Hello Serenity Armstead!
I've read your threads. I'm also going this through.
What do you mean? One day over 5 months ago I was under a spiritual attack. In that moment satan questioned me why to have a relationship with Jesus. I didn't know the answer and I immediately felt something leaving me. A physical feeling, someone deserting you. Next morning when I woke up I didn't feel His presence, just felt the great absence of the Spirit (I was used to wake up being filled with the Spirit). I picked up a Bible and started to read. I couldn't receive any "living water" from there. My soul was withering and I was totally cut off from the Lord. From that day on I couldn't repent albeit I tried. I felt no more guilty of sins. I couldn't understand the Bible for spiritually death people don't understand it. It was just a text and a dead book for me so I stopped reading it. I couldn't pray for there was no power in my prayers. The Spirit didn't talk to me no longer so my head got empty. I lost all the blessings from my life. God just vanished from my life and the world appeared differently in my eyes: God "didn't exist" anymore. I was empty and forsaken. I thought everyday: "I'm going to hell like John 15:6 says!"
Things got worse and worse and I totally lost my hope that God would come back. I became so depressed. But when I reached the nadir in my desperation and depression, God gave me hope. It was one day about 2 months ago. On that day my friend laid her hand on my head and asked the Lord to give me the Spirit back. She got a revelation: "-- light up the light of Christ in his (my) life". She got also words from the Lord: "I've opened you a door. You feel weak but God is strong in the weak. Strengthen my son, strengthen." I also felt the heat of the Spirit being poured out to me. I was full of hope and gratitude.
About one month later I lost my hope again. I thought I had commited the presumptuous sin by blaspheming the Lord wilfully. I was so convinced about that. But a couple of days later I met my friend, the same who gave me hope from the Lord. God spoke to me again through her: "This is a hard path to walk but it's the consolidation of faith. The Lord will allow a group of angels to guard Simon so that he is in safe. Do not fear."
And about 3 weeks after that I went church (I still visited church regularly). There I met one intercessor who started to pray for me. Firstly, he thanked God that the seal of the Spirit is always there (I told him that He had left me). Then he started saying: "Thus says the Lord..."
Here's what I remember from his speech: "I will not leave you. You can bring nothing else toward the Lord than an open pure heart. You can get nothing from yourself. I will make your path straight. It will be easier to walk along this path. The blessed days are coming. Rest, rest. Even though your hold would get separated, I will not forsake you. From your birth to your death you are mine. I love you, I love you. Take the foundation from the Word of God. In the small voice of the morning I talk to you. Take the first step of faith (concerning about the fact that the Spirit has not left me). Do not fear nor doubt. I will forgive your sins."
It took me a while to realize that the Spirit has not left me even though it feels so. Check out John 14:16-17 which says clearly that the Spirit can't leave and Hebrews 13:5. Instead, I think I've lost the power of the Spirit. I've felt the heat about 14 times during these 2 months. I found this thread good:
This is what I believe about the Holy Spirit - The Holy Spirit dwells inside of a person who truly believes and I don't believe the Holy Spirit ever fully leaves us even if it feels like it... bare with me (Jesus is the Holy Spirit) he is quenched and the fire can be completely put out. When the Holy Spirit leaves demons come in and evil spirits fill that space so we perceive it as 100% never coming back which is what they want. They blind us. I was in a similar situation where I was blind to sin, in fact I was so blind to sin that I made salvation a game where it was like "stick my hand in the Jesus pot and pull out what I can get" then return to sin! To me for 5 years that was blasphemous and now looking back I can see how bad that was.
For 3 years I had suicidal depression, I was hearing voices and in a rut spiritually. The churches in my area weren't bothered about my mind state as I think they believed I wasn't repenting (I tried but I couldn't feel any sorrow or genuine lasting repentence) so without the Holy Spirit I had become empty. So, as I was still seeking a way out of this state I was so angry, anxious and done with life that I thought do you know what.. if God has gone and left me and I have no hope I am gonna look for alternatives and so I did.
I really had lost my connection with God at this point, I contacted a woman who was involved with Demonology and said ok if you can help me I will leave God and I'll have healing from you. Now if what I was already doing wasn't blasphemous enough... I thought I would never be forgiven.
Two days before I was about to perform a blood sacrifice (cut my finger ect) to a demon, in a last attempt to gain some kind of hope I told my friend Andrei who was a Christian.
He contacted a woman who picked me up, brought me to a deliverence ministry and within a whole 3 days I had demons casted out of me and low and behold for the first time in 5 years I felt the Holy Spirit. Now, this was amazing. Spoke in tounges, was given a new mind state.
We prayed for a house so I could move to Bangor, he provided it. We prayed for a new Church, He provided it.
Anyway, I was in a mind state where I thought salvation depended on works so I was OCD constant thinking "Oh I need to do this, I need to do that" and I was getting quite angry, One of the women who prayed over me said "Are you angry?" She said the Holy Spirit leaves when you are angry. I quickly became proud and didn't share. Stopped praying wasn't repenting wasn't grateful. Havent understood. Instead of being in awe and grateful I was bitter, hunting out fault and when people say "oh if I get the Holy Spirit back I'll do this.. " I was in a religious mind set and didn't realize. Boom. The Holy Spirit quenched.
I feel dead inside, lifeless, nothing in me.
So, I said to myself this morning.. well, if it went for 5 years and I did all that blasphemous stuff surely I just need to help others, focus on others and move in faith and maybe one day when I am focussed on others it'll come back.
Helping others is my priority now.
Please be encouraged that it can come back.
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Sorry for posting such a long reply. Do not fear. Do not start sinning because it's futile (I started but got nothing pleasure from it). God still loves you. Still! I really hope that you would not have suffered as much as I did in my depression and desperation. I've been 5 months in this same circumstance although I'm now loaded with hope. I hope your suffering would be shorter. I was so abandoned, lonely, misunderstood, desperate and depressed. I believe when a person receives the Spirit, it is there forever. So you have it. You are a child of God but going pretty same as I am. It really is a hard path! Hopefully you find this stuff helpful. You can PM me if you want to. God has not left you alone albeit it feels so! I hope the Lord would talk to you through one of your friends.
I still don't really read the Scriptures for they're powerless. I'm empty and dead inside. No connection to God. I hope this reply is anyway a good encouragement for you.
May God bless you and Christ be with you!
