(Trigger warning for sexual abuse survivors) Dear Friends, This is not clinical, sterile theology. This is a deep cry of the heart. If you haven't been here, you may not be able to understand. Six months ago I would have been giving people pat, superficial, cold answers to what I'm about to relate, but no more. Please read before you answer.
In February of this year, while I was struggling with my own health problems, my daughter confessed to me that our longtime friend had been raping her (I do NOT use the term "molested"). He was in his 50s, and she from 9-12 when most of the incidents occurred, although some incidents continued to happen until recently (she was 16 when she reported what had been going on). The same thing happened to the man's own granddaughter. We reported the man, he was arrested, confessed, and recently died in jail before official sentencing. A child forced into sexual contact is NOT like an adult having consensual relations. The emotional impact this had on my daughter was devastating. My daughter vomited for 30 minutes when she told me what had happened, and she continued to have vomiting spells about every 2 weeks after that for months, rapidly losing weight. She basically had/has a form of PTSD. She had nightmares and panic attacks for fear the man would somehow escape from jail, rape, and kill her. (Illogical fear like this is part of PTSD) She can't be hugged now because she is terrified to be held down. He both bribed and threatened her, and also made her think the abuse was normal. She is now in trauma counseling. The only reason the victims came forward was to protect another, younger, girl who might have been next.
We are conservative Christians. We homeschooled our daughter and did our best to 'protect' her as much as possible. We were careful about her friends and who she was with, and what she watched and read. (She DID know about the "birds and the bees." We live on a farm. She also knew about "bad touching," and "not to keep secrets." The terrifying thing for parents is that a child can "know" about things and still not understand or be able to apply general rules to specific situations. She was so modest she would not even undress in front of me, yet this man used her.) The man in question we'd known for 12+ years in church and as an employee. He was a "good" man. I literally saw him give money and food to the poor, and help widows. The children loved him. I thought I knew about sexual predators, and my husband is trained in his line of work to detect lies...but this man snowed us. When all of this came out, it has devastated our family, his family (who turned against him), his little church, etc. NO ONE suspected he'd ever do anything like this.
My friends, I used to teach Sunday School. I used to be an amateur apologist and answer Biblical questions, but God has brought me to a place that I never wanted to go, and to learn things I never wanted to know about. This isn't sweet, Sunday-morning pink cotton-candy Christianity; this is an open sewer. This is the fact that God allowed a man to rape and corrupt our daughter, who we had tried so hard to protect and raise according to Christian morals and values, over a period of YEARS. If you don't know much about child sexual abuse, these people skillfully "groom" these children to accept more, and more, and more intimate contact. They corrupt the children's worldview before the children know enough to distinguish good from evil, and they are so skillful that they can hide their activities from even their closest relatives.
Someone out there can try to be clinical, cold, and pious and say that "all things work together for good." In a sense, this is a very true statement. I'm already seeing good come out of this..but that doesn't mean that there's not a HUGE amount of suffering (for the man's wife, family, and us.)
I was waiting for my daughter in counseling today, and a lady was reading a Christian book to her son. I wanted to cry. The book promised that God answers prayers; but God did not answer my prayers for my daughter's safety, or my daughter's prayers for the abuse to stop. The book spoke of the love of God (and I DO believe that God loves us, in a spiritual sense), but His love is NOT the type of love many of us desperately want it to be. God may not "protect" us, or our children. God may allow some pretty horrible things to happen to us. A friend of mine said I was angry at God. I would characterize it more as deep, deep disappointment than anger. I NEVER believed that God promised us an easy life here on earth. (I'm actually pretty pessimistic.) I don't adhere to the "health and wealth" gospel; but I also never believed that God would allow my daughter to be used in this way.
God intervened (I believe) in our case. The man died of a heart attack in jail. (God have mercy on his soul.) But I can no longer teach children cute stories and tell them that "God loves them," at least NOT in the way that our society defines "love." It's VERY important to me to be completely truthful, and I'm struggling to try to reconfigure my theology to be more like that in the New Testament, in which God's love is NOT the soft, touchy-feely stuff we in the West want it to be, but rather that God often loves those who suffer horribly and yet keep the faith. I'm wondering if there is another denomination out there (Catholic, Orthodox, another Protestant line) that might teach a more realistic, if not quite as comforting, theology?
Those who have been through something like this are welcome to comment.
In February of this year, while I was struggling with my own health problems, my daughter confessed to me that our longtime friend had been raping her (I do NOT use the term "molested"). He was in his 50s, and she from 9-12 when most of the incidents occurred, although some incidents continued to happen until recently (she was 16 when she reported what had been going on). The same thing happened to the man's own granddaughter. We reported the man, he was arrested, confessed, and recently died in jail before official sentencing. A child forced into sexual contact is NOT like an adult having consensual relations. The emotional impact this had on my daughter was devastating. My daughter vomited for 30 minutes when she told me what had happened, and she continued to have vomiting spells about every 2 weeks after that for months, rapidly losing weight. She basically had/has a form of PTSD. She had nightmares and panic attacks for fear the man would somehow escape from jail, rape, and kill her. (Illogical fear like this is part of PTSD) She can't be hugged now because she is terrified to be held down. He both bribed and threatened her, and also made her think the abuse was normal. She is now in trauma counseling. The only reason the victims came forward was to protect another, younger, girl who might have been next.
We are conservative Christians. We homeschooled our daughter and did our best to 'protect' her as much as possible. We were careful about her friends and who she was with, and what she watched and read. (She DID know about the "birds and the bees." We live on a farm. She also knew about "bad touching," and "not to keep secrets." The terrifying thing for parents is that a child can "know" about things and still not understand or be able to apply general rules to specific situations. She was so modest she would not even undress in front of me, yet this man used her.) The man in question we'd known for 12+ years in church and as an employee. He was a "good" man. I literally saw him give money and food to the poor, and help widows. The children loved him. I thought I knew about sexual predators, and my husband is trained in his line of work to detect lies...but this man snowed us. When all of this came out, it has devastated our family, his family (who turned against him), his little church, etc. NO ONE suspected he'd ever do anything like this.
My friends, I used to teach Sunday School. I used to be an amateur apologist and answer Biblical questions, but God has brought me to a place that I never wanted to go, and to learn things I never wanted to know about. This isn't sweet, Sunday-morning pink cotton-candy Christianity; this is an open sewer. This is the fact that God allowed a man to rape and corrupt our daughter, who we had tried so hard to protect and raise according to Christian morals and values, over a period of YEARS. If you don't know much about child sexual abuse, these people skillfully "groom" these children to accept more, and more, and more intimate contact. They corrupt the children's worldview before the children know enough to distinguish good from evil, and they are so skillful that they can hide their activities from even their closest relatives.
Someone out there can try to be clinical, cold, and pious and say that "all things work together for good." In a sense, this is a very true statement. I'm already seeing good come out of this..but that doesn't mean that there's not a HUGE amount of suffering (for the man's wife, family, and us.)
I was waiting for my daughter in counseling today, and a lady was reading a Christian book to her son. I wanted to cry. The book promised that God answers prayers; but God did not answer my prayers for my daughter's safety, or my daughter's prayers for the abuse to stop. The book spoke of the love of God (and I DO believe that God loves us, in a spiritual sense), but His love is NOT the type of love many of us desperately want it to be. God may not "protect" us, or our children. God may allow some pretty horrible things to happen to us. A friend of mine said I was angry at God. I would characterize it more as deep, deep disappointment than anger. I NEVER believed that God promised us an easy life here on earth. (I'm actually pretty pessimistic.) I don't adhere to the "health and wealth" gospel; but I also never believed that God would allow my daughter to be used in this way.
God intervened (I believe) in our case. The man died of a heart attack in jail. (God have mercy on his soul.) But I can no longer teach children cute stories and tell them that "God loves them," at least NOT in the way that our society defines "love." It's VERY important to me to be completely truthful, and I'm struggling to try to reconfigure my theology to be more like that in the New Testament, in which God's love is NOT the soft, touchy-feely stuff we in the West want it to be, but rather that God often loves those who suffer horribly and yet keep the faith. I'm wondering if there is another denomination out there (Catholic, Orthodox, another Protestant line) that might teach a more realistic, if not quite as comforting, theology?
Those who have been through something like this are welcome to comment.
