's thoughts!

This is a very difficult skill to master and takes a lot of practice. It is a matter of turning from being defensive to being assertive, and being assertive to those you care about.

Manuel J Smith has written a good book called "When I say No I feel Guilty". It is the best book on assertive that I know, because it does it in a way that keeps the temperature down when in a debate between different opinions, and it is an excellent way of dealing with criticism.

The skills I learned were:
1. Fogging. This is agreeing in principle with anything others say without you having to change your behaviour. Good responses are: "Thank you for sharing that with me"; I understand that you believe this...or...feel this way...etc. This stops manipulative comments and gets others being honest about their own feelings.

You have the right to say, "I don't know, I don't understand, I don't care" to any attempt by anyone to change your behaviour into what they think it should be.

Unfortunately, church people are terrible at using spiritual abuse type manipulation to get you to change your behaviour in to what they think it should be, through quoting random Scripture verses to make you guilty, even just for existing!!

2. You have the right to get a person to clarify any criticism of you by asking, " I don't understand. What is it about [whatever] that is concerning you right now?" If they continue the criticism, you can say, "I still don't understanding, what is it about [their continued comment] that is concerning you?" And you keep asking the same for each new comment until they are prepared to be honest about their own feelings, or they tell you to shut up and walk away. You are left with a feeling that you have won and maintained your own dignity.

3. Broken record. This is repeating the same statement when someone is trying to manipulate of intimidate you into doing something they want you to do but you don't want to. You can say, "I understand what you want me to do but it is not convenient for me right now". As they keep on at you, just repeat the same statement until they stop trying to change your behaviour. I have had to do that to a salesman who was trying to sell me something I didn't want.

Also, be careful about giving free information to people when you don't have to. That can open you to criticism or manipulation. Less is best when giving information to others when they don't really need it.

You can find more of these techniques and examples in the book.

starryshadows · Aug 24, 2019

ValleyGal said:
When you have two polar opposite views, and two people who are deeply entrenched in those views, they won't be able to meet in the middle. People will have unresolvable conflicts, and the way to navigate them is to find out how they became entrenched in their view, what they are protecting by holding that view, what dreams are driving that view, and to validate their reasons for having it....and possibly even become part of what they are looking for out of their position. The point is to be respectful, validate their views as it pertains to them, and then not let it ruin the relationship. If I want to be able to have my viewpoint, I need to respect other's rights to have theirs - and to still be respected.

This is very thought provoking. I hadn't thought of it as there may be areas where you can't meet in the middle, but I think that's fair. I appreciate your point about having the disagreement but not letting it ruin the relationship. I think it's easy (for me) to be so behind my side of an argument that I lose sight of how I may be damaging an incredibly important relationship over a battle that may not be necessary, or could be solved if I discussed my disagreement at a later time in an intentional and respectful way (instead of in the heat of the moment). Maybe analyzing our own motives or reasons for why we so strongly disagree could be a good starting point? I need to do this more. Also a good point about offering respect - a sort of mutual respect of each other's rights to their view.

starryshadows · Aug 24, 2019

Oscarr said:
This is a very difficult skill to master and takes a lot of practice. It is a matter of turning from being defensive to being assertive, and being assertive to those you care about.

Manuel J Smith has written a good book called "When I say No I feel Guilty". It is the best book on assertive that I know, because it does it in a way that keeps the temperature down when in a debate between different opinions, and it is an excellent way of dealing with criticism.

The skills I learned were:
1. Fogging. This is agreeing in principle with anything others say without you having to change your behaviour. Good responses are: "Thank you for sharing that with me"; I understand that you believe this...or...feel this way...etc. This stops manipulative comments and gets others being honest about their own feelings.

You have the right to say, "I don't know, I don't understand, I don't care" to any attempt by anyone to change your behaviour into what they think it should be.

Unfortunately, church people are terrible at using spiritual abuse type manipulation to get you to change your behaviour in to what they think it should be, through quoting random Scripture verses to make you guilty, even just for existing!!

2. You have the right to get a person to clarify any criticism of you by asking, " I don't understand. What is it about [whatever] that is concerning you right now?" If they continue the criticism, you can say, "I still don't understanding, what is it about [their continued comment] that is concerning you?" And you keep asking the same for each new comment until they are prepared to be honest about their own feelings, or they tell you to shut up and walk away. You are left with a feeling that you have won and maintained your own dignity.

3. Broken record. This is repeating the same statement when someone is trying to manipulate of intimidate you into doing something they want you to do but you don't want to. You can say, "I understand what you want me to do but it is not convenient for me right now". As they keep on at you, just repeat the same statement until they stop trying to change your behaviour. I have had to do that to a salesman who was trying to sell me something I didn't want.

Also, be careful about giving free information to people when you don't have to. That can open you to criticism or manipulation. Less is best when giving information to others when they don't really need it.

You can find more of these techniques and examples in the book.

Wow, thank you! This is very helpful. I will have to check out that book! I like the fogging technique - I appreciate that it validates the other person's view and asks for them to expand on why they believe what they do, but also allows for a respectful disagreement and end to the conversation. Yes, I think you are right that it is a skill; I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess it takes practice to change the automatic defensive reaction.

Presbyterian Continuist · Aug 24, 2019

starryshadows said:
Wow, thank you! This is very helpful. I will have to check out that book! I like the fogging technique - I appreciate that it validates the other person's view and asks for them to expand on why they believe what they do, but also allows for a respectful disagreement and end to the conversation. Yes, I think you are right that it is a skill; I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess it takes practice to change the automatic defensive reaction.

When I learned the skills through the book, I was fortunate to have friends I could practice on. They got sick of me after a while but it was fun and I felt good about myself doing it. After a while it became second nature to me and in the years since it has been a great help in a number of situations, including work where a supervisor would say things to me and instead of being defensive I was able to say I don't understand, please explain it more clearly to me, and I always got a positive reaction and they saw that I was prepared to listen and learn.

Learning the skills gave me the confidence to say "I don't care" when someone has pressed me over something, and I have been able to say, "I understand what you are wanting me to do, but I don't care about it." If they have said, "You should care!" I have replied, "I don't understand. What is about it that I should care about it?" Then they have to give a reasonable answer. If they respond by saying, "I just think you should care." I use broken record by repeating my previous statement, asking them again why they think I should care. Either they are going to walk away, or they are going to share their honest feelings like "It was just that I was afraid for you and I just wanted you to be aware." Then you can have an honest conversation and come to another assertiveness skill: Workable Compromise. This is a negotiating skill where you both come to an agreement that suits both of you, causing a win-win situation.

But none of this worked with my more assertive daughter who told me that I needed to go to the gym. I asked, "What is it about me needing to go to the gym that is important to you?" She replied: "You are in your 60s and I want you around for a bit longer". I said that I would talk to someone about it, and so when she came home from her gym she said, "I've made an appointment with the gym trainer at 12:30pm, and you're going!" So I went, and found it an enjoyable experience, especially as she is a gym trainer and gave me some great coaching for the two powerlifting competitions I did!

Sketcher · Aug 24, 2019

1. Attack the point of contention, but not the person making it.
2. Be committed to remaining calmer than the other person, and to being as peaceable as possible while holding your ground on important matters.
3. Defuse with humor when it is possible and wise to do so. Holding to #2 allows you to see/create those openings.

Aussie Pete · Aug 24, 2019

starryshadows said:
Hello! I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are on disagreeing with people lovingly/with kindness. I notice that on the internet there are many passionate conflicts where people disagree (even among Christians), but they are unable to lovingly or even civilly disagree or express diverging viewpoints.

I also confess that I am guilty of this, mostly in person (online I have more time to reflect and realize I'm responding inappropriately). My parents frequently argue, and I find that I often argue with the same kind of anger that they do! I'm ashamed to say that my disagreements with my parents often result in my saying some angry words, stewing in my anger, and then realizing my guilt and wrong in how I responded. Yet I seem to get into a pattern even though I am ashamed, and find I am needing to apologize for my behavior a lot these days. It helps me to realize that my response is not their fault, but shows that there is something in me (selfishness, pride, insecurity) that reflects in my needlessly angry responses. Yet still I don't respond rightly most of the time.

So my question is, how can we speak to each other, in general, about strong disagreements but still meet each other in the middle? Both online and in person. What does it take to be able to disagree strongly and express that disagreement respectfully and lovingly? Why is it so hard to do this sometimes?

I am genuinely interested to hear some advice on this, most especially because I need to change in this area!

Thanks, and I look forward to anyone's thoughts!

It's not easy, especially when we are "right" in our own opinion. Pride, as you are aware, is the root of anger. Our only hope is to entrust everything we are to Lord Jesus. Ask Him to live out His life in us and through us. Lord Jesus is infinitely wise so we can expect to respond appropriately. He is humble, so we can respond without getting hot under the collar. I think we over value being right, especially about things that do not matter. Pre trib rapture or post trib? Who can be certain? The most learned Christian scholars read the same Bible and come to opposite conclusions. So why make it such an issue? We will know when it happens. There are many things that fall into that category. Satan loves division. It makes his job so much easier.

Presbyterian Continuist · Aug 24, 2019

Aussie Pete said:
It's not easy, especially when we are "right" in our own opinion. Pride, as you are aware, is the root of anger. Our only hope is to entrust everything we are to Lord Jesus. Ask Him to live out His life in us and through us. Lord Jesus is infinitely wise so we can expect to respond appropriately. He is humble, so we can respond without getting hot under the collar. I think we over value being right, especially about things that do not matter. Pre trib rapture or post trib? Who can be certain? The most learned Christian scholars read the same Bible and come to opposite conclusions. So why make it such an issue? We will know when it happens. There are many things that fall into that category. Satan loves division. It makes his job so much easier.

I agree. It seems that our automatic reaction is to be defensive. We see that a lot on CF! It takes a determination, learning the skills, and plenty of practice on those who know what you are trying to achieve, before assertiveness instead of defensiveness becomes second nature.

It seems that the impulse to defend rises up before we know it, and it takes some changing of gears in our minds to stop, take a breath, and make an assertive response, as I described in my previous post.

It looks easy in theory, but very difficult and challenging to put into practice.

St_Worm2 · Aug 24, 2019

Hi @starryshadows, the way you approach your discussions and debates can be helpful. One way that has been proven to be very effective over the years is to get your "opponent" to answer questions that will help them think through the matter/truth that you are presenting to them for themselves.

This book is excellent and will help you learn how to do that effectively.

Many are honest & passionate about their beliefs, just like you are (those who are honest seekers of the truth, that is), so we need to do our best to respect other's beliefs (even if they are completely wrong, because in a very real sense, we are all in this together), and then we need to help them see the truth.

Also, you should always choose to treat others just like you ~wish~ they were treating you, even when they are treating you badly :preach:

(I know, that's a tough one

)

Here's a collection of verses that I found already assembled on another forum that seems an excellent reminder for online discussions and debates, especially heated ones! These verses tell us how God expects and commands us to act towards others as Christians.

Matthew 5
16 Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Matthew 7
12 However you want people to treat you, so treat them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
4 Love is patient, love is kind........

James 1
19 Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

1 Peter 3
15 Sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence.

--David
p.s. - prayer for yourself and for your debate opponent, before, during and after your post can help things start and remain loving, at least from your side anyway

public hermit · Aug 24, 2019

Try to nurture doxastic humility, i.e. humility in regards to what you believe. People, too often these days, treat their beliefs like indubitable knowledge. So, for instance, one might treat their political belief as if it has the same creedance value as "2+2=4." And so, they are unwilling to admit the possibility that they might be wrong, even when they don't believe they are.

This is especially a problem with politics and religion because our identity is so closely embedded in these beliefs.

But without some humility in regards to our own beliefs, we become defensive and vitriolic towards anyone who might challenge them, as if we couldn't possibly be wrong!

The quickest way to nurture doxastic humility is to remind ourselves how many times we have been wrong. If we know we have been wrong, and wrong often, we are open to the possibility that we could be wrong again. And, so we are more apt to listen and engage.

Warning: for the Christian who bases her salvation primarily in her ability to believe, humility in this regard is virtually impossible. For, her salvation depends on her ability to believe. On the other hand, the Christian who depends solely on God's love and grace is free to engage and discuss because they have already been humbled by grace.

mkgal1 · Aug 24, 2019

Chadrho said:
Warning: for the Christian who bases her salvation primarily in her ability to believe, humility in this regard is virtually impossible. For, her salvation depends on her ability to believe. On the other hand, the Christian who depends solely on God's love and grace is free to engage and discuss because they have already been humbled by grace.

Excellent point.

ETA: in reading this again, I honestly believe this is the whole answer to the question in the OP. That's what's necessary in order to disagree with love and respect (we can only do that when we are humbled by grace and respect other's freedom).

starryshadows · Aug 24, 2019

St_Worm2 said:
Hi @starryshadows, the way you approach your discussions and debates can be helpful. One way that has been proven to be very effective over the years is to get your "opponent" to answer questions that will help them think through the matter/truth that you are presenting to them for themselves.

This book is excellent and will help you learn how to do that effectively.

Many are honest & passionate about their beliefs, just like you are (those who are honest seekers of the truth, that is), so we need to do our best to respect other's beliefs (even if they are completely wrong, because in a very real sense, we are all in this together), and then we need to help them see the truth.

Also, you should always choose to treat others just like you ~wish~ they were treating you, even when they are treating you badly (I know, that's a tough one )

Here's a collection of verses that I found already assembled on another forum that seems an excellent reminder for online discussions and debates, especially heated ones! These verses tell us how God expects and commands us to act towards others as Christians.

Matthew 5
16 Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Matthew 7
12 However you want people to treat you, so treat them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
4 Love is patient, love is kind........

James 1
19 Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

1 Peter 3
15 Sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence.

--David
p.s. - prayer for yourself and for your debate opponent, before, during and after your post can help things start and remain loving, at least from your side anyway

Thank you very much; great advice! What a great idea to pray before any sort of debate or argument! I am sorry to say I hadn't thought of this, but it's amazing advice to pray for whoever it is you're talking to (and yourself). Thank you for those verses; I feel like those are good ones to memorize. I'm trying to memorize more Bible verses so that I can fill my mind with the Word, and I think it can help so much if you can remember a verse that applies to what you're going through in the moment! It can be humbling and direct us to asking God for forgiveness or help. I need to do this more! Thank you!

bèlla · Aug 25, 2019

There is no discussion worthy of arguments or strife. Both reflect a loss of control that often spirals into disrespect. You defile the other because of the evil in your heart and wish to be right or heard. You’ve elevated the issue to the degree where their humanity is lessened.

We should never give voice to everything that crosses our mind, fixate on wrongs, or entertain negative ruminations. Stopping the dialogue before it spills over is the best defense. As is avoiding subjects which cause divisions and offer no edification for its participants and listeners.

You learn to operate in love when you’re willing to acknowledge your want for good treatment from others. Irrespective of your faults, fears, or deservedness. By offering the love and grace you wish to receive your discourse and heart will shift.

Love doesn’t debase, malign, slander, or force itself on anyone. It is a life-giving wellspring of joy and peace. When in doubt, check your behavior with 1 Corinthians 13.

Aabbie James · Sep 4, 2019

starryshadows said:
Hello! I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are on disagreeing with people lovingly/with kindness. I notice that on the internet there are many passionate conflicts where people disagree (even among Christians), but they are unable to lovingly or even civilly disagree or express diverging viewpoints.

I also confess that I am guilty of this, mostly in person (online I have more time to reflect and realize I'm responding inappropriately). My parents frequently argue, and I find that I often argue with the same kind of anger that they do! I'm ashamed to say that my disagreements with my parents often result in my saying some angry words, stewing in my anger, and then realizing my guilt and wrong in how I responded. Yet I seem to get into a pattern even though I am ashamed, and find I am needing to apologize for my behavior a lot these days. It helps me to realize that my response is not their fault, but shows that there is something in me (selfishness, pride, insecurity) that reflects in my needlessly angry responses. Yet still I don't respond rightly most of the time.

So my question is, how can we speak to each other, in general, about strong disagreements but still meet each other in the middle? Both online and in person. What does it take to be able to disagree strongly and express that disagreement respectfully and lovingly? Why is it so hard to do this sometimes?

I am genuinely interested to hear some advice on this, most especially because I need to change in this area!

Thanks, and I look forward to anyone's thoughts!

We shouldn't condemn doctrinal debate or disagreement; we should use them for God's glory and the good of His church. God's people should not be combative. We must not walk around with doctrinal chips on our shoulders, looking for a fight either. But we must also have a high enough view of God's Word that we're willing to stand up in its defense.

1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

How to disagree lovingly and respectfully?

Active Member

Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints!

Well-Known Member

Senior Veteran

Active Member

Active Member

Senior Veteran

Born Imperishable

Well-Known Member

Senior Veteran

Simul Justus et Peccator

social troglodyte

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

Active Member

❤️

Maintain love and truth in perfect balance

Similar threads